I had a feeling....

that Li was going to hang out with David
that I was going to spend the nigh at home
that Tim was going to meet up with Ash at the game
that David A imed me a message that I never got
that Tom really wanted to see the movie with just Court (so it worked out)
that she was going to pretend like nothing happened bc that is what ppl do, they suck up to you when they know that u hurt them and ignore that fact.
that Court would offer a hand
that I feel like going on a road trip and so do a lot of ppl
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that someone is waiting for me at SRU, I just have to get there.
that he is gay
that prom will suck
that summer will be emotional
that senior week will end up being spontainous and not planned out
that MA trip won't happen when I want it to
that Li would be willing to go job shopping with me, which will happen at a not planned time.
that things will all occur later than we think they will
that I will find my ground today.

..... up to that line, are things in the past 16 hours that I had a feeling about and came true.

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At Harbour... I just have this over all feeling... but it won't bother me much. Everyone seems to know something that I don't and is mad at me for something. I am not sure what it could be however, so I can't worry about it right? Tonight, I have no plans. Court is hurt, Tom will be with her, David W and Li will prolly go do something, Tim hasn't been talking to me, and then there are only a few left of the magnificant 7. I was finally in a peaceful mood this week and it seems that everyone else is down. Maybe it is just the fact that I am noticing it now... I need to go shopping. I need to lose that weight I gained. I need to keep running. I need to figure out why everyone is so... vaguely mad at me. I need to get my permit. I signed up for Ap spanish test so that I don't have to take it in college, but then I got to thinking that I could really just not take spanish, but take something like... korean. haha. Oh well. I want to free up some credits. I have nothing else to do b/w now and 4... and have to dinero either.... so yea i cna't even go to Giant er anything. sighhh. dad is picking me up at 4:30 so i can go home and get my lacrosse stuff so i can go to practice. I'm tired... I'm bored and I wish i could go for a drive RIGHT now. ughhh. Maybe I won't go to practice tonight. Not in the mood, yet I am. Or I wassss. No one is home, er around, er .... yea. writing about absoultely nothing right now. So when you're bored you talk about the weather. It has been very windy today. This morning was crazzzzy. I hope it warms up a bit. Sun is alwys nice too. Man I am talking like a stinkin lil kid... ughh. Arite this is just going to get worse, so I'm gonna go ummm, pretend I am not a loner here. Distant.... so distant...

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LaX: I sooo did not cause a blackout of the gym for 5 minutes. It was either the cup of coffee, over active nerves or my new multi vitamin that caused my heart to race so fast it scared me. hmmm.

Dusk and dawn...

Perfect for thinking, letting off emotions and centering. There is no sense of time or speed or pain. Just breeze against my face and stars shining (or a new rising sun) above, offering hope and guidance. No one is judging me or telling me what to do or what I cannot do. The world is not an unfair place, there is no poverty, homeless, sick or suffering. There is no greed, selfishness or hatred. My breath comes steady, not gasping. My heart beats intuned with my pace and an encouraging hand guides my steps in the waning light. There are no other sounds beside those of my footsteps and nature. Even cars speeding by are silent. This is where I find peace, happiness and control. I need to remember this.

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Nothing new or exciting... except i have gotten incredibley weaker recently... and I need surgery to correct my face/jaw/bite for my braces... so yea, that will be tons of fun. get to wear braces for 2 1/2 years! woohoo. It is hard to type right now bc my arms are dead from attempting to lift today... so damn weak. Nothing with the friends is going on except not really talking to some, just because, not intentionally, just bc I forget what it is I wanted to talk to them about. hmm. Bro might have to move in with us again and I am not at all happy about that. It all boils down to money and it sucks, i just wish for once my family did not have to wrorry about that. We wouldn't have to deal with this if my bro could handle money or could pay for his expenses, and we wouldn't have to worry about our family stuff like my braces if my rents weren;t constantly counting every fucking penny. We get by yes, but ughh. Enough is enough. I hate how this damn country is sometimes. Anyway, I was in a good mood so I don't want to ruin that. laters.

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Sleep found me in physics today.. head layed out on my arm which went to sleep in less than5 min/... but i slept as well so that was good. Benched with tom today and that is pretty much all I did. Lax got turned into a meeting instead of a practice/try outs. I am too tired.

I love having conversations with my lab group, cais, li and coni... such interesting down to earth ppl. Always assures me that living is ok... that making mistakes and dsicovering who u are is not about making others happy but finding urself. Today the topic was how scary death is, bc none of us believe in heaven n whatnot. Not to the extent where u are conscience of living up there after u die for enternity. Imagine how broing it would be anyway. We then talked about space and how humans cant' comprehend infinity... out in space if space stops somewhere there has to be something... so it must just continue on.... and what if none of this existed... what would there be, there is no such thing as nothing.... ooooo ok scaring myself again. It really is scary when u try to think about it. Then we talked about sex and if it is right or wrong to have at such and such an age. Some good pioints were brought up that we are hitting puberty earlier bc of hormones in foods, we are marrying older bc we are living longer... so no wonder teens are active like that now ad days, they were back in the olden days too but they were being married off at age 14 so no big deal. Depends on your own personal idea of what sex is/means. so yea... good stuff.

I almost caught myuself saying that I spent too much time with someone recently, but then I realized that that is imposssible, bc u never know how much time you DO have with someone, so take all the time u can get now. I love my friends. I love talking to them, I love hanging with them, I love eating with them, playing baseball, basketball, cards and driving with them. We really want to go up to MA in May... so I hope the rents will let us! I am finding my way back to old friends and talking to them again, which is good. I like to end on a good note.

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Ur phone calls let me know that everything is ok. People are starting to think about graduation parties and such... with diff friends it is hard to do a joint one... who would I invite to mine? Tim, Tom, Tom, Dave, David, Courtney, Ashley, Robbie, Li, manda, milica, leigh, amy, laine, kaitlyn, katelyn leader, quinn, eva, michelle, katie, erin, aaron, dan, dillon, eric, chris, carrie, keith, .. to be continued, got to go take a shower.

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