Well, I must say yest was pretty cool. Woke up at 8:39am and jumped out of bed bc Tom was picking me up at 9! So I took the fastest shower n everything ever, and was calling the dude at SRU about a summer program when Tom arrived. We then hence forthed to Court's house, where she had layed out on her bed 6 prom dresses for me to try on. First one, a blue simple shimmery thing fit perfectly. Second a more elaborate two piece embroidered top pink one that fit perfectly as well! So as not to dampen any spirits I stopped trying oning right there. Now I know I have 2-3 dress options. *sigh of relief*. We then began our day... had to stop at Giant and get oil and window washer fluid for Tom's car "u guys can get one pack of gum each... god I feel like ur dad", then gas, then the drive up window at the bank for me, ("whoaaa... I could sit here all day just sending stuff up that tube! Do u think the teller would be interested in a cough drop?") hahaha. Went to the Hershey Hotel's Spa to pick up info for Court's dad, thenn we decided that munchies were needed so we headed backkkk to Giant (chips, pringles, chex mix, seltzer, iced tea, trail mix) and by 10:30... an hour and a half after we planned on leaving, we finally got on 322 E to 76N. However, we soon found that traffic was at a standstill. I called my dad, Court called her dad and we discussed whether it was better to wait out the traffic or to turn around and go a different way. It was concluded to stay and soon traffic was moving. An hour and a half later we arrive at King of Prussia without getting lost or directions. wooh!

Ok... those who have not been to King of Prussia, this mall is HUGE. There are 2 or 3 stores of the same business (like 3 FYE stores) Very rich, very huge mall. So we spent 4 hours there just browsing thru stores, saw soo many really nice dresses but of course we neither had $300 or the low price of,.... wait for it.... $80 for a dress. hahaha. But when I become a millionaire, I will most def go back and buy all those I liked. Not much actual buying went on, I got a cd, tom got a cd and court got ummm, stuff. She was feeling the symptoms of monthliness so we headed out (after Tom went and bought supplies for her "no need to double bag it, I don't care, it's not like I could use them!". hahah. Arrived home in record time (due to Tom's speeding) of 1 hour and 15 min. Chilled at Court's, called up David A, White, Chris for dinner at the Grill. We all got there late coincidentally, and had a mildly interesting dinner. "he wants to take me golfing this week and talk to me about any 'extra activities' that might be going on during or after prom with his daughter" hahahahaha. Ohhh my, David A asked this morman girl, Lorna, to go with him to prom, so of course her Morman dad has to make sure that she is not goin to engage in any "extra activities". She can't be alone with him at ANY time either. I still have yet to meet this girl. Ok, so after dinner we regressed back to Court's bc my parents were being picky and felt the house was too dirty to have ppl over. David and I got there early bc the others had errands to do first, so we tested how many times around the block we could go without hitting the gas or the breaks. Then I showed David how to get to Mike's house, which I was very proud I could do, me being slightly directionally challenged. When everyone arrived, we tried to watch The Last Samari however David brought the wrong DVD. So we flipped thru HBO and watched the endings of 3 movies b/w the time we started, around 8:30 till 11:30. Got the end of Mr. Deeds, Spiderman (what kind of name is spiderrrrr man? can't it be arachnedman? that sounds so much more intimidating.) and Catch me if u can, I fell asleep thru the last half of the last half of Catch me if u can bc I had a headache all day and laying down didn't help for some reason so I closed my eyes. Got woken up to, "meghan... what time do u have to be home?" "what?" "ahhh! she's awake!" hahhah. As we walked outside it was so nice and one of these nights we are going to lay outside and watch the stars. (it needs to be before the summer bc I am NOT sleeping outside if there are bugs flying around)

Woke up today, and am just sitting around till 1pm so I can head off to my two lax games at Founder's field. That will pretty much take up my night till 7.

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I... am at a loss for words.

It started off when my dad told me this morning on the way to school that the school I was going to play my lax game at today just lost a senior who committed suicide last week. That hit really hard for me... maybe it is because of the many nights sitting in my room as my parents wondered if my brother would let himself live till the next day or if it is because I value other people's lives even more than my own. I think it also spurred a great deal of frusteration and anger toward the parents, teachers, friends... everyone who had NO fuckin clue that something was wrong with this white, male, star football player, student. I can't blame them for being naive or innocent but non the less it is incredibley frusterating how unserious people take things like this, and how our society provokes this naivity. Men are supposed to show little emotion, if someone has money/popularity our society cannot comprehend any reason for their unhappiness, children are just pushed onto anti-depressants that no scientist has clear facts about how they affect the human brain, exercise, laughter and sunlight are two simple things that too few people get but can chnage ur mood so easily... the list goes on. My heart cries with those families who have learned the hard way what it is like to see a child suffer that much, and to see the ingorance of society and even schools.

So then, after that I walked into school to hear that my words were mistaken and now friends are all upset. Smaller things like not so old friends are now more interested in hanging out with their prom dates so they invite them into our group, everyone butting into everyone else's business, and school classes where we sit around bc there is less than half attendence. 11:11am make a wish *wish*... my headaches aren't getting any better, but one thing to be grateful about is my parents. They are just so freakin awesome.

Every change, every taken risk, every mistake, every lesson learned, every experience, every memory, every conversation... has overwhelmingly impacted me this year. It has tested my ability to handle stress, to express my opinions and feelings, to clarify my morales, to throw me for a loop and change who I always was... whoever said that becoming urself was a comfortable process? It can make u feel close to heaven or close to hell... either way ur still on earth.

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Lax practice got sort of canceled bc of the rain shower that lasted a good 10 minutes... so Court picked me up at the high school and we went to her house. She made me eat a sandwhich, silly girl, and then we went for a walk along busy 322? to Giant to visit Tom. While we were there we bought ourselves flowers, (carnations are the coolest) and some seeds to plant in her yard... very sporadic but very awesome. Then continued on our way thru some yards and to Harbour coffeehouse. I got an iced coffee which inevitabley got me pretty darn sick. Walked back to her house, "what would happen if I just jumped out infront of this truck, think he'd stop?" "umm please don't try it, I don't trust his breaks" Planted the seeds in her yard, went online, ate some pizza that her dad brought home and watched That 70s show... then came home. Still feel sick so I opened my windows and am going to go lay my head on my pillow... thanks.

I'm sorry.

I tried to think of some clever metaphore to describe everything but I can't... and I am tired of talking in metaphores bc life is not one. so *breath*... time... "this is unstable for you? [ I've never felt this sporadic or out of control and it frusterates me bc THIS is not ME!] don't get frustrated with yourself because your life's taking unexpected turns, there's alot to learn in all of it." thank you.

"Remember when...." such a good song

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"Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. All systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth.
Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to receive others' viewpoints. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout our entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times.

Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness.

Do not avoid contact with suffering or close your eyes before suffering. Do not lose awareness of the existence of suffering in the life of the world. find ways to be with those who are suffering by all means, including personal contact and visits, images, sound. By such means, awaken yourself and others to the reality of suffering in the world.

Do not accumulate wealth while millions are hungry. Do not take as the aim of you life fame, profit, wealth, or sensual pleasure. Live simply and share time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need.

Do not maintain anger or hatred. As soon as anger and hatred arise, practice the meditation on compassion in order to deeply understand the persons who have caused anger and hatred. Learn to look at other beings with the eyes of compassion.

Do not lose yourself in dispersion and in your surroundings. Learn to practice breathing in order to regain composure of body and mind, to practice mindfulness, and to develop concentration and understanding.

Do not utter words that can create discord and cause the community to break. Make every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.

Do not say untruthful things for the sake of personal interest of to impress people. Do not utter words that cause diversion and hatred. Do not spread news that you do not know to be certain. Do not criticize or condemn things you are not sure of. Always speak truthfully and constructively. Have the courage to speak out about situations of injustice, even when doing so may threaten your own safety.

Do not live with a vocation that is harmful to humans and nature. Do not invest in companies that deprive others of their chance to life. Select a vocation which helps realize your ideal compassion.

Do not kill. Do not let others kill. Find whatever means possible to protect life and to prevent war.

Possess nothing that should belong to others. Respect the property of others but prevent others from enriching themselves from human suffering or the suffering of other beings.

Do not mistreat your body. Learn to handle it with respect. Do not look on your body as only and instrument. Preserve vital energies (sexual, breath, spirit) for the realization of the Way. Sexual expression should not happen without love and commitment. In sexual relationships be aware of future suffering that may be caused. To preserve the happiness of others, respect the rights and commitments of others. Be fully aware of the responsibility of bringing new lives into the world. Meditate on the world into which you are bringing new beings.

Do not believe that I feel that I follow each and every of these precepts perfectly. I know I fail in many ways. None of us can fully fulfill any of these. However, I must work toward a goal. These are my goal. No words can replace practice, only practice can make the words.


"The finger pointing at the moon is not the moon."
-Thich Nhat Hanh

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Watching tv and they posed a question... who would u want to share exciting news with, who can comfort you, who do u go to with worries or complaints... yada yada but the point was when u can picture that person in ur mind, that is who u want in ur life the most. Just the cute thought for the day.

Came home from game and went with a walk for an hour er so with Li. Talked about friends and changes. It was def a nice break. thanks.

It's a full moon. So many natural wonders that very few take the time to go look at, n just to see something like that can make me smile. Can't u?

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School- What a day... of ridiculousness. 1st period- test. 2nd- talk about story. 3rd- no students in class so talk to Senor. 4th- no work to do so talk about prom dinner table arrangements. "floaters, just give the people no one likes to meghan's table bc she is too nice to kick them out... just press send" hahaha 5AB- study hall. 5CD-no teacher so talk. 6th- test. 7th- weight lifting. danggggg that's some un productive day. Game vs Palmyra today, should be easy. My arms are sore today, I guess from lifting? I'm looking out the window and it looks really nice. A bunch o people are getting sick, must be a new strain of sickness comin thru.

Friday plans are thus far- go to King of Prussia with Court so she can find jewlery n whatnot for prom. I feel bad bc we were supposed to go to MA this weekend so Tom took off the weekend from work and thennnn we go shopping without him. Sorry dude. I hope we get home in time for some outdoor festivities tho, I can feel Shank Park calling us to its fields.

Thoughts- Watching Everwood last night (hehe, I'm such a dork) made me realize a lot of things. Mostly just how much I really do feel comfortable with the idea of becoming a surgeon. Second, how hard and frusterating it is to be in a situation like Ephram and Amy's... bad timing, mixed messages, missed opportunities, n what could have n should've been perfect just didn't work out. I guess most everyone goes thru that in high school. I also realized how graduation will prolly mean more the closer it comes. Right now I just want out of high school, maybe it is bc I moved around a bunch that I am not attatched to my senior class, so there is little sentimental value. I know that those I care about I will stay in touch with so that is not an issue either... *shrug* They say that May goes by really fast.

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