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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Can't you see what you've done to my heart and soul?
this is a wasteland now
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

“The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita






TICoSME
Musicalities!
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
A dark cloud
Friday, December 23, 2016
"The Nights Are Cold" by Camera Obscura.

The fate of man is random so don't look down
The towns and the cities are all burning down
Your road is bitter like the whip of the wind
You want to get to the end but you don't know how to begin

You want to know how we got to where we are now
The nights are cold
The nights are cold
The nights are cold

Let my life and all its storms begin to blow
Take me here and there, I don't care where I go
Ah, but beauty is a dark cloud when you're alone
She says she has the answers but I really just don't know

You want to know how we got to where we are now
The nights are cold
The nights are cold
The nights are cold
The nights are cold

Ah, the only road I walk alone
Where beauty nails me to her cross


"Never Good Enough" by Eerie Summer.

I wish I could talk to you
I wish I was louder
I was I had social skills
I wish I was stronger

Never good enough
Never good enough
Never good enough
Never good enough

I wish I was fearless
To make everyone impressed
I wish that I could make friends
Instead of just failing

Never good enough
Never good enough
Never good enough
Never good enough


It felt like two hands grasping for each other from opposite sides of a canyon, unable to reach, and trying to meet halfway meant throwing oneself off the cliffs.

I wrote this in 2010, but it still feels relevant:

There isn't any hope left
And no reason to try
When there's no such thing as truth
What can we do but lie?

We couldn't cross the distance
So it came and crossed us
There's much that I still want to say
But nothing to discuss

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Rising black smoke
Thursday, December 22, 2016
I was talking to Dan last night and was reminded of this song:

"No Children" by The Mountain Goats.

I am drowning, there is no sign of land
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die


He also showed me this one:

"Nine Black Poppies" by The Mountain Goats.

And I tried to remember how nice it had been
A long long time ago
But I couldn't remember
I honestly could not remember

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Never-ending headache
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
I've had a headache for like seven or eight hours.

Sometimes it feels like I've just had a continuous headache for the past few months. The pain increases and decreases, but it's almost always there.

Sometimes I rub my temples or put pressure on the areas around my eyes, and that hurts too, but in a more tolerable way. Pressing hard on my temples makes it feel slightly less unpleasantly painful, but it also makes me feel nauseous.

It's so hard to care about almost anything else when I can't seem to make these headaches stop.

---

Kyle and I have been talking a bit more recently, and it's nice. I miss when we used to talk every day. I guess that was a really long time ago now, though. It used to feel like he knew me better than anybody, for better or worse. I think he still knows me in a different way than most of my other friends. Nobody else has really been around as long as he has.

We talked about potentially taking a trip together at some point, but haven't really gotten many details down. Most of the places I want to go that are easier to plan trips for are places I've already been to, like New York. I do want to go to Europe as well, but it's kind of outside my price range. Kyle said he could cover some travel costs for me, but Europe is a bit too much. Maybe we could do Canada or something, though. Or Hawaii? He's never been to Hawaii with me. I guess maybe he'd rather go somewhere neither of us has been yet. Might be cool to go along the East Coast, since I haven't really seen much of it. There's also Carlsbad Caverns down in New Mexico, which he said he would take me to years ago but never did.

---

This headache is making me feel sick. I just want it to go away. Ibuprofen doesn't really help enough, though, and the only other thing I have is generic Excedrin, and that has caffeine in it. It's too late at night to take something with caffeine... Maybe I'll just try to go to sleep. I'm staying in a big fancy cabin near Tahoe with my extended family though, and I have to share a room with my cousin and this other girl from China that my aunt invited. Makes it a bit of a hassle to get ready for bed, because I have to be really careful to be quiet and not disturb them.

Headache is making it almost impossible to focus on anything and it makes me want to scream and hit my head against something until I lose consciousness and can't feel it anymore. Not that I would ever do that... All my energy is going into trying not to take it out on the people around me. Limiting my interactions with them seems like the easiest way so far.

I don't want to live with these constant headaches. Maybe I need to drink more water.. ugh...

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Spotify recommended this to me
Sunday, December 18, 2016
"Golden Hour" by Prince Innocence.

The sensualities
A last moment is lost on me


I'm not sure if those are the right lyrics.

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Ow
Saturday, December 17, 2016
I keep getting random feelings like I'm being stabbed by needles in isolated places.

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Some pictures I've taken since I got home
Friday, December 16, 2016
Meat... substance.


I don't feel like anything I say will contribute to this picture.


I got some new shoes that are supposed to be water-repellent.

They are a little cumbersome to put on (can't just slip them on like my other shoes, I have to actually undo all the laces and loosen them the whole way down), but I like them a lot.

The past few days, I haven't had much of an appetite. I ate... a cookie, a pear, a piece of bread, and four small pickles today. Kind of need to lose weight after pigging out so much at school, though. I kept getting dessert just because it was there. >_> Really bad habit.

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Wow...
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
I got a C on one of my final assignments for class... My final grade for that class ended up being a B+, which I guess is... sort of... well... almost acceptable. I don't know if "acceptable" is even the right word. It feels so mild. I feel like I need something that conveys more of a vibe of "I'm on the edge of sanity right now but I'm balanced very carefully on that cliff and I don't think this is necessarily going to be the single thing that pushes me over."

Surprisingly I got a 96% on the other final assignment for the class, even though I was far more worried about that one.

I don't know, I don't feel like I have it in me to care that much. I haven't had a B+ in seven years and it doesn't even feel real. But... I know I didn't do well this quarter. This was the worst school quarter I've had in memory. At least at St. John's the work was just dumb and easy. My problems there didn't have much to do with my assignments.

In brighter news, I got an A on one of my finals for a different class... So that was a relief. The B+ class is the one I hated, anyway. Considering I pretty much had lost the motivation to try, I guess I didn't do badly.

This came up on Spotify, and I tend to skip this song a lot, but it seems better tonight.

"Comedown" by Bush.

There is no blame, only shame
When you beg you just complain
The more I come, the more I try
All police are paranoid
So am I, so's the future
So are you, be a creature
What do you say, do you do, when it all comes down?

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I can't make up my mind about my hair :( [2P]
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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