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Memores acti prudentes futuri


She said it was all make believe
but I thought she said maple leaves
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Phew, it's back [2P]
Friday, September 22, 2017
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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Lost and low [4P]
Monday, September 18, 2017
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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No reward
Monday, September 18, 2017
The feeling of relief doesn't hit like it used to, upon the sudden realization of what's happening.

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Forming a mind
Sunday, September 17, 2017
So there's this blind guy in the chat I hang out in, and we were talking tonight about how he imagines color. He went blind as an infant, so he doesn't really know what any colors look like, but he still has associations for them. He "visualizes" by imagining textures and shapes as opposed to images.

I think it's safe to say that as humans, vision factors a lot into our development and how we construct reality. It's probably the sense that we depend on most, and being blind is significantly more disabling than being deaf, in terms of being able to function independently. Going off that assumption, it's interesting to think of how blind people's minds might develop differently. The guy I was talking to linked this article that I thought was pretty interesting:

Blindness and autism: What is the relationship between blindness and autism-like difficulties in children?

Was fascinating to me to think of how blind people are cut off from the social world in certain ways, because they can't pick up on a lot of nonverbal communication (which supposedly makes up a higher percentage of information in communication than verbal communication). Lacking such information, it seems to follow logically that their reality has a different construction than that of sighted people. I mean, of course they're going to rely on other senses (e.g. hearing) more, but I mean, it's not like being blind means you just live in the same world as sighted people, except you can't see anything. It's really a different world. What does red mean to blind person? How do they experience distance? Chat guy said he has a lot of difficulty with scale compared to other people.

I should look into the phenomenology of blindness more, I'd really like to know what research has been done on this topic...

...Okay I did a quick Google Scholar search and I'm not getting a lot of results that look like what I want. Hmm. Man, if I were more research-oriented instead of practice-oriented this would be a phenomenal thesis/dissertation subject, assuming I could find anything at all on it.

I'm so curious about other people's lived experience, but the curiosity is especially strong with blindness, and I'm glad that this guy is so willing to answer my questions. It's often challenging to explore people's experiences of reality because there's so much that people take for granted and assume and gloss over in their descriptions. If you ask "what did you do today?" you're unlikely to get a thorough answer at all unless the person had an exceptionally interesting (to them) day. I don't think people pay much attention to the finer details of their daily lives. It's funny to think about, because I find high levels of detail immensely boring in fiction, but immensely interesting in reality, if that makes sense.

If I asked the average person to describe five minutes of their day in as much detail as possible I'm not sure if they'd really know what to say. I remember once in community college, for one of my classes we had to examine one of our hands and write down a description of it. Once we had all written our descriptions, the teacher asked, "how many of you wrote that you have five fingers?" Very few people raised their hands. It was such an obvious detail that most of us didn't think to even mention it. And yet these details do matter, you know? A person with four fingers, or six fingers, is probably persistently aware that they have four or six fingers compared to other people's five. When you're off from the default in some way it changes the way your reality is constructed.

One of my favorite professors in undergrad did his dissertation on amputees phantom limb syndrome, and he was fond of explaining phenomenology to his classes by talking about how amputees experience facets of reality compared to non-amputees. I think one of the things he said was that if a person without a leg were to enter the classroom, he/she would be keenly aware of the distance between things-- how many steps between the door and his/her desk, etc.-- and what objects he/she could potentially support him/herself against, and so on and so forth. It's not that such details don't exist for non-amputees, but they fade into the background because they're relatively unimportant or meaningless.

There's a constant shifting of the details that come forward for us, the ones we notice versus the ones that blend with the shadows. An easy way to think about this is by looking at a gestalt picture:

You can look at this two ways-- as two faces or a vase, but both exist simultaneously, and what you see in the moment really just depends on where your attention is focused. What you're focusing on is the 'figure' and the rest is the 'ground'. Reality is like that, just... with a lot more than two things to see.

Anyway, the details that we notice shape our reality, yeah? Pretty straightforward I think. There are many details, more than we can take in all at once (which is why we're selective), but we have some freedom to choose what we pay attention to. Although... for blind people or other people with disabilities, I guess they don't really get to pick from as many details as people with all their senses intact. Bringing this topic around to my personal experience (since this is my personal blog, after all), I think that I have made efforts to shift what I pay attention to, maybe not super explicitly at times, but I still have, and this has changed my experience of reality. My perceptual habits have changed and I notice more when people do nice things for me, when things are going well (I think I wrote a post awhile ago about feeling lucky), and stuff like that. I could put it in more cliché terms as "looking on the bright side," but there isn't really a bright "side", more like... bright specks scattered amongst all the other specks of various types.

Back to the topic of senses shaping reality... So the guy was talking about his sense of humor and how he thinks it's affected by being blind, and he linked some videos. In the suggested videos on the side, there was this:

I thought it was funny. Not to the point where I actually laughed, but like, I enjoyed it. Talking to this blind dude has made me aware that visuals do play heavily into my sense of humor at times-- the contrast between imagery and sounds can be pretty amusing to me, but this is something that guy doesn't even have access to.

Anyway, I don't have any conclusive thoughts on this, it's just raising some interesting questions/thoughts for me and I wanted to note them.

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Security [DP]
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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Only
Thursday, September 14, 2017
"Only" by Nine Inch Nails.

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
'Cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(No it doesn't really matter anymore)
No it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself


---

I went out with a friend last night. We played pool (meaning, he explained how to play to me, and I was mindblowingly bad at it except for one amazing trick shot where I jumped the ball over another ball and hit one of my balls into a pocket) and walked around, then sat in a very fancy Target Starbucks and chatted. It was nice, I had fun.

He's very personable and easy to talk to, and I'd like to hang out more with him. We briefly talked about the possibility of hanging out next week, so I hope it happens. He said he'd take me to Sonic because I've never been there, and I've always seen the commercials and been curious. The closest one is... pretty far though. An hour away? Over an hour? I don't know.

---

I dreamt some things.

There was a church I was associated with and we were on a trip, but something went wrong, and those of us who were unaffected fled to a house for safety... I was alone in the entry hall when I heard a knock on the door, and I opened it and saw some of the church members, with an odd detail... they had fake looking black wigs on their heads, and I realized too late that they had been compromised and were going to hurt me. I couldn't stop them from coming in and I tried to flee to my room and lock the door, but I didn't make it, and they closed in on me.

I was with a group of people in his grandmother's house for the weekend. She had agreed to let us use the house while she was away... I was in a room that was only accessible through a crawlspace between the first and second floors of the house, and there were no stairs, so you had to climb a ladder to move between floors... I went up to the second floor to use the bathroom, and noticed blood, which I thought must explain the intense anger I'd been feeling prior. As I started to descend the ladder, I saw him, and I quickly got into the crawlspace and knocked over the ladder so he couldn't follow me, but he got into the crawlspace too, and then he was trying to get closer to me, and I was screaming at him to go away, trying to kick him so he couldn't come near, but he wouldn't leave.


---Edit---

Ran 1.5 miles and then did Turbo Kick. I really like Turbo Kick, maybe I should start going to the other class times as well.

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Running progress
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Ran 3.05 miles at the gym continuously. Well, "ran"... Had it set to lvl 1 incline, 6.4mph (9:22) up to 1.5 miles, so I wasn't even breathing hard for most of it. Stopped because my feet were getting too warm. Shoes don't breathe enough...

---

I think it's time for some self-administrated exposure therapy.

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Feelin' things
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
"You & I" by New Look.

I might have posted this song before, but I haven't listened to it in awhile and I like it. It fits my mood at the moment.

So I read The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan over the past couple nights. It's very very quick to read, but oof, it hit me hard emotionally. The book is structured as a series of dictionary entries, each with a snippet of the story, and it's pretty amazing how much Levithan conveys in so few words. You don't get all of the details of the story down (it's about a relationship), but you get enough to feel a pretty heavy impact from the more painful entries. Or at least, I did. I imagine the impact is affected by the reader's personal experience with the themes described in the book.

Ummm... I didn't go to the gym today. :T Wasn't feeling it. I will go tomorrow though! And I'm gonna hang out with a friend tomorrow evening, so I have something to do. Gotta try really hard to eat before class tomorrow so that I have energy. I know I keep saying that, but I really should try. T_T

I have this feeling, and it's nice.
It's not... magical or mystical.
It didn't hit me suddenly or creep up on me.
Although I do feel constantly surprised by it, somehow.
It just feels real, and comfortable, and safe, and secure.

:)

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