A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence
"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"
"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation
"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes
"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Think about it
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics
Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Eat That Toast!
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius
Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Robbie and Bobby
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Strong Female Protagonist
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Yellow Peril (PG-13)
Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing
Meat and Plastic
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
YU + ME
Pure Flash Awesomeness
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
Clients from Hell
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 8.5 hours.
Bootcamp was tough today. I think maybe I didn't eat enough before going, because I was pretty exhausted. Walked a mile after that, and then had spin class. There was a sub today, and she turned off the lights and had disco balls and flashing lights and stuff going. I think it was the most fun spin class I've ever taken! I wish they were like that more often. The instructor and another lady in the class were talking about how there are classes like that at some other place, but it's $35 a class, and the instructor was like "It's worth it" and I don't see how that could possibly be worth it unless you've just got money to burn.
Another beautiful day. I babysat today and all the windows in the house were open because it was warm. Not really appropriate weather for February, but I enjoyed it anyway.
It feels kind of like one of those summers that seems effortless and endless, when things feel alright for the first time in awhile. In my experience those summers are always followed up by something bad, though. I've been trying for years now to move away from the mindset that bad things are the default in my life, and good things are just glitches in the universe, but sometimes when I'm in the middle of a bad streak it feels like thinking bad things weren't the default was just me deluding myself.
That's not the point, though. Today was nice and it was a good day overall. I'm not feeling particularly sad. I am just in the habit of affecting sad mannerisms.
SL just responded to me. :D Yay! All these nice things today.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Gym time today: 3.5 hours.
Total this week: 6 hours.
Mat Pilates, ran a mile (level 1 incline, 7:30 minute mile pace), walked almost another mile, CSI, then Total Dance. Running was easier today, probably because I didn't do any cardio right before it.
I felt pretty good today. Maybe even happy. Spending yesterday with my friend had a really big impact on me, I guess.
It was a beautiful day today. Warm, sunny. The sky was blue, but not overwhelmingly so. The world was colorful and real and I felt alive. Everything was okay, and things were going to be okay. Overall I just felt really at ease.
Maybe this is the point from which things will finally start to really get better. I hope so.
I made this screenshot my desktop background a few days ago because it was something I needed to remember.
(Late entry, but titling it as the right day)
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 2.5 hours.
Cycle and Bosu Blast in the morning, then stayed extra time after Bosu Blast because the Bosu Blast instructor is also a Zumba instructor and she asked if anybody wanted to stay to practice a new routine. There were only four people who stayed, so I was able to actually see what was going on. It was a lot less stressful than going to a normal Zumba class, so I was somewhat able to follow along, even if I had trouble with the hip movements. Actually spent longer than 2.5 hours at the gym because of that Zumba thing, but I'm only counting the scheduled time. (Oh also, I ran a mile at a level 1 incline and a 7:30 mile speed and it was not super easy, but I made it; probably would have been easier if I didn't do it right after the spin class)
I spent almost all day with my friend Alex, so I didn't get around to writing this entry yesterday (it's actually Monday right now). It was really nice! I texted him after I got back from the gym and asked if he'd like to hang out, because I didn't have any plans for the rest of the day, and he said he was free, so we hung out from like... I dunno... 4 AM to like past 1 AM, haha. I had a good time! We watched the first few episodes of this silly series called The Magicians, which is kind of like someone's terrible Harry Potter/Chronicles of Narnia/other things fanfiction that somehow made it to TV. It was bad, but in an enjoyable way. I guess that's about par for the course for something that came from SyFy, though.
Going to hit the gym again tonight, so I'll probably try to type up an entry about that.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Gym time today: 1.5 hours.
Total this week: 14 hours.
So I hit 14 hours in six days because I'm taking tomorrow off for writing group. Can't make my normal classes in the morning if I want to get to the group on time. Oh well. There was a sub for Bootcamp tonight, so I guess it was actually a class called H.I.I.T., which I think stands for High Intensity Interval Training. Walked a mile and ran a mile (level 1 incline, 8 minute mile pace) afterwards. I've been feeling nervous about running on the treadmill, so I haven't been going as fast as I probably could... I also used the safety clip today, but kept thinking about what would happen if it didn't work.
I was thinking a little about friendship today. It seems like my friendships (and maybe friendships in general) are based on either frequency or quality of contact, or some mixture of the two. If I talk to someone a lot I might consider them a friend. If I don't talk to someone a lot, but I feel like they are there for me if I need them and we can have meaningful interactions, I consider them a friend. Ideally I would have frequency and quality, but that seems like it's not really available to me right now.
Anyway, there are some people who might consider themselves friends with me but who fall into neither of these categories, and I wonder if there is any benefit to flat out telling them we're not friends. Does it serve any practical purpose?
I like to know who my friends are and have things defined, not left to ambiguity. Sometimes friendships just fade on their own, but I guess I prefer the feeling of closure that comes with formally ending a friendship. Not that it's something I enjoy, I mean. But just... I feel like I'm at this place in my life where I notice when people add nothing of value to my life, and it feels like a waste of my time to deal with them even on a minimal level.
Having a friendship where you casually interact with someone once a month or less is really unappealing to me. Why am I even bothering to keep them in my life if that's the extent of our relationship? Do you even care about someone if that's the entirety of your interactions with them? Maybe it works for other people, but I don't like it.
People and behavior
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 12.5 hours.
Pilates Fit and Turbo Kick today. My abs actually felt kind of sore by the end of it, but it's not noticeable now.
At the moment I'm listening to this and trying to just focus entirely on the music.
I've been in my head too much lately and I need to step out of that a little, I think. Considering (again) shedding people from my life. I talked a little to my friend Mike (not Fro's boyfriend) about it. He said he doesn't like the idea of burning bridges with people, because you're essentially giving up on them and suggesting that you don't believe they can change. I agree with him, but with some of these people, maybe I should just give up on them. I believe that everyone is capable of positive change, but there are some people who just don't want to, and there's not much you can do to change their minds.
The domestic violence agency I used to intern at shared a link on Facebook, and although I've never been physically abused, I felt like I could relate to some of the elements in this story:
‘I Believed I Could Love The Abuse Out Of Him’
I thought if I were a good enough girlfriend — if I just loved him enough — he wouldn’t want to hurt me again.
I guess this is something I've (mistakenly?) thought in general about people. "If I'm just a good enough person, people won't want to hurt me!" The problem, I suppose, is that wanting to hurt someone and actually hurting them don't always go hand in hand. The idealistic part of me (which has been withering away for a few years now) wants to think that if I'm just good enough, people will want to not hurt me. There's a slight distinction between that and not wanting to hurt someone.
If you don't want to hurt someone, you don't have an active desire to hurt them.
If you want to not hurt someone, you have an active desire to avoid doing things that might hurt them.
A fine line, maybe, but I feel like the difference is still enough that it's worth noting. In the latter category, I think people would be more motivated to check their behavior for things that could have a negative effect on others. In the former category, it's like, "well, I'm not going to put energy into hurting you, but if it happens anyway... whoops! Accidents happen!"
Yesterday night my mom knocked on my door and asked, in a rather aggressive tone, why I hadn't thrown away some goat cheese on the counter that we'd discovered was moldy earlier in the evening. I told her I didn't know what I was supposed to. She immediately got defensive and said "Well who did you think was going to do it?" I could tell, based on more past interactions than I'd ever care to count, that she was implying that I expected her to do it. I told her that that's not what I was saying, and my point was that I did not know I was supposed to dispose of it. She didn't understand me and angrily asked again who else I thought was going to throw it out. I had to repeat myself numerous times and explain that my point (I didn't know I was expected to throw this out) was different than what she thought I was saying (I expected you to throw this out). I told her I didn't think it was a reasonable assumption that I would just know it was up to me to throw out the moldy food, and she started going on a rant about how I was the one who realized it was moldy, and she had left to do some work at her school, so I shouldn't have thought she would do it, and how I shouldn't have just left the goat cheese on the counter for "someone else" (her) to clean up.
I've been through this conversation (is it even really a conversation?) so many times and really didn't want to go through it again. Eventually though, I told her that I thought a better approach on her side would have been to ask me to clean it up instead of demanding to know why I hadn't cleaned it up already. I'm still not sure she actually understood what my original point was, but at least she accepted the alternative course of action I suggested.
If/when I have my own kids, I am going to avoid repeating my mom's behavior as much as I possibly can. Having lived with this all my life though, I'm honestly surprised I don't get defensive way more than I do. I know I used to, but I've been working on not doing that for a few years now. My mom acts like a lot of things are attacks or demands directed at her, and she reacts with hostility and aggression. It's only in recent years that I started to notice this so clearly. She's also a really bad listener, although I knew that before. I think my dad might be a better listener, but I haven't had as much close contact with him as I have with my mom.
I was talking to my therapist about how I don't feel like I've really had any positive role models in my life (or any role models...?). People I admire, sure, but not people I look up to consistently as people to model my own behavior after. I just construct an image in my head of what ideal behavior looks like and try to follow that, instead of having someone I can actually watch. This is normal to me, but my therapist's reaction made me feel like it's not supposed to be normal. Maybe this factors into why I'm not in the habit of asking people questions about how to do things, though. I might just have a deeply ingrained belief that nobody has answers for me and I have to figure things out on my own.
Things have to change
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 10.5 hours.
Piloxing in the afternoon, then Cycle Fusion in the evening. Took it kind of easy in Cycle Fusion because my body was sore from yesterday for some reason.
Last night I had a dream that I went to work at an escort agency. You were allowed to work there whenever you want, no obligations, if you had a card, but you had to apply for the card. I applied and acted a lot more confident than I really was, and they gave me a card. My first client was a nervous Indian guy. We went through a door from the lobby into the back corridors where all the rooms were, and one of the staff led us to an empty room. In the room, we sat on a couch, and I tried my best to be perky and friendly and asked about his work. He wasn't very talkative, but I tried to ask some questions to get him started. Then this guy I met from OKC, the one with the hungry eyes, came in and killed my client. I guess it was part of some kind of plan to "rescue" me? I realized I was part of the plan, and we were supposed to kill all the clients and the staff of the agency, but I had changed my mind and didn't really want to anymore.
"What You Were" by The Drums.
You came along
You came along
I got into your car
You came along
I knew I was wrong
I knew I would die
But still I gave in
I gave you my heart
I gave in
I knew I would die
I feel different today than I did yesterday. I think I haven't been using some of the tools available to me to deal with stuff, and I need to pick them back up. It's been too long. Things can't go on as they have been.
Eh, mixed things
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 8.5 hours.
Bootcamp, walked a mile, spin class, walked another half mile. No running today because Bootcamp was tough and I wanted to save energy for spin. Maybe another day though. Aiming for 14 hours again this week! I have been looking at r/progresspics and wondering if I'll become as toned and fit as some of the people on there. I guess it takes time, though. Maybe I would need to keep this up for a couple years.
I babysat today, and this text exchange happened:
Me: I'm babysitting and standing up, and the baby keeps coming over to tap her head on my butt.
Kyle: Can't blame the baby for that. I'd tap that ass too if I could.
Me: r u proud of urself
Kyle: So proud
I had a dream last night that I met SL and we hung out with my family and he seemed kind of put off by the stuff we did while hanging out. It made me feel kind of anxious and stressed out.
In real life though, he replied to me twice today! :0 So, that's been cool. Not that I had a bad day, but that was probably the highlight of my day... Aside from looking at adorable floofs like this on Imgur, of course.
I miss my birds so much. I feel like things would feel a lot better if they were still here. It's been harder to handle some of the stuff in my life without them around. I guess I never realized how calming it was to care for them and be able to look over at their cage when I was feeling bad.
Thinking about this and growth vs. fixed mindsets again...
Monday, February 8, 2016
Gym time today: 3.5 hours.
Total this week: 6 hours.
Pilates, ran a mile (level 1 incline, 8 minute mile pace), walked almost a mile, CSI, Total Dance. My knee is finally starting to heal over, so I thought I would give running a go and see how I felt. My chest felt kind of bad towards the end of the run, but I figure I can probably get back into it without too much trouble.
I started off today feeling sad. I think I had a sad dream, but I couldn't really remember it when I woke up. I kind of wish I could remember it, but maybe then it would have kept making me sad. I don't know.
Better things that happened today:
-I participated in a study for Google. I can't talk about it, because I signed an NDA, but it was interesting.
-My dad told me a story about his grandmother. Apparently her leg got infected when she was young, and her family went to the haole (white) doctor (this was in Hawaii), and the doctor said that there was no cure and they would have to cut the leg off, because otherwise the infection would spread and kill her. Apo (I don't know if that's the right spelling, but this is what my dad calls his grandma) cried and said she'd rather die than live without her leg. Her family decided to wait on the decision and went to the temple to pray for advice. They used some fortune sticks, and the priest there interpreted the sticks for them and said "There is a doctor in your house." The family owned a farm and had some hired farmhands (from China, I think), so they went home and asked if anybody was a doctor. Nobody came forward, so Apo's father asked each person individually, and the last guy admitted that he knew some medicine. Apo's father was like "Why you no say something!?" and the guy said he didn't have the herbs he would need to cure Apo. He said it used to grow there in the valley, but there was no more. Apo's brother volunteered to go searching for it with the farmhand, and they hiked across mountains and valleys all day, searching for it. Finally, it was starting to get late, maybe around 4 pm, and they hadn't found anything. The farmhand said "I think your sister's luck has run out," but Apo's brother didn't want to give up, and said he would go down into the last valley and keep looking. Well, he found something that matched the description (a vine climbing a tree), and the farmhand asked if there was "one potato under it." (When my dad was telling this story, he quoted Apo, and she spoke in a mixture of pidgin English and Chinese, so he thinks 'potato' in this context means 'root') The brother found the "potato," seemingly the last one there, and brought it back to the farmhand, who cut it in half and made the medicine with one half, then saved the second half for later. They went back to Apo and applied the medicine, then bandaged up her leg. She had a fever for awhile, but it went away. After some time had passed, they took the bandage off, and pus(?) poured out of her leg like "one can condensed milk" (I went "AAAAAAHHHH" when my dad said that part). The farmhand applied the second dose of medicine, rebandaged the leg, and it healed up. Apo's foot was crooked because of the way it had healed, though, and she complained to him. He told her to wait a few weeks for it to finish healing. A few weeks later, she went back to him, and he said "you want me fix your foot? I can do." She said she did. He said to look away, and asked, "You scare?" She said "I no scare." Then he apparently just grabbed her foot and did something that popped it back into the correct position. It's always interesting to me to hear these old stories about my family, and to hear my dad speak pidgin.
-That OKC guy I have some hopes for messaged me back today! It had been a few days since he last responded, so I was a little bummed about that before seeing his message today. Not sure if I will be mentioning him that frequently on here, but I'll call him SL for now just in case. I guess he has been busy for work, so he didn't get around to messaging me back, but he apologized for the slow response rate, which I appreciated. I know too many people who are either not aware of their poor response rate or who just don't care enough to apologize for it.
I guess it was Chinese New Year today. Uhh... so... happy Chinese New Year, I guess.
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