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Memores acti prudentes futuri


No shadows will replace the warmth of your contact
love is dead in Metropolis
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
TICoSME
Musicalities!
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dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
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free counters
Hypothetical scenarios [2P]
Friday, May 6, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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If I had...
Thursday, May 5, 2016
I had an honest, purely happy moment today in the car while driving back from babysitting. "If I Had A Million Dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies came on the radio and it had been so long since I heard it, but something about it was so comforting and funny and I sang along to it in the car and things felt really good. It was like reconnecting with a beloved old friend.

Also got a very lovely bird-themed A5-sized notebook for only $3.15 when I was out with Alex tonight. And just spent a good twenty minutes browsing through budgie-themed notebooks on Redbubble... You know, when I really think about it, it's actually not that difficult to get me gifts, because I'd be pretty happy with virtually anything if it had a cute budgie on it. The description of this notebook on Amazon says "For Parakeet Lover," and when I saw that I was like "HEY THAT'S ME! I'M THE TARGET MARKET FOR THIS PRODUCT!"

If I had a million dollars, I'd buy all the budgie things.

I've been listening to this lately.

"Afraid Of Heights" by Wavves.

I breathe in, so deeply
I’m stealing all the air
Unseated, still dizzy
From acting like I care

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Not dead (yet)
Monday, May 2, 2016
Seem to have lost around three pounds since Saturday... Couldn't even hold down water on Saturday night, and was just gingerly sipping on water and nibbling on saltines yesterday.

Saturday night/Sunday morning was spent in a state of constant exhaustion, trying to sleep, possibly succeeding for a few minutes at a time, but waking up frequently because of pain and discomfort. The bathroom never feels so far away as when you have to slowly crawl to it in the dark.

I didn't want to drink anything or eat anything, but my dad encouraged me to keep drinking water. "That's how people die from cholera," he said, "it's the dehydration."

In some moments I wished I would just die. In other moments I thought about purposely depriving myself of food and water for that purpose. Not an experiment I could take back though.

It kind of felt like my stomach was dying and my body was trying to rip pieces off of it to eject them from me before any of my other organs were affected.

Still... I went to San Francisco yesterday with Esther, which was not really the best decision, considering how I felt. We went to Urban Air Market, but I didn't end up actually buying anything from it... got a tank top and a new messenger bag for the upcoming school year, though. My old school bag is seven years old and fraying pretty badly, so it'll be good to have a new (waterproof) one.

---

Mike liked this article on the smug style in American Liberalism on Facebook, so I spent a bit of time reading that just now. It reminded me of why I don't really like The Daily Show or similar programs. I got tired of all the episodes pretty much being the host just expressing disbelief at people's seemingly stupid or senseless behavior in different ways. I guess it wasn't something I thought of as being a trend in liberalism overall, though. There is an unfortunate tendency for people (in general I think, although the article specifically names liberals) to be dismissive of things/viewpoints they don't understand. It's easier than putting in the time and energy required to understand them. But... I think it's not the right thing to do. I think the right thing to do is to fight our instincts in that regard and make the effort to understand other people and other things, and why they act they think and act the way they do. Understanding is an important part of empathy.

Empathy is one of my core values, and I think I will follow my therapist's advice and not question that either.

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Food poisoning
Sunday, May 1, 2016
I threw up more times last night than I have in probably the last five years combined.

feels bad man

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Aesthetic and ethical
Friday, April 29, 2016
"A Beginner's Guide To Destroying The Moon" by Foster the People.

I would break you
Before I let you fall into the blind
For you and I
For you and I
I will breathe in
All the truth I can stomach
If it keeps you alive

...

Yeah you'll never be whole, yeah you'll never be whole
Until you lose control
And think freely to smash the wall of apathy
Stop your self-importance and lift the weight off somebody else
Yeah you'll never be whole, yeah you'll never be whole
Until you lose control


---

Sometimes it feels as if I am climbing a ladder whose rungs are studded with thorns, and I am barefoot and barehanded. Below me is an infinite, ever-rising black ocean, which will drag me down if I ever stop climbing too long. As difficult and painful as climbing the ladder is, it's still better than drowning.

---

I described to my therapist my dissatisfaction with the fact that at the end of things, faced with the final "why," the only answer I can come up with is "because," and that has to be good enough. It is a weak point in the argument, indefensible and based on assumptions of intrinsic value which are impossible to convey to someone who doesn't agree. He told me that it was a point which didn't need to be questioned. At the end of the appointment he looked at me squarely and repeated that he was serious, and that some moral statements don't need to be questioned.

---

Fundamentally Kierkegaard suggested that there are two ways we can live our life, the aesthetic and the ethical. Each individual has the opportunity to make a conscious choice between these two.Individuals who choose the aesthetic viewpoint basically live for themselves and their own pleasure. This need not be a shallow attitude to life. In working for our own pleasure, we almost invariably work for the pleasure of others too, if we are thinking in the longer term. Indeed, it could be argued that the scientist who selflessly dedicates his entire life to curing a painful disease, sacrificing personal, domestic, and social pleasure in the process, is also living the aesthetic life if he does this simply because he enjoys scientific research.
On a basic level, the individual who lives the aesthetic life is not in control of his existence. He lives for the moment, prompted by pleasure. His life may be self-contradictory, lacking in stability or certainty. Even on a more calculating level, the aesthetic life remains "experimental." We follow a certain pleasure only so long as it appeals to us.

The inadequacy of the aesthetic viewpoint is fundamental. this is because it relies upon the external world. It "expects everything from without." In this way it is passive and lacking in freedom. It relies upon things that remain ultimately beyond the control of its will-- such as power, possessions, or even friendship. It is contingent, dependent upon the "accidental." There is nothing "necessary" about it.

If we understand such things, we see the ultimate inadequacy of the aesthetic existence. When an individual who lives the aesthetic life reflects on his existence, he soon realizes that it is lacking in any certainty or meaning. Such a realization often leads to despair.

On the ethical sphere:
Here subjectivity is the "absolute," and the foremost task is "choosing oneself." The individual who leads the ethical life creates himself by his choice, and self-creation becomes the goal of his existence. Where the aesthetic individual merely accepts himself as he is, the ethical individual seeks to know himself and to change himself by his own choice. He will be guided in this by his self-knowledge and his willingness not to accept what he discovers but to try to improve upon it.

Here we see the categorical difference between the aesthetic and the ethical: the former is concerned with the outer world, the latter with the inner. The ethical individual seeks to know himself and tries to turn himself into something better-- he aims at becoming an "ideal self."

---

We talked in the car, about understanding and finding the right people and being alone. It started when I asked, "Do you feel like any of your friends really understand you?" The answer was hesitant and uncertain, but translated to "no."

I asked why. We discussed always being in the supportive role, and not feeling comfortable relying on others. The vulnerability of being open and honest. The fear of burdening others or not being accepted. But also, the terrible loneliness of succumbing to this fear, and hiding oneself away. No risks, no rewards.

"I live philosophy," I said. "It's real to me."
"That's what makes you an interesting person."

Hrm.

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O_O
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
I was in no way prepared for last night.

Writing it out wouldn't do the story justice, so I'm just telling people over videochat... but... wow... O_O

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Thought this entry would be short because I'm tired, but nope [Ask]
Monday, April 25, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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The strangeness of coyotes
Saturday, April 23, 2016
My foot and neck still hurt. I hope I didn't do anything serious to my foot... Still don't know why my neck hurts. Painkillers help somewhat, at least.

I hung out with Alex again tonight. We watched Rick and Morty at his place and went to IHOP because Rick talks about pancakes in one of the episodes and it made us both really want pancakes. While we were there, a homeless guy walked in to use the bathroom, and Alex said that the guy had been around for years. I wondered aloud if he was hungry, but Alex cautioned me against giving him food, because then he might follow me around. We talked a bit about the sadness of people who are homeless, and how they're all individuals with unique personalities and needs (it's sad that we even have to remind ourselves of that fact), and he softened a bit on his stance, and said that if I wanted to buy the homeless guy a meal, he wouldn't try to stop me. I didn't end up doing it, but I got a takeout container for the pancakes I didn't finish, and we drove around the parking lot looking for the homeless guy in case he wanted them. He seemed to have left the area, though.

Earlier, I had a shift at the crisis line, and I was talking to Alex on Facebook during part of it. We had this little exchange:

It's comforting that at least some of my friends see me as a kind and caring person. I haven't felt like "myself" in that regard as of late. (But ah, even if I feel less motivated and it's more of a struggle, this is when digging up compassion from the corners of my heart matters most!) The person I'm talking about having sympathy for is... someone I had a falling out with, but maybe we could be friends again someday. Alex doesn't have a high opinion of the person because of what I've told him about what happened between us.

On the way to my house we talked about the strangeness of coyotes, and I joked that Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner cartoons were parables about the purgatory-like existence of a creature who never learns from its mistakes and is doomed to an endless cycle of failure because of inflexible goals and an unwillingness to change. I don't know how I would classify that sort of "joke", but it's perhaps one of my favorite types of humor.

Even though we pretty much always watch TV when we get together (and we need to find a new show...), I'm really glad when we get a chance to just talk. It's nice to talk about things like ethics and philosophy with him. When he dropped me off at my house after hanging out, he said he had a really nice time with me, and I felt the same way. I hope we still talk regularly after I move.

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