Home | Join! | Help | Browse | Forums | NuWorld | NWF | PoPo   
Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bug
Buttersafe
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
DUBBLEBABY
Eat That Toast!
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Owen's Uncles
Phuzzy Comics
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scary Go Round
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Broodhollow
Bullfinch
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Chainsawsuit
Conspiracy Friends!
Daisy is Dead
Distillum
Dream Life
Dumm Comics
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
Intragalactic
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
Moon Town
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream
Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Fogeys
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Mirror
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Got my hoodie back
Monday, May 5, 2014
Well, turns out that he did have my hoodie after all. He gave it back, along with another (much briefer) note saying he wasn't ready to talk and didn't know if he ever would be. Apparently he's starting a blog. I don't know if I want to look at it though. If it's anything like the letters/email he's sent me then it probably doesn't have much good to say about me. At the moment I'm not much interested in criticism from someone who remembers our shared history in a very skewed and frankly bizarre way at times. And anyway, Kyle thinks it's better if I don't check up on my ex.

I have thought a bit about some of the criticisms he had (has?) about me. For instance, in the email he sent he mentioned that I never appreciated anything he did. I honestly don't know if he actually believes that or if he's just exaggerating, but I did appreciate him. Not in all the ways he wanted me to, certainly, but to say I never appreciated anything is rather insulting. Although I have hidden the posts about him on my blog now, they were quite positive and appreciative. I guess if he'd bothered to read my blog more before we broke up he might have realized that. Too late now though.

---

I'm getting a little bored with OKC. I had a few regular conversations going on there, but I've moved those people to Skype, so there's not much for me to do on the site now. One of the people I moved to Skype is pretty interesting, though. I don't know if I'd quite say we connect on a deep level, but we seem to relate on certain things, which is nice. He reminds me a little of Max, an OKC friend I talked to a lot when I was at St. John's. We talked about the nature of communication and friendship and things like that. With my ex I always kind of felt like I couldn't talk to him about anything deep. I don't know if there was a good reason for that feeling, but the nature of our relationship just didn't make me feel comfortable discussing my views on things. I guess it goes back to trust. Why reveal the deep parts of yourself to someone you don't trust? Then again, why stay with someone you don't trust for 2.5 years?

Sometimes I think about what he did and I feel like he cut off one of my legs. Not literally, obviously, but it's a reasonable enough metaphor in some ways. He took something I couldn't get back, and I felt damaged and resigned to stay with him. I know this is a horrible attitude to have but it doesn't matter now, not really. Probably what made it worst was that if I tried to talk to him about it, he just cried and I had to comfort him. Imagine someone cutting off your leg and then being so upset about it that you have to pretend you're not in pain to make them feel better. And then they just go about their business as if they never did anything to you.

There are times when I wish I could go back and stop myself from ever getting into a relationship with him, so that I could keep my metaphorical leg. My biggest regret is not protecting myself better. At the same time though, the burden wasn't really on me to do that. I think now that we're separated I have more of a chance to get over what happened since I don't have to worry about keeping him from feeling bad.

I know that problems are separate, and just because someone did something worse to you doesn't mean that nothing you do to them matters, but it doesn't keep me from feeling incredulous that he would complain about some of the things he did. It felt like he cut off my leg and then complained that I made him fall down and skin his knee. And then, of course, I had to hug him and make him feel better about his skinned knee. And deal with him when he said I couldn't walk with him the way he wanted.

I feel like I'll never understand how what happened came to be. I told him I was vulnerable in that way and he pretty much dismissed it, even took advantage of it. More and more I'm reaching the conclusion that he just didn't take me seriously. He dismissed a lot of the things I knew as just academic theory because I don't have as much "real life" experience as him. He would tell me he respected me for being smart and doing well at school, and then disregard pretty much anything I've learned if I tried to apply it to our lives. Either we have very different ideas of what respect is, or he did not respect me.

Respect always was a problem between us.

Well here I am now, a girl missing a fundamental part of herself. A metaphorical amputee. All I can have is hope for the future. I know there must be someone out there who won't take parts of me away and then make me feel like I'm lucky to have them despite it. "I may have cut off your leg, but don't you think you should appreciate that you can use me as a crutch?"

I don't know. I feel angry and sad and confused. The same confusion I've had for nearly 2.5 years. It's almost 3 AM and that's probably not helping.
0 Comments.

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.

randomjunk's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

NuTang is the first web site to implement PPGY Technology. This page was generated in 0.260seconds.

  Send to a friend on AIM | Set as Homepage | Bookmark Home | NuTang Collage | Terms of Service & Privacy Policy | Link to Us | Monthly Top 10s
All content � Copyright 2003-2047 NuTang.com and respective members. Contact us at NuTang[AT]gmail.com.