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Memores acti prudentes futuri


How you gonna wave hello or goodbye
when your hands are tied?
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

“The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita






TICoSME
Musicalities!
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Reflecting nonsense
Sunday, May 22, 2016
I guess Battered Rose is gone. I didn't even know... It's been awhile since I felt like that much of a fan of Emilie Autumn, though.

Revisiting this song tonight.

"Willow" by Emilie Autumn.

Willow, weep for me
Don't think I don't see
This life I'm living in two
But still it's something I must do
I'm not unique in this
Nor am I special, sweet, or kind
I court a thousand smiles
Yet I keep my own to hide behind

It's cruel I know
At least they tell me so
Well someone lock me up and throw away the key
Because I'm not ashamed, oh no
Oh, willow


I videochatted with Kyle tonight (the first of many such appointments, if things go according to plan), and he described me at one point as a "fantastic person," which felt strange. It was in the context of him saying he thought it was sort of disturbing(?) that such a "fantastic person" might be capable of very dark things. I think I've touched on this in previous entries, though. I make a choice to act the way I do, but that doesn't get rid of darker thoughts and desires. Not saying I'm holding back a wave of evil, I mean, I just feel like the capacity is there.

Was feeling kind of down earlier but for some reason feel better now. It's 1:23 AM though and this is a time for sleeping, not for staying up late. I have a dentist appointment in the morning. >.< Also a hospice visit and three gym classes in the evening...

Okay, I lied, I think I do know why I feel better. I just spent a bunch of time making faces at myself in the mirror. >_> Whatever works, right?

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Fit things, Maker Faire [6P]
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Piggy-induced sidewalk job offers
Thursday, May 19, 2016
I didn't go to the gym today. :( Was sore from yesterday (squats squats squats) and extremely tired to the point of falling asleep briefly while I was babysitting. >_< So... when I got home I just napped before showering and going to hang out with Alex.

When I took the baby out in the stroller (they got a new one and it glides so smoothly, oh my gosh it was amazing *__*), she took her stuffed pig (aka Piggy), but she dropped it at some point and I didn't notice. She started crying and saying "Piggy!" and then I noticed that she didn't have it, so I was about to turn around and try to find it, but this guy ran up to me with it. I thanked him profusely and he asked if my "daughter" and I lived in the area. I said I was babysitting, and he asked if I wanted to retire doing that. I told him I didn't... then he started talking about how he was the director of finances(?) for his company, and he was looking for a few good people... I was very confused, because I've never been solicited for something like that before just on the street, but I told him I was sorry, but that I was moving in a few months. He said no worries, and then went back to... whatever he was doing.

The dude was professionally dressed, white button up and tie and everything, but it still seemed very strange. I couldn't help but wonder if he was trying to get me into some kind of Vector-like scheme and have me doing kitchen knife demonstrations, haha.

Maker Faire is this weekend! Planning to go with my friends, and it should be a blast. :)

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Not much to say today
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 9.5 hours.

Piloxing and something called Pump It today. The second class was like... strength training, I guess? It was sort of easy, or it would have been if my arms weren't already kind of tired from doing other triceps exercises before.

Here's a song I like that the Piloxing instructor plays sometimes.

"Can't Feel The World (The Weeknd X Daft Punk)" by The Hood Internet.


Have kind of been feeling like writing a bit lately. Maybe I'll do that.

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Fingers crossed
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 7.5 hours.

I think I forgot to record the three hours I went yesterday. Today was just Bootcamp and Cycle, with some walking on the treadmill in between. I guess I didn't eat enough today, because I was really tired during/after Bootcamp. Tired like... just didn't have energy, not tired because I was pushing myself. If not for that, I would have run during the break instead of just walking...

Got to talk to my friend again today. ^_^ He was using Starbucks wifi though and it suddenly stopped working, so our conversation got cut short. :( He ended up using data on his phone to send me a message on another platform (we were talking on Skype before), but he had to go because he couldn't afford to keep it on. I thought this was cute:

J: BTW, I still do max-finger-crossing alien hands occasionally for our continued happiness :p hope it's holding up on your end! Talk to you tomorrow!

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More words and things
Monday, May 16, 2016
I've been happy for the past few days, and I think it's the longest I've been consistently happy in quite awhile. I wasn't really sad or angry or anything today, I just felt good.

[5/16/2016 8:14:52 PM] J: Hey, so I hope this isn't too off-putting, but i wanted to share something with you in the spirit of being transparent about how I feel with you.
Last night, after i closed my laptop, I was on my knees on the floor packing my things up, and i just... broke down. Forehead to the floor, crying silently. I couldn't stop thinking, "man oh man, i really like this girl." It lasted a couple minutes, and at first part of me was upset with feeling helplessly subjected to an emotion without being able to push it back, but overall the tears were happy and eventually i just let go and let it ride its course, laying there until i could move again.
Please don't freak out though, i promise it wasn't anything romantic or lustful, there wasn't any fantasizing or imagining, it had nothing to do with the future at all. I just kinda got caught up in an overwhelmingly joyful paralysis over how happy I was that I met someone I really liked, as a person, and I just felt a lot less lonely i guess, and it really impacted me.
So i just wanted to tell you that i'm grateful you exist. Or however you word that without it sounding super corny. But I promise i don't feel differently than I did before the incident, i'm just happier :)
[5/16/2016 8:16:10 PM] Me: Awwww
[5/16/2016 8:16:17 PM] Me: Gosh I don't really know what to say
[5/16/2016 8:16:35 PM] Me: I'm smiling though.
[5/16/2016 8:16:38 PM] J: you don't have to say anything i just don't want you to freak out haha
[5/16/2016 8:16:41 PM] J: al;ksdfja;lskdj
[5/16/2016 8:16:44 PM] Me: Oh, no, I'm not freaked out.
[5/16/2016 8:16:49 PM] Me: I think that's really sweet.
[5/16/2016 8:17:02 PM] J: ok good ^_^ that makes me feel a lot better
[5/16/2016 8:17:21 PM] Me: I just didn't want to lead with "that's really sweet" because that seems like such a like... trivializing way to respond, haha.
[5/16/2016 8:17:59 PM] J: it's okay i wouldn't have judged your response
[5/16/2016 8:18:04 PM] J: i just didn't want like
[5/16/2016 8:18:10 PM] J: your contact info to gray out
[5/16/2016 8:18:12 PM] J: LOL
[5/16/2016 8:18:21 PM] Me: Pfft, don't worry.

I didn't have the words to express it, but I was really touched by what he said. Also amazed that I could have that effect on someone. Or well... maybe it would make more sense to say that I'm amazed someone could react to me that way. I sort of wanted to hug him and just say thank you for telling me.

Oh, I wish we could just talk all day.

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This is so nice [6P]
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Maybe? Maybe maybe maybe?
Saturday, May 14, 2016


I'm happy again tonight.

[5/14/2016 11:03:28 PM] Me: I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I had a dream that I met you.
[5/14/2016 11:04:14 PM] Me: We just sat on a bench in a stone amphitheatre and watched some people put on a play.
[5/14/2016 11:04:59 PM] Me: The stage was like twenty feet above us though, so it was sort of an awkward angle to watch at.
[5/14/2016 11:13:00 PM] J: Well it's definitely not something I hear often if at all haha, but don't worry, i think it's cool that you're okay with mentioning it. My grandma's reminding me to be careful of who I talk to on the internet because there are crazy psycho women out there, though hahahaha :P hope you don't mind me telling her.
[...]
[5/14/2016 11:24:02 PM] J: that's good haha. i think i tend to daydream a lot while i'm awake, so maybe i exhaust my brain before dream time comes. it probably doesn't work like that though :P
[5/14/2016 11:31:16 PM] J: one of the days after we talked, i remember wandering off in my head as i was driving and you and I were at the temple at burning man reading notes on the walls (people leave notes to lost loved ones / friends and s.o.'s they haven't talked to (and other people / pets of that nature) expressing feelings they never got to express or making promises to move on or live a better life etc etc, and then on the last day, they burn the temple and the thousands of people sit around in sobs and silence as they watch). I went to bm a few years ago but it was for a project, so I didn't get the full experience. I'm trying to get tickets this year to go as a normal attendee, but haven't gotten them yet. I was thinking if I got them, I might invite you.
[5/14/2016 11:32:34 PM] Me: That sounds really beautiful. @_@

TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO GET OVERLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS FRIENDSHIP BUT IT'S DIFFICULT.

I told him about all the stuff that happened in one of my relationships and he said he could relate and our situations were eerily similar and at the end he thanked me for sharing my story and said it was nice getting to understand me. Is this... is this real life? .__.

[5/15/2016 12:44:18 AM] J: i don't really know how to respond, i am here though, i'm just kind of in awe at how familiar it all feels

I'm hesitant to embrace the possibility that there's someone who might actually like, really, legitimately, understand me, but at the same time I want to very badly. Gotta be careful. >_<

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