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Memores acti prudentes futuri


How you gonna wave hello or goodbye
when your hands are tied?
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

“The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita






TICoSME
Musicalities!
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
A little longer today
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 4.5 hours.

I went to a couple classes with my new gym friend today, and learned some stuff about her. She's kind of new to working out, so she was super sore after the first class we did... But hopefully she'll get the hang of it soon enough. I told her I was really sore in the beginning too, but eating more (and more protein specifically) was helpful for me. I hope I'm not sore tomorrow...

Feels like I'm getting sick again... I'm just barely over the last one, so this sucks.

Babysat for seven hours today... It wasn't too bad, because the baby was in a good mood. She spent a good few minutes petting the cats with her face today. She also parroted me a bit, so there was a brief period where I was just going "ha ha ha" and she was copying me. Apparently this was very funny, because she giggled for real in between the "ha"s. Those were the funniest ones, I guess. She didn't laugh as much at "hee hee hee" and didn't laugh at all when I tried "ho ho ho."

I feel... very tired now. It's just a little past midnight, and I don't have to get up early for anything tomorrow, but I might just sleep now anyway.

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First and third
Monday, March 28, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 2 hours.

-Sigh- Such a meager hour count. I finally got back to some of my regular classes, though. I was too tired to go to Mat Pilates, so I took a nap instead, but I went to CSI and the dance class after it.

We got a new car today... It's electric, so it doesn't have a huge range, but it's more than enough for most of the driving my family does. Also, this means I can use the carpool lane when I'm by myself! So yay for that.

I had a long and complicated dream last night that I didn't bother to try recording because it was too detailed and difficult to describe... But there was one part in which I got a guy to agree to do something if I led him to gold, and I rode in a giant wheel over mountains of gold pieces in a cave while he sat on some kind of sled or wagon that was attached to my... vehicle... by a piece of wire. The wire came loose, though, and I escaped from him out into open woods. There was a ski path, but dirt instead of snow.

The wheel was kind of like this, except maybe eight feet in diameter, so I wasn't scrunched in:


There were numerous shifts in perspective during the dream... sometimes it was in first person, sometimes third... I don't know how normal that is for other people, but it happens a lot in my dreams, I guess. More like watching a movie half the time than being an active participant in something... Especially in the ones where there's some element of body horror. But... I guess those are kind of simultaneously first and third person... It's hard to explain, because obviously you never experience both perspectives in real life, but yeah...

Here's another song my friend shared with me... It's very ambient, atmospheric... Like being in a trance... But something about it makes me think of seeing someone far away, whom I'm sure I've never met before, but who seems familiar in a way I can't place. It also reminds me of the darkness and solitude of the deep sea.

"Stranger" by Dentist.

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Building back up [2P]
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Body, nooo
Friday, March 25, 2016
Ugh, I guess taking a break from the gym really weakened me. Or maybe it was being sick. Or... just both? I don't know. Apparently that one class on Wednesday made me really sore, though. It feels like someone used my abdomen as a punching bag. Really sucks. I still need to cough sometimes, but it hurts a lot when I do. It also hurts a ton when I laugh. Thankfully(?) I haven't been laughing too hard the past couple days, but this morning one of the babies at work made a really hilarious face, and I laughed at it, which I instantly regretted.

Owww, it hurts to sneeze. >_<

I went to bed extremely early last night, after coming home from having dinner with my family for my dad's birthday. Was just so tired... I think I was in bed before 10, yet somehow I managed to sleep through my alarm at 8 AM. o_o (I guess in my defense, I was wearing ear plugs, because the neighbor kid was playing the damn saxophone when I was trying to sleep) Luckily my dad knocked on my door to check to see if I was going to work this morning.

Somehow, I was still tired during work, and after I got home, I slept more... Ugh, I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it just from being sick? I feel so tired all the time...

Maybe it's sleep deprivation, though. My sleep schedule has been really messed up. Last night was the first night in awhile that I went to sleep before midnight. Wednesday night I was up really late talking to a friend in... uh... Alabama? about various creepy/horror things... I shared "Spleen" by Ruth White with him, and he linked me to some Asian horror comics.

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First day back
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
I went to the gym today for the first time since... March 11th. :S I didn't feel very good when I was there, but I got through the class okay. It was supposed to be Piloxing, but the regular instructor was out, so we had a sub and did something called Core and More instead. It helped that it wasn't particularly fast-paced. I imagine it would have been easier if I'd had more sleep, had eaten something before going, and wasn't still a bit sick, haha.

Oh, and I made a new friend while I was there! That was pretty cool. She just got a gym membership and was asking me about the gym. I told her I liked it there and felt like it was a supportive/comfortable environment. I guess I really sold it to her, because she seemed very encouraged. We exchanged numbers after the class, so I'll hopefully see her again at the gym sometime.

I think Fro and I are going to analyze some messages to see if any trends pop up, so that'll be a fun little project...

---Edit---

I like this song, but it's practically impossible to figure out what some of the lyrics are...

"Don't Cry Those Tears" by Jack Colwell.

Here come the tears
I know the riddles of the heart
I know that sometimes it gets dark
I know the secrets of the mind
I know that sometimes it gets blind


---

I had a dream that there was a hospital, and it was night time. In one of the rooms, a bunch of bloody people, some eviscerated, were lying on cots, and some were piled on top of each other. A blonde middle-aged nurse was saying "I don't want to cut open any more people" tearfully, as she brought a scalpel to the abdomen of one of the patients. I inferred that she was being coerced or controlled in some way by someone else. I went out of the room and saw a man, balding, maybe mid-sixties, standing in a side room that had some counters and cabinets in it. He was the one who was controlling her, I could sense it. It was through mind control powers of some sort, though, so there was no direct evidence of his part in things. I had to kill him, to make him stop. I found a stick of some sort and tried to hit him with it, but it just bounced off as if he were made of rubber... And he laughed at me. He knew what I was trying to do, but somehow he was immune to my attacks. I managed to push him to the floor, though, and he turned into a blue rubbery Buddha-- the slim kind, not the fat bald one-- and became much lighter. I grabbed his shoulders and bashed his head against the floor and the bottom of a cabinet, and he seemed to shrink, but his face never changed its expression from its slight smile. I hit his head until it cracked and ketchup-like blood flowed from it, and then I dropped him. He was tiny, just a small blue figurine on the floor. I stood up and walked away, then woke up.

The images from the dream were very graphic, and stuck in my mind for awhile. I felt disturbed.

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I need to fix my sleep schedule
Monday, March 21, 2016
I slept on and off most of the day today, and I don't think that was a good idea. I feel weird now.

Have been remembering my dreams a lot more since the congestion decreased enough that I could stop sleeping sitting up. I haven't been noting anything down, though, or making an effort to retain any of it. Too many to bother with.

I did have a dream that I was watching Childish Gambino improvise lyrics to "Flight Of The Navigator" though. There was an open cube with an iron bar frame, and broken glass hanging from the top, and he was stepping in and out of it slowly, narrating his actions for the song.

I've been thinking a lot about moving, and what that will entail. It's not happening for another few months yet, but it's a big thing, I guess. Hoping I'll just get the school-owned apartment I'm waitlisted for, so I won't have to find something else... Thinking about the new people I'll meet, and what my cohort will be like... And my birthday, of course, since school starts the day after it. But Kyle is supposed to come up and spend my birthday with me, so that makes it less stressful to think about.

Was up past 4 this morning talking to a guy and sharing music... He linked some Gotye songs I didn't know (I only really knew "Somebody That I Used To Know" and "Eyes Wide Open" before). This one gave me a really strong sense of déja vu, but I have no idea where I would have heard it before...

"Hearts A Mess" by Gotye.

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3 AM trolling [2P]
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Guess the ethnicity
Saturday, March 19, 2016
So there's this game that guys on OKC will sometimes try to play with me. I've decided to call it "guess the ethnicity" because that's basically what it is. This is how it goes:

Guy: So where's your family from?
Me: Here? The US?
Guy: Yeah but I mean, what about your family outside the US?
Me: My whole family is in the US.
Guy: But where did you come from?
Me: I was born here.
Guy: I bet you're Vietnamese. Taiwanese? Ooh, Japanese? Or maybe from Singapore?

One time a guy said I had "Hmong eyes" and I had to look that up to find out what it meant.

It's sort of weird and annoying that people assume I'm "not from here" just because of the way I look. I mean, I speak/type English perfectly, I have no references in my profile to anything Asian, and I never bring up my heritage in conversation.

Just makes me kind of tired. I've seen other Asian girls bring up this problem before, so I know my experience isn't unique. I know some people write it off and just say "oh, well they're just interested in your culture!" but like... you kind of know that they're not asking these questions to every person they meet. If you went up to a white person and said "where's your family from?" it would have a different meaning... Or they'd be like "Ohio" or something if their family hadn't just been in this state for generations, and that would be that. You can ask white people about their ethnic background, but there's a low chance they'll have a strong connection to it. I know a lot of people can name their ethnic makeup (e.g. "I'm French, German, and Scottish") but I've never seen anybody get that answer and follow it up with "So what's it like being from Scotland??"

I guess the reason that this is tiresome or obnoxious or generally just unpleasant to deal with is that it implies I don't really "belong" here, because of the way I look. It's not an active discrimination thing exactly, but it's one of those... implicit association things, I guess. I don't get to be just "American", because the default image associated with that is a white person. Gotta be "Asian American" instead, but a lot of people don't really distinguish that from just "Asian", and there's still a connotation of... otherness to it. When you're just American, being American doesn't have to be the focal point of your identity, but when you're Asian American, sometimes it's like that's the first thing people pay attention to, and that's the most prominent part of who you are.

And yes, I know that people aren't trying to be racist or anything by asking questions about my ethnic background, but it still says something about how they view me and people who look like me. It's easy for people who have never experienced it to write it off and say it's just people being "curious" or "interested in your heritage" but like, it really does wear you down over time. It's a hard thing to complain about because other people minimize it, but it gives you this sense of not being normal. It's annoying when people repeatedly tell you that you can't be "from here" because you're Asian. I don't want how people identify me to revolve around my ethnicity. Maybe that's why I like meeting people in chatrooms and stuff... they can't form first impressions of me based on my physical appearance.

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