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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Sharp teeth test your skin
too late, you let an angel in
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

“The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita






TICoSME
Musicalities!
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
IRC reflections
Saturday, September 12, 2015
The IRC channel I go to has like... a lot of people with issues. I PM some of them sometimes or offer to listen if anybody needs to talk, so now I sort of have a reputation for being a nice person/caring etc.

Last night this one guy was feeling pretty down, saying he wasn't a nice person, that there wasn't much good about him at all. I asked why he thought he wasn't a nice person, and he said that he had bullied someone years ago and regrets it all the time. Usually I try not to share my personal experience too much when I'm asking someone about their problems (don't want to redirect the focus onto myself), but I mentioned that I had bullied people in the past, and while it was something I regret, I try to be a better person now and make up for my mistakes. Some of the people in the chat had a hard time believing that I had been... a different person in the past, but one person said they could see it, because there's a "fire" that shows up in me occasionally. I feel like I have the capacity to be a really horrible person, and I could do terrible things to people, but I'm always trying to avoid being that way. Maybe that's part of why doing drugs and drinking don't appeal to me. I don't really like the idea of purposely lowering my inhibitions for fun, because I worry sometimes that I would end up doing something bad.

I haven't gotten the impression that many other people think about this kind of thing much. Or at least, nobody's told me that they think about their capacity for evil on any sort of regular basis. I wonder if anything would be different if people did.

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Connecting
Friday, September 11, 2015
Thinking about some basic beliefs I have about people and connections.

This xkcd comic (I Could Care Less) got me thinking about it.

I feel like connection is something you have to work to achieve, and it will never be consistent or constant. The sixth panel of the comic resonated with me a lot. There are no certainties with language, with connection. There's no way to know that what you mean is what is being received by the other person. Sometimes it seems like a horrendously overwhelming task to even try to establish something like a connection. It feels like trying to fire an arrow into space and hoping you hit a planet with life on it. Still.... there's that need for connection, so there's nothing to do but keep firing arrows, I guess.

To some extent I have a tendency to try to get people to adhere to strict, dictionary definitions of words, to reduce ambiguity and uncertainty, but that's kind of an inflexible policy and I should probably get rid of it. It's hard though, because people come from all different circles and they approach language and the words they use with certain assumptions that you don't necessarily share or become aware of until after some time. That doesn't have to be horrible in itself, but it gets frustrating when the other person reacts negatively to you not sharing the same assumptions as them when you communicate. I don't even mean things like worldviews or actual opinions on things, just connotations of words and the like. I feel like it's unrealistic to expect that people will actually understand you with more than like... I don't know, maybe 60-70% accuracy if you haven't known each other for a long time or come from similar backgrounds. And you can't trust your instincts on this... Just because you "feel" like they understand doesn't mean they do... It's the whole Chinese Room thing I guess.

For all we know, maybe nobody ever actually understands anybody else and we're all living in subjective realities that are wildly different from each other, but we think we have things in common because of these symbols we've assigned to them. Maybe an orange in your world is an apple in mine, but we'll never know that because we have no reason to question why we're both calling the object in question a banana. Does that even make sense? I'm not totally sure, to be honest. It's like 2:30 AM and I'm kind of out of it.

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New books and some other thoughts [4P]
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
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Stardust [4P]
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
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Social exhaustion
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Sunday I got dinner with a friend and spent the rest of the night talking to him, until sometime after 1 AM. That... was probably not a very practical decision, since I had plans to go to the Boardwalk at 8 AM for Labor Day. It was nice, though, just talking. I told a bunch of stories about my client, and he laughed a lot.

I ended up getting like... maybe four hours of sleep, at best, before I had to get up to get ready to leave. Other friends came over in the morning and we drove to Santa Cruz, then spent a few hours on the beach there and wandered around the Boardwalk a little. Becka wasn't feeling well, unfortunately. She's been having issues with fainting, and we don't know why. I really hope it's nothing serious. I briefly imagined her having something life threatening and dying, which was terrible to think about. I'm sure it's nothing that awful, though... She's gotten some test results back, but still needs to talk to a cardiologist, so with any luck, they'll figure it out very soon.

After coming home from the Boardwalk I pretty much just passed out and slept for a few hours. Ended up Skyping my friend for almost four hours, which... I think might be the longest Skype call I've ever had? I didn't expect to videochat for that long, because it just started because he suggested that we listen to some audio of my client together, but then it like... went on for quite awhile. For some reason we started talking about guys we thought were attractive, and he sent me some different pictures of his male celebrity crushes. I had a hard time finding pictures of any guys I find attractive. The best I could really do was send him some videos... I think he was a bit weirded out by the video of Wes Bentley singing along to "Blue Christmas" in P2, haha. He also thought the people I showed him looked kind of scary. That's not... totally unreasonable, I guess. It's hard for me to find people physically attractive, but the few examples I showed him all had kind of intense eyes, so they do look a bit intimidating. Maybe it's that sort of intensity/intimidating quality that makes them attractive to me, though. Like it creates a tension that makes things exciting...

Anyway, I'm really tired from all the socializing. I feel so drained. I was just thinking the other day that I don't seem to get drained by socializing very much anymore, but maybe I was wrong. Or maybe it's that I haven't been sleeping or eating very much. That seems... like a possibility. Monday, I only ate a small muffin Becka made, a few pieces of fried zucchini, a few garlic fries, most of an Italian ice, a chunk of watermelon, the beans from half a leftover salad, and like... some crackers. It's been hard for me to eat much recently. At least nobody is harassing me about it...

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Flea market buys [2P]
Saturday, September 5, 2015
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TPOF [4P]
Friday, September 4, 2015
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Old songs, same issues
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
I hated Fall Out Boy in high school, but I guess they've become more tolerable to me since then. This came on the radio and I felt sort of nostalgic.

"Dance, Dance" by Fall Out Boy:

Tonight it's "It can't get much worse"
vs. "No one should ever feel like..."

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds


There is a calmness in my head and a tension in my chest. But things feel clear. So I'm not sure what's happening. I figure... if I was dissociating again, things should feel hazy, but they don't. If I'm not depersonalized/derealized though, it seems like whatever I'm feeling should be more apparent to me. The tension sort of feels like a heavy weight pressing into me, as if a big dog was sitting on my chest.

The other night I was talking to someone from the chatroom, and he told me that there were times he really wanted to just screw up everything he had. I could somewhat relate. I feel like I'm almost constantly fighting off the urge to do something bad and ruin my whole life. I don't know why that urge is there in the first place, considering how much work I often put into not destroying my life. Maybe I get tired of fighting my negative impulses sometimes and wish I could give in to them. In a way though, I guess my ability to resist the urges is one of my greatest strengths. Although maybe it just developed because there are so many urges in the first place... and I would likely be dead if I wasn't resisting them...

Even though this song is kind of annoying to listen to more than once in awhile, sometimes it hits me really hard when it comes on the radio.

"Self Esteem" by The Offspring.

Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care
Right? Yeah


I wish I didn't relate to that as much as I do.

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