They say as time goes on things get easier, I must be one hell of a paradox cuz things definitely are not getting easier...

I'm gonna miss a lot and I catch myself everyday running thru my head of what I am thankful. This Christmas is going to be a neo-thanksgiving for me. In 24 hours I will hopefully be pulling into my driveway.

"Wait for the one who makes you feel like you are the only one on earth. Wait for the one who makes you feel beautiful even when you feel as though you shouldn't be seen in public. The one who holds you proudly on his arm, parading you around for the whole world to see that you are "his girl." That is the one who will hold your hand even when you are old; who will put your needs above his own always. Wait for him, because he is waiting for you too..." -courtsey of cait's profile.

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I can't be losing sleep
over this, no I can't
and now I cannot stop pacing
give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing

cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening

this is over my head
but underneath my feet
cause by tomorrow morning
I'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

cause I'm waiting for tonight
and then waiting for tomorrow
and I'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream

would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
don't be surprised if I collapse
down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening, yeah

cause I'm waiting for tonight
and then waiting for tomorrow
and I'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
-- lifehouse

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I love my friends... making the worst days of my life laughable, making my prolonged stay here something to "dance around the room with no one watching" about, of course everything to look foward to when I do get home. For having mutliple cooled placed to keep my 12 pies, for making me buy chocolate after a rough time, for de stressing each other with movie nights, for being there with phone conversations when I'm lonely, for "let's go brush our teeth" support, for making me laugh at our ridiculousness, for letting me call tons of ppl in a moment of crisis with ur cell phone, for asking me how my day was, for going to the gym with me... for endlessly giving back to me, this is what my friends do.

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And we thought nothing could get worse! I don't want to relive what happened this morning at the moment... but can we just say we all thought I had a major breakdown last Friday night/Sat morning? hahahahahahaha. That was NOTHING compared to this morning. They say things happen in threes... so I figure this was the last of the horrific blows that hit me now that I have defied the law of 3s and made it to 4. 1) keith 2) cell phone 3) missing chem final 4) financial troubles at home. Number 1 and 3 went up (except that instead of going home tomorrow I have to stay here till FRIDAY) so now I just have to wait for the rest to as well. *breath* Kate made me buy chocolate when we were at the bookstore, Kara made me eat ice cream at Boozel even tho I didn't eat lunch and my dad called 3 times just to tell me he loved me. Amanda is gone... the room is so quiet and empty, I don't like it. THREE nights without her and u'd think it would be nice to have the room to urself but after spending so much time with someone else it is eerie to not have that. On a better note, these past few weeks have challenged a lot of ppl in my life to grow up really fast, to make amends, and move on. You can only move foward, so stop looking behind.

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maybe... maybe we do... maybe we always will... again.

It is Sunday again and I feel like it was just yesturday not a week ago. However so much has happened since then, and with everything said and done I am able to say that right now I am happy, grateful, proud of u, determined, and optimistic. However I have yet to study... but I haven't been going to bed till 2/3am for the past week and I don't have to wake up till 10am tomorrow. There's a long road ahead and I believe it can be a stupendous one.

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I just did the most difficult thing I have EVER had to do in my lifetime, and probably it will rank right up there when I am on my deathbed as being one of the most difficult decisions, processes, resolutions I will have experienced. I realize that as I say things like this I have to keep in mind that what I think today may change by the unexpected at any moment in time. But for now, so far, theeee most difficult would be a drastic understatement. *breath* Just another milestone, another section of my life I will not regret, but grow from. I am not perfect or anywhere close to it and in that I accept that I do not know what is "right". The fact is, no one does. I have always carried faith in that "everything happens for a reason" and so I believe that no matter what my decision is, what is meant to happen will... some way or another. I have to believe that. I believe in you to change, to become the person we all saw you could be, and I believe in love.

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