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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Wednesday, February 27, 2013
My writing group's prompt for our next meeting is to write a piece based on the excerpt from a random book at the coffee shop where we meet. The snippet is "the way he felt when things were beyond his control."

I have a lot of ideas for this one, but deciding which of them to go with is a bit tricky. Even though I have a strong tendency to write emotions I am familiar with (mainly variations of depression) into my pieces, I have an aversion to including things that are too close to my personal experiences. I don't want people to think I'm writing about myself (even if I am...).

Maybe I should just add on to that other piece I haven't touched in awhile. It would sort of make sense to have the character feel that way, since his life has been essentially predetermined for him by his genetics.

My computer broke last night. Hopefully it will be fixed today. My dad said the heatsink and fan on my other one were loose, which is why the processor might have burned out. I told my boyfriend about it and he said they must have come loose during transport. -Sigh-

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Double posting because why not
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Listening to Cirrus by Bonobo. When I saw the music video I knew it had to be by Cyriak. He has such an awesome unique style.

This creepy forty five year old from OKC has been messaging me telling me he thinks I'm so "pretty and sweet" and that he wants to treat me "like a princess" and hopes my boyfriend knows how lucky he is.

"I just can tell you are a sweetheart, not just from your innocent profile, and purity. But your Angel like pics. I envy your BF, you are so pretty and sweet, I hope he treats you like the ***Princess*** you are."

Ewwwww. There are forty five year olds who are pretty cool and don't creep me out, but this guy does not fall into that category. What's worse is that he's supposedly not even trying to hit on me.

"yeah I know you have a BF. and I understand, but your a sweet beautiful girl. When I say treat like a princess. I guess I mean that in this case, as a sweet friend. If I want to do something for you. I hope you let me. if we get a bite to eat, I hope you let me pay, even though its just as friends. He is a lucky guy, I hope he knows just how lucky."

It weirds me out that he's inferring that I'm sweet from my profile, because honestly I designed it to be pretty sparse and not tell people much about my personality outright. My pictures also mostly obscure my face. There have been guys who have interpreted my profile as a sign that I'm bitchy, even. -Shrug-

Here are some pictures I took in a dd's Discounts, which I guess is like a Ross or a TJ Maxx but feels more downscale to me.

Look at these swaggalicious sunglasses.

Aw yeah what son.

(I'm glad my boyfriend humors me when I put silly things on him. He has very little sense of shame.)

The names of knockoff perfumes tend to crack me up.

I feel like they really weren't trying very hard with this one.

"Our impression of 212 Sexy Men"

So it must be 505 times better, right?

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Thoughts while biking home
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
I tend to zone out when I'm biking unless it's really cold and my ears hurt or something, in which case I focus on the pain and all I can think about is getting home.

Things have been pretty stable for me I guess, in the general scheme of things. Despair rarely comes knocking.

But even though my life is more or less going well, it feels weird.

I think it's just because for the longest time I've (consciously or not) considered suffering an integral part of my self identity. It's disorienting to be moving away from that. Part of me keeps expecting to lapse and be extremely depressed again, or even... hoping for that? Not because I think depression is happy fun times but just... it seemed like it made up part of my personality.

Maybe I've said this before. I think I have, in different words. I'm still discovering who I am without depression. (That's not to say it's totally gone, it's just the faintest it's ever been)

Still, I will admit I draw most of my inspiration from said suffering.

...Though the tiny details of people's lives interest me too now. That's good. I'm finding new things to be interested in. Maybe someday I'll be able to have passions again.

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More JoCo
Monday, February 25, 2013
I've been listening to a lot of Jonathan Coulton songs lately. I sort my iTunes library by date added, and most of the ones at the top (meaning new additions) are by him.

9 out of my 15 newest additions are by him, actually. Did not realize just how many I had added until just now.

I'm spamming my ears with Artificial Heart.

His newest album is... really... poppy? (Pop-y?) That kind of turned me off it at first but I really like a couple of the songs.

I love the themes he writes into his songs. With a lot artists I might like just their music and not feel strongly about the lyrics, or vice versa. Got a good thing going here, though.

Here's my other favorite from the album, Glasses:

Gotta go to school now. I need to start sleeping more... I've been sleep deprived for awhile now and it's... not doing good things for my mood.

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Oh no :C
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I missed an entry...

My boyfriend stayed over Friday night and I spent the whole day with him, so I didn't go on the computer at any point.

I was doing so well, too. D':

But I'm not surprised I forgot. I was really tired yesterday, and I spent over two and a half hours waiting for him to fix a friend of a friend's laptop in a Starbucks.

By the time he had finished I had basically lost all motivation to do anything and he felt really bad for taking me along with him.

We downloaded Amber: Journeys Beyond onto his computer last night and were playing it until we fell asleep. The game really scared me when I was little, and I was remembering that while we played. Scenes from it have been popping into my memory lately though, so I wanted to replay it for... nostalgia's sake, I guess.

Man, I am really disappointed that I missed a day.

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It did make a difference
Friday, February 22, 2013
2013 will be my eighth year on Nutang. Wow.

I was trying to think of why I've kept up blogging for so long. I think that, out of the people here, I am one of the people who has tended to share more... personal details more often. Nowadays I do a lot more simple external happenings stuff instead of internal contemplations, but still.

I've been reading through old journals tonight. I found an entry from 2008 that elaborates a little on the subject of blogging:

{I like it when people think of me. Not like, "I got this for you," but "I was thinking of this joke you told" or "it reminded me of that thing you did." When other people verify my existence, whatever meager importance I have, it makes me feel better. I know my life isn't just some worthless thing that people dismiss as soon as I'm out of sight. They indirectly tell me that I actually make an impression on them... And I really am cheered up.

Maybe that's why I like blogging so much. Even when I'm not around, people will comment. Sometimes they even quote me. It's the little things like this that keep me from coming home and crying. Knowing people care...}

High school was a bit rough for me, not externally but internally, due to depression... I couldn't remember what happiness felt like and resigned myself to a life without it, constantly berated myself privately for every flaw I could find (and there were a lot), and often felt unable to really connect with my peers (a normal problem, I imagine).

I turned to the emo subculture to try to find people who could relate to me. I just wanted to identify with some group so I wouldn't feel like I was facing my emotional issues alone. Though I don't really consider it bullying, I did get made fun of a bit for trying to align myself with what I perceived as the emo lifestyle. I think that at the time, I didn't really understand that there were people who were depressed but not emo.

2007-2008 looks like it was where things got darkest. That would have been my junior year, which makes sense. In 2005 my entries were excited and focused on crushes. By 2008 a lot had changed in me. I guess I had matured somewhat, for one, but depression had also taken over my life and become a core element of my personality. It was always in the back of my mind and I couldn't separate my identity from it. I was also depersonalized/derealized at the time, although I didn't know it at the time. I just knew things didn't feel real, and I didn't feel real.

Even though I do remember having some of these thoughts, when I read my old entries, I can't help but marvel at just how bad it was sometimes. I know I did blog about some of it, but there is a limit to how personal I will get on here.

I'm extremely sleepy, and I think that's just making me nostalgic in a weird way.

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A day of birthdays -Edited-
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Can't remember if I've shared this song before
Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Have been listening to Charade by Henry Mancini on and off today.

When we played our charade
We were like children posing
Playing at games, acting out names
Guessing the parts we played

Oh what a hit we made
We came on next to closing
Best on the bill, lovers until
Love left the masquerade

Fate seemed to pull the strings
I turned and you were gone
While from the darkened wings
The music box played on

Sad little serenade
Song of my heart's composing
I hear it still, I always will
Best on the bill


My boyfriend is feeling depressed and wants to be alone. Wouldn't be a huge deal, except I'm also feeling kind of down and want to talk to him.

I guess I'll just play Sims 3 more instead.

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