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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Can't you see what you've done to my heart and soul?
this is a wasteland now
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

“The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita






TICoSME
Musicalities!
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Just in case
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
You know how I sometimes post those entries that say "I'll be going here... no internet access... expect no posts for a few days" blah blah etc. etc.? Well, the router in my house has died, so my dad had to wire up the front computer to work directly with the internet... or something...

I have no connection in my room, so I'm not sure how active I'll be until we get a new router. Just giving a warning to anyone who might notice/care.

Also I sort of got hit on today by an asian dude in my astronomy class. XD

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Late, and not as late, pictures
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Still feeling vaguely antisocial.

Moustachioed wink.


I saw this woman teaching her kid to buy lottery tickets at Safeway.


Pretty roses at the bank.


Looks kind of like tissues that someone bled all over.

My mom and I went to this rockery (place that sells rocks... who'd have guessed?) on Friday. I didn't take a picture of the whole setup, though. Here's the stuff we got.


I had to shovel it into bags, which wasn't really hard, but kind of annoying because the bag wouldn't stay up.


Exciting.


I never knew that rocks/gravel were so cheap before.

Also there was this large dog in the store.


It smelled kind of like dirt and old smoke in there. I looked at the tools and wondered which one a person would grab if they intended to kill us.

I had a dream that I went to the beach, and there was sort of a toll booth setup before you could go in. There was a coat check, and it was $39. We heard that there was a murderer on the beach though, so I decided to check my bag and jacket so I wouldn't have them in the way while I was dealing with the murderer.

She came up from the beach right then though, so I felt like I had wasted my money. I gave an exasperated sigh and then turned around to fight her.

There was a middled aged blonde woman next to her. I guess she was her accomplice... I knew she was probably supporting her just so that she wouldn't be killed. The murderer herself was young, maybe around my age. Pretty. She held a large meat cleaver in her right hand as she advanced on me. When she swung it, she missed, and I wrestled it away from her. It was a long, slender knife now.

I hit her on the head with it, but it didn't really cut her much. Made some marks, but I was trying to just knock her out. I hit her and her accomplice enough that I won, and we were in my living room, near the kitchen, and it was dark except for some candlelight flickers.

Since they had lost, I was going to hold out the knife and they were going to run toward it and impale themselves on it to die. The knife had changed again and was a tiny thin blade with a serrated edge.

The accomplice was gone, but the girl ran toward me and I stabbed her. It didn't kill her, so I kept stabbing her. There was no blood. I could feel the knife going into her, and I thought to myself that now I knew what it was like to kill someone. I could see the slits the knife made, but she never fell. I just woke up.

---

Also dreamt that I was... sort of rescued, I guess, by a guy in a Phantom-of-the-Opera-esque scenario. He took me away while the antagonist was distracted...

We went to this shop that had a bunch of clothes and things. I guess there was also sort of a party/get together there. It wasn't really my scene, but I wanted to browse through the clothing to find some dresses to try on. The guy who was with me, who was my boyfriend I guess, was kind of bored as I looked around. I couldn't really find anything I liked, and I suggested that he look for something he thought would look good on me. He walked away in search of something.

All the dresses I found seemed like they wouldn't look good because they would exaggerate my hips, or they seemed too skimpy or didn't have sleeves. He came back with a dress that looked kind of like a long t-shirt with the sleeves and part of the collar cut away.

I settled on something else, but he left, so when I came out of the dressing room (which was sort of like a square dining booth against the wall with a curtain around it...) he was gone. I stood there by myself, looking for him, and felt like he didn't want to be with me. It was that kind of sickish-alone feeling that you can feel in your body as a sort of cold, twisting emptiness.

---

Notice is such a big factor in death.

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PTK
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I got an email from school that says I'm eligible to join Phi Theta Kappa.

...Yay... I guess...

There's a bit on the application where I have to put the month and year I'm graduating from the school.

Maybe it's just me (or I'm feeling cynical), but I thought that was funny.

Graduation from a two year college? Who cares? I guess it's a big deal for some people. I just don't care much about life right now in general.

Keep imagining my dead body in various places. I've been thinking a lot about slow motion sequences that involve me getting hit by a car, or falling off something tall, or just being killed in various ways. I wouldn't say I'm actively suicidal (I mean c'mon... when am I ever, really), but the daydreaming is a little more frequent than usual.

I had a dream that I was being chased by some law enforcement people because sorcery had been outlawed by the government and it was 3320 AD. I ran with two women who were my sisters and we hid in houses and behind boxes. Eventually they were gone and it was just me trying to evade capture. I hid in my apartment, which seemed nicely furnished (I guess I had dedicated a lot of time to making it cozy), but they found me, so while they were in the house, I ran to the bathroom (which was sort of a sauna, with wooden benches instead of a bathtub/shower behind the glass door) and climbed out the window. My plan was to hang down from the ledge and drop to the window below me, and then jump from that one to the ground and make a run for it. This worked out fine, and I quickly made my way through some of the neighbors' yards and over their fences.

When I got over the last fence, I landed on the edge of a large green field. There was a playground in the middle of it in front of me, and several yards behind that was a single large apartment complex. I was in China, so the police couldn't arrest me there. I walked past the playground towards the building, but woke up before anything else happened.

I wonder if my chase dreams are going to come back...

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Budgie budgie budgies and then mildly irritated fatigue
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I don't know. I just needed a title.

Cici has been coming out of the cage on her own rather frequently as of late. My brother complained that she was wandering around the house when I wasn't home, and that he had to put her back in the cage. I honestly don't really have a problem with that, as long as she doesn't get hurt or we can't find her. Budgie droppings are easy to clean up and don't smell bad, so that's not a big deal at all.

Oh, well she just went back inside. Guess she had enough of sitting on top of the cage.

The past few days I've been in a mildly bad mood. I don't even really feel bad or anything, but I just don't want to... socialize. Alice wasn't helping at all. She was sort of in a playful/annoying mood, so she kept telling me I should stop judging her, and that I was so judgemental all the time. (I know it's spelled 'judgmental' in American English, Google Chrome, but I don't give a damn)

I know it's just her joking around, but I'm finding this particular mock-complaint rather irritating. I understand that some of the joke may be that she herself is pretty judgemental, so she's being a hypocrite, but it's just not working for me at all. Maybe I'd prefer if she used sarcastic tones instead of playfully pleading ones. I don't know. Probably not, really. When she's sarcastic she can come off as really bitter and selfish, which I don't really like either.

Today she was complaining that her mom won't let her spend her own money. The discussion moved on to money and savings in general, and Erika commented that she only had to pay $45 for her classes total, excluding books, because she had gotten some sort of special grant or something, since she and her mother have no income. Alice... pretty much ignored that, and wondered aloud if she could get the same deal, since she doesn't work anymore. (She goes horseback riding instead...) She told us that she has about $100,000 in her college fund, which is a hell of a lot more than I have, and I think Erika might be doing Work-Study.

Alice kept talking about how her parents won't let her buy clothes anymore, and how they don't approve anything she wants to buy, except for a $400 leather jacket...

She sounded pretty much like a spoiled brat the entire time, and I wasn't in the mood to hear it.

It's not really that she's being excessively inconsiderate to me personally, since my family has enough to get by right now, but I really didn't think it was appropriate in any way for her to be complaining about her "problems" like that when we were talking to Erika.

When I think about it, I actually have a pretty negative view of my best friend. You'd think this would be more of an issue, since her personality actually contains a lot of elements that I'm strongly opposed to in my personal values system, but somehow it doesn't come up that often.

So tired lately.

---Edit---

I can never get over the weirdness of rediscovering old profiles on the internet. I signed up for a bunch of different sites when I was thirteen, and every now and then I run into them again and have absolutely no recollection of the things I've put there. I feel like an internet squirrel, burying nuts everywhere and forgetting them.

Nothing I've buried has grown into a tree, though.

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Shrikes
Sunday, April 17, 2011
"Shrikes are passerine birds known for their habit of catching other birds and small animals and impaling the uneaten portions of their bodies on thorns."

What.

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Aural accosting
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Wow, I'm totally dominating the Top 10 Readings section this month. :S

Well let's see... TODAY.

Jasper and I had planned to go to the Original Pancake House at 12:30, but I woke up at around 10 AM or so, so I went to the farmers market and library with my dad and brother. My brother is learning to drive, so he drove on the way there. Meanwhile, I was quietly having a panic attack in the backseat. Thankfully though, he did not kill us! I am very glad for that.

We got a bunch of kiwi(s?), and my brother got a "sweet strawberry tamale" at one of the stalls. It turns out that the tamale isn't filled with strawberries, as we had assumed, but is instead solid red corn-stuff. Basically like there was just not filling and it was entirely the outer tamale part. He was not pleased. XD

I got a strange CD called "Acid in the Style of David Tudor" from the library. Listening to it right now. Very bizarre. :S It's not really... music... per se... Kind of just a sequence of odd beeps and blips and thumps. I feel like I'm listening to an iDose track again...

Anyway... Jasper was late, so we didn't go to the Pancake House until around 1:15. We both got omelets (because they have delicious omelets, of course). I ate all my pancakes and saved most of the giant (plate-sized) omelet for later, as is my custom. SUCH DELICIOUS SANDWICHES I SHALL MAKE.

After pancakes, we drove back to my house, then walked to the park and traveled along the creek. There's actually some water in it now, though, so we didn't go through the Hall of Stone. Perhaps another time...

Climbed back up to street level, and then walked to this asian drink place nearby. I ordered something called an Icy, and asked for carambola flavor. The cashier didn't speak English very well, so I guess she misheard me. When my order came up, it was brown and tasted like coffee. I was perplexed, as you can imagine. Jasper suggested I go back and tell her she gave me the wrong thing, which I did. Somehow, even saying "carambola" slowly, with emphasis on each syllable, didn't work. Finally I told her the number, and then she got it.

Sadly, the supposedly carambola-flavored Icy was not really better than the coffee one. In fact, it was horrible. SO HORRIBLE. It tasted NOTHING like starfruit (another name for carambola). In fact, it tasted like salty plums. (Chinese people might understand what I'm saying here) I gave some to Jasper and he decided it tasted like handsoap with added sugar and salt.

It was all weird and perfume-y and overall just nasty. Never again. I think I'm just stupid or something, honestly. I go to these asian places and see something that looks interesting, and think to myself "wow, that looks cool! I'll try that!" and it turns out to be gross every time. It's like with that nasty super sized Pink Valentine drink I had awhile ago that tasted like rose-flavored milk. TOTAL NASTINESS.

Thankfully this doesn't happen too frequently. NEXT TIME I'LL TRY NOT TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE.

We headed back toward the park and met up with Alice and Joanna, and chucked a Frisbee at each other. None of us were very good at it. I think we each caught it like... once. The rest of the time the Frisbee was either going over our heads, falling on the ground a few feet from the thrower, or just whizzing off in a random direction. Fun times. After a bit, Alice and co. started talking about video games, which bored me immensely.

[I'm still listening to this weird Acid CD. Gonna be honest here, I wouldn't recommend this to anyone.]

Eventually I poked Alice in the arm, said "we're ditching you, bye," and walked back to my house with Jasper. There, we parted ways, and that is the end of the happenings today.

Apparently I've been listening to this terrible "music" for almost twenty minutes already. Holy moly. I keep thinking there'll be something good if I listen long enough, but so far I just feel like shards of noise are stabbing me in the face.

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The Game of Implications
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I don't know where this is going. Well, I mean, it doesn't have to go anywhere, really.

Discussed with ES Guy today how Alice and Jasper think I come off as flirty. He said he didn't think that.

We talked about death and depression, and life. He seems to have pretty typical views on the subjects. (Boring)

"Life is good! Death and depression are bad!"

Blah blah.

He also talked about singing. He's asked me before if I sing along with songs when I'm by myself. I answered truthfully (which is to say I said yes, I do). Today he was asking if he could hear me sing. I said I sound horrible (I can't carry a tune), and he talked about how females are supposed to have evolved to have "enticing" voices or something. I laughed, but said I didn't sing in front of other people. He was sort of playfully disappointed, and said "I'm never going to hear you sing, am I?"

Jasper's conclusion: HE LIKES MEH.

I guess it doesn't really matter... mostly I should just be worried about attracting guys who would take it badly if I wasn't interested in them... People who are fine either way shouldn't be an issue, right?

Oh also I thought I lost my phone today while I was biking to school, but my dad found it (and my chapstick!), so I was mildly worried for nothing!

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This is a really stupid problem
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Disclaimer: I have no proof that this is true in some cases. I'm going off opinions mostly.

---

I feel like I can't make platonic male friends. Or rather, I can, but it doesn't stay mutually platonic.

The dude I was hanging with for awhile started to bug me. He's boring and he talks a lot, and I recently found out that he's sorta weirdly clingy. Yesterday he called me (I'd been avoiding him a bit) to ask if something was up. Was I mad at him? Did he bore me? (Yes, yes he did, but etiquette dictates that I am not allowed to say that) When I told him I didn't feel like we had a good friendship dynamic and that I didn't enjoy hanging out with him, he was really insistent that he wanted to keep me as a friend and still hang out. I should've just said "HELL NO." Instead, I was my typical "I can't bear to punch you with rejection" self and said okay, but I would only hang out in group settings. He seemed disheartened, but agreed to it. Oh, and he also said he thought that I had gotten the wrong idea from his giving gifts to me (which is true; his actions there sent a very bad message). I told him I didn't feel it was appropriate, since I didn't consider us very close. He got kinda defensive (but in normal tones, I guess... not utterly whiny) and said he just gives gifts to his friends. Whatever, dude.

Obviously Jasper asked me out awhile ago, but he's been much more laid back about it. I'm still cool with hanging out with him. When I told him about my issues with the aforementioned dude, he said something to the effect of "well, you're attractive, interesting, and single. It's not surprising he likes you."

Annnnnnnnnnnd after some discussion with Alice, it's possible that ES class guy might like me as well. No proof on this one, though. He's very nice, of course, but I'm trying to assume that's all it is. It's true that we've discussed our views on dating (not each other, but in general), but I figured that was neutral, not laced with hidden implications. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK THOUGH, GAH. Alice thinks we were flirting (although she wasn't there, just to clarify, so my retelling of the events could've skewed her impression of the situation)

I think that if I could talk to myself, aged a few years younger, the younger me would say "wow, you're complaining about that? I WISH guys were interested in me!"

Right now I don't have very many friends. I'd like the friendships I have to be uncontaminated by possible romantic feelings on one end. I've never been the type to be all "single life is freakin' FANTASTIC, I wanna be single FOREVER," but right now I just don't think I have the energy to deal with a relationship. Hence my withdrawal from the dating pool... or at least my attempt to do so.

Somewhere out there, people have real problems, and if they were to read this, they would shake their heads and sigh.

---

I need a t-shirt that says everything about what I find amusing in a few easily readable words so I can stop being tempted to buy shirts online constantly.

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