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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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I wrote a poem
Saturday, June 4, 2016
I remember when this was my favorite band. (And I still have their logo as my icon on here!)

"Black Liner Run" by She Wants Revenge.

She never leaves her home but she�s real sweet
Got her own style, leaves the windows real wide
Crosses her fingers after so many years
Mascara runs through the tracks of her tears

Run run run would you wear that black liner baby
(Still it�s nice to wish)
Run run run would you wear that black liner baby
(If he understands)
Run run run would you wear that black liner baby
(This could never be)
Run run run would you wear that black liner baby
(Still he�s making plans)

I'm sure there must be a lot more songs about online interactions, but I think this is the only one I know...


My dad got a take 'n bake cheese pizza from Safeway because they're only $5 on Fridays, so I threw some stuff we had in the fridge on it and popped it in the oven today. >_< I was like "well... pine nuts... garlic... olives... smoked salmon... those could... be okay together..." Trying to use up food we have before we go to Hawaii. Trying it now, and I'm not too impressed with the pine nuts.


I had writing group today and wrote the beef jerky face poem during our writing exercise portion.

Tears wash down my beef jerky face
Because you're not in my beef jerky embrace
Why do I even have beef jerky limbs
If they can't carry out my beef jerky whims?
At night, my beef jerky mind plagues me with reams
Of visions of you in my beef jerky dreams
How my beef jerky soul is besotted with you!
But I know my beef jerky hopes cannot come true
My beef jerky heart is heavy with sorrow
And I long for a better beef jerky tomorrow
Where my beef jerky hands are clasped around yours
And joy is extruded from my beef jerky pores
Yet I know, in my beef jerky heart, it can't work-y
For while I am beef, you are turkey jerky


Here are some pictures from yesterday

A tiropita I got at the Greek festival.

Loukoumades... This was the small size, but I couldn't even finish half of it. >_>

The loukoumades were super sweet, but then I decided to get pomegranate sorbet as well, because for some reason I had a super sweet tooth yesterday. There was a tunnel in the middle of it, but it was so good. @_@

My dad likes to say that when you get cravings, it means your body is telling you that you need something. I don't think my body needs diabetes though, so I don't know what this was all about.

I also got a mocktail (oh wait, two mocktails) at the Art Boutiki after the Greek festival. So good. @_@

I feel like I had an obscene amount of sugar yesterday...

Friends! The magic show started a lot later than we were expecting, but we got some time to just hang out, so that was nice.

Um. Hm. My rescheduled lunch with Varsha is supposed to be tomorrow, so uhhh maybe I'll have something to say about that.

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Gotta write a poem
Friday, June 3, 2016
[2:20:18 AM] Me: Sometimes I just wanna talk and like be real mannnnnnnnnnn
[2:20:23 AM] J: LOLOL
[2:20:26 AM] J: just be reeeeeallllll
[2:20:34 AM] J: man you're so down to earth
[2:20:42 AM] Me: So down to earth and chill
[2:20:47 AM] Me: And laid back
[2:20:55 AM] J: i bet your skin is made of dirt and recliner leather
[2:21:22 AM] Me: They don't call me Muffin "Beef jerky face" Extraordinaire for nothing
[2:21:40 AM] J: fuckin beef jerky face oh god
[2:21:44 AM] J: the imagery
[2:22:01 AM] Me: I always feel like a dumbass when I laugh really hard at my own jokes but yeah the imagery is killing me
[2:22:14 AM] J: stop making me laugh in the middle of the night when i'm visiting family
[2:22:17 AM] J: -____-
[2:22:49 AM] J: i think i woke my brother up
[2:22:49 AM] J: oops
[2:22:56 AM] Me: Hahahahhaha, I'm sorry
[2:23:00 AM] J: yeah you better be
[2:23:15 AM] Me: Tears of regret wash down my beef jerky face
[2:23:24 AM] J: here i'll go wake him completely up to let him know you're sorry
[2:23:58 AM] Me: I feel like what I just wrote could be part of a really shitty, hilarious poem
[2:24:43 AM] J: i'm imagining the tears not coming out of your eyes, but just like, seeping out of the pores in your lower beef jerkey eyelids
[2:24:50 AM] J: LOL
[2:24:53 AM] J: write that poem
[2:24:56 AM] J: it's your destiny

Also I went to the Greek festival and a magic show and those were pretty fun things.

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Thursday, June 2, 2016


Okay so here are a couple pictures!

J sent me a book, but he also drew something for me and put a budgie bookmark in the package.

And a closeup of the bookmark err pendant thing.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I love it so muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch!!

Also here's a bunch of apricots we picked in my backyard.

Nom nom.

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One more [2P]
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Kind of a bust [2P]
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Not a tattoo [2P]
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Yesterday, today, and Swan Lake
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 1 hour.

The gym closed early yesterday because of Memorial Day, and I was too tired to do Cycle tonight, so..... yeahhhhh... I only did Bootcamp today. I mean, Bootcamp is the most intense class my gym offers, but still. :\ Lately I've been feeling less motivated to go to the gym... When I was going so much before it was kinda just because I was unhappy and needed something to fill my time, but I don't feel that way anymore. Maybe it's okay to only go for like 5-9 hours a week? >_<

Last night I saw X-Man: Apocalypse with Becka and some other people. That theatre was so nice. @_@ It had leather recliners for seats. Buuuuuuuut the tickets were $15 (3D screening). I don't know if it was really worth the money, haha, but I did enjoy the movie, to my surprise.

I got some p�o de queijo and edamame at the concessions stand, and they were horribly overpriced and didn't taste great, but oh well. >_>

After I got home yesterday I made some fish cakes. My mom boiled potatoes earlier in the day to make mashed potatoes, and she left me a couple, and I was going to make twice-baked potatoes at first, but I forgot that you can't really do that with boiled potatoes, only baked (right... that's why they're called twice-baked, not once-boiled-once-baked... derp ). Sooo, ended up peeling off the skins and making fish cakes with the potatoes, cheese, and some smoked salmon we had in the cupboard. Ratios of things were off though, so they kind of ended up being potato fish pancakes. -__- Whoops. I can think of a lot of steps along the way where I messed up, but it was late and I was hungry, so... whatever. Here are my accidental pancakes:

Today I babysat, and the baby fell asleep in the stroller. It was hot outside, and hot in the garage, so I didn't want to let her sleep in the stroller in either of those places, but I didn't want to take her out of the stroller either, lest she wake up. Soooo... I brought the stroller into the house... but then one of the cats decided to climb into the storage thing underneath the stroller. At first I tried to get it to move, but it wasn't waking the baby up, so I just left it...

Would have just written an entry yesterday night after I got home, but my internet went out, so I couldn't. :(

Going to a Bernie Sanders rally tomorrow. I'm not really sure what that will entail besides... crowds of people who like Bernie Sanders. Becka invited me to go, and she's super excited about it. I have a positive opinion of Bernie Sanders, but not to the point where I would have gone to this rally by myself. Hopefully it's... uhh... fun? exciting? good...? though.

Listening to the waltz from Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake tonight.

I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to this or hear the words "Swan Lake" without thinking about that man playing the guitar in the parking lot years ago. Looking back at my entries, I guess it's been close to eight years since then... I guess I didn't write about it too much at the time, but that experience really impacted me. Or well, obviously it did, since I'm here eight years later still thinking about it. Maybe when I'm old, if I have dementia, I'll just repeatedly talk about meeting him to whoever will listen.

And here is another classical piece I like better. I've heard this so many times but had no idea what it was called until just tonight. >.>

"Liebestraum" by Franz Liszt.

So beautiful. T_T

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(I added more)
Sunday, May 29, 2016
This is so good.

"There Is Nothing Left" by The Drums.

So I got this No Tox Life deodorant in like... November? December? And it's May now and I'm only like halfway through it. I mean, I'm sure it helps that I don't need to reapply it frequently and all, but damn, this is really going a long way. Very worth the $15! Man, I hope they don't go out of business or something. D: It's so hard to find good deodorants that don't irritate my skin. T_T


So today was meh-ish. I did some in field with my client at the mall and it was unpleasantly warm in there for some reason. I'm not really sure why; it seems like they should be able to afford air conditioning, considering how popular this particular mall is... It was REALLY crowded, too.

After I got home I had to practice driving stick shift with my dad, which was super frustrating. I was kind of in a bad mood because of my client, and I didn't really get much of a chance to unwind afterwards. Most of the time I walk around the mall or do something to kind of decompress after working with my client, but I just went straight home today instead, thinking "I don't really need to treat myself just because I worked today." But yeahhhh two unpleasant things in a row wasn't a great idea. I think it was made worse by the fact that it was really hot in the car, though. My dad turned off the air conditioner so that the car wouldn't stall, but it still stalled multiple times in a row more than once during the practice. -__-

Buuuuuuut I watched a bunch of videos in my Favorites playlist on Youtube and talked to my friend and then I felt much better. :3 We finally got to talk about some things and it's nice to have everything out in the open.

[5/29/2016 8:24:41 PM] Me: Sometimes I joke about marrying rich and spending all my time helping people for free.
[5/29/2016 8:25:00 PM] Me: But it's kind of like only half joking >.>
[5/29/2016 8:25:14 PM] J: hahahaha
[5/29/2016 8:25:22 PM] J: man i'd love to have a bunch of money -_-
[5/29/2016 8:25:27 PM] J: for stuff like that ofc
[5/29/2016 8:25:36 PM] J: let's both go marry rich people

I want to write something but I don't know what. Writing group is coming up next weekend and I need to have some flash fiction ready, but I don't really have any story ideas.

My mind is flip flopping between soft fluffy things and spider-filled darkness. When I was younger I used to imagine that spiders were everywhere when it was dark-- just covering the floor, the walls, anywhere. I would imagine them illuminated by my nightlight, because of course nightlights don't really do anything to deter spiders, even if they're darkness spiders.

I don't think about that as much anymore, but every time a spider crawls up my wall at night (it happens a few times a year I think-- for some reason they're quite fond of the wall right next to my desk...), I remember it. A spider was crawling up the wall less than two feet from me tonight and I walked as quickly as I could to the laundry room to get a jar to catch it in, and I imagined the floor of the hallway teeming with spiders I couldn't see. Even if it was, realistically I would probably just kill them by stepping on them, but for some reason it's a terrifying thought, as if merely touching them would irreparably damage me.

When I was little I picked a big yellow rose from the bush in my backyard. There was a spider hiding in it, and it crawled out onto my arm. I remember screaming and spinning around, trying to shake it off. I succeeded, but it disappeared, and I've always been a bit afraid to pick those roses since then. I still have, a few times in the years since, but I'm much more careful now, and I poke around all the petals with some garden scissors first to check for (why did the word 'assassins' come to mind?) any unwelcome stowaways.

I wonder if this could be a metaphor for my life. >_>

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