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Memores acti prudentes futuri

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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Goodbye Romeo
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Romeo died this morning. He was very weak, and he couldn't perch anymore. He could barely walk, either. I had a crisis hotline shift at 7 AM, so I asked my parents to check on him periodically while I was gone, and I got a text around 9 AM from my mom. She said she found him lying on the floor of the cage, not moving. Part of me hoped that she was mistaken and he was just very still, but when I got home there was no question that he was gone.

We put him in a box and buried him in the backyard, next to one of the fruit trees. At first I was digging the hole by myself, but my dad came out to help me. I wanted the hole to be deep enough that nothing would dig it up.

I was worried he would die while I was gone. This morning before I left, I held him a little and told him I loved him and said goodbye. I guess it was good that I did that, because it sounds like he didn't hold out much longer than that.

Here's a picture I took of him yesterday.

He was all fluffed up like that this morning, too, but not when I came home after my shift. He didn't even look like himself anymore when I came home. His eyes were wrong. They looked... deflated and dried out. Something to do with the vitreous humor, I guess.

I cried a bit when I was in my room, and when I was talking to my mom about it. She gave me a hug and cried a little too. Romeo was with us for over ten years, and it hardly feels real that he's gone now. I had to go for therapy in the afternoon, and when I got back, there were flowers in my room. I guess my mom thought they might cheer me up. It was a nice gesture.

My boyfriend has been supportive too, although I wish he could have given me a hug when I texted him about it. There's not much that can be said, really, but he told me he loved me, and that was comforting.

I'll be okay, but I'm still kind of sad for now.

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No cupcakes [2P]
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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Things that happened!
Friday, June 19, 2015
Two things to report:

1. I am now done with undergrad, except for the graduation ceremony!

2. My first anniversary with my boyfriend just passed!

We haven't celebrated our anniversary (yet?), but it's nice to think about. I had so much to do that I almost forgot it was our anniversary, haha. Managed to sneak in a little text to him, though. :)

I hope we find some time to get a cupcake. Honestly though, I'm just really happy that we're going to spend some time together. It was a bit hard to get enough time with him when I had all my projects and finals and stuff. Now I don't have to do anything, though! So maybe we'll finally make some progress in Divinity. XD

We might also start playing a different game together... not sure what, just yet. For now, all I want to do is hug him and feel him close to me and give him bunches and bunches of love. I can't believe it's been a year already. I also can't believe it's only been a year.

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Only a few days left! [3P]
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Saturday, June 13, 2015
"You and I" by New Look.

I've been listening to New Look a lot these past few days.

I'll be graduating in a week! Crazy to think about. I still have a ton to do before then though. :( In all honesty, what I have to do isn't hard, it's just tedious.

This morning I got up at 5:45 AM because I have a 7 AM crisis line shift. It's... only 7:43 right now, haha. Got a few hours to go... Then I'm going to have lunch with my new friend. Hopefully that'll be fun! I liked hanging out with him last week.


So... Recently I've been considering moving in with my boyfriend. Assuming all goes well and I'm accepted into the school I want, that would be really convenient, since he's close to it. I wouldn't have to pay rent, but I'd help clean and cook and other chores. And run errands. Housegirlfriend! :P It's exciting and just a little scary to think about. He's thinking about moving apartments soon, so we've been looking at some together...

Also, our anniversary is next week! I guess we're probably not going to celebrate it, since other stuff is going on, but it's kind of crazy to think about. A year seems like such a long time. And yet, it also feels like I've been with him all my life. Maybe he'd think it's silly for me to say this, but I often feel like our relationship is outside time. Like time is just a distraction from something which has no true beginning or end. It's funny to think there was ever anything before this, because how can there be something prior to that which is timeless?

I feel very happy today!

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Youtube autoplay
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
So this came up after some Touane tracks I was listening to...

"L'Indien" by Baron Retif & Concepcion Perez.

I wasn't watching the video at first but switched to that tab just in time to see random dolphins poorly greenscreened into the background and ended up watching more of the video. It's... silly. But it amuses me.

I've been listening to videos like this while I write my paper for my Intimate Relationships class and I feel like it's sorta helpful, because it keeps me from wanting to find any music to listen to, but it's not distracting. The past few days while I was trying to work, I wanted music to listen to but I ended up spending too much time looking for something that felt right and too little time actually working on anything...

In any case it's almost 3:30 AM so I should probably be getting to bed...

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Silly movies
Saturday, June 6, 2015
So I saw Mad Max: Fury Road with a new friend today. It made very little sense and at some points I was just laughing because it was so ridiculous. My friend was into Mad Max and has seen all the original films, and he said this new one was kind of different from the old ones. I haven't seen any of the old ones, but the new Mad Max reminded me of Doomsday in that it had lots of random unexplained details that raised lots of questions for me.

After the movie we chatted for awhile, which was fun. He was pretty talkative but said that he's only that way one on one and he's actually fairly introverted and quiet in groups. I wouldn't have guessed, but then again, I guess I was talkative too. He said my stories were more interesting than his, which surprised me. I don't feel like my stories are super interesting. I talked a fair amount about my work with my client though, so I guess that could be part of it.

Graduation is only a couple weeks away! And there's so much to do before then, gah. >_<

I heard this song on the radio today and I'm really feeling it. Her lip syncing is really bad in this video though, to be honest.

I never thought that I could ever be this happy

It's a cute song. Not particularly deep or anything, but it's catchy.

Friday night I took a pole dancing class for the first time. It was pretty fun, although some parts of my body hurt afterward. I got dizzy doing some of the moves, too. I'd really like to go back, though. The place I went to has pretty reasonable rates, although I don't really have any money at the moment (haven't been paid in awhile and having to buy gas has drained my checking account :\), so it doesn't make much of a difference. A couple of my friends might do it with me though, so I'm excited for that. I did feel kind of awkward trying to do the sexy moves, not gonna lie. I kind of just like spinning around on the pole, that's the fun part. :P


Another edition of "my boyfriend, master of romance"...

Me: Sometimes I feel like I could never love another person as much as I love you.
Boyfriend: I bet you could.

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Getting close to crunch time
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
"Maple Leaves" by Jens Lekman.

She said it was all make believe
But I thought she said maple leaves
And when she talked about a fall
I thought she talked about a season
I never understood at all

I felt sort of ambivalent about this song at first, but after listening to it a few times and paying more attention to the lyrics I like it a lot more.

Between the final projects I have (one 20 minute individual presentation, two 1 hour 20 minute presentations, two 10 page papers, one 8 page paper), final exams coming up, and the game jam I'm doing with some people, I feel pretty exhausted right now. My graduation is in a bit over two weeks, so everything is piling up. It'll be nice to be done though.

My boyfriend and I were talking last night and it was kind of distressing for me at some points, but he did a good job of explaining things and reassuring me and I feel much closer to him now.

I also talked to my friend and we cleared up some ambiguities regarding the nature of our friendship. He wasn't sure if I was interested in a more-than-friends way and had interpreted some of my statements to mean that I was suggesting we'd be a good match, but I told him that I didn't like him like that and it resolved things, which is a relief. He wanted to know why my opinion of him has been decreasing and I admitted that I felt uncomfortable telling him stuff because of some of the reactions I've gotten from him. He's fairly socially awkward and I mentioned that, and he said he was hoping I could help with it. Maybe I should just make a career out of helping socially awkward guys be less awkward, because it feels like I run into this situation surprisingly often.

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