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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
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Thursday, May 19, 2016
I didn't go to the gym today. :( Was sore from yesterday (squats squats squats) and extremely tired to the point of falling asleep briefly while I was babysitting. >_< So... when I got home I just napped before showering and going to hang out with Alex.

When I took the baby out in the stroller (they got a new one and it glides so smoothly, oh my gosh it was amazing *__*), she took her stuffed pig (aka Piggy), but she dropped it at some point and I didn't notice. She started crying and saying "Piggy!" and then I noticed that she didn't have it, so I was about to turn around and try to find it, but this guy ran up to me with it. I thanked him profusely and he asked if my "daughter" and I lived in the area. I said I was babysitting, and he asked if I wanted to retire doing that. I told him I didn't... then he started talking about how he was the director of finances(?) for his company, and he was looking for a few good people... I was very confused, because I've never been solicited for something like that before just on the street, but I told him I was sorry, but that I was moving in a few months. He said no worries, and then went back to... whatever he was doing.

The dude was professionally dressed, white button up and tie and everything, but it still seemed very strange. I couldn't help but wonder if he was trying to get me into some kind of Vector-like scheme and have me doing kitchen knife demonstrations, haha.

Maker Faire is this weekend! Planning to go with my friends, and it should be a blast. :)

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Not much to say today
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 9.5 hours.

Piloxing and something called Pump It today. The second class was like... strength training, I guess? It was sort of easy, or it would have been if my arms weren't already kind of tired from doing other triceps exercises before.

Here's a song I like that the Piloxing instructor plays sometimes.

"Can't Feel The World (The Weeknd X Daft Punk)" by The Hood Internet.

Have kind of been feeling like writing a bit lately. Maybe I'll do that.

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Fingers crossed
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 7.5 hours.

I think I forgot to record the three hours I went yesterday. Today was just Bootcamp and Cycle, with some walking on the treadmill in between. I guess I didn't eat enough today, because I was really tired during/after Bootcamp. Tired like... just didn't have energy, not tired because I was pushing myself. If not for that, I would have run during the break instead of just walking...

Got to talk to my friend again today. ^_^ He was using Starbucks wifi though and it suddenly stopped working, so our conversation got cut short. :( He ended up using data on his phone to send me a message on another platform (we were talking on Skype before), but he had to go because he couldn't afford to keep it on. I thought this was cute:

J: BTW, I still do max-finger-crossing alien hands occasionally for our continued happiness :p hope it's holding up on your end! Talk to you tomorrow!

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More words and things
Monday, May 16, 2016
I've been happy for the past few days, and I think it's the longest I've been consistently happy in quite awhile. I wasn't really sad or angry or anything today, I just felt good.

[5/16/2016 8:14:52 PM] J: Hey, so I hope this isn't too off-putting, but i wanted to share something with you in the spirit of being transparent about how I feel with you.
Last night, after i closed my laptop, I was on my knees on the floor packing my things up, and i just... broke down. Forehead to the floor, crying silently. I couldn't stop thinking, "man oh man, i really like this girl." It lasted a couple minutes, and at first part of me was upset with feeling helplessly subjected to an emotion without being able to push it back, but overall the tears were happy and eventually i just let go and let it ride its course, laying there until i could move again.
Please don't freak out though, i promise it wasn't anything romantic or lustful, there wasn't any fantasizing or imagining, it had nothing to do with the future at all. I just kinda got caught up in an overwhelmingly joyful paralysis over how happy I was that I met someone I really liked, as a person, and I just felt a lot less lonely i guess, and it really impacted me.
So i just wanted to tell you that i'm grateful you exist. Or however you word that without it sounding super corny. But I promise i don't feel differently than I did before the incident, i'm just happier :)
[5/16/2016 8:16:10 PM] Me: Awwww
[5/16/2016 8:16:17 PM] Me: Gosh I don't really know what to say
[5/16/2016 8:16:35 PM] Me: I'm smiling though.
[5/16/2016 8:16:38 PM] J: you don't have to say anything i just don't want you to freak out haha
[5/16/2016 8:16:41 PM] J: al;ksdfja;lskdj
[5/16/2016 8:16:44 PM] Me: Oh, no, I'm not freaked out.
[5/16/2016 8:16:49 PM] Me: I think that's really sweet.
[5/16/2016 8:17:02 PM] J: ok good ^_^ that makes me feel a lot better
[5/16/2016 8:17:21 PM] Me: I just didn't want to lead with "that's really sweet" because that seems like such a like... trivializing way to respond, haha.
[5/16/2016 8:17:59 PM] J: it's okay i wouldn't have judged your response
[5/16/2016 8:18:04 PM] J: i just didn't want like
[5/16/2016 8:18:10 PM] J: your contact info to gray out
[5/16/2016 8:18:12 PM] J: LOL
[5/16/2016 8:18:21 PM] Me: Pfft, don't worry.

I didn't have the words to express it, but I was really touched by what he said. Also amazed that I could have that effect on someone. Or well... maybe it would make more sense to say that I'm amazed someone could react to me that way. I sort of wanted to hug him and just say thank you for telling me.

Oh, I wish we could just talk all day.

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This is so nice [6P]
Sunday, May 15, 2016
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Maybe? Maybe maybe maybe?
Saturday, May 14, 2016

I'm happy again tonight.

[5/14/2016 11:03:28 PM] Me: I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I had a dream that I met you.
[5/14/2016 11:04:14 PM] Me: We just sat on a bench in a stone amphitheatre and watched some people put on a play.
[5/14/2016 11:04:59 PM] Me: The stage was like twenty feet above us though, so it was sort of an awkward angle to watch at.
[5/14/2016 11:13:00 PM] J: Well it's definitely not something I hear often if at all haha, but don't worry, i think it's cool that you're okay with mentioning it. My grandma's reminding me to be careful of who I talk to on the internet because there are crazy psycho women out there, though hahahaha :P hope you don't mind me telling her.
[5/14/2016 11:24:02 PM] J: that's good haha. i think i tend to daydream a lot while i'm awake, so maybe i exhaust my brain before dream time comes. it probably doesn't work like that though :P
[5/14/2016 11:31:16 PM] J: one of the days after we talked, i remember wandering off in my head as i was driving and you and I were at the temple at burning man reading notes on the walls (people leave notes to lost loved ones / friends and s.o.'s they haven't talked to (and other people / pets of that nature) expressing feelings they never got to express or making promises to move on or live a better life etc etc, and then on the last day, they burn the temple and the thousands of people sit around in sobs and silence as they watch). I went to bm a few years ago but it was for a project, so I didn't get the full experience. I'm trying to get tickets this year to go as a normal attendee, but haven't gotten them yet. I was thinking if I got them, I might invite you.
[5/14/2016 11:32:34 PM] Me: That sounds really beautiful. @_@


I told him about all the stuff that happened in one of my relationships and he said he could relate and our situations were eerily similar and at the end he thanked me for sharing my story and said it was nice getting to understand me. Is this... is this real life? .__.

[5/15/2016 12:44:18 AM] J: i don't really know how to respond, i am here though, i'm just kind of in awe at how familiar it all feels

I'm hesitant to embrace the possibility that there's someone who might actually like, really, legitimately, understand me, but at the same time I want to very badly. Gotta be careful. >_<

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I feel fantastic [2P]
Friday, May 13, 2016
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Late night car talks [DP]
Friday, May 13, 2016
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