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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I don't know. I just needed a title.

Cici has been coming out of the cage on her own rather frequently as of late. My brother complained that she was wandering around the house when I wasn't home, and that he had to put her back in the cage. I honestly don't really have a problem with that, as long as she doesn't get hurt or we can't find her. Budgie droppings are easy to clean up and don't smell bad, so that's not a big deal at all.

Oh, well she just went back inside. Guess she had enough of sitting on top of the cage.

The past few days I've been in a mildly bad mood. I don't even really feel bad or anything, but I just don't want to... socialize. Alice wasn't helping at all. She was sort of in a playful/annoying mood, so she kept telling me I should stop judging her, and that I was so judgemental all the time. (I know it's spelled 'judgmental' in American English, Google Chrome, but I don't give a damn)

I know it's just her joking around, but I'm finding this particular mock-complaint rather irritating. I understand that some of the joke may be that she herself is pretty judgemental, so she's being a hypocrite, but it's just not working for me at all. Maybe I'd prefer if she used sarcastic tones instead of playfully pleading ones. I don't know. Probably not, really. When she's sarcastic she can come off as really bitter and selfish, which I don't really like either.

Today she was complaining that her mom won't let her spend her own money. The discussion moved on to money and savings in general, and Erika commented that she only had to pay $45 for her classes total, excluding books, because she had gotten some sort of special grant or something, since she and her mother have no income. Alice... pretty much ignored that, and wondered aloud if she could get the same deal, since she doesn't work anymore. (She goes horseback riding instead...) She told us that she has about $100,000 in her college fund, which is a hell of a lot more than I have, and I think Erika might be doing Work-Study.

Alice kept talking about how her parents won't let her buy clothes anymore, and how they don't approve anything she wants to buy, except for a $400 leather jacket...

She sounded pretty much like a spoiled brat the entire time, and I wasn't in the mood to hear it.

It's not really that she's being excessively inconsiderate to me personally, since my family has enough to get by right now, but I really didn't think it was appropriate in any way for her to be complaining about her "problems" like that when we were talking to Erika.

When I think about it, I actually have a pretty negative view of my best friend. You'd think this would be more of an issue, since her personality actually contains a lot of elements that I'm strongly opposed to in my personal values system, but somehow it doesn't come up that often.

So tired lately.


I can never get over the weirdness of rediscovering old profiles on the internet. I signed up for a bunch of different sites when I was thirteen, and every now and then I run into them again and have absolutely no recollection of the things I've put there. I feel like an internet squirrel, burying nuts everywhere and forgetting them.

Nothing I've buried has grown into a tree, though.

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Sunday, April 17, 2011
"Shrikes are passerine birds known for their habit of catching other birds and small animals and impaling the uneaten portions of their bodies on thorns."


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Aural accosting
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Wow, I'm totally dominating the Top 10 Readings section this month. :S

Well let's see... TODAY.

Jasper and I had planned to go to the Original Pancake House at 12:30, but I woke up at around 10 AM or so, so I went to the farmers market and library with my dad and brother. My brother is learning to drive, so he drove on the way there. Meanwhile, I was quietly having a panic attack in the backseat. Thankfully though, he did not kill us! I am very glad for that.

We got a bunch of kiwi(s?), and my brother got a "sweet strawberry tamale" at one of the stalls. It turns out that the tamale isn't filled with strawberries, as we had assumed, but is instead solid red corn-stuff. Basically like there was just not filling and it was entirely the outer tamale part. He was not pleased. XD

I got a strange CD called "Acid in the Style of David Tudor" from the library. Listening to it right now. Very bizarre. :S It's not really... music... per se... Kind of just a sequence of odd beeps and blips and thumps. I feel like I'm listening to an iDose track again...

Anyway... Jasper was late, so we didn't go to the Pancake House until around 1:15. We both got omelets (because they have delicious omelets, of course). I ate all my pancakes and saved most of the giant (plate-sized) omelet for later, as is my custom. SUCH DELICIOUS SANDWICHES I SHALL MAKE.

After pancakes, we drove back to my house, then walked to the park and traveled along the creek. There's actually some water in it now, though, so we didn't go through the Hall of Stone. Perhaps another time...

Climbed back up to street level, and then walked to this asian drink place nearby. I ordered something called an Icy, and asked for carambola flavor. The cashier didn't speak English very well, so I guess she misheard me. When my order came up, it was brown and tasted like coffee. I was perplexed, as you can imagine. Jasper suggested I go back and tell her she gave me the wrong thing, which I did. Somehow, even saying "carambola" slowly, with emphasis on each syllable, didn't work. Finally I told her the number, and then she got it.

Sadly, the supposedly carambola-flavored Icy was not really better than the coffee one. In fact, it was horrible. SO HORRIBLE. It tasted NOTHING like starfruit (another name for carambola). In fact, it tasted like salty plums. (Chinese people might understand what I'm saying here) I gave some to Jasper and he decided it tasted like handsoap with added sugar and salt.

It was all weird and perfume-y and overall just nasty. Never again. I think I'm just stupid or something, honestly. I go to these asian places and see something that looks interesting, and think to myself "wow, that looks cool! I'll try that!" and it turns out to be gross every time. It's like with that nasty super sized Pink Valentine drink I had awhile ago that tasted like rose-flavored milk. TOTAL NASTINESS.

Thankfully this doesn't happen too frequently. NEXT TIME I'LL TRY NOT TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE.

We headed back toward the park and met up with Alice and Joanna, and chucked a Frisbee at each other. None of us were very good at it. I think we each caught it like... once. The rest of the time the Frisbee was either going over our heads, falling on the ground a few feet from the thrower, or just whizzing off in a random direction. Fun times. After a bit, Alice and co. started talking about video games, which bored me immensely.

[I'm still listening to this weird Acid CD. Gonna be honest here, I wouldn't recommend this to anyone.]

Eventually I poked Alice in the arm, said "we're ditching you, bye," and walked back to my house with Jasper. There, we parted ways, and that is the end of the happenings today.

Apparently I've been listening to this terrible "music" for almost twenty minutes already. Holy moly. I keep thinking there'll be something good if I listen long enough, but so far I just feel like shards of noise are stabbing me in the face.

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The Game of Implications
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I don't know where this is going. Well, I mean, it doesn't have to go anywhere, really.

Discussed with ES Guy today how Alice and Jasper think I come off as flirty. He said he didn't think that.

We talked about death and depression, and life. He seems to have pretty typical views on the subjects. (Boring)

"Life is good! Death and depression are bad!"

Blah blah.

He also talked about singing. He's asked me before if I sing along with songs when I'm by myself. I answered truthfully (which is to say I said yes, I do). Today he was asking if he could hear me sing. I said I sound horrible (I can't carry a tune), and he talked about how females are supposed to have evolved to have "enticing" voices or something. I laughed, but said I didn't sing in front of other people. He was sort of playfully disappointed, and said "I'm never going to hear you sing, am I?"

Jasper's conclusion: HE LIKES MEH.

I guess it doesn't really matter... mostly I should just be worried about attracting guys who would take it badly if I wasn't interested in them... People who are fine either way shouldn't be an issue, right?

Oh also I thought I lost my phone today while I was biking to school, but my dad found it (and my chapstick!), so I was mildly worried for nothing!

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This is a really stupid problem
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Disclaimer: I have no proof that this is true in some cases. I'm going off opinions mostly.


I feel like I can't make platonic male friends. Or rather, I can, but it doesn't stay mutually platonic.

The dude I was hanging with for awhile started to bug me. He's boring and he talks a lot, and I recently found out that he's sorta weirdly clingy. Yesterday he called me (I'd been avoiding him a bit) to ask if something was up. Was I mad at him? Did he bore me? (Yes, yes he did, but etiquette dictates that I am not allowed to say that) When I told him I didn't feel like we had a good friendship dynamic and that I didn't enjoy hanging out with him, he was really insistent that he wanted to keep me as a friend and still hang out. I should've just said "HELL NO." Instead, I was my typical "I can't bear to punch you with rejection" self and said okay, but I would only hang out in group settings. He seemed disheartened, but agreed to it. Oh, and he also said he thought that I had gotten the wrong idea from his giving gifts to me (which is true; his actions there sent a very bad message). I told him I didn't feel it was appropriate, since I didn't consider us very close. He got kinda defensive (but in normal tones, I guess... not utterly whiny) and said he just gives gifts to his friends. Whatever, dude.

Obviously Jasper asked me out awhile ago, but he's been much more laid back about it. I'm still cool with hanging out with him. When I told him about my issues with the aforementioned dude, he said something to the effect of "well, you're attractive, interesting, and single. It's not surprising he likes you."

Annnnnnnnnnnd after some discussion with Alice, it's possible that ES class guy might like me as well. No proof on this one, though. He's very nice, of course, but I'm trying to assume that's all it is. It's true that we've discussed our views on dating (not each other, but in general), but I figured that was neutral, not laced with hidden implications. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK THOUGH, GAH. Alice thinks we were flirting (although she wasn't there, just to clarify, so my retelling of the events could've skewed her impression of the situation)

I think that if I could talk to myself, aged a few years younger, the younger me would say "wow, you're complaining about that? I WISH guys were interested in me!"

Right now I don't have very many friends. I'd like the friendships I have to be uncontaminated by possible romantic feelings on one end. I've never been the type to be all "single life is freakin' FANTASTIC, I wanna be single FOREVER," but right now I just don't think I have the energy to deal with a relationship. Hence my withdrawal from the dating pool... or at least my attempt to do so.

Somewhere out there, people have real problems, and if they were to read this, they would shake their heads and sigh.


I need a t-shirt that says everything about what I find amusing in a few easily readable words so I can stop being tempted to buy shirts online constantly.

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Too much dubstep
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Last night, I attended what I'm fairly certain was my first rave. It was actually pretty fun! There were lots of people dressed up in interesting ways, and the music was acceptable to dance to. Mostly.

Beforehand, we went and got dinner at this vegan soul food place. It was pretty awesome. I guess the cuisine was like, cajun style? But vegan. We got the "everything plate", which had fried okra, red beans and rice (cost extra), collard greens, corn bread, lentils, mac and cheese, fried tofu, barbeque tofu, potato salad, yams, and... this other bean thing. I found out that fried okra tastes basically like fried pickles, except not sour. It was quite enjoyable. :3 Too bad the restaurant is in Oakland... SAN JOSE HAS NOTHING GOOD IN IT. >:0

When we got to the actual music event, which we didn't know was a rave at first, it was pretty empty. They wouldn't let us go back outside, though, unless we paid the... bouncer dudes. Jasper tried to say one of us left our medication in the car (real smooth, man...), but they didn't fall for it (who would?). Eventually it picked up, though, and there were enough people for dancing not to be weird. They played WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too much dubstep. Now, I can handle dubstep in short spurts, but really... new dubstep all sounds the same. Old dubstep is more individualistic, at least. The new stuff has the same filthy dropping beat in every song. It's annoying.

I danced in public for the first time since seventh grade! Chances are I looked totally spastic, but that's fine. Not like anyone was watching me anyway. Hopefully.

No pictures, I'm afraid. I looked at the Facebook page for the event though and this girl posted the pictures she took. Link is HERE if you're interested. I gotta say, the lights didn't look nearly as cool in real life as they do in her pictures. It just looked kinda weird with the people twirling their fingers around...

My voice was hoarse afterwards/today from all the shouting I had to do just to talk to Angie and Jasper. Also, I was slightly deafened by the loud music. My hearing seems to have returned to normal today, though. (Yay)

I would totally go to another rave! It was lots of fun except for the excessive amount of dubstep, and I probably got at least a little exercise, jumpin' around like that. My feet/calves are sore today, but somehow I survived with no blisters. :D


Today I volunteered at the Green Festival in San Francisco. I was helping out with the bike valet. Basically we just parked people's bikes and watched them while their owners went to the festival. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. I was there for like... five hours. :|

BUT! I got free admission to the festival, as well as a free t-shirt. And I bought some things! Here's a list of the loot I had by the end of my moseying:

-Various samples of Dr. Bronner products
-Tiny samples of shampoo, conditioner, and lotion from... some other people
-A coupon for $1 off Mamma Chia drinks (they were weird tasting... but they grew on me after my third sample)
-A rainbow headband/bandanna/scrunchie
-Giraffe socks
-A PETA recipe pamphlet
-Random business cards

I also ate lots of organic/fair trade chocolate samples and a potato spinach knish. BURNING HOT DELICIOUSNESS.

Walking the few blocks to CalTrain kind of sucked, since my legs hurt, but the ride home was fine. I had my iPod, so the guys near me who talked about Yu-Gi-Oh! the entire time didn't bother me. They reminded me strongly of my brother's friends, though...

Finally, I'm going hiking tomorrow with my friend (I guess?) from my ES class last quarter! Alice was invited but she will be hiking with someone else, somewhere else, unfortunately. :|

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What I learned today
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Prostitution is legal in Nevada.

MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION EVER!? I guess, if you've really hit a financial dead end.............

Other than that though, my Women in Crime book is boring as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

You get the point.

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Just two more days...
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
And the first week of school shall be finished.

And then there are like... ten more. Or something. I dunno.

Dance-errific, guys.

Wish I had those kinds o' moves.

I succumbed to a nap earlier today, which is why I am still on the ol' computer at 11:10 PM, when I SHOULD be in bed so I can get a nice eight hours of sleep in before I have to wake up at 6:45 AM. Man, I used to be so GOOD at this in high school. College, St. John's, ya screwed me over, man.

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