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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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I forgot to title this for a whole day
Monday, August 28, 2017
Had to bike to the gym today because both cars were being used, but it worked out fine. Extra exercise, haha.

Ran 1 mile (9:31, lvl 1 incline) before C.S.I., then jogged a slow mile (10:00, lvl 1 incline) after class. Have been trying to run more slowly so that I can do more distance, but man, it gets so incredibly boring. I have to resist the urge to speed up the treadmill to at least an 8:34 minute pace, because I know if I do that it'll tire me out quicker. If I run as fast as I'd like then I tend to get chest pain for the first third to half of it, which sucks. I guess boredom is better than pain?

I feel like my brain's just about always buzzing with thoughts, and running kind of reallocates some of my energy so that I'm not thinking about as much, but it doesn't take enough that I'm completely immersed in the moment, and it's not so little that I can just space out and daydream or have a nice productive problem-solving session, either. It's just in the zone of boredom...

Although, speaking of daydreaming... The book I'm reading, Barking Up the Wrong Tree, cites research that apparently shows that daydreaming can sap your motivation to pursue your goals, because our brains aren't that great at telling the difference between fantasy and reality, so by daydreaming, we're in some part tricking our brains into thinking we already have what we want. It makes us feel nicer, but it also means we're not pushing as hard to achieve our goals. I thought that was pretty interesting. I'm not as much of a daydreamer as I used to be, and I think that I've become more productive since I stopped fantasizing as much, but that's just anecdotal evidence and I hadn't really thought about there being any connection before.

Also related to this book, I'm feeling like maybe I need to rethink my goals (or at least how to achieve them). I like to try to reassess what I think I want and how I'm going to get there every now and then, so that I'm not just chasing something that doesn't fit my situation. The book mentions a system for clarifying your goals and mapping out a plan to achieve them called WOOP, which is summarized as follows:
-What do you wish for?
-Visualize that and the outcome you want.
-What obstacle is in the way?
-What's your plan for overcoming that obstacle?

I'm trying to put what I want within this framework right now to get a better idea of what I might do specifically... Not going to write it here I think, at least not right now. Need more time to consider it. I have a lot of ideas about my internal goals (who I want to be, how I want to treat other people, etc.) but I don't devote as much time to my external goals. I guess my priorities there are a bit obvious, haha.


Mm... I miss my friend. Without him to talk to, I have a lot more time to read though, I guess... Not that I wouldn't be able to read if he were around, I just wouldn't really want to. I suppose that's just how I'm inclined, by default... when I get close to someone I don't want to do anything else but talk to them. They can't really "get in the way" because everything else (excepting other friends) fades into the background.

"Overpowered" by R�is�n Murphy.

A chemical reason
If reason's your game
A chemical needing
Is there in the brain

With pre-programmed meanings
Like a little more pep
Alien feelings
We have to accept

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Book group
Sunday, August 27, 2017
I really enjoyed the book group I went to today for Ethical Culture Society. Felt like I was scratching an itch for intellectual discussion. Prior to going, I felt slightly apprehensive because I was wondering if it was going to be more intellectual than I've been used to for awhile, as I really haven't had much in the way of in-depth intelligent conversation recently, but thankfully it wasn't like that. The discussion was very approachable, and I didn't feel out of my league even though everybody else there was probably around 20 or more years older than me. It was a small group, so everyone got a chance to talk.

It's hard to find people whom I can be both intellectual and silly with. I feel that I generally have to pick one or the other and stick with it. So, some people experience me as being pretty serious and thoughtful, and other people... not so much.

Didn't go to the gym today... It's been terribly hot the past couple days, and the heat is sapping my energy. I fell asleep after I got back from the book group, but woke up a few hours later because it was getting too warm in my room. I'm going to the gym tomorrow though for sure. Thinking maybe eating more will help with the lightheadedness. In better news, I don't seem to be getting exercise-induced rhinitis anymore, so yay! That was one of the things really putting me off running before. Getting sneezing fits after running was so annoying.

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Hasty generalization
Saturday, August 26, 2017
I went to the gym today.

1.75 mi (9:31 minute pace, lvl 1 incline), walked 0.25.
Squats (on Bosu, then off with weights), planks (60 sec, 2x), burpees w/ Bosu, tricep extensions, lat pull downs.

I don't know why, but I felt really just like... mentally exhausted after running, so I was doing everything else kind of slowly. Probably could have kept running but was getting a bit lightheaded so decided to stop and do other things. I had to keep stopping between exercises to just slowly walk around to try to get rid of the lightheadedness. >_>


Anyway, while I was running, I was thinking about hasty generalization, which is basically just jumping to conclusions before you have enough information. I've put in effort to not do this so much anymore, but it does sometimes manifest in small, subtle ways.

I don't know if anybody except for Kyle really remembers what I was like as a teenager, but I was pretty moody, irrational, and cynical. To some extent that's just typical for that age (teen angst!), but I have put in specific work to move away from how I was back then. I know Kyle and I had a number of arguments where I got emotional and upset and couldn't effectively argue my points, because... I didn't have points. I had feelings. It's nearly senseless to try to argue with someone who's coming from a position of emotionality, because they're unlikely to be able to absorb what you're saying. You have to take the time to calm them down first and then calmly lay out your argument clearly while explaining where you're coming from. Of course, as teenagers, Kyle and I didn't know this, so we just ended up frustrating each other on a few occasions.

When I'm in a negative highly emotional state I'm more susceptible to making hasty generalizations. This usually takes the form of "this is what I've encountered, so this is all there is." I feel like there's some more specific term for this but I can't for the life of me remember what it is. It's kind of a sampling bias, I suppose? Undue extrapolation based on a limited data set.

Examples of this include:
-Thinking that the only times people think of me are the ones they tell me about
-Thinking that because I've had lame relationships in the past, I'll only have lame relationships in the future (though this line of thought is countered by the uniformity of nature part of the problem of induction somewhat)

There's some negativity bias thrown in there as well, e.g. if I have 10 positive interactions with someone and 4 negative ones, it's easier to remember the negative interactions and fear the person won't like me anymore based on those. Unfortunately this one isn't contained to me; it's possible that the other person's negative memories will be more salient, which really would affect their feelings towards me.

Ways I try to counter this tendency:
-Reminding myself that there's always more to things than I'm seeing
-Holding conclusions very loosely, if at all, until I can get more direct confirmation
-Pushing myself to be open to the unexpected
-Paying extra attention to positive moments (though not at the expense of negative ones; I don't want the bias to swing in the other way)

Gotta have that extra voice in my head reminding me to be reasonable and not rush to action over limited data. I'm pretty cautious and prefer to wait to make decisions as much as possible, but in the heat of the moment those jumping-to-conclusions thoughts still come. At that point I just try to hold them back from affecting my behavior. Even if I can't stop their automatic generation all the time, I can still keep them contained, which I think is important.


An old favorite song from an old favorite band that came up on iTunes just now.

"I Concentrate On You" by Splitsville.

Words I write down in black and white
Still cannot describe how I feel
My mind's on fire, locked in overdrive
And there's only you at the wheel

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Cognitive biases [4P]
Friday, August 25, 2017
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Thursday, August 24, 2017
Ran 1 mile (lvl 1 incline, 0.8 at 9:40 min pace, 0.2 at 8 min pace), did Turbo Kick, ran another mile (lvl 1 incline, 0.6 at 9:13 min pace, 0.4 at 7:53 min pace).

There's a lot I'm thinking about, and stuff I want to write, but it's 4:30 AM and I think now is not the time. I'll get around to it later.

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What will they say when I'm dead? [4P]
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
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Annoying overreactions
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Had kind of a weird sensitive emotional day. It was kind of frustrating, because I kept feeling all these things and then reacting to stuff in what felt like an overly reactive way, and the part of me that usually tries to keep things steady felt like it was behind bars and just had to watch as the rest of me went on an emotional rampage. Like my voice of reason was trying to calm things down but couldn't reach, so I just had this tiny observational voice in my head going "wtf wtf wtf no no stop."

I kept doing things and saying things that I knew were obviously irrational or like... not constructive, and in the instant after they came out I was like "aaagh no why" but it kept happening... and I felt frustrated because I could see all my mistakes and where I was going wrong and what I should have avoided but I couldn't seem to get those feels under control. The friend I was talking to was nice about it but I still felt pretty terrible about it, since I'd normally do a better job of handling things.

Felt like if you were trying to make Thanksgiving dinner and you're just watching from behind your eyes like your body is a prison and it's burning the turkey and you're going "NO NO OH GOD TAKE THE TURKEY OUT" but your hands won't cooperate, and then you get control back as soon as the oven door opens and you can see the black turkey that you now have to serve to everyone.


In more positive news, I reconnected with my friend Noah today... Have kinda been catching up with him a little, although he's not too quick to respond since he's on mobile. He said he was glad that I messaged him and that he missed me, and that felt really nice. It's like, I care about this person and I want to know what's going on with him, and it feels good that it's not a completely asymmetrical thing. He asked what kind of music I've been listening to though, and I linked him a bunch of songs I liked and he wasn't into most of them, haha.

[11:02:45 PM] Noah: Dude I finished your Playlist those were some really mellow emo songs lol
[11:03:08 PM] Me: Haha, mellow in a good way?
[11:03:31 PM] Noah: No lol
[11:03:49 PM] Me: Aw

I asked him if he'd been making music, because in the past he sent me some songs he was working on and I liked them, but he hasn't shared anything with me (yet? Fingers crossed). I legitimately like his music and was listening to his demos a bunch earlier, so I hope he does send me more stuff.


Oh, and the biggest positive surprise of the day was a package that came in the mail... My mom was like "did you order something?" and I was like "No?" and opened it and... it was bird pajamas... With the note "You can't be sad if you're in bird pajamas!" There was no indication as to who sent it, but I heavily suspected that it came from Kyle (spoiler: it did). It was a silly gift and it made me smile. Now I have some warmer pajamas for winter... It's really nice to get these surprise presents from him. If it was just random stuff then it wouldn't mean that much to me, but he generally picks things pretty intentionally, so I get things like flannel sheets (my favorite!) and boxes of Goldfish (also my favorite!) which I really appreciate.

Anyway... I've been feeling pretty exhausted from all the emotional stuff, and I felt like I needed to sleep around five hours ago, but that was too early, so I just stayed up. I think it's late enough to go to sleep now, though.

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I should probably go to the gym daily [2P]
Monday, August 21, 2017
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