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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Can't you see what you've done to my heart and soul?
this is a wasteland now
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

“The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita






TICoSME
Musicalities!
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Body, nooo
Friday, March 25, 2016
Ugh, I guess taking a break from the gym really weakened me. Or maybe it was being sick. Or... just both? I don't know. Apparently that one class on Wednesday made me really sore, though. It feels like someone used my abdomen as a punching bag. Really sucks. I still need to cough sometimes, but it hurts a lot when I do. It also hurts a ton when I laugh. Thankfully(?) I haven't been laughing too hard the past couple days, but this morning one of the babies at work made a really hilarious face, and I laughed at it, which I instantly regretted.

Owww, it hurts to sneeze. >_<

I went to bed extremely early last night, after coming home from having dinner with my family for my dad's birthday. Was just so tired... I think I was in bed before 10, yet somehow I managed to sleep through my alarm at 8 AM. o_o (I guess in my defense, I was wearing ear plugs, because the neighbor kid was playing the damn saxophone when I was trying to sleep) Luckily my dad knocked on my door to check to see if I was going to work this morning.

Somehow, I was still tired during work, and after I got home, I slept more... Ugh, I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it just from being sick? I feel so tired all the time...

Maybe it's sleep deprivation, though. My sleep schedule has been really messed up. Last night was the first night in awhile that I went to sleep before midnight. Wednesday night I was up really late talking to a friend in... uh... Alabama? about various creepy/horror things... I shared "Spleen" by Ruth White with him, and he linked me to some Asian horror comics.

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First day back
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
I went to the gym today for the first time since... March 11th. :S I didn't feel very good when I was there, but I got through the class okay. It was supposed to be Piloxing, but the regular instructor was out, so we had a sub and did something called Core and More instead. It helped that it wasn't particularly fast-paced. I imagine it would have been easier if I'd had more sleep, had eaten something before going, and wasn't still a bit sick, haha.

Oh, and I made a new friend while I was there! That was pretty cool. She just got a gym membership and was asking me about the gym. I told her I liked it there and felt like it was a supportive/comfortable environment. I guess I really sold it to her, because she seemed very encouraged. We exchanged numbers after the class, so I'll hopefully see her again at the gym sometime.

I think Fro and I are going to analyze some messages to see if any trends pop up, so that'll be a fun little project...

---Edit---

I like this song, but it's practically impossible to figure out what some of the lyrics are...

"Don't Cry Those Tears" by Jack Colwell.

Here come the tears
I know the riddles of the heart
I know that sometimes it gets dark
I know the secrets of the mind
I know that sometimes it gets blind


---

I had a dream that there was a hospital, and it was night time. In one of the rooms, a bunch of bloody people, some eviscerated, were lying on cots, and some were piled on top of each other. A blonde middle-aged nurse was saying "I don't want to cut open any more people" tearfully, as she brought a scalpel to the abdomen of one of the patients. I inferred that she was being coerced or controlled in some way by someone else. I went out of the room and saw a man, balding, maybe mid-sixties, standing in a side room that had some counters and cabinets in it. He was the one who was controlling her, I could sense it. It was through mind control powers of some sort, though, so there was no direct evidence of his part in things. I had to kill him, to make him stop. I found a stick of some sort and tried to hit him with it, but it just bounced off as if he were made of rubber... And he laughed at me. He knew what I was trying to do, but somehow he was immune to my attacks. I managed to push him to the floor, though, and he turned into a blue rubbery Buddha-- the slim kind, not the fat bald one-- and became much lighter. I grabbed his shoulders and bashed his head against the floor and the bottom of a cabinet, and he seemed to shrink, but his face never changed its expression from its slight smile. I hit his head until it cracked and ketchup-like blood flowed from it, and then I dropped him. He was tiny, just a small blue figurine on the floor. I stood up and walked away, then woke up.

The images from the dream were very graphic, and stuck in my mind for awhile. I felt disturbed.

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I need to fix my sleep schedule
Monday, March 21, 2016
I slept on and off most of the day today, and I don't think that was a good idea. I feel weird now.

Have been remembering my dreams a lot more since the congestion decreased enough that I could stop sleeping sitting up. I haven't been noting anything down, though, or making an effort to retain any of it. Too many to bother with.

I did have a dream that I was watching Childish Gambino improvise lyrics to "Flight Of The Navigator" though. There was an open cube with an iron bar frame, and broken glass hanging from the top, and he was stepping in and out of it slowly, narrating his actions for the song.

I've been thinking a lot about moving, and what that will entail. It's not happening for another few months yet, but it's a big thing, I guess. Hoping I'll just get the school-owned apartment I'm waitlisted for, so I won't have to find something else... Thinking about the new people I'll meet, and what my cohort will be like... And my birthday, of course, since school starts the day after it. But Kyle is supposed to come up and spend my birthday with me, so that makes it less stressful to think about.

Was up past 4 this morning talking to a guy and sharing music... He linked some Gotye songs I didn't know (I only really knew "Somebody That I Used To Know" and "Eyes Wide Open" before). This one gave me a really strong sense of déja vu, but I have no idea where I would have heard it before...

"Hearts A Mess" by Gotye.

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3 AM trolling [2P]
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Guess the ethnicity
Saturday, March 19, 2016
So there's this game that guys on OKC will sometimes try to play with me. I've decided to call it "guess the ethnicity" because that's basically what it is. This is how it goes:

Guy: So where's your family from?
Me: Here? The US?
Guy: Yeah but I mean, what about your family outside the US?
Me: My whole family is in the US.
Guy: But where did you come from?
Me: I was born here.
Guy: I bet you're Vietnamese. Taiwanese? Ooh, Japanese? Or maybe from Singapore?

One time a guy said I had "Hmong eyes" and I had to look that up to find out what it meant.

It's sort of weird and annoying that people assume I'm "not from here" just because of the way I look. I mean, I speak/type English perfectly, I have no references in my profile to anything Asian, and I never bring up my heritage in conversation.

Just makes me kind of tired. I've seen other Asian girls bring up this problem before, so I know my experience isn't unique. I know some people write it off and just say "oh, well they're just interested in your culture!" but like... you kind of know that they're not asking these questions to every person they meet. If you went up to a white person and said "where's your family from?" it would have a different meaning... Or they'd be like "Ohio" or something if their family hadn't just been in this state for generations, and that would be that. You can ask white people about their ethnic background, but there's a low chance they'll have a strong connection to it. I know a lot of people can name their ethnic makeup (e.g. "I'm French, German, and Scottish") but I've never seen anybody get that answer and follow it up with "So what's it like being from Scotland??"

I guess the reason that this is tiresome or obnoxious or generally just unpleasant to deal with is that it implies I don't really "belong" here, because of the way I look. It's not an active discrimination thing exactly, but it's one of those... implicit association things, I guess. I don't get to be just "American", because the default image associated with that is a white person. Gotta be "Asian American" instead, but a lot of people don't really distinguish that from just "Asian", and there's still a connotation of... otherness to it. When you're just American, being American doesn't have to be the focal point of your identity, but when you're Asian American, sometimes it's like that's the first thing people pay attention to, and that's the most prominent part of who you are.

And yes, I know that people aren't trying to be racist or anything by asking questions about my ethnic background, but it still says something about how they view me and people who look like me. It's easy for people who have never experienced it to write it off and say it's just people being "curious" or "interested in your heritage" but like, it really does wear you down over time. It's a hard thing to complain about because other people minimize it, but it gives you this sense of not being normal. It's annoying when people repeatedly tell you that you can't be "from here" because you're Asian. I don't want how people identify me to revolve around my ethnicity. Maybe that's why I like meeting people in chatrooms and stuff... they can't form first impressions of me based on my physical appearance.

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Tasteless
Friday, March 18, 2016
Lately I haven't been remembering my dreams... It's kind of strange. I know with certainty that I have been dreaming, but I can't recall the plots or anything of the dreams. But... I think at least that I've been having nice dreams. I wish I could remember them. Today I woke up with some guitar tune in my head that was playing in the dream. I can't remember it now, but it seemed kind of like a jazzy, stylized "Girl from Ipanema" song. I have only faint impressions of what I've been dreaming about, but it feels like I've been having low key dreams about just hanging out with people and talking to them. I think it's people I don't really know, though...

Umm... my dad switched out the graphics card in my computer for a new one, and it seems to have fixed the constant crashing problems, so that's cool. I think the card my ex put in there was getting close to being ten years old (2007?), so it was time for an update anyway.

I had friends over today, so that was nice, if a bit tiring because I'm still sick. I spent a couple hours before they came over just cleaning up my room and the kitchen a bit. It's been awhile since the last time I cleaned my room... What with... stress and stuff... I hadn't gotten around to it. Mostly I just needed to put away clean laundry, throw some unneeded papers into the recycling, and vacuum, so nothing too complicated. I also dusted a bit and put some books away... I'm kind of running out of bookshelf space for everything, though. My dad gave away a big portion of his sci fi collection last year, and I didn't want to let some of the books go, so they live in my room now. Unfortunately, that means I don't have as much shelf space for my own collection of books, so... I should maybe get rid of some. A lot of my books have sentimental value attached to them, so it's hard to know what I'll be able to let go of without regretting it. I feel comforted by having them around.

Earlier today I was talking to Kyle, and he said he was considering quitting his job, and I semi-jokingly suggested that he should get a job near me when I go to grad school, so we can hang out while I'm there. He said that would be cool though, and I think it would be pretty interesting if it ended up working out.

I made mac and cheese today because we had some Gruyere we really needed to get rid of, and I used some smoked Gouda as well in it... Sadly my sense of taste has been severely dulled by being sick, so I could barely taste it. I honestly can barely see the point of eating when I can hardly taste anything. It's awful. I keep eating because it's so dissatisfying to not taste anything, but obviously that doesn't help... ugh...

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Slow recovery
Thursday, March 17, 2016
I'm still sick... Slowly getting better, but it's taking awhile... I don't think it's bronchitis, at least. I get tired so easily now. I hung out with Alex for a couple hours for our Terrible TV Thursday, but that was about all I could handle. It's difficult to talk for an extended period of time because the congestion seems to build, and then I can't breathe.

The latest episode of The Magicians got really dark... And then it cut off at this horrible huge cliffhanger moment. Gotta wait until next week to find out what happens... I wish I hadn't been totally exhausted while watching. It's strange; the show started off really dumb and cheesy, but it's been getting darker, I feel. It still has some super silly moments (like one of the characters responding to some creepy stuff in a haunted house by going "WE GET IT, THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED"), but yeah, it doesn't feel quite as cheesy as before. There was less to make fun of in this episode than usual, and mostly we were just going "wtfffffffffff"...

Um... so something good... This webcomic I used to really like, Blip, started updating again. It hasn't updated since 2012, and nobody knew what happened to the creator. There was some talk about some kind of accident, and people were speculating that the creator had died. The original site that hosted the comics went down, but people saved all of them, and someone set up a mirror. It's really amazing how loyal the fans were/are. Anyway, I kept the link to the site bookmarked, and was checking it every now and then for the past few years just to see if anything was happening, and both sites I had bookmarked (one on Rampage Network and another one) were gone. I knew there was a mirror, so I Googled for the comic, and found out from the Facebook that it was updating again. At this point I really thought the creator was just dead or something, so it was a huge surprise. I read through the whole archive today to catch up, and it's really cool that it's finally updating. Seems like the creator isn't going to say what happened, exactly, to cause the disappearance, but... well, at least he/she is back.

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What are friends for?
Monday, March 14, 2016
[12:20:58 AM] Me: Ugh, this isn't the sickest I've ever been, but it still feels like crap
[12:21:26 AM] Noah: sorry mija
[12:21:40 AM] Noah: get well soon <3
[12:21:57 AM] Me: If I die, I'm going to request they use this for my funeral
[12:22:11 AM] Noah: dude
[12:22:12 AM] Noah: lol
[12:22:17 AM] Noah: damn thatss hilarious
[12:22:26 AM] Noah: the FUNeral
[12:22:34 AM] Me: I legit want one of those things
[12:22:43 AM] Me: Everything else will be 100% serious and then I'll have that.
[12:23:00 AM] Noah: lol now that's a funeral I would attend
[12:23:15 AM] Me: I'll make sure you're on the guest list.
[12:23:25 AM] Noah: thank u friend
[12:23:40 AM] Noah: I would crash it anyway

A bit down today, but this cheered me up a little, so I thought I'd post it.

I am still pretty sick and had to miss the gym again today. :\ On the bright side, Hatoful Boyfriend: Holiday Star is on sale on Steam, so I picked up the Dove Actually extended version of the game for only $7.49.

Feel like I should have played Portal for the context of this, but it was on Gifsound and I enjoyed it, so here:

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