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Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bug
Buttersafe
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
DUBBLEBABY
Eat That Toast!
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Owen's Uncles
Phuzzy Comics
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scary Go Round
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Broodhollow
Bullfinch
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Chainsawsuit
Conspiracy Friends!
Daisy is Dead
Distillum
Dream Life
Dumm Comics
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
Intragalactic
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
Moon Town
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream
Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Fogeys
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Mirror
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
I feel better now
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Facebook won't load right for me in either Chrome or Firefox and it's kind of annoying. I'm not sure if something is like... wrong with my connection on my desktop, or what. Skype wasn't really working for me either, earlier. :\

I met up with a new person today. His name is Jesse and he was alright. We talked about various things and walked around and sat in the shade of a tree at a park while he looked through my iPod. At some point we started talking about how different people can look with makeup on, and I told him that when I was an obnoxious teenager I used to jokingly refer to makeup as lie paint. He thought that was really funny and asked if he could steal it. He also said he did feel like makeup was pretty deceptive and I got the general sense that he thought it was better to go without.

Now, I have mixed opinions on this subject. On the one hand, yeah, I think it's deceptive to significantly distort your appearance with makeup, but on the other hand, society has certain parameters for what constitutes an attractive/acceptable face, and if you don't fit into those, you might have to use makeup just to appear "normal" to other people. I'm specifically thinking of girls who get told that they look sick if they're not wearing makeup.

Luckily for me I don't have this problem, although I do look kinda sick if I get too pale. Just thinking about that though, and about how little effort I really put into my appearance most of the time (outside of skincare, which I really can't avoid because my skin SUCKS, but even then I'm not doing all I could), I guess I'm really lucky in general that my natural/default appearance is within the bounds of what is considered conventionally attractive in this day and age... Sometimes I've wondered why people put so much effort into stuff, but maybe that's just what they have to do to keep up and be considered within that nice middle of the bell curve of attractiveness? I'm not trying to brag, I'm just trying to appreciate the ways in which I haven't had to struggle in my life, and which I therefore haven't put much thought into.

I think I forget a lot of the time that the pictures I see of other girls are often made up/retouched/edited in some way to look better, and I just assume they naturally look like that. Every now and then I look through before/after makeup pictures and am amazed at how different people look. I have to do the same thing with bodies and look at MyBodyGallery to remind myself what realistic standards are. It's so easy to forget that there's a lot of variation in facial features and body proportions, and I get sucked into comparing myself to what I see from the media. As one example, I end up looking at, say, Yolandi Visser from Die Antwoord and thinking that she's super attractive and I don't have that kind of body.

"Baby's on Fire" by Die Antwoord.


Like... well, probably just about any girl, really, I've had a lot of body insecurities in my life. Weight is a pretty big one. I almost always feel like I weigh more/have more fat than I want. At some point within the past few years I realized that I actually can't "fix" some parts of my appearance by losing fat, because my frame is just built a particular way. For example, I feel like my rib cage is too big, and that factors into me feeling "fat" a lot. I know it doesn't make any sense... Knowing that doesn't help, though.

There are so many things I don't like about how I look on a daily basis. I'll wish my waist was smaller, or my shoulders were slimmer, or I didn't have so many freckles on my lips, or my boobs were bigger, or my legs were longer, or my calves were slimmer... you get the idea. Just so many things seem wrong or unattractive. But I try not to talk about this much if at all because I know it annoys people. The default reaction is to be incredulous and tell me I'm attractive. I don't think that's quite... what I need, though? I'm not sure. I feel kind of... ashamed to talk about this because I know that relatively speaking I'm attractive to other people. I don't want reassurance or compliments exactly, but... I don't know what I need.

I guess I did used to feel alright about myself when one of my exes used to look at me with a certain expression, even though I didn't think he was attractive and didn't take his opinion on attractiveness super seriously.

Blah, I kinda want to apologize for writing a dumb entry, but then it's like, hey, this is my blog, I can write whatever I want, right...?

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Gah [4P]
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
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I went for a walk [4P]
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
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waetehkaegyhkl;kgahagh;adgf
Monday, June 12, 2017
aheehaewatwuhdvanjsdfahkl;waethoqtghoadsfbgamhgahweathi haxhhargrsghioawetu'agh;dbha;hdfhafh;iodgahio;adghh;aeghdga
;hadfhhio;adfhfhio;dgahio;adfh;hiadfhh;idagjiodga;hiarg;hzdbbh;gad



MY BODY WAS NOT BUILT TO WITHSTAND SUCH FLUSTER

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Dentist, dad, love?
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Well, things these past few days have been going in a very different direction than I expected. I'm having fun, I'm feeling good. No appetite, but I'm generally satisfied with my weight and such. Kind of had to force myself to eat today, but at least I ate more than pure junk. Yesterday I kinda just had junk and a Clif bar. Hopefully we can go grocery shopping soon so I have things to eat. There's so much food in this house and so little I ever want to eat. Just feel like having some fruit... that seems really nice.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow! Hopefully everything checks out okay. Hopefully they don't tell me that the freckle on my lip looks weird and I should get checked out for cancer. They seem to tell me that every other time I go.

My best memory of going to the dentist was during my senior year of high school, after we had a presentation in Physio about the horrifying things that can happen if you don't maintain good oral hygiene. It freaked me out so much that I religiously flossed for months after that, and when I went to the dentist, they told me I had "textbook healthy gums." Every time I have a dentist appointment I secretly hope they'll be proud of me for doing a good job keeping my mouth in shape, but it's never happened again. T_T

Ahhh, Jens Lekman, always so great.

"Your Arms Around Me" by Jens Lekman.


I miss my dad. He's on a bike tour and I don't know when he's getting back. His goal is to bike to Florida from California, and I don't think he's even halfway through Texas right now... In one of our last sessions, I was telling my therapist about how I was worried about my dad and how I didn't want anything bad to happen to him on his tour, and she just said "You love your dad." And I mean, yeah, I don't think I've said it since I was little, but yeah. It feels weird to say, but yeah.

It feels kind of weird to say I love people, and it has felt weird since I was a kid, but I'm opening up to it and I feel like I love my friends and stuff. I remember being 18 and feeling super distraught because I wasn't sure what love was and none of the definitions I found seemed to make any sense to me. Like, I remember something that said you know you love someone when you care about them more than you care about yourself, and I was like, "but I care about everyone more than myself, I don't like myself. Does that mean I love everyone? That doesn't seem right." Unsatisfying definition because it fluctuates based on your level of self-esteem and self-regard.

I don't really have any more to say about that at the moment, I'm just going off on tangents because it's late and I should be going to bed but for some reason I'm still up gah.

I like a boy and it's got me all flustered aaah

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5.5 months [2P]
Saturday, June 10, 2017
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I feel flustered
Thursday, June 8, 2017
(@_______@)

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Something of value
Sunday, June 4, 2017
"My Sentimental Melody" by The Magnetic Fields.

I live on the blue planet
That I saw in your eyes
But now I can't stay
Knowing it's made
Of beautiful lies

---

Love can kill people, can't it?
Well it still may kill me
Each drop of rain
Is a glass of champagne
It's sweet and it's free
When I drink I don't panic
When I drink I don't die
When I'm far gone
It's all just a song
Just beautiful lies


---

I met up with someone yesterday. He's a pretty interesting guy, and I enjoyed talking to him. One of the few extraverts I've met... Socializing was very easy and natural for him, and he said he'd noticed that for people who weren't naturally outgoing, it was hard for them to pick it up. I asked him where he thought I fell on that spectrum, and he said I actually seemed fairly adept at socializing, but he could tell that I had to put effort into it, whereas it came effortlessly to him.

We'd talked for awhile online before meeting up, and at one point he said something that really struck me. I told him I felt kind of bad for shopping and buying things I was only going to wear once or twice, and he responded with "Yeah but those few things that you've only worn once or twice probably looked G R E A T when you actually wore them haha this is actually an adorable and stereotypically 'feminine' quality for you to possess :P"

I guess the reason that this struck me the way it did was because I've always felt kind of guilty for liking shopping, like I'm a bad person for being materialistic at all. My last couple boyfriends had a really negative view of shopping and I didn't feel like it was something I could ever be open about or even approach in conversation with them. Talking to Juliano about it surprised me and made me feel like there are people out there who would accept that part of me and even appreciate it. After that came up in conversation, he asked me a couple different times, unprompted, if I'd bought anything new recently or done any shopping, and I showed him and it felt nice. When we hung out, he also noticed the necklace I was wearing and said he liked it, and I told him about how I only got it because it was a really good deal (under $2), and I never even really wear jewelry usually.

Compliments like the one he gave me about shopping always stay with me. I remember a long time ago, back when Xanga was still a thing (this could have been 10+ years ago now...), Gwenny wrote a post for me as a belated birthday thing. She reframed my pickiness/sensitivity as discerning taste, and said that I was picky, but that meant I picked the best food, best people, etc. I wish I could get her original wording, but Xanga has been gone for a long time. I did email her a few years ago asking if she could download her Xanga archives and send me the post, but apparently she never did. Anyway, that meant a lot to me, because my parents and other people have criticized me a lot in my life for being picky and overly sensitive. In some ways that's been a positive thing, because I've learned how to be more open to new things, but it was also really helpful for me to have some part of that validated and accepted.

It's been a pretty rare occurrence to have something about me I thought was only negative valued by someone else, but I never forget it when it happens. I'd really like to be able to pass that along to other people if I can. I think it kind of goes along with what my dad said about his friend-- that she can find a sincere compliment to give to anyone. I still want to be able to do that, but I haven't been working on it recently... Need to pick that back up.

I should really keep some kind of long term self-development to do list so I don't forget these things. >.>

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