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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Can't you see what you've done to my heart and soul?
this is a wasteland now
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

“The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita






TICoSME
Musicalities!
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Lumping these together [2P]
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Money and frustration
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I feel so helpless sometimes. Financially, I'm okay myself. I live with my parents... but there's enough money to pay the bills, send me to school, all that... I'm always a little on edge about money because I don't know what we'll do if my dad loses his job...

But you know, I'm always hearing about how other people have it worse. Or seeing, in some cases. Like the man with the battered guitar who told me he was playing Swan Lake. I always want to help these people.

Different people wish they were rich for different reasons. Sure, I think it would be cool to buy stuff, I guess, but most of the time I just wish I had a lot of money so I could help people I care about.

I feel like I have nothing tangible I can offer...

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City trip
Sunday, November 6, 2011
My boyfriend and I went to San Francisco yesterday. When I told my mom about our trip plan, she busted out a map and started telling me about all these places we could go, but I didn't really want to have an itinerary. Honestly I just like walking around with no destination in mind. That way, when you find something good, it's a pleasant surprise instead of an expectation.

We took Caltrain up to avoid the hassle of driving/parking in San Francisco. The train ride took a bit longer, but transit time doesn't matter unless you have specific plans. :P He wanted to cuddle with me during the ride though, which was just a teensy bit uncomfortable because of the position I had to sit in to do it.

Once we reached our destination, we essentially just wandered around for hours. I'm sure that sounds terrible to some people, but I really do like just looking around and wandering aimlessly. Lemme try and think of some highlights, though...

-We saw a fat lady singing opera. (She was really good)
-Passed a strip club, and a couple girls were walking by it at the same time, and one said "ooh, what's this? Oh. A strip club."
-Visited a shop called Indie Industries that was full of terrible hipster clothing.
-Saw many many many many pigeons. So many pigeons.
-Went into a candy shop and tried a piece of saltwater taffy (flavor: hot chocolate with mint and cayenne). It tasted good, although I couldn't detect the mint or cayenne flavors... And then he grabbed me and started dancing to the music in the store. XD I'm awful at dancing, and lock up when I feel awkward, so uh, that didn't work too well.

It did rain on us, in the evening. I had an umbrella, but it wasn't enough to adequately cover two people, so we both got kind of wet. I think we had to walk about two miles in the rain? Not very far for me, but he's not used to walking very long distances I think, so it was worse for him.

After we got back to my house, we had tea and hot chocolate and watched a couple movies. He fell asleep, and I didn't want to disturb him to tell him to go home.

He's slept at my house like... three or four times in the past few weeks, and my parents don't seem entirely comfortable with it. My mom just keeps saying to "not make it a habit," for the most part. I think it's weirder because I haven't even been dating him for a month yet. Today makes three weeks, actually, if I remember correctly. I know he feels like it's been much longer, but... yeah...

This is the first not-long-distance relationship I've had, so it's kind of funny that he's sort of staying over more than my LDR boyfriends did. -Shrug- Guess that's the way things work out?

In any case I prefer sleeping by myself. Can't stay asleep when there's someone else in the room...

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Finally remembering one
Friday, November 4, 2011
I think I probably missed twenty hours of sleep this week. I haven't been sleeping much for the past couple weeks in general, though.

On Fridays I only have one class, and it ends at 8:20 AM. My dad dropped me off at school this morning, and after class, I walked the ~3 miles home. Might've taken 40 minutes or so.

Once home, I basically just went to my room and slept for five hours (not straight-- I woke up a couple times and just went back to sleep).

I haven't been sleeping enough to remember my dreams in awhile. I can only recall the very edges of things, and it bothers me.

But, during my nap of sorts today, I did remember what I dreamt.

And it was scary.

---

I was hanging out with some dark/long haired guy, I don't know who it was. He started treating me like his girlfriend, holding me, kissing me on the cheek, getting really close to me... and after a bit of this I was like, "um, I have a boyfriend."

He froze. Then moved away. I stood there, blinking, and he was silent, and his expression didn't change, but his eyes seemed very very angry. I knew he thought I had been leading him on.

I was holding something, I don't know what. It might have been a binder. I had it in my hands, in front of my stomach. He stabbed it, twice, obviously wanting to hurt me, but only damaging the binder. Then he left. I put the binder in the trash, frightened, and then went to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

In the bathroom, with the toothbrush in my mouth, I briefly closed my eyes. When I opened them, I saw him standing behind me in the mirror. Terrified, I turned to my left, and he wasn't behind me, but he was staring at me through the window. I hurriedly finished and went somewhere else.

Back in my room, it was dim. I turned away from the window for a moment, and when I looked back around, he was outside it and staring at me again. I ran out of the room, shutting the door behind me.

He followed me everywhere I went, just watching, and every time I looked at a window, he would be there, staring. He always knew where I was, where I was going, where I would be. I couldn't get away.

Finally, I was in the car with Jasper, trying to escape my stalker. We went down a street, but it was a dead end, and we had to turn around. I was frantic, wanting Jasper to drive faster, but he wouldn't. We went down another street, a bright mainstreet type next to a pier, but there was a woman walking in front of the car, and we couldn't go very fast. It didn't matter anyway, because the road also had a dead end.

By this point, I couldn't take it anymore, and I ran out of the car and into a nearby shop that sold fabrics, clothes, and crafting supplies. I knew he was coming after me with a knife, but I reasoned that he wouldn't be able to find me if I just hid well enough.

I dashed into a room with a grey floor and fluorescent lighting and hid behind some large concrete spools. There was a large thin board above me and some black power cords were lying on the floor. I sat there, knees pulled to my chest, hoping with all my might that he wouldn't find me. The fear I felt made it hard to breathe, and I was on the brink of tears.

Unfortunately, he seemed to know exactly where I was. He walked over at a casual pace, loosely holding a chef's knife in his right hand. I hoped, really hoped, that he wouldn't see me because I was below eye level, but he bent down and looked me straight in the eye. I was shaking with terror, but he just calmly straightened up, then walked over to where I was.

He stood there for a few seconds, and then plunged the knife into the board above my head. I think he meant to drive it into my head, but the board stopped it. While he was distracted, I skirted out of the failed hiding spot and quickly pinned him to the ground on his stomach.

I have no idea how, but I got his legs and arms and restrained them behind his back, then grabbed one of the power cords and tied his limbs together. I don't think it was going to hold him long, and I was still scared almost out of my wits, but I woke up just then and didn't have to find out if he got me in the end.

---

I wonder if that's how it feels to have a stalker in real life...

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Different things
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Today was okay, and then it was not okay.

It's hard to tell if I'm just getting depressed or if this is more serious than that.

-Sigh-

I regret.

---Edit---

It's like waking up from a dream, over and over again, except you never really stop dreaming. The dream goes on and on, and you keep waking up from it, but it's the same dream, and it never ends. And things are happening around you, and they're strange things, you don't understand why they're happening, and you laugh, because they're odd, really they're very odd, and you don't know why they're happening. And you keep waking up.

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Romantic, sir
Saturday, October 29, 2011
"I feel like a galloping cow around you."
-- My boyfriend

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Some sorta mood...
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I got... probably three hours of sleep last night. That's a generous estimate.

Had to down an energy shot so I wouldn't pass out at school today. I couldn't drink the whole thing at once, so I had to take two gulps, and good lord, it was awful. I walked into my class unable to stop grimacing and had to chug some water to wash the taste away.

I'm in kind of a weird mood now. The shot I took was supposedly going to last for eight hours, but I took it about twelve hours ago and I don't feel sleepy yet. -Shrug-

New boyfriend wasn't at school today (or yesterday for that matter), so I was a bit productive and did the homework I've been putting off. I thought it was going to be super fast, but I actually only got two days' worth of notes down before I had to go to class. X| (I have two or three more days of notes to go) -Sigh-

Oh, I'm getting distracted. Back to the weird mood.

I'm in a creepily-hit-on-girls mood. I don't know why. I just want to go up to some attractive female and drag out a few cheesy pickup lines and sleazy winks/nods. Give her a "how YOU doin'? look. I honestly don't know why. It just seems like the right thing to do right now.

In any case, I'd rather feel like hitting on girls in a creepy fashion than be wincing at memories. It's at least amusing instead of painful.

...I wish I had Halloween plans.

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Number withheld
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Apparently I accidentally dialed 911. I don't even know how that happened, but I hung up, and they called back and left a voicemail, saying that I had called them and to call back if it was an emergency, but not bother if it was an accident.

No idea how all that happened...

I went to bed sometime after 10 PM last night, so kind of late considering I get up at 5:30 AM, but still not that bad. Alice texted me around midnight though, and kept texting for half an hour, maybe an hour, so I didn't get much sleep. Consequently, I was falling asleep in my classes today.

Now that I'm home, I still want to sleep. Gotta write a four page piece for Fiction, though. X| -Sigh- I guess I could take a nap, but I wonder if it would mess up my sleep schedule...

I'm having doubts about a lot of things, but I guess I'm always having doubts about everything, so maybe it doesn't matter.

...Y'know what, screw it. I'm going to go take a nap so I don't just pass out from exhaustion at my desk.

---Edit---

I think the tiredness was making me feel awful. Things are better now that I've slept.

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