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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Sharp teeth test your skin
too late, you let an angel in
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road.
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita






TICoSME
Musicalities!
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
I need to stop going to bed at 3 AM
Monday, June 13, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 2 hours.

Mat Pilates and Cycle Fusion today. I didn't feel like going to CSI.

I felt... really quite happy for the majority of today. Stayed up until almost 5 AM because of a ~3 hour long videochat, and then woke up roughly five hours later and started talking to the same person again until I had to leave for an appointment. >.>

Also mailed out a package to J, so I'm glad I finally got that done. ^__^ But of course... now that it's been sent, I have all these intrusive thoughts bothering me, like "What if I wrote the wrong address???" and "What if it gets damaged in the mail and it shows up looking like a total wreck???" Thanks so much brain.

I am very seriously contemplating disabling my OKC, but it won't let me log in on the desktop site right now because of "technical difficulties"... But yeah... I just don't feel interested in meeting any more people at the moment.

[12:57:04 AM] J: so uh, yeah
[12:57:06 AM] J: thanks for like
[12:57:07 AM] J: being
[12:57:11 AM] J: :P
[12:57:16 AM] Me: Hahah
[12:57:22 AM] Me: Thank you for being too. ^_^

At the moment I feel... mmm... overwhelmed with gratitude, I guess. Just this deep, intense gratitude that such a person could exist, and that we met, and that we're friends. It's almost a painful level of appreciation, and I feel it in my chest. My heart feels like... well, the closest thing I can think of is how your stomach feels when you've barely eaten in days and you finally have a real meal, but you eat it all and it hurts because your body became accustomed to so much less.

And there's also this feeling of immense relief, mingled with some amount of disbelief. It almost feels too good to be true. I'm so used to dead ends and disappointments, and I was starting to convince myself that I'd never meet the kind of person I was hoping for. Telling myself I was longing for something that didn't exist.

It's only been a bit more than a month so far, and I don't know what will happen in the future, but for now at least I just want to savor this feeling.

[1:02:29 AM] Me: I kinda want to say stuff again about how much I like our friendship but I think I would just be repeating myself, haha, so I'll just say goodnight for now. >.<
[1:02:40 AM] J: yeah don't run it dry, man
[1:02:44 AM] J: xD jkjk
[1:03:47 AM] J: i could have said it every night we've talked :) but yeah i won't repeat either :P good night!!!

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Another little update
Saturday, June 11, 2016
I booked my flight down to southern California.

:D

Also I had lunch with Varsha today and it was great! We caught up on some things (apparently there was a five year high school reunion that nobody told me about) and I told her some of the uhhhh more interesting experiences I've had meeting people.

140 second plank today.

---Edit---

Nothing makes you feel old like talking to a teenager.

[01:45:10] [Kid] i managed to go two weeks with no internet can you believe that
[01:45:15] [Kid] at age 13
[01:45:18] [Kid] :P
[01:45:36] [Me] I think I still had dialup when I was 13, haha.
[01:45:48] [Me] So I wasn't allowed on the computer for more than 45 minutes at a time.
[01:46:03] [Kid] well 13 is only 3 years ago for me haha
[01:46:06] [Me] Yeah
[01:46:17] [Me] Was close to twelve years ago for me.
[01:46:22] [Kid] holy
[01:46:53] [Kid] 12 years ago i was just about to start kindergarten
[01:46:57] [Kid] hahaha
[01:47:07] [Me] Well, I'm 8/9 years older than you, so, yeah.
[01:47:41] [Kid] :P
[01:48:20] [Me] Used to be that I could only really go on the internet during the summer when we visited my uncle's house, because he had DSL.
[01:48:46] [Kid] thats so weird
[01:48:59] [Kid] i guess the internet has just become like
[01:49:02] [Kid] molded to em
[01:49:03] [Kid] me
[01:49:11] [Kid] its like a part of who i am
[01:49:18] [Me] I think it's hard to imagine life without it if it's been so omnipresent in your life.
[01:49:25] [Kid] yea exactly
[01:49:39] [Kid] jesus christ
[01:49:47] [Kid] i cant imagine
[01:50:04] [Kid] having to walk over to a freinds house
[01:50:12] [Kid] knock on their bedroom window
[01:50:22] [Kid] and then ask if they wanna hang out
[01:50:28] [Me] Well we had phones, you know.
[01:50:28] [Me] XD
[01:50:31] [Kid] and them being like "no"
[01:50:41] [Kid] and then id have to fucking walk all the way hom
[01:50:54] [Kid] while avoiding dinosaurs
[01:50:57] [Kid] lmao

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Just a li'l entry
Thursday, June 9, 2016
No gym today because I hung out with Sean instead, but I did manage to hold a plank for 130 seconds, so that was a thing. Just did it when I was babysitting because the baby was doing her own thing and I didn't really have anything to do.

---

Oh my goodness I am so flustered right now. My face feels like it's on fire.

@________@

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Bandaids are magic!
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 4 hours.

Just Piloxing today.

I had a nightmare last night, and I talked to my therapist about it, and we discussed it possibly being about trust and friends and the lingering threat of depression.

[6/8/2016 10:26:14 PM] J: at dinner, with my whole family and some family friends, my grandma somehow brought you up as my "girlfriend" again
[6/8/2016 10:26:42 PM] J: "well she's your girl and she's a friend, right?" GRANDMA IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT
[6/8/2016 10:27:15 PM] Me: Hahahaha
[A few minutes later...]
[6/8/2016 10:33:05 PM] Me: Oh I think you might have mentioned this before and I forgot
[6/8/2016 10:33:09 PM] J: yeah
[6/8/2016 10:33:27 PM] J: man early onset alzheimer's? talk about having to face your fears.
[6/8/2016 10:33:32 PM] Me: :c
[6/8/2016 10:33:34 PM] J: that sucks bro
[6/8/2016 10:33:40 PM] J: xDDD
[6/8/2016 10:33:41 PM] J: jkjk
[6/8/2016 10:33:45 PM] J: i'm sorry T-T
[6/8/2016 10:33:51 PM] Me: :'c
[6/8/2016 10:34:00 PM] Me: :''''''''''''c
[6/8/2016 10:34:09 PM] J: I'M SORRY
[6/8/2016 10:34:11 PM] Me: Look at all these apostrophe tears you made me cry
[6/8/2016 10:34:11 PM] J: I DIDN'T MEAN IT
[6/8/2016 10:34:19 PM] J: WOW SO MANY
[6/8/2016 10:34:35 PM] J: i uh
[6/8/2016 10:34:38 PM] J: *whistles*
[6/8/2016 10:34:44 PM] J: *dog comes, licks your tears up*
[6/8/2016 10:34:48 PM] J: oh wait you don't like dogs either
[6/8/2016 10:34:48 PM] Me: Ewwwww no
[6/8/2016 10:34:49 PM] J: shit
[6/8/2016 10:34:51 PM] J: oops
[6/8/2016 10:34:52 PM] Me: Nooooooo
[6/8/2016 10:34:54 PM] J: mb again
[6/8/2016 10:35:01 PM] J: i just can't do anything right
[6/8/2016 10:35:02 PM] J: T-T
[6/8/2016 10:35:20 PM] Me: I don't want to be your girlfriend in your grandma's imagination anymore D':
[6/8/2016 10:35:37 PM] Me: Can't take this abuse
[6/8/2016 10:35:41 PM] J: AWWWW somehow that was slightly painful
[6/8/2016 10:35:46 PM] J: x'(
[6/8/2016 10:35:52 PM] Me: Hahaha
[6/8/2016 10:35:57 PM] *** Muffin Extraordinaire pats you on the head ***
[6/8/2016 10:36:21 PM] *** J *whimpers* ***
[6/8/2016 10:36:21 PM] J: pls no
[6/8/2016 10:36:27 PM] J: come back to my grandma's imagination
[6/8/2016 10:36:29 PM] J: i didn't mean it
[6/8/2016 10:36:31 PM] J: i'm sorry
[6/8/2016 10:36:47 PM] *** Muffin Extraordinaire puts a bandaid on your grandma's imagination ***
[6/8/2016 10:36:50 PM] Me: That's the best I can do
[6/8/2016 10:37:29 PM] J: damn dude just ignoring my grandma's imagination's feelings, how savage
[6/8/2016 10:37:35 PM] J: grandma's imagination's feelings doesn't want to be healed
[6/8/2016 10:37:37 PM] Me: I PUT A BANDAID ON IT
[6/8/2016 10:37:38 PM] J: it just wants you back
[6/8/2016 10:37:42 PM] Me: BANDAIDS HEAL EVERYTHING

I'm feeling really happy right now. ^u^ It's almost 3 AM and that's an unusual time for me to feel this way, but it's nice! My friend J has quickly ascended the ranks and become one of my favorite people to talk to. :3

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Impromptu movie night
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
So I saw The Lobster tonight with Esther and it was awesome. I mean, that's not really the right word to describe it, because it was this sort of quiet but deep enjoyable experience, not like an "AW YEAH THIS IS AWESOME!!!" exciting thing, but yeah. Esther had a WTF expression on her face for most of the film, because she's not at all used to surreal films, but I liked it a lot. We talked about it afterwards and she said she felt like it helped that I was there, because she understood it better, haha. She also said that she didn't think she would have liked it much before she met me, because apparently I have introduced weird and quirky things into her life or something. XD

The movie was kind of like a very exaggerated metaphor for mm... human relations and expectations and loneliness and love/companionship. I didn't think it felt too heavy-handed though. Would watch it again.

I voted today, and went to the doctor (the nurse I had was Indian and kept asking if I wanted a Tdap shot, but I couldn't understand her, and then someone else came in to give it to me and said it was a tetanus shot, but she said "I'm going to give you a tetanus injection"). I also... babysat. But I didn't go to the gym because I was too tired. :( Took a nap instead... but... maybe it's okay... because my lower body was kinda sore from yesterday. My arm also hurts a bit from the shot. :S

Esther and I are going to go hiking on Sunday! I said I would lend her my Adulting book too, because she asked what I'd been reading lately and that was one of the nonfiction ones. Hoping to hang out a few more times before I leave. Gotta make plans with everyone...

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Nothing of consequence
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 3 hours.

Mat Pilates, Cycle Fusion, CSI today. I felt so sleepy through all three. In CSI she had us do three rounds of the same set of exercises (50 squats, 20 push ups, 30 jump lunges, 20 lateral raises, 50 mountain climbers, 15 burpees), and even though I went pretty much as fast as I could through them, it didn't help with the sleepiness. Not sure what was going on.

Gonna go vote tomorrow, among other things. Doctor appointment, babysitting, hospice visit, gym... Phew. I hope I don't get too tired.

The CSI instructor plays this song a lot and I like it, but it also kind of makes me laugh.

"Another Night" by Real McCoy.

I think it's so funny to me because of the guy's voice. I mean, I like deep voices, but a super serious deep voice in a song like this is just... so silly. Was this just a popular thing in the 90s? Aqua has it going on too (although I think the members of Aqua don't take themselves seriously, whereas it feels like the singers in Real McCoy do).

Okay, so, I didn't tell Gwenny, but for writing group, I kinda cheated and didn't write something new for the meeting (this is separate from the poem I wrote during the meeting; we're supposed to write between meetings and then share). I ended up just using something I'd already written. >.> It fit the prompt though, and she liked it. Still, it was sort of scary, because it was a very personal piece, and nobody else has seen it before. Really wasn't expecting her to react so positively to it. I guess that's good, though... Maybe it's okay to share some of the personal stuff once in awhile. <_<

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Some Youtube stuffs
Sunday, June 5, 2016
So Youtube recommended this video to me...

"i'm not like other girls"


I definitely related to a lot of parts of it, both in the past and in the present as well (to an extent). When I was eight, my best friend decided we should be tomboys, and that was when I started thinking "girly" things were stupid. I don't think I've ever wished to be male, but I've had a longstanding internal sense that stereotypically feminine things are somehow... inherently inferior to masculine things. That's been decreasing a lot in recent years as I've been embracing femininity more, though. Still, I notice it cropping up in small ways. For example, when I write a character, I almost always default to male, because it feels like male is neutral, and a female character can't just be a person. Like there needs to be some specific reason for a character to be female... (I guess I also feel like people will think a female character is supposed to be some kind of representation of myself, though, and male characters just feel safely detached from me)

But yeah... this is something I've been realizing at different points over the past few years, and I want to move away from this internalized notion that femininity is inferior to masculinity. I used to try to be "better" by adopting more masculine attitudes and behaviors, but that's... yeah, that's not the right way to do it.

In other news, Varsha forgot we were having lunch today. I got to the restaurant and waited for half an hour, but she didn't show, or reply to the text or voicemail I left her. A few hours later she responded and was extremely apologetic, saying that she was helping a friend in San Francisco move and hadn't checked her phone. We've rescheduled for next Saturday... so maybe the third time is the charm. Also meeting SL to go hiking on Saturday (Suggested 10 AM, so I won't have that much time to hike before I have to leave to meet Varsha at 12:30, whoops).

---

I can't remember if I've shared this here before, but my friend was telling me about his grandma and grandpa and it reminded me of this clip from What Dreams May Come.


I always feel so sad when he says "I just wanted us to be old together." Hits so deep in the feels. >_< It's hard enough to find someone you want to spend your life with, and the thought of getting to that point and having them taken away from you... agh. :C Even though I know research shows us that we tend to think things will make us happier or sadder than they really will, I can't imagine losing someone that close to you being anything less than terrible.

...On a less depressing note, we got more watermelon, and I pureed like... 3/8 of it and added some lime/lemon juice and ground ginger and put it in the freezer and it's gonna be amazing. *__* I poured some of it into popsicle molds and am making more of a granita-type thing with the rest.

Also, tonight I learned that centipedes are terrifying, but I'm not afraid of millipedes.

And here's something I'm just linking because I might want to remember it later:

The Sneetches

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I wrote a poem
Saturday, June 4, 2016
I remember when this was my favorite band. (And I still have their logo as my icon on here!)

"Black Liner Run" by She Wants Revenge.

She never leaves her home but shes real sweet
Got her own style, leaves the windows real wide
Crosses her fingers after so many years
Mascara runs through the tracks of her tears

Run run run would you wear that black liner baby
(Still its nice to wish)
Run run run would you wear that black liner baby
(If he understands)
Run run run would you wear that black liner baby
(This could never be)
Run run run would you wear that black liner baby
(Still hes making plans)


I'm sure there must be a lot more songs about online interactions, but I think this is the only one I know...

---

My dad got a take 'n bake cheese pizza from Safeway because they're only $5 on Fridays, so I threw some stuff we had in the fridge on it and popped it in the oven today. >_< I was like "well... pine nuts... garlic... olives... smoked salmon... those could... be okay together..." Trying to use up food we have before we go to Hawaii. Trying it now, and I'm not too impressed with the pine nuts.

---

I had writing group today and wrote the beef jerky face poem during our writing exercise portion.

Tears wash down my beef jerky face
Because you're not in my beef jerky embrace
Why do I even have beef jerky limbs
If they can't carry out my beef jerky whims?
At night, my beef jerky mind plagues me with reams
Of visions of you in my beef jerky dreams
How my beef jerky soul is besotted with you!
But I know my beef jerky hopes cannot come true
My beef jerky heart is heavy with sorrow
And I long for a better beef jerky tomorrow
Where my beef jerky hands are clasped around yours
And joy is extruded from my beef jerky pores
Yet I know, in my beef jerky heart, it can't work-y
For while I am beef, you are turkey jerky

---

Here are some pictures from yesterday

A tiropita I got at the Greek festival.


Loukoumades... This was the small size, but I couldn't even finish half of it. >_>


The loukoumades were super sweet, but then I decided to get pomegranate sorbet as well, because for some reason I had a super sweet tooth yesterday. There was a tunnel in the middle of it, but it was so good. @_@

My dad likes to say that when you get cravings, it means your body is telling you that you need something. I don't think my body needs diabetes though, so I don't know what this was all about.

I also got a mocktail (oh wait, two mocktails) at the Art Boutiki after the Greek festival. So good. @_@

I feel like I had an obscene amount of sugar yesterday...

Friends! The magic show started a lot later than we were expecting, but we got some time to just hang out, so that was nice.


Um. Hm. My rescheduled lunch with Varsha is supposed to be tomorrow, so uhhh maybe I'll have something to say about that.

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