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Memores acti prudentes futuri


It feels like gouging out my eyes
illuminate and open wide
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Owen's Uncles
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Car talk/laughter
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
I think we've spent at least a couple hours every time we've hung out just sitting in his car and chatting. It's comfortable.

Today while IMing via Discord we started just describing how we were reacting in amusement instead of typing "haha" or "lol" and it was entertaining.

(Talking about theories of why tall guys like short girls)
[11:53 PM] Me: It could also be that from your height, shorter girls have that flattering Myspace angle perspective
[11:53 PM] Him: my mouth didn't open to laugh, but air exited my nostrils at a rate such that there was an audible "whooosh" sort of sound
[11:54 PM] Him: yeah when i hang with you, i feel like i'm interacting with a myspace profile
[11:54 PM] Me: I'm like quietly laughing hard
[11:54 PM] Me: My mirth is audible
[11:55 PM] Him: XD
[11:55 PM] Him: i live to make mirth audible
[11:56 PM] Me: Another hard quiet laugh that slipped into an amused smile
[11:57 PM] Him: a smirk overtook the lower portion of my face, only disappearing after my facial muscles were noticeably tense
[11:59 PM] Me: Low volume laugh that became silent but was still animated, accompanied by closed eyes and holding my hand to my face to steady myself

It felt weird, but the weirdness of it made it funny, I guess? The descriptions gave a lot more personality to the reactions.

---

I had my orientation for the new school today too. Felt better about it than the last orientation. I'm going on a four day retreat on Thursday for one of my classes, during which I guess we'll be doing intensive group work all day every day, so I might have something to say about that once I get back...

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More hours
Friday, January 5, 2018
Last time, we talked about lending each other books. This time, we did. He picked me up at 11:30 and I brought my copy of The Disaster Artist for him to read. He brought Arsène Schrauwen for me. We went and got falafel, then drove up to Stanford and looked at the art museum there until it closed. We had a compatible way of museum-going, I felt. A good mixture of seriously talking about the art and joking about it. I think my favorite part of the museum was this really dark room that had audio of Neil Armstrong's moon walk playing. The idea was that the darkness would be disorienting and stuff, I guess? We stayed in there for awhile, nervously walking with hands outstretched at first, but once we got a sense of the dimensions of the room, it felt a lot less scary.

After the museum, we got dinner and walked around a mall. It was nice, and we wandered through a few shops, commenting on various items. Went into a trendy pop up underwear store to see whether the underwear was really worth the hefty price tag. He concluded that it might be, because of how soft it was. I'm still not so sure. $16 for one pair... better be amazing at that price. We also went into Williams and Sonoma as they were closing up shop, and pretended to carefully consider which knives to buy. He picked one up and I mentioned that I briefly had the thought, "what if he stabbed me with that?" Later in his car, we joked about asking the employees for their recommendations on which knife would be best to stab someone.

It was raining lightly, and we sat in the car and talked for some time. Through the fogged up, rain-spattered window, the lights outside looked like long arcs. I'd never seen anything like it before.

Now we have made a deal: He will send me a drawing, and I will write a poem about it.

What will come out of this?

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Pleasant few hours
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Met up with someone new tonight. He was cool. Didn't look at his phone the whole time we hung out, which I liked. We met at a cafe around 6, and I didn't think it was going to be super long, so I told my parents I'd be home for dinner. Ended up staying out until like 11:30pm, whoops! I had a good time with him, though. We sat in the cafe until it closed, then got Mexican food from a food truck and ate it in his car and talked for a couple more hours. He was cuter than I was expecting... Unfortunately very tall though. >_> Guh. Gonna make plans to hang out again soon! I'm sad there's no art walk this Friday, or I'd ask him if he wanted to go to that...

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YNALTTAYAR
Saturday, December 30, 2017
"Summer" by The Blow.

I don't know, but I keep expecting the lyrics to go differently than they do... The third line is what my brain thinks it's going to be.
I keep calling up your number but there's nobody there
You're like a pinball wizard with a wave in your hair
You keep acting like you love me but I know you don't care
I saw your heart crack open and its spell(?) in the air


---

We went to the Getty today. I mostly looked at an exhibit of Argentinian photography. It was strangely emotional. Kind of wish I'd had more time to look, but we only spent a couple hours at the museum. It was pretty crowded because of the holidays, so not really optimal for me anyway though. I don't like being around that many people when I'm trying to look at art.

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Maybe I should take that back
Friday, December 29, 2017
Mood is definitely low tonight.

I'm in SoCal visiting my aunt's house. It's... a very large house. Something above 6000 sq ft. I wouldn't want to live in a house like this. The funny thing is, it's barely more expensive than my house. >_>

My social energy feels so drained. I don't feel like meeting new people or making connections, but at the same time, I really want to have someone to talk to regularly. I miss when Kyle and I used to talk every day, back when we were teenagers. I don't feel like I've really had anything like that since. Seems like the only way to get that is to have some kind of romantic potential involved. A relationship would be nice, but the start up cost feels overwhelming to me right now. Thinking about dating is just paralyzing to the point where I don't want to bother.

I keep having the urge to talk to my mom about these problems, but recently my brother came home when I was talking to her about my attempts to meet people, and he butted into the conversation and ranted about how easy I have it as a girl and how hard it is for guys. My mom and I both raised objections, but he didn't care, of course. It's almost impossible to get through to him because he discounts anything that doesn't support his views as an exception to the rule, or confirmation bias.

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Maybe I'll try to write more
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
I feel like my recent dearth of blog posts has accompanied a general feeling of complacency. Mood is not particularly low, but I just... don't feel driven to do much.

Oh, and I found out that I accidentally lost 7 lbs, probably because I haven't been eating enough. Whoops. Sadly it's likely just muscle mass from not the combo of not eating enough and not working out because I got sick and stopped going to the gym for awhile. Trying to get back into it, though. Went to the gym yesterday and stayed for two classes even though the second class was a horrendous country music dance class. Guh, it was so awful. I've been pretty sore today, but I ended up walking five miles at a meetup anyway, so now my feet hurt in addition to my legs. Yayyyyyy...

Going down south tomorrow. Hoping to see a couple friends there, but I'm not sure what the plan is just yet.

Have been chatting with various people on OKC, and might meet up with more soon, but nothing too interesting just yet. Hung out with that dude from Sunday again and we went to the avian vet and looked at the budgies there. They had some up for adoption and I really wanted to adopt a couple, because they were so cute and I loved them immediately, but I haven't got the right setup in my house for birds at the moment... Plus I would need to take a bird care class with Mickaboo and have them do a home visit and stuff to adopt... But once those things are out of the way, if I can afford to, I'd really love to get more budgies. I miss having birds so much. Things just haven't felt the same since I lost Romeo and Cici. Feels like I need something to love again.

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Holidays are stressful
Monday, December 25, 2017
I got up early to make food for Christmas and felt stressed out because it took longer than anticipated and didn't come out quite right. Everybody else was just sleeping or on the computer or playing games. I had like four hours of sleep and no food until 1 pm. Probably made me more susceptible to stress. I don't remember the last time I actually enjoyed a holiday, though. Like, legitimately enjoyed one, rather than just getting through it. A few years ago, maybe? My mom also wants me to draw up a family newsletter to send out... I haven't done any comics for a long time, but I guess I'm supposed to do a whole bunch now. Not feeling enthusiastic about it.

No presents. Maybe my family just isn't doing that anymore. We didn't decorate, either. Not even a tree. I don't know why. Maybe nobody cares. I don't think I would have been bothered by any of this if my mom didn't insist on playing Christmas music all day every day for the past like... week or two. The lack of presents and tree was a little sad, but the Christmas music made me want to scream, especially since she put on a Pandora Christmas playlist that kept playing country songs for some godforsaken reason.

Since my family apparently didn't buy into capitalistic gift-giving traditions this year, I got a couple games for myself on Steam. I've been avoiding spending any money, but I figured a few bucks wouldn't kill me. Looking forward to Where They Cremate the Roadkill the most. John Clowder's work has never failed to awe me.

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Saw some birds
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Met up with that dude. Saw some birds. Walked around for a couple hours. It was a thing. He has ADD and told me about how he spent a year at a school that specialized in handling disorders like that, so he learned a lot of focusing techniques (but still needs medication for work). Didn't take any pictures of birds. We saw some gophers or something though, which was interesting. Also failed spectacularly at identifying birds, but it was fun to try.

I've been reading about rare fruit gardening on this website and it seems really interesting and like something I might want to check out? Between the birding and ECS though, adding gardening to my list might push me too deep into old people hobby territory. >.> Oh well. Sadly it looks like the next meeting for the local chapter of this organization is right when I have to be at the intensive for my grad program, so I guess I can't go. Maybe I'll be able to check it out someday, though.

It's interesting to be... interested in doing things. To have hobbies again. I think the last time I was able to list hobbies without difficulty was when I was a teenager. I mean, I've been interested in plenty of things since, but only for a few days, really. Things just don't stick. I really like birding though, and I want to get better at it. I should get a birds of Northern California book to help me out... Might have to wait until I have more money though.

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