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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Time after time, I'll start to forget
as long as I know it's as good as it gets
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories ó if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

ďThe road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road.Ē
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita






TICoSME
Musicalities!
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Things to be happy about
Monday, March 24, 2014
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Gone, gone, gone
Sunday, March 23, 2014


In the timid darkness tonight
Soaking up moonlight
Are all your roses in the Nordic countries
Soaking up moonlight forever
Now life is a dream
Atlas of fears
Soaking up moonlight
Soaking up moonlight
Soaking up moonlight
Labored with her colors and sound
Iíll arrest your love
See all my echoes of a supernova
Iíll arrest your love forever
Now life is a dream
Atlas of fears
Iíll arrest your love
Iíll arrest your love
Iíll arrest your love
What do you see when you close your eyes
The beautiful disappearing truth
My recovered memories of the current landscape
Soaking up the moonlight in the Nordic countries

---

Almost two and a half years, gone just like that...

I think it was the right thing to do, but that doesn't make it any easier.

brb going to go hibernate in sadness for the next thousand years

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Sleep?
Friday, March 21, 2014
My sleep schedule is horrible. Some nights I don't go to bed until after 2 AM, some I fall asleep at 10 PM. Wednesday night... er... Thursday morning... I slept at 6 AM. And woke up at 7:53 AM. -__-

I had about half an hour to go before my alarm went off, so I tried to just fall back asleep. It was surprisingly difficult. I was just lying there with my eyes closed and I thought that for sure the alarm was going to ring any second, then I looked at the clock and it was 8:11.

So yeah I need to fix this. My sleep schedule has been bad this entire quarter and I'm hoping I can make it more regular for spring quarter...

---

I went to the sheriff's office to get fingerprinted today so I can volunteer at the crisis hotline and they had a big chest of stuffed animals in the waiting area.

I thought this one was cute, though a little creepy because it has no nose.


---

Some parts of this album are interesting.

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First HowAboutWe date
Monday, March 17, 2014
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I wish you wouldn't
Friday, March 14, 2014
"When are you going to stop taking Romeo to get medication?"

My parents might as well be asking me

"When do you want to let him die?"

I wish they would stop.

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Going gone
Thursday, March 13, 2014
You know, I think you told me
You have a new name now

---

Measuring my life in late night conversations and still moments. These are the memories that remain. The days are fading into bright blurs, they're missing details.

That day on Broadway, walking by myself past the grocery stores. This is a memory in third person, and I watch myself draw closer. My perspective is unable to shift in the scene. I was alone. I wasn't worried. I was happy?

Why aren't more of my memories in first person?

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2290
Friday, March 7, 2014
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Being "smart"
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
I was relatively laidback in high school when it came to grades. I never got any final grades below a B that I can recall, but I was pretty content with Bs. As were cool, but not something I really stressed about.

Now I'm a straight A student, and I stress a lot about maintaining that.

There was this study done about neuroplasticity in the depression recently-ish. If you don't know what neuroplasticity is, basically it's this idea that our brains change and adapt. Our neurons form connections with each other which are strengthened by repeated exposure or weakened by lack of exposure to particular things. Anyway, this study found that depressed people have less neuroplasticity, which means they have more trouble adapting (and therefore learning).

In a way that can perpetuate depression, because it kind of impedes a person from making new connections/associations. This is why it is pretty useless to tell people who have depression to cheer up or be more optimistic. Their brains just can't make that shift easily. You get stuck in this puddle of pessimism and it's hard to see things any other way.

I'm wondering if this neuroplasticity thing affected my grades in high school at all, or if it was just other factors in my life. I was depressed throughout my high school years, but at the same time, that was kind of my "first time" experiencing depression, even if it never really ended for years. I hadn't developed good coping mechanisms yet, so maybe things just affected me more then.

Even though I know I've had depressive episodes since high school, in my mind they don't compare to how I felt back then. I don't know if this is just because I've learned how to handle them better or if things really just were worse. In any case, since my second semester of college, I've been getting nothing but As (with the disappointing exception of two A-s). So I guess the (unanswerable) question is, am I less depressed now than I was in high school? And related to that, is my brain more plastic now than it was? Does that factor in to why I'm achieving more?

There are too many factors to really know, though. I mean, I'm more motivated now, I guess. In senior year of high school I started getting some esteem boosts from getting good grades and recognition from teachers. (Well, technically it started in junior year I guess, but I think it had a bigger impact in senior year) I work harder now than I did in high school. Back then I would put the minimum possible effort in to get a B. Now I put the effort in to get as close to perfect as possible when I can. My perception of myself has also changed. I don't view myself as inferior to everyone around me anymore. In a (somewhat horrifying?) twist of fate, my classmates perceive me as possibly the smartest person in the class. My school friends routinely check their answers against mine to verify them, and I get asked a lot of questions about our course material.

What's weirder to me is that I actually KNOW the answers to most of these questions. In high school my motto could've been "I don't know." Now I find myself telling people that not only do I know, but I can explain it to them so they understand. It's strange to be confident about things. Even though it was over three years ago now, the memory of being confused and fearful is still very fresh in my memory. It's hard to forget being afraid to walk because you don't know if the ground in front of you is real or not. It's strange to feel like I CAN know things.

This post is getting kind of ramble-y. And this question is like "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" "Which came first, a brain change or a behavior/perspective change?"

I guess all I can really say is that my life is different, and I'm different. Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad. I'm less overwhelmed now, but I also feel less creative and expressive. I think I'm more externally focused and less internally focused. (Might have to do with why I post less these days than I used to)

Anyway, that's it, I think. There aren't a lot of thoughts I feel are blog-worthy anymore, but this is something I wanted to keep.

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