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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Lost my voice
Monday, January 5, 2015
So I've kind of lost my voice from being sick. Virtually every other word I say comes out kind of whispery, and everything else just sounds hoarse and quiet.

I went out for food with Fro, Vicky, and Sean today, and Frosan said I sounded cute. She also gave me a Christmas gift... a t-shirt with a picture of a kitten and text that says "i will end u."

Sort of unrelated to that, I was going through Sean's Tumblr and thought this was cute:

School starts tomorrow! I hope I feel more or less better by then.

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Updatin' computer things
Saturday, January 3, 2015
So, I put Windows 7 on my computer today. Man, that was a huge pain. It wouldn't install right at first, and then once we got it working, it took a bit for me to figure out how to customize stuff to my liking. I'm really picky about that, I guess. Everything was too big at first... Managed to make things smaller for the most part, but they still seem really far apart in some ways. Also Google Drive seems to have set itself up on my desktop and I'm not sure if that just came along with Chrome and I didn't notice, or what. One thing I guess I do like about Windows 7 versus Windows XP is that I can have a slideshow of pictures as my desktop background... I know I'm totally late to the game with this one but it was a pleasant surprise when I put a picture of my boyfriend and me as the background and it just started scrolling through a bunch of pictures of us together.

Anyway, I've been reinstalling all my programs since then.

I guess today's sort of been more eventful than usual. My friend called me earlier tonight, very upset. She was worried her dad was kicking her out of the house and cutting her off financially... I told her to come to my house and that she could stay here. She arrived sometime later, still pretty upset, and explained what had happened. I guess there was a lot of miscommunication between her and her dad, but in any case, we don't know exactly what's going to happen yet. She can stay at my house as long as she needs to, but hopefully this will be resolved before too long.

I made her some food and set up a bed for her, and she kept saying she was sorry for imposing and that she would try not to stay here too long. I told her it was fine, but still, she was extremely apologetic.

Not too long ago she kinda flaked on some plans we'd made to hang out, and I thought about that while I was making the bed. When she came over tonight she admitted that she'd bailed on me then to hang out with a guy she was seeing. Confessing that to me probably just made her feel more guilty. I told her it was okay, though, and I'd just appreciate it if she'd let me know earlier if she didn't want to hang out anymore.

I guess situations like this probably factor into people telling me that I'm too nice. Like I think I've said before though, I'm not sure I think it's possible to be too nice. A pushover, maybe, but that's not the same as being nice... Or maybe this isn't about niceness, but forgiveness? Or are those related? I dunno. Supposedly being able to truly forgive contributes to happiness. It makes sense-- holding onto grudges doesn't do you much good, after all. And I do feel pretty happy, all things considered. My life is pretty good right now. I hope 2015 stays this way. :)


Often I feel like I'm not a "truly" nice person because it still occurs to me that I could do things that aren't nice, but I wonder if that's really a legitimate feeling. I mean, it's sort of similar to that argument my Perspectives on Christianity prof made at St. John's about faith not being faith if you've never doubted the existence of god. Out of everything from my classes there that's what stuck with me the most, even though I don't believe in any deities. That idea that the it's the choices you make that are significant, not your natural inclinations...

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Surprisingly enjoyable late night conversations
Friday, January 2, 2015
I had a ~2.5 hour conversation with a friend(?) on Facebook tonight. (It's 3:30AM, so let's pretend it's still Thursday)

Not really sure if friend is the right word or not since we don't know each other thattttt well. "Acquaintance" doesn't seem exactly right either though.

I'm not exactly sure what kind of social relationship we have. Friend of friend of a friend?? In any case it was interesting. He's a psych major too and we talked a bit about that, and about some other things like imposter syndrome and self-handicapping and whether it's possible for any given person to lead a happy life.

He also apparently writes creatively, and was working on something involving superheroes during our conversation. My interest in superheroes is pretty close to zero, but he said he'd be interested in hearing about what I'm writing if I want to bounce ideas off him, so maybe that'll happen. We'll see.

(Is this how people make friends?)

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Thursday, January 1, 2015
I had a very laid back New Year's Eve. Some family friends came over and we had cheese fondue, and my friend Gwenny gave me a very thoughtful, if... mildly preachy letter. I've really appreciated some of the things she's given me.

We also went to the Exploratorium earlier in the day, where I saw this:

(Sorry, I couldn't find a better quality version on Youtube)

I thought it was a nice short film.

How strange, to think it's another year already. But then again, time always seems strange to me. I have no resolutions for 2015, but I think it's off to a decent start.

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Hangout things
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
I saw some friends today for the first time in a couple weeks. Vicky and Alex met me at the mall and we hung out there, then went to a different mall and met up with Sean to see Into the Woods. Sean had some gripes about it because he knew the original show and the movie left out some of his favorite parts, but otherwise I think it was okay. I probably wouldn't watch it again though. Also the wolf, played by Johnny Depp, was extremely creepy and had some serious pedophile/sex trafficker vibes. We were all laughing about that for awhile, as well as possibly annoying other moviegoers with our laughter. :P

After the movie we came back to my house and chatted for awhile. I showed them some of the things in my OKC folder, which is basically full of screenshots of amusing conversations and weird profiles and stuff, and we talked about all sorts of things. Vicky was mortified by some of the subjects, amusingly enough, and she sort of hid inside her jacket hood while the rest of us laughed. I was... disturbed by some of the other topics, but overall it was a good time. Alex seemed pretty tired towards the end of the night though, so Sean took both of them home a bit after midnight. I would've helped except that I probably would've gotten lost on the way back, since I don't have GPS and I seem to have developed a talent for getting lost when I'm driving.

It's past 2 AM now and I feel super tired so I guess it's bedtime! I feel fairly pleased over little nice things. Maybe I'll have good dreams. :)

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Holidayish picture post [3P]
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Eep eep over a week [3P]
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Weekend stuffs
Monday, December 15, 2014
So I visited Kyle this past weekend. I took BoltBus there and back. The trip down was pretty comfortable, but on the trip home my back hurt for some reason so it wasn't as good.

Friday I bused down after working at the nursery. The bus stopped at a rest stop halfway through and I got some semi-disappointing potato wedges for 99 cents. When I got to LA Kyle picked me up and we went back to his house, then waited for his girlfriend to come home so we could go out and watch a movie. I picked Nightcrawler and it was surprisingly not terrible. I can't remember the last time I saw a movie in theatres that I didn't have any particular gripes about. Usually the most praise I can give is "It was a solid movie without too many plotholes," but I thought this one was pretty decent actually.

On Saturday we got Indian food and went to Boomers. I'd never heard of Boomers before, but apparently it's a "family entertainment center" that has different stuff to do. We played mini golf and some Korean ripoff of DDR, as well as this game that had 3D, air, and motion effects and something called a panic sensor that's supposed to measure your heart rate as you play. I'm not sure how accurate it was, but it was fun. When I got home I told my mom about it and apparently there's a Boomers up here, but far enough away that my family has never gone (hence my unawareness of its existence).

After Boomers we went back to Kyle's house and I took a nap while he walked his scary dog. The dog is just... too up-in-your-business for my taste. I guess that's most dogs though. I'd rather have pets that will leave me alone. Kyle's dog follows everyone around and also growled/barked at me when I went to use the bathroom. And I think it got dog hair on all my clothes, so it's a good thing my brother isn't home or he'd probably have had a hard time when I got back.

Saturday night Kyle's friends came over for a belated birthday celebration for his girlfriend... They were... interesting, I guess. Made a lot of racist jokes. Everybody but Kyle and I played this drinking game where you watch a movie and put a hat on the corner of the TV, and every time it looks like someone is wearing the hat, you take a drink. They also put another hat on the other side and Kyle suggested that if two people were wearing hats at the same time, people would have to take shots. He thought that was unlikely to happen much but I think it happened more than three times. Probably any movie that has closeups of dramatic dialogue will do that though. We were watching Van Helsing, so... yeah.

Also got pizza from Mountain Mike's. The only other time I can really remember eating pizza from there was when I was editing the literature magazine at my school one quarter, and I thought the pizza was awful then. This time it wasn't, which was a pleasant surprise. There was no unexplained meaty taste on my vegetarian slices, much to my relief.

Kyle's friend group has some weird fursona thing going on where everybody has an animal name. His girlfriend is Dolphin and there's also Bear, Dinosaur, and Penguin. And some guy named Dragon whom I didn't meet. They tried to give me an animal name too but it didn't work out. His friend asked me what my favorite animal was and I told him I didn't have one, but he didn't believe me. Usually people think my favorite animal is parakeets, and that's not unreasonable considering how much I love parakeets, but I don't really think of them as my favorite. If I had to pick an animal to be, I'd be a mantis shrimp because of the crazy stuff their eyes can perceive, but I really didn't want to be named Shrimp. Luckily they didn't push that name either.

Anyway, we all stayed up until fairly late, probably 2 AM, before Kyle and his girlfriend started kicking people out of their house. One of their friends had just conked out on the floor, so they had to wake him up. He seemed surprisingly comfortable considering he was lying on hard tile. To each his own I guess. One of Kyle's attempts to wake the guy up involved smearing peanut butter on his stomach and having the dog lick it off. It... didn't work, I think, but it was sort of amusing to watch in a gross way. They were talking about putting peanut butter on the guy's lips too, but nobody was cruel enough to make that happen, thankfully.

Sunday we got up pretty late because of how long we stayed up the night before, so we didn't really do anything before Kyle had to take me to the station to catch my bus. Got some chatting in though, for the first time in person in four years, and that was nice. We also got to the station early, so we just walked around and talked a bit. I guess that's probably what we'd do if we didn't live so far apart. Just walk around and talk. Maybe eat food sometimes. Normal stuff. I joked that I'd maybe see him again in four years, and he said he hoped it wouldn't be that long. We'll see though, I guess.

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