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"Guilty Pleasures" by Point B.

I think I've posted this before. It's still one of my favorite songs though.

Listening to it tonight, I felt like I was on my back, floating in an open white room with windows in the ceiling, slowly reaching out my hand to dip my fingers in the sunlight.

It was a good feeling, I guess.

I've been eating a lot of applesauce and fish jerky here. It's hard to find reasonably priced fish jerky at home, so I sort of overdo it when I'm in Hawaii, I think. We found this brand, Kaimana, that I like a lot. They only had the teriyaki flavor at Costco, which I'm likely to get sick of, but we're looking around for other stores that might have other flavors. I'm really hoping we find the more savory ones. I nearly finished the first (9 oz) bag in two days, so I should probably pace myself if we get more...

The past few days I've felt sort of out of time. Not like I've run out of time, but like I'm not interacting with time. It's the least busy I've been in months, and I don't really know what to do to fill up my schedule. Mostly I've been trying to knock out movies on my to-watch list. Five down so far.

Activities seem kind of empty without anyone to do them with. I went to the mall with my friend Matt today, but I think I would've preferred to just hang out and talk, rather than shop. He suggested going to the mall because there are people I need to get stuff for, but I guess I felt a bit of pressure to adhere to that goal and didn't wander around as much as I would on my own. I might go back with my mom, so maybe I'll just browse then...

My uncle has asked me a couple times now if I feel like I was born in the wrong era because of the music I listen to. He thinks that I seem to listen to a lot of older stuff, which is true, but I also listen to a lot of things I don't share with my family. I specifically create playlists of songs I think will appeal more to him and my family to play in the car when I'm here. I guess I try to do that whenever I'm playing my music for other people. I don't want to share things with people that I don't think they'll appreciate. Maybe that's why I feel like such a private person now sometimes.

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"I Think I Need a New Heart" by The Magnetic Fields.


Well, I'm in Hawaii. I don't really want to be here though. I don't really want to be anywhere. It doesn't "feel" like I'm depressed, but there's this sense of something bad being in my chest. Like my insides were hollowed out and someone injected me with expanding foam. My heart and my lungs are still there, sort of, but they're crowded and constricted. I've been trying to figure out how to describe the feeling for a few days now. It used to be so easy to pin a physical description on things, back when I felt disconnected from normal emotional words. In some ways I miss being dissociated. It was definitely distressing at times, but I guess there was a safety to it.

Everything feels flat and dull. I keep thinking that maybe eating might be enjoyable in some regard, but nothing seems to taste that good. As far as I can tell it doesn't actually taste different, but it's like my ability to feel pleasure has diminished greatly. I do get physically hungry sometimes, and I want to eat, but food is just disappointing.

"If You Don't Cry" by The Magnetic Fields.

If you don't cry, then you just don't feel it deep enough

I wonder how often that's true.

---

I'm starting to feel like I need to get a laptop. My tablet is okay for doing some things, but it's getting old, and with all the traveling I've been doing, it doesn't seem like enough. It would be nice to be able to videochat when I'm away from home. Or just to be able to videochat lying on my bed instead of sitting at my desk.

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Cici escaped today. Her cage was outside and I guess she just squeezed through a gap. I was in shock for a bit after I found out, but now my heart just hurts. It still feels like I only just lost Romeo and now she's gone too...

It's too much... it's just too much...

I've been posting listings on different websites for lost birds, and reading the other posts is breaking my heart over and over again.

What's worse is that I'm leaving for Hawaii tomorrow and I can hardly do anything beyond posting lost ads to different sites. I don't know my neighbors and I don't have time to post flyers around the neighborhood. It feels so hopeless and it's hard to stay proactive about finding her through the grief.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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I was reading 1000 Airplanes on the Roof again tonight. Listened to the soundtrack, wished I could have seen it live.

All right then, I surrender! I can no longer hold the universe at bay. There is a universe in my mind, struggling to make its way out. Memories slip between the cracks. The trickles become a torrent, carrying me away. At this moment, I've lost my job, I've lost any sesnse of the world beyond me. And, worst of all, I've lost the will even to hope-- that her life, the beating of her heart, could drown out these sounds! What choice do I have? No place could be as alien as this world has become.

I've run everywhere to escape my memories, everywhere but into my mind itself.

I'm back home. It feels strange. I guess, whenever I travel, it sort of feels like I leave my life at home behind.

There are visitors who travel the universe. Why? I don't know. How? I think I know. They travel because they've come to understand the role of matter over the five dimensions. There are always two ways to travel: the hard way. . . and the easy way. The hard way is across space-- the easy way is within space.

The lone Zen monk, sitting on a frozen hillside, outside a pavilion, has also mastered the easy way. He turns his eyes inward. And finds, there, an imprint of the universe. And, then, wherever he wants to be, he has already arrived.

I slept on the plane ride, and once I got home. Really, I was sleeping just about all day. Had many dreams, but hardly remember anything.

Even though it's been awhile now, I still think about Romeo. It's hard not to, I guess. His picture is on my debit card, so every time I pull it out, I'm reminded of him. It's a mild sadness that crops up every now and then. I'm wondering if I should just desensitize myself to it with prolonged and continual exposure, or if it would be better to pack the pictures and thoughts of him away and let myself feel that sadness once in awhile when I remember. Usually I view the first option as preferable, because avoidance solves absolutely nothing and sometimes tends to make things worse, but this time I don't know.

Not sure what to say about Vermont. It was very green there. I'd never want to live there, though. It felt like everyone who lived there was either a farmer, an artisan, or a worker in the tourism industry. We did a bike ride every day from Sunday through Thursday, and then did a short 2.5 mile hike on Friday. I think I hurt my shin or something... I'm not really sure what happened, because it doesn't look bruised, but there's some pain there. I don't think the distance of the rides we did means much, because there were lots of hills. I didn't know Vermont had so many hills before going there. On one of the days though, I ended up mostly biking (and sometimes walking) around seven miles uphill in the rain. That was probably the worst ride of the trip. I think I would rather do three times the mileage on a generally flat road than bike uphill.

Took a lot of pictures while I was in Vermont, but I'm too tired to post them right now. Later...

---

I liked this secret from Postsecret:

waste

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I keep looking over at the cage and expecting Romeo to be there, but he's not. It's just Cici now. Mostly I don't feel sad unless I think about it too much, but it's taking awhile to really process him being gone. Cici seems okay so far, I guess. She comes out of the cage and flies around and chirps.

I'm leaving tonight for Vermont. Maybe the bike trip with my mom will take my mind off of things. My friend said he can't meet up after all, which is a bummer, but that's okay, I guess. I'll try to take lots of pictures in Vermont. It's supposed to rain a lot while we're there, which might be sort of nice, except for the fact that it will very possibly rain on us as we bike. I'm not looking forward to that so much.

And then... right after I get back from Vermont, I'll spend some time with my boyfriend. That should be nice. Haven't gotten to play games with him or anything these past couple days, so hopefully we'll get some Divinity playtime in.

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