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Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bug
Buttersafe
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
DUBBLEBABY
Eat That Toast!
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Owen's Uncles
Phuzzy Comics
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scary Go Round
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Broodhollow
Bullfinch
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Chainsawsuit
Conspiracy Friends!
Daisy is Dead
Distillum
Dream Life
Dumm Comics
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
Intragalactic
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
Moon Town
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream
Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Fogeys
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Mirror
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Some pictures from New York 3
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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Email from my uncle
Thursday, August 15, 2013
My uncle mentioned that he had a CD of some music that a DJ had given him, and I was curious so I asked him about it and he said he could link me. This is the email he sent:

Hi [RJ],

Here's some of Alex's work:

http://search.yahoo.com/search?ei=utf-8&fr=ytff1-msgr&p=jamaster%20a%20youtube&type=

His most famous work is "Bells of Tienaman" which you might find on YouTube.

He specializes in "Trans" music played at clubs. In Asia, I think a lot of people take drugs and dance to this kind of music, even though drug dealing may be punishable by death in those parts.

Uncle ____

---

I don't know if he was told the music was called "Trans" or if he misheard "trance" but I'm fairly certain it's the latter.

---

I saw my boyfriend last night for the first time since I've been back. We went to see Elysium at the nearby AMC. It was... okay. Afterward you start noticing tons of plot holes, but I guess that's just most movies these days.

When the movie was done and we were at his apartment I asked him a bunch of hypothetical questions, like I used to do back in high school. We got onto the subject of what he would do if he had control over other people's hair (growing it, making it fall off) and talked about hilarious ways to use that power for revenge.

For instance, making someone think they're going bald, or dropping off one of their eyebrows one day and then making it regrow overnight but dropping the other one off, or making one of their nose hairs suddenly grow twenty feet long.

It was a fun conversation, and I think hair manipulation would be a terrible but very funny super power.

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Updates from Hawaii
Friday, August 9, 2013
I feel like it's harder to write entries about Hawaii when I can't show the pictures that would go with them. Gotta wait until I get home to transfer my pictures over from my camera...

Umm, I've gotten into another situation where someone is very emotionally dependent on me. I'm hopeful that nothing really bad happens. I think this makes the third time something like this has happened. Or well... third person at least. I dunno.

We went to the beach on Monday and there were a couple ducks hanging out there, in the midst of all the people. They were sand colored. I was tearing off bits of bread to feed them, but then one of the ducks jumped up and grabbed the whole piece and ran away with it. I caught a video of it happening... But... obviously I can't post it here yet. >_>

I keep having sorta nightmarish dreams. I don't know how to describe them exactly. Like... I feel fear in the dream, and I'm anxious and stuff... but the whole dream isn't like that. I usually think of nightmares as being dreams where the whole thing is scary. I guess a better way to put it is that I keep having dreams in which I feel very...tense.

Oh! I got some new shoes. Mostly I'm not that into shoes. I mean, I don't buy them that often, and I don't have that many pairs... (Pairs that I use, at least). BUT I was at the mall and I saw them in the window of a store and I was like "oh my god, I want those."

Here's a picture of them from the Blowfish Shoes site:


They didn't have size 6.5 at the store, but it worked out okay, because I guess a size 7 fits me fine if I'm wearing socks. So, yay for that.

...I have a slipper tan on my feet. Also a shorts tan. Less of a t-shirt tan than before at least, though.

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I wish I had kids
Monday, August 5, 2013
...So I could go to Chuck E. Cheese and not feel like I'm too old to be there.

Alas.

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Some pictures from New York 2 [2P]
Thursday, August 1, 2013
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No One Does It Like You
Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I've been listening to "No One Does It Like You" by Department of Eagles and "The Sound" by Human Highway a lot in the car.


My dad told me about how my parents and my uncle went to church and there was a three year old kid running around punching people in the crotch during prayer.

"That little shit... punched me in the dick" my dad muttered, shaking his head. But he did look amused.

My mom talked about how if the kid tried to punch her in the crotch she was planning to slap him very hard.

My uncle said he thought that the kid was just brushing against that area by accident... "Until I felt something touch my balls."

Family time!

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The digital future [2P]
Monday, July 29, 2013
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Restraint
Sunday, July 28, 2013
At some point I think I finally internalized the idea that life is truly meaningless, after struggling with it for so long, and it didn't seem like such a bad thing anymore. It seemed like a great thing, actually. It felt like a huge moment of clarity. It felt freeing. It was a relief. It was peace.

But then problems started coming up. Not... internally, not that, really. But with other people.

Often when people talk to me now I find myself holding back from telling them that life is meaningless and none of it matters anyway. And this is a bad thing and it's a good thing and it's a neutral thing. When people tell me bad things I want to tell them that they don't need to worry about their problems because none of it really makes a difference in the grand scheme of things, like they'll feel better if they realize life is meaningless.

And when people tell me good things sometimes I want to say that those things also don't matter for the same reasons.

I don't want to be a buzzkill and rain on people's parades. I don't want to trivialize their problems. This attitude... it's almost like I want to "share the good news" in a way.

I'm not sure if I'm deluded or depressed or what's going on with me. I was going to write this entry about how I think these things sometimes, and then I paused and wondered why I have this urge to talk to people that way, and I thought that it must be because I've internalized the idea of life being meaningless.

And... I feel good about that. It wipes away all of the existential stress I had before and I feel like I don't have to always be trying to find out what things mean or why things happen.

But at the same time I feel like I'm becoming a bland person and I don't know if that's related to this or if it's a side effect of depression or if I don't have a lot going on in my life or what.

I still think about when I was 17 and I felt like I had so many thoughts that it was too much to bear, so I wrote as much as I could out to drain my mind. It really feels like I exhausted my supply of thoughts in a weird way, so now all I ever get is a trickle. Like my mind is a reservoir and it flooded the dams once and there's been a drought ever since it emptied itself...

Despite everything else it seems like the idea of having these things in limited quantities is a superstition that just won't leave me.

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