A comedian said, "Women should do all the proposing cuz they are the only ones who know when we're ready to get married."

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or it just makes you go insane... when they are gone u go insane bc u want to see them, but when u actaully do see them then it gets worse! Then your heart realizes all that u missed, and all that u hope not to lose. Why does our heart decide to like someone? For me it is bc happiness is addicting, we feed off of it and crave it. So I guess when someone out there makes you feel the happiest you have ever felt in ur life, then you crave that person's time, talks, attention, and feelings. I came to a point where I was happy with just being friends bc I realized that I could feel that happiness w/o having to go out, but now the time we spend together is threatened, school starts soon, jobs, sports, and not much time for hanging out. That makes you afraid, afraid of losing the happiness. that is why your heart goes back to wanting a security of "going out", bc it is a guarentee of happiness for a while. We should not be so afraid to lose, but we want to keep. We should not be so afraid to take chances and say what we want, but we hold back. We should not have to wonder what if, but we never discover. We should not have to live life full of doubts, but no reassurance presents itself. We should not have to wish or hope or dream, but we rarely have the strength to make them come true. It all boils down to the belief in ourselves, in trusting our judgement or trusting that everything will be ok. No one believes in themselves anymore. No one takes chances, no one steps to the plate first, no one says everything that they feel. Perhaps it is bc we are taught to not trust or our heart will be broken, but then we live life full of regrets, not of what we did but of what we didn't do

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Well the first reason i am happy today is bc I will most likely be hanging out with Tim and milica tonight...and we all know about that. Second, a lil girl left a nice comment, so that made me happy too. Third, when i ran this morning, i actually had energy left over and didn't feel like i was gonna pass out or throw up! So I should've made myself go further, but oh well. Fourth, bc yest I might have helped someone feel a lil better and they said thank you.

Again last night, kelly came over, it cooled off so we walked around the neighborhood, ash called from cheercamp, and then we talked for 2 hours about families and stuff. Waited for Robbie to call, but he never did...lol.

Tonight Milica and Tim came over, got subway, played war, uno, black jack and bullshit cuz milica didn't know any other games. I am more confused than ever tho :(...we talked about homecoming, "find someone that u know likes u, and ask them." yeah that would be the problem for me, NO ONE LIKES ME! and then i heard that small "no".. so what did that mean? Ahh, over analyzing everything again. laughs, smiles, seems to have fun, yet we never can talk about what i know we should...i don't understand anymore, so I should just not care, not caring is so much easier.

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So today, i listed everyone i can remember that i have been friends with...having changed school systems 3 times, it was quite a struggle. Yearbooks are great! I know, not including family, more than 320 people, who i can/could have called friends at one point in my life. That is quite an accomplishment for shy little me. How many people do u know?

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So, he never called, not like I expected him to... Ash came over bc she wanted to go to a coffeeshop, but couldn't be seen in public bc she hadcheercurls in for cheercamp...so I suggested coming over here to make hot choc (cuz she don't like coffee) and pretend it was a coffeeshop. Kelly joined us a bit later, played some UNO cuz u can talk while playing, and we had some good ramblings ons about stuff. Ash left to get her hair done, and kelly stayed till curfew...talked about some good stuff and had the quickest game of War ever! (15 min long). Some people don't like to talk or have nothing to talk about, I think it is one of the most important parts of a friendship, to be able to talk and listen and laugh.

There was a definite process by which one made people into friends, and it involved talking to them and listening to them for hours at a time. -Rebecca West (1892 - 1983)

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Should I try to contact my birthmother or not?

This is more complicated than it sounds... First it was an overseas adoption, so I don't even know what the policies are, second, she might not even be alive, third, some of the info I do have on her is prolly false bc she wanted to protect herself, fourth, if contacting her is like it was for my bro to contact his birthmother, she would have to agree to by having submitted a paper when i was adopted saying that when i turn 18 i could request to meet her.

I don't even know if it would be possible to find her, it is a big world, and what would happen if i did? I LOVE my parents, and I am truely blessed to be their daughter, and by no means would I call my birthmother "mom"... So, if any of you have any advise, or experience, please help me figure this one out.

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