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Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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It did make a difference
Friday, February 22, 2013
2013 will be my eighth year on Nutang. Wow.

I was trying to think of why I've kept up blogging for so long. I think that, out of the people here, I am one of the people who has tended to share more... personal details more often. Nowadays I do a lot more simple external happenings stuff instead of internal contemplations, but still.

I've been reading through old journals tonight. I found an entry from 2008 that elaborates a little on the subject of blogging:

{I like it when people think of me. Not like, "I got this for you," but "I was thinking of this joke you told" or "it reminded me of that thing you did." When other people verify my existence, whatever meager importance I have, it makes me feel better. I know my life isn't just some worthless thing that people dismiss as soon as I'm out of sight. They indirectly tell me that I actually make an impression on them... And I really am cheered up.

Maybe that's why I like blogging so much. Even when I'm not around, people will comment. Sometimes they even quote me. It's the little things like this that keep me from coming home and crying. Knowing people care...}

High school was a bit rough for me, not externally but internally, due to depression... I couldn't remember what happiness felt like and resigned myself to a life without it, constantly berated myself privately for every flaw I could find (and there were a lot), and often felt unable to really connect with my peers (a normal problem, I imagine).

I turned to the emo subculture to try to find people who could relate to me. I just wanted to identify with some group so I wouldn't feel like I was facing my emotional issues alone. Though I don't really consider it bullying, I did get made fun of a bit for trying to align myself with what I perceived as the emo lifestyle. I think that at the time, I didn't really understand that there were people who were depressed but not emo.

2007-2008 looks like it was where things got darkest. That would have been my junior year, which makes sense. In 2005 my entries were excited and focused on crushes. By 2008 a lot had changed in me. I guess I had matured somewhat, for one, but depression had also taken over my life and become a core element of my personality. It was always in the back of my mind and I couldn't separate my identity from it. I was also depersonalized/derealized at the time, although I didn't know it at the time. I just knew things didn't feel real, and I didn't feel real.

Even though I do remember having some of these thoughts, when I read my old entries, I can't help but marvel at just how bad it was sometimes. I know I did blog about some of it, but there is a limit to how personal I will get on here.

I'm extremely sleepy, and I think that's just making me nostalgic in a weird way.

Recommended by 2 Members
dont-see undisputed
8 Comments.


I'm kind of wishing I hadn't deleted all of my old password entries {I forgot that if you click the edit option, you can see all the passwords} but I kind of have an idea as to the gist of what went on. I started here in Dec. 04 shortly after my first heartbreak so the ones that were deleted were pretty much just about that. I agree that it's kind of therapeutic in a way to see just how far you've come from the past.
» LostSoul13 on 2013-02-22 03:08:58

Man I can relate to this entry Even the emo part. Thanks for always managing to comment on my blog. I like your blog, glad you have been on so long.

Its painful looking back at my old entries. I feel so immature.

And nooo not many guys are upfront with me. I rarely get hit on but when I do I blog about it because its always in a weird awkward way and I'm always surprised.

And woo grimes shes pretty cool. I saw her awhile back in la, she's so hip.
» dont-see on 2013-02-22 09:04:10

re: I was in your spot when I first started driving. I was afraid to drive around in parking lots, the city streets, my neighborhood, everywhere. After I bought my own car, I think the freedom helped me get over it because I took it out all the time. And when the sun is rising/setting at just the right {wrong} level, it sucks! for driving cuz you can't see anything. I think that's why I prefer the night. Less bright lol.
» LostSoul13 on 2013-02-23 01:31:27

Crap has it been 8 years? I guess so, the great Xanga outage of 2003... wait, that's ten years. Uh. I guess that makes sense. I was just telling boss yesterday that I was ten years out of practice on something, and he looked at me like I was insane. Then he tried to figure out how old I was.

Also, I hope those songs got stuck in your head. STUCK. Because I have "gas in my car" stuck in my head, HARD.
» ikimashokie on 2013-02-23 09:37:32

Doubly also, I've restarted my nutang so many times... I decided after my most recent "I hate life", that I wasn't going to restart it.

Now I read old posts and go "man, what the hell".
» ikimashokie on 2013-02-23 09:49:28

I'll quote the cheese bagel story you just left in my comments. That was majestic.

re: It doesn't go bad very quickly. Since cheese is basically mold already, going downhill is kind of hard for it.
» Unicornasaurus on 2013-02-23 04:04:26

Ok, so I was about to write "What we do in life echoes in eternity," but then I went onto YouTube to watch the clip from Gladiator and now several hours have passed and I've watched all kinds of inspirational videos. I think Sylvester Stallone's speech in Rocky Balboa was the best one that I watched. Now it is 2 in the morning. Anyway, I wanted to say that we do rather appreciate you being here, and we do think about the things you've said. Each individual life touches so many others, and it is impossible to disentangle all of the effects that cascade from such interactions, you know? I've been nostalgically reading my past entries, too... it's weird to understand that you are who you are now, but you also are who you were then. That's definitely one interesting aspect of keeping a record.
» Zanzibar on 2013-02-23 08:06:02

I cringe when I re-read my old posts.. I've been here since 03 I refuse to even go back to 2011, let alone high school.
» undisputed on 2013-02-24 10:53:37

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