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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Sharp teeth test your skin
too late, you let an angel in
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

“The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita






TICoSME
Musicalities!
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Recent friendish person [DP]
Saturday, May 13, 2017
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Culinary mishaps
Sunday, May 7, 2017
So I tried making a recipe from Imgur for Cacio e Pepe. I haven't failed so hard in the kitchen in quite awhile. "Easy" and "simple" were some damn dirty lies.

I have an understanding of where I went wrong in the process, but I can't really undo the mistake. My cheese wasn't grated finely enough, so instead of melting into the water to form a sauce, it instead clumped together into a large gooey mass that stuck to the bottom of the pot and fused into a thick hard brown layer under the pasta. Trying to stir the pasta/cheese around and adding more water didn't really help; the cheese just glommed onto the utensils I was using. It was like swirling a stick around a cotton candy machine, if the cotton candy was a wad of cheese.

Anyway, I stood there stirring it for... oh... probably at least fifteen minutes, maybe twenty, to try to get it to melt. It never fully melted. Eventually I just gave up. Tried eating some of it, and it was edible, but not great. The poster wasn't kidding about it being filling, though. I had maybe 3/4 cup of the pasta and then I was done for the night. Or well, done eating.

It took me well over an hour to clean the pot. :( Fifteen minutes with a scrubby sponge at first, making exactly 0% progress, before I tried finding something that was abrasive to use. All I could find was dishwasher detergent powder. Figured it wouldn't hurt to try, so I poured some of that in and scrubbed more. Still no effect. Poured some white vinegar in, because that can be a good cleaner. Nope, no dice. At that point I realized that I did not have adequate tools for the job, and so I left the pot to soak and went out to the grocery store to get some steel wool. They didn't have plain steel wool, only SOS pads, so I just got some of those. Went back to the house, scrubbed with an SOS pad for twenty minutes, made some headway! I got almost half of the hardened cheese layer off. Arm was getting tired though, and the sink was covered in blue SOS soap goop. I decided to try a different tactic and poured enough vinegar into the pot to cover the cheese layer, then put it on the stove and boiled it for awhile. That actually disintegrated the majority of the cheese that was left, which was nice. I scrubbed away the last bit with a second SOS pad afterwards.

All in all, the whole thing probably took me closer to two hours, but I shaved down my time estimate because I did spend a bit of time in the grocery store looking at other things, so I figured that didn't count towards the cleaning.

Man, though, what an ordeal. On the bright side, I felt VERY accomplished when that pot was finally clean.

After I finally went back upstairs I looked up the recipe elsewhere on the internet and it seems that a lot of people have similar troubles with it, so I felt a bit less embarrassed about how badly it went. Serious Eats (which has never let me down) ran through some good tips on how to do it right and was more specific about all the steps than that random person on Imgur. Too bad I was too lazy to do more research before attempting the recipe. T_T

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Productive love [4P]
Friday, May 5, 2017
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A change in pace in small ways
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Since I'm going back home after spring quarter, I decided that I wanted to give my therapist a gift, of sorts. I never gave any of my other therapists gifts, but it was never something I really thought was acceptable in the therapy environment. After reading so many different accounts of the therapy process, I'm realizing that it's not nearly as structured as I used to think.

Anyway, I'm not giving her anything expensive or fancy. A few sessions ago I told her about how I like to take long walks on the weekends and take pictures of things, and my desire to take pictures is sort of a barometer for my mood. She asked me what I take pictures of, so I tried to describe some things to her. I thought it would be nice to show her some of my pictures, so I went to the drugstore and bought a few prints using a Kodak kiosk (sidenote: it was my first time using one, but it was pretty easy, and I might do it again in the future). I just picked out a few of my favorite photos from the past few months, like the one with the realization pigeon and the discarded shoe. I don't know what she'll think, but I hope it's not weird. The total cost of the pictures was less than $3, so it won't be a big deal if she turns them down for some reason.

Reflecting on that Kodak kiosk experience, I've come to realize that I get a lot of anxiety about doing new things. I mean, okay, I already knew that, but I've just been noticing it more recently. Like there's this taco truck on my way home from school, and I keep thinking "I should go ask if they'll make me a bean/cheese/rice burrito," because sometimes I feel like having a burrito but I don't want to buy a whole pack of tortillas I probably won't finish just so I can have one burrito that wouldn't be as good as a Mexican restaurant burrito anyway. And I think they probably would totally make me that burrito, and the worst that could happen is that there'd be a bit of awkwardness on my end as I double checked to make sure that they understood I didn't want sour cream or pico de gallo or anything. I have literally been thinking about this for months, but I feel sort of paralyzed about it every time I get the opportunity to go ask. At the same time though, I haven't been consistently wanting a burrito this whole time. I honestly just want to know if I have that option available to me so that if the mood strikes, I know I can go there to get a burrito.

It feels like I have to psych myself up a LOT to do new things. With some things it's not as hard; like, I can go into an unfamiliar store on a whim and not feel overly anxious about it, and I can leave without buying anything and that's okay. Talking to people about stuff can be really hard, though. If someone I know is around though, that almost completely eliminates the paralysis, and I can just try things. There might still be some hesitance, but I feel markedly emboldened by the presence of a familiar person.

---

Besides getting some photo prints today, I also went to dinner with my new housemate. I was sitting downstairs when he came home, and he asked if I'd want to go out and get a beer with him. I told him I'd be up for going out, but that I didn't drink. We ended up just going out for food a few hours later, at a sort of... world fusion(?) restaurant. I'd been there before, and I got a super delicious kale salad. He got... like three different things (they're small dishes) and a drink, and we talked about a few things. He picked up the tab at the end because my salad was only $9. Really nice of him! I haven't decided what I think of him yet... he seems nice enough, but I also get a slight sense of edge from him. Maybe that's just him being very straightforward and hmm... firm? about things. I want to say "cut and dry" I guess. It's a strong contrast to me. He asked me where the nearest grocery store was today, and it's literally like a five minute walk straight down the street, but I said that and then hedged it with some frantic uncertain "um"s and "I think?"s. So... then he ended up just checking on his phone to verify since I seemed so unsure. >.> I get the impression that he would find my behavior kind of annoying over a long period of time. Good thing I'm not going to be living here much longer.

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More walking
Saturday, April 29, 2017
I walked ~9 miles today, just wandering around the city.

Brought some stale cereal with me and fed seagulls after therapy, which was kinda cool. Also saw a one-legged monk on crutches.

It seemed vaguely metaphorical, but I don't know what it would be a metaphor for.

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Considering my luck
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
I have frequent small moments throughout the week where I feel quite lucky. This is despite the overall theme of my life that seems rather unlucky in some respects (relationships, emotional experiences, etc.).

Today I took a shower and used a bit of styling paste in my hair while it was damp, then dried my hair. (Side note: the container of only 5 ounces, but at the rate I'm using it, it could take years to finish... The stylist at the salon told me it lasted a long time, but I had no idea how true that was when I bought it)

My shower was sometime before 10 AM. A couple hours later, I went downstairs and had some lunch while reading for class, and noticed that the clock said it was getting close to 12:30 PM when I was done. Went back upstairs to my room to do more reading before I had to leave for school. My lips were kind of dry, so I reached for the tub of CeraVe on my shelf next to the styling paste-- and realized that the lip to the styling paste was on top of the CeraVe. I'd forgotten to put the lid back on earlier. How lucky that I found it before leaving the house! I won't be back until late tonight, and my styling paste could have dried out in that time if it were left open.

Anyway, this sort of small lucky event seems to me to happen a lot. The earbuds that I use when I'm walking around have very loose covers that come off almost constantly, and I often realize I'm missing one and have to go look for it. To my great surprise (and appreciation), I have always been able to find the dislodged covers on the ground somewhere. It's really quite amazing.

Similarly, I have gotten into a habit of buying honeydew from the local Safeway because 1) I like honeydew and 2) it's easy to cut up and keep in the fridge as a source of fruit for a few days. Usually it's kind of pricey-- $5.99 for one, but yesterday morning I went grocery shopping and honeydew was on sale! So naturally I bought one, because I couldn't refuse luck like that.

It occurred to me shortly before starting this entry that most or all of these events would probably not seem particularly lucky to other people, and I acknowledge that there is a negative side to them. I could have felt unlucky that I forgot to cover my styling paste. I could also feel unlucky or annoyed that my earbud covers fall off so much and I have to retrieve them. Maybe I could even feel unlucky that a fruit I like to get is usually kind of expensive. If I had that point of view, I think I would be very unhappy with my life. As it is, I feel very grateful for these small favors that the universe seems to provide to me, and I really do feel a sense of pleasant astonishment at my luck.

I really think there is value in trying to find something you truly appreciate in any given situation. This is different than trying to force appreciation for something you just don't appreciate, though. That's fake and it becomes obvious that you're straining yourself for some false positivity. I would liken that to having a bowl of marbles and trying to declare that all the colors are your favorite, whereas searching for what you actually do appreciate would be like digging through the marbles to find the one that is naturally your favorite color. I believe in curating optimism, but not to the extent that it's inauthentic. If it's not coming from a genuine place then it's really pretty useless and defeats the purpose, I think.

Anyway, I feel that this process of searching for the silver lining is helpful to my mental state and general mood. I had to train myself to look for the good things at first (the process was definitely reinforced by Fro suggesting I explicitly record good things), but it often happens automatically now, which is nice.

Then again, maybe I'm just feeling better because the weather isn't as bad, haha.

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Odd things [2P]
Saturday, April 22, 2017
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Kind of lost my temper tonight...
Thursday, April 20, 2017
I can't remember the last time this really happened. I mean, I've definitely been mad plenty of times in the last few months, but I don't remember the last time I actually lost my temper. Generally, even if I'm pretty angry, I still manage to stay pretty composed.

My terrible housemate is still here, still leaving the bathroom a gross mess. He leaves dirty water all over the floor, pees on the toilet seat, somehow managed to soak the toilet paper on the holder... After three weeks of putting up with this, I snapped a bit.

I heard him go out to the bathroom, so I opened my door to check if he had left a mess after he finished. Of course, he had. No surprise there. Water ALL over the toilet seat. He ran back to his room and I went over and knocked on his door to tell him to clean it up. He opened the door just a crack and asked, in English, if I needed to use the toilet. I didn't know if I would understand me if I said "it's not about whether I need to use it right now, it's about you leaving a mess there, which is not acceptable." I repeated that he needed to clean it up and he closed the door. I waited a bit, because usually he isn't wearing pants and he'll put on pants and come out and wipe it up eventually, but I heard him start talking in his room... So I knocked again, and again he only opened the door a crack and then tried to close it. Now, it was pretty clear that he had no intention of doing it, so I stopped him from closing the door by putting my hand against it and told him to clean it up right now. He responded... by trying to force the door closed against me. Wasn't going to let him get away with that, so I kept the door handle turned so that he couldn't lock it. Tried to force open the door from my end, but hes bigger than me and I'm not as strong as I used to be, sadly. I think he just stayed pushing against the door for the new few moments, and I waited to see if he would move, but nope. At some point he did open the door again because I kept telling him to clean up the bathroom, but he just tried to take my hand off the door, presumably so he could close it and lock it. At this point my landlady came out of her room (we were all awake anyway, I wouldn't have done this if she was sleeping) and asked what was going on. I told her that I was trying to get him to clean up his mess, and she talked to him in Chinese, and then called his mom on the phone. I don't know what they said because it was all in Chinese, but he did go partially wipe up the toilet once my landlady asked him...

My landlady looked at me sympathetically and put her hand on my shoulder and said she was sorry about it. I just shook my head and laughed in exasperation and said I was frustrated.

I didn't yell at him or particularly raise my voice during the ordeal, although my tone was certainly a lot sharper than usual. Maybe it's not right to characterize this as losing my temper though... It was more like standing my ground and refusing to back down and let him continue his bad behavior. Still, it didn't feel like an "adult" thing for me to do, I guess... But I've been reminding this kid to clean up for weeks now, and he still won't do it unless I specifically ask. After more than three weeks, the escalation and use of force felt justified, but I don't know if it was. I didn't hit him or anything, but it was still an aggressive move on my part... I don't know. Ugh. My heart started racing when I realized he was blatantly ignoring me, and I could feel the anger rising in my chest.

I want to be able to handle this in a mature and responsible manner, but this kid (who is only an adult legally-- he's obviously a child from the way he acts) refuses to act in a remotely courteous way, and so I sort of feel like he doesn't get to be treated with any respect. I suppose that's how I generally feel about these things... people have my respect at first, but if they lose it, they tend to lose all of it at once and I see them as practically subhuman and not deserving of any courtesies whatsoever, not even acknowledgement as a person in some cases. Maybe this is something for me to think about... Although it does take awhile for me to lose my respect for someone, so I dunno. Does it need to be a more gradual descent? This is a rather grey area and I'm not sure if this is something I really feel contributes to or detracts from my growth as a person.

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