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Memores acti prudentes futuri

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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Online Radio

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts

Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Out There
Owen's Uncles
Phuzzy Comics
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scary Go Round
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Moon Town
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Sin Titulo
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
Super Buzzkill
The Super Fogeys
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Ugly Girl
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown

Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Subnormality reflections [4P]
Thursday, July 23, 2015
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Misc. thoughts
Sunday, July 19, 2015
"Guilty Pleasures" by Point B.

I think I've posted this before. It's still one of my favorite songs though.

Listening to it tonight, I felt like I was on my back, floating in an open white room with windows in the ceiling, slowly reaching out my hand to dip my fingers in the sunlight.

It was a good feeling, I guess.

I've been eating a lot of applesauce and fish jerky here. It's hard to find reasonably priced fish jerky at home, so I sort of overdo it when I'm in Hawaii, I think. We found this brand, Kaimana, that I like a lot. They only had the teriyaki flavor at Costco, which I'm likely to get sick of, but we're looking around for other stores that might have other flavors. I'm really hoping we find the more savory ones. I nearly finished the first (9 oz) bag in two days, so I should probably pace myself if we get more...

The past few days I've felt sort of out of time. Not like I've run out of time, but like I'm not interacting with time. It's the least busy I've been in months, and I don't really know what to do to fill up my schedule. Mostly I've been trying to knock out movies on my to-watch list. Five down so far.

Activities seem kind of empty without anyone to do them with. I went to the mall with my friend Matt today, but I think I would've preferred to just hang out and talk, rather than shop. He suggested going to the mall because there are people I need to get stuff for, but I guess I felt a bit of pressure to adhere to that goal and didn't wander around as much as I would on my own. I might go back with my mom, so maybe I'll just browse then...

My uncle has asked me a couple times now if I feel like I was born in the wrong era because of the music I listen to. He thinks that I seem to listen to a lot of older stuff, which is true, but I also listen to a lot of things I don't share with my family. I specifically create playlists of songs I think will appeal more to him and my family to play in the car when I'm here. I guess I try to do that whenever I'm playing my music for other people. I don't want to share things with people that I don't think they'll appreciate. Maybe that's why I feel like such a private person now sometimes.

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Magnetic Fields, things like that
Friday, July 17, 2015
"I Think I Need a New Heart" by The Magnetic Fields.

Well, I'm in Hawaii. I don't really want to be here though. I don't really want to be anywhere. It doesn't "feel" like I'm depressed, but there's this sense of something bad being in my chest. Like my insides were hollowed out and someone injected me with expanding foam. My heart and my lungs are still there, sort of, but they're crowded and constricted. I've been trying to figure out how to describe the feeling for a few days now. It used to be so easy to pin a physical description on things, back when I felt disconnected from normal emotional words. In some ways I miss being dissociated. It was definitely distressing at times, but I guess there was a safety to it.

Everything feels flat and dull. I keep thinking that maybe eating might be enjoyable in some regard, but nothing seems to taste that good. As far as I can tell it doesn't actually taste different, but it's like my ability to feel pleasure has diminished greatly. I do get physically hungry sometimes, and I want to eat, but food is just disappointing.

"If You Don't Cry" by The Magnetic Fields.

If you don't cry, then you just don't feel it deep enough

I wonder how often that's true.


I'm starting to feel like I need to get a laptop. My tablet is okay for doing some things, but it's getting old, and with all the traveling I've been doing, it doesn't seem like enough. It would be nice to be able to videochat when I'm away from home. Or just to be able to videochat lying on my bed instead of sitting at my desk.

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Too much
Monday, July 13, 2015
Cici escaped today. Her cage was outside and I guess she just squeezed through a gap. I was in shock for a bit after I found out, but now my heart just hurts. It still feels like I only just lost Romeo and now she's gone too...

It's too much... it's just too much...

I've been posting listings on different websites for lost birds, and reading the other posts is breaking my heart over and over again.

What's worse is that I'm leaving for Hawaii tomorrow and I can hardly do anything beyond posting lost ads to different sites. I don't know my neighbors and I don't have time to post flyers around the neighborhood. It feels so hopeless and it's hard to stay proactive about finding her through the grief.

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Too quick to judge [4P]
Friday, July 10, 2015
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Old habits [4P]
Thursday, July 9, 2015
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A thousand airplanes and Vermont
Sunday, July 5, 2015
I was reading 1000 Airplanes on the Roof again tonight. Listened to the soundtrack, wished I could have seen it live.

All right then, I surrender! I can no longer hold the universe at bay. There is a universe in my mind, struggling to make its way out. Memories slip between the cracks. The trickles become a torrent, carrying me away. At this moment, I've lost my job, I've lost any sesnse of the world beyond me. And, worst of all, I've lost the will even to hope-- that her life, the beating of her heart, could drown out these sounds! What choice do I have? No place could be as alien as this world has become.

I've run everywhere to escape my memories, everywhere but into my mind itself.

I'm back home. It feels strange. I guess, whenever I travel, it sort of feels like I leave my life at home behind.

There are visitors who travel the universe. Why? I don't know. How? I think I know. They travel because they've come to understand the role of matter over the five dimensions. There are always two ways to travel: the hard way. . . and the easy way. The hard way is across space-- the easy way is within space.

The lone Zen monk, sitting on a frozen hillside, outside a pavilion, has also mastered the easy way. He turns his eyes inward. And finds, there, an imprint of the universe. And, then, wherever he wants to be, he has already arrived.

I slept on the plane ride, and once I got home. Really, I was sleeping just about all day. Had many dreams, but hardly remember anything.

Even though it's been awhile now, I still think about Romeo. It's hard not to, I guess. His picture is on my debit card, so every time I pull it out, I'm reminded of him. It's a mild sadness that crops up every now and then. I'm wondering if I should just desensitize myself to it with prolonged and continual exposure, or if it would be better to pack the pictures and thoughts of him away and let myself feel that sadness once in awhile when I remember. Usually I view the first option as preferable, because avoidance solves absolutely nothing and sometimes tends to make things worse, but this time I don't know.

Not sure what to say about Vermont. It was very green there. I'd never want to live there, though. It felt like everyone who lived there was either a farmer, an artisan, or a worker in the tourism industry. We did a bike ride every day from Sunday through Thursday, and then did a short 2.5 mile hike on Friday. I think I hurt my shin or something... I'm not really sure what happened, because it doesn't look bruised, but there's some pain there. I don't think the distance of the rides we did means much, because there were lots of hills. I didn't know Vermont had so many hills before going there. On one of the days though, I ended up mostly biking (and sometimes walking) around seven miles uphill in the rain. That was probably the worst ride of the trip. I think I would rather do three times the mileage on a generally flat road than bike uphill.

Took a lot of pictures while I was in Vermont, but I'm too tired to post them right now. Later...


I liked this secret from Postsecret:


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Empty space
Friday, June 26, 2015
I keep looking over at the cage and expecting Romeo to be there, but he's not. It's just Cici now. Mostly I don't feel sad unless I think about it too much, but it's taking awhile to really process him being gone. Cici seems okay so far, I guess. She comes out of the cage and flies around and chirps.

I'm leaving tonight for Vermont. Maybe the bike trip with my mom will take my mind off of things. My friend said he can't meet up after all, which is a bummer, but that's okay, I guess. I'll try to take lots of pictures in Vermont. It's supposed to rain a lot while we're there, which might be sort of nice, except for the fact that it will very possibly rain on us as we bike. I'm not looking forward to that so much.

And then... right after I get back from Vermont, I'll spend some time with my boyfriend. That should be nice. Haven't gotten to play games with him or anything these past couple days, so hopefully we'll get some Divinity playtime in.

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