Had kind of a weird sensitive emotional day. It was kind of frustrating, because I kept feeling all these things and then reacting to stuff in what felt like an overly reactive way, and the part of me that usually tries to keep things steady felt like it was behind bars and just had to watch as the rest of me went on an emotional rampage. Like my voice of reason was trying to calm things down but couldn't reach, so I just had this tiny observational voice in my head going "wtf wtf wtf no no stop."

I kept doing things and saying things that I knew were obviously irrational or like... not constructive, and in the instant after they came out I was like "aaagh no why" but it kept happening... and I felt frustrated because I could see all my mistakes and where I was going wrong and what I should have avoided but I couldn't seem to get those feels under control. The friend I was talking to was nice about it but I still felt pretty terrible about it, since I'd normally do a better job of handling things.

Felt like if you were trying to make Thanksgiving dinner and you're just watching from behind your eyes like your body is a prison and it's burning the turkey and you're going "NO NO OH GOD TAKE THE TURKEY OUT" but your hands won't cooperate, and then you get control back as soon as the oven door opens and you can see the black turkey that you now have to serve to everyone.

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In more positive news, I reconnected with my friend Noah today... Have kinda been catching up with him a little, although he's not too quick to respond since he's on mobile. He said he was glad that I messaged him and that he missed me, and that felt really nice. It's like, I care about this person and I want to know what's going on with him, and it feels good that it's not a completely asymmetrical thing. He asked what kind of music I've been listening to though, and I linked him a bunch of songs I liked and he wasn't into most of them, haha.

[11:02:45 PM] Noah: Dude I finished your Playlist those were some really mellow emo songs lol
[11:03:08 PM] Me: Haha, mellow in a good way?
[11:03:31 PM] Noah: No lol
[11:03:49 PM] Me: Aw

I asked him if he'd been making music, because in the past he sent me some songs he was working on and I liked them, but he hasn't shared anything with me (yet? Fingers crossed). I legitimately like his music and was listening to his demos a bunch earlier, so I hope he does send me more stuff.

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Oh, and the biggest positive surprise of the day was a package that came in the mail... My mom was like "did you order something?" and I was like "No?" and opened it and... it was bird pajamas... With the note "You can't be sad if you're in bird pajamas!" There was no indication as to who sent it, but I heavily suspected that it came from Kyle (spoiler: it did). It was a silly gift and it made me smile. Now I have some warmer pajamas for winter... It's really nice to get these surprise presents from him. If it was just random stuff then it wouldn't mean that much to me, but he generally picks things pretty intentionally, so I get things like flannel sheets (my favorite!) and boxes of Goldfish (also my favorite!) which I really appreciate.

Anyway... I've been feeling pretty exhausted from all the emotional stuff, and I felt like I needed to sleep around five hours ago, but that was too early, so I just stayed up. I think it's late enough to go to sleep now, though.

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