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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Time after time, I'll start to forget
as long as I know it's as good as it gets
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

“The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita






TICoSME
Musicalities!
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Busy days
Friday, January 29, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 10.5 hours.

So I had babywork this morning, but it was super easy because we only had three babies to watch in my room, and three kids between two people is pretty manageable for only two and a half hours.

Went home, ate, napped, drove to a Thai restaurant for my friend Gwenny's birthday. Thai food is among my least favorite cuisines ever, so I was pretty much just going for her... But the dish I got wasn't terrible. If I was forced to go to a Thai restaurant I'd probably get it again if it was offered.

Drove home, quickly changed, went to the gym! Kind of a light day today. I felt tired kind of easily, so maybe I'm not fully recovered from donating blood. Only ran a mile (8 minute mile pace) and walked one (4mph, with various inclines), then went on the Stairmaster and set a target goal of 350 calories (so about half an hour). Ended up using the rails on the Stairmaster because I just felt tired... So... yeah... A very low effort day.

My friend Esther invited me to go to a billiard hall, so I went there after the gym and met her friend. I don't play pool, so mostly I just watched and chatted with Esther and her friend.

Yesterday I hung out with Esther too, in the evening. We got ice cream with the Pint for a Pint Baskin Robbins coupons I had from donating blood, then watched an episode of How We Got to Now in her room. She has a very cute budgie who ran around on the bed with us while we were sitting there.

I'm excited for tomorrow! Going up to San Francisco to meet up with this dude I've been online friends with for a few years, for his birthday. It's at a foodtruck park! And of course, since I get stupidly excited about foodtrucks, I am buzzing with anticipation.

---

It's funny, you know, I feel like I write about my day-to-day life on here a lot more these days, but I think I'm still leaving a lot out. Or well, not a lot in terms of quantity, but some significant things? Sometimes I mention them briefly, but without much detail. I guess it's hard to write about those things.

"It Can't Come Quickly Enough" by Scissor Sisters.

It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated

Skyscrapers rise between us
Keeping me from finding you
If the concrete architecture
Disappeared there'd be so few
Of us left to navigate and
Defend ourselves from the tide
It's an underground illusion
Tricking you from side to side

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Fake eggs [4P]
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Guilt/frustration/gym/friendship
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 8 hours.

I really liked the way that Diesel Sweeties described the difference between friends and best friends in this comic.

I need to babysit soon, so I can't write much yet, but I wanted to start this entry because I was reading about ontological guilt in The Discovery of Being and I found it interesting.

May talks about the three different types of ontological guilt:
1. Guilt from "forfeiting one's own potentialities."
2. "...Guilt against one's fellows, arising from the fact that since each of us is an individual, each necessarily perceives his fellow man through his own limited and biased eyes. This means that he always to some extent does violence to the true picture of his fellow man and always to some extent fails fully to understand and meet the other's needs. This is not a question of moral failure or slackness-- though it can indeed be greatly increased by lack of moral sensitivity. It is an inescapable result of the fact that each of us is a separate individuality and has no choice but to look at the world through his own eyes."
3. "'Separation guilt' in relation to nature as a whole."

I feel like the first type is pretty familiar to most people. They know they could do more with their lives, but they don't, and they make up a lot of excuses to cover that up. They say "I can't" when it's really "I won't" and then they accuse you of being insensitive if you try to talk about how they have more control than they want to accept. People don't like to be blamed for the things that go wrong in their lives. Of course they don't. But I think we often go overboard in our attempts to make people comfortable, and people end up existing in these... sort of cocoons of illusion. They see all these limitations on themselves that don't necessarily exist outside of their minds, and they treat them like concrete realities. I have been imagining it this way:

A person sits inside a closed cardboard box. They complain that the box is small and cramped and it's uncomfortable in there. From outside, another person says "Why don't you just stretch out? You don't have to stay in the box. I think you are stronger than it and can break it open if you want to." The person inside the box doesn't see the box as cardboard, because it's dark in there. They feel the walls and say "No, it feels very solid, I think I'm trapped in here. I can't get out. You don't understand."

And then both people end up frustrated. Obviously in my example, the person on the outside is clearly right, and it's not always that way in real life, but it ends up feeling that way to me a lot. The box may be fairly thick and not super easy to break, and maybe the person doesn't know how to use full force because they've spent so long curled up in there, but still, in the end, I think they can get out of the box with enough effort. Maybe not on the first try, maybe not on the fiftieth try, but it is possible.

I remember seeing mental limitations as very concrete before. I think my experiences at St. John's put some cracks in that, though. It was stressful to realize how unlimited things really were, and it's taken me a few years (six years??) to adjust to the new perspective, but things just... feel better. And I feel like I'm fulfilling more of my potential and I don't have as hard a time interacting with people and life and just... yeah. More responsibility, more risk, but more reward.

Song I've been listening to lately to wrap things up:

"Intruder/(Oh) Pretty Woman" by Van Halen.

(Been listening to more classic rock lately because of the radio)

---Edit---

Did Bootcamp tonight, then ran 2.5 miles (8 minute mile pace with a level 1 incline) and walked almost three miles (~4mph, with various inclines). I felt really tired during Bootcamp and struggled to do all the exercises, so I ran/walked afterwards so today would be more productive. Treadmill said I burned 500 calories. Will take that as 400.

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Longish dayish thing
Monday, January 25, 2016
Gym time today: 3.5 hours.
Total this week: 6 hours.

Today was long. I went to visit a hospice patient, and ended up just chatting with her while she sat on a commode... She wanted me to stand there to make sure nobody would come and make her sit outside her room... And then she spent the better part of an hour putting lotion on while she sat there... I was glad to be able to provide her with some company (She said several times that she was very grateful that I was there and she wished I could visit every day), but I felt a little awkward about it. I felt like I was invading her privacy, but I guess she didn't care...

Didn't have much time between that and my babysitting gig today, so I quickly got a few snacky things from an Indian grocery store (paneer pakora and aloo tikki, yum yum) and ate those around 11:30ish.

Babysat for three hours. This was the third time I've sorta babysat this particular kid, and it went better this time, I guess. It pays much better than my other babysitting gig, but I'm much more fond of the other kid. The mother of the kid I babysat today has a very... permissive parenting style, so the kid doesn't clean up after herself and doesn't really take "no" for an answer...

Went home... found out my mom bought raspberries... ate a bunch of raspberries and drank some water. I was super tired and I thought it might be because I was dehydrated (I hadn't had anything to drink until then, so, like, within the 6+ hours I'd been awake).

Waited around, answered a message or two on OKC.

Hit the gym! (Of course)

Pilates, CSI, and Total Dance today. I also ran two miles (8 minute mile pace) and walked half a mile between Pilates and CSI because there was a half hour break. I guess I probably could have run longer, but it was not very appealing to do so. I contemplated going on the Stairmaster for half an hour after Total Dance, because I felt kind of bad about eating a whole pizza and chocolate cake and stuff yesterday, but I didn't end up doing it... Thought it would be better to take it easy since Bootcamp is tomorrow.

It's strange that I sort of look forward to Bootcamp because it's one of the only classes that feels like real exercise. Even though I don't have real fitness goals or anything, I like doing hard classes because it makes me feel like I'm being productive. Sometimes in like, Pilates and dance classes, I'm like "What are we even doing? This is just like, waving our arms around, and it's not even hard" and then I feel like I should run and/or do the Stairmaster to make up for it.

---

Lately this guy I've been online friends with for a few years has been casually inviting me to different activities, and I'd like to take him up on one of those offers, I think. He is a very interesting dude! We don't talk super often, but I can't think of a boring conversation I've had with him. More surprising to me is that he thinks I contribute more to our friendship than he does. I feel like when we talk he always has some cool new thing to tell me about, and all I do is talk about the dumb guys I interact with. I guess he thinks that's an interesting thing, though. :S Unfortunately he lives in San Francisco, so it's sort of troublesome for me to visit (he's not near the train station from what I can recall), which is why we haven't met up in the several years we've been talking. Maybe soon, though?

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New week
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 2.5 hours.

Starting over for the week. Did spin class, ran a mile (8:06 minute mile pace), walked a mile, did Bosu Blast.

I might stop working with my client soon. I'm getting really tired of him and it doesn't pay enough to make me feel like it's worth it anymore. He tried to offer me more money, but I don't know. I just really don't like him.

Right now I'm at the crisis line, and I'm getting dinner with a friend after my shift is over. That should be nice...

Oh, and I bought a portable air conditioner from IndieGogo. >_>

---Edit---

I meant to mention this before... I really liked the most recent Monsterkind comic.

284

It has a good message about support... Being there consistently for someone makes a big difference. It's not about always having some insightful thing to say, or fixing anything. It's just about being there, and letting the person know they don't have to face things alone. Being there whether or not they want to talk about it. That consistency means so much.

Also, this Louis CK quote:

New friend mentioned this to me, and I thought it was absolutely perfect.

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Fourteen!
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 14 hours.

Yay! I made it to 14 hours! I did spin class and Body Blast in the morning with my friend, then we stared at parakeets, got bagels, and chatted. Went home, ate a banana, took a nap, went back to the gym, ran a mile (7:30 minute mile pace; I didn't feel like I was dying afterward!), walked two miles, went on the Stairmaster. I think that last hour at the gym probably burned off most (all?) of the breakfast bagel sandwich I had in the morning.

When I got home, I took a shower, and right as I finished, this fly flew into the shower. I smashed it with a bodywash bottle when it got close to me. Then I looked at it and had this thought, like "what if this was a person I knew, and they got turned into a fly, and they were trying to tell me, but I just killed them?"

But well, they really shouldn't have been peeping on me in the shower in that scenario, so I don't feel much regret.

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Something something gym update
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Gym time today: 3.5 hours.
Total this week: 11 hours.

Three classes (Bosu Blast, Pilates, Turbo Kick) today, ran a mile (8:13 minute mile pace again), walked two (one at 4.5mph with a level 4 incline, one at 4.3mph). Body still a bit sore from the past couple days. Gonna take it easy tomorrow, maybe only go for an hour and only run or do Stairmaster? Need to let my legs recover.

I feel like I have made a new friend from OKC, but we'll see how things go. He is also very nice, like that other guy was, but in a way I feel more comfortable with. It's not that the other guy seemed inauthentic, but it felt more... shallowly positive? Like, not the kind of nice you want to pour your heart out to, I guess. I told this new friend a lot of stuff when I was feeling down the other night and it was nice to feel like someone was listening. A few emoticons and words of sympathy can make such a difference.

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SFTST [4P]
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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