A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence
"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"
"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation
"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes
"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics
Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Eat That Toast!
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius
Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Robbie and Bobby
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Scary Go Round
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Strong Female Protagonist
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Yellow Peril (PG-13)
Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing
Meat and Plastic
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
The Super Fogeys
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
YU + ME
Pure Flash Awesomeness
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
Clients from Hell
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
I think Kyle might be the only person outside my family who I finally trust to not abandon me because of my depression.
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
The lyrics of this song swim around my thoughts often.
"See Spaces (Dreamtrak Diamond Sound Remix" by TEETH.
I guess it's that time of year where I get to struggle to resist giving into self-destructive thoughts and urges. It sometimes helps if I have someone around I can talk to in person about stuff, e.g. a therapist or close friend, but neither of those options are particularly available to me right now. I know I'm spending too much time alone, but it's hard enough to get dressed some days, let alone coordinate with people to try to hang out.
Even though I know it will end, and that nothing lasts forever, good or bad, in the moment, it feels endless and inescapable. It feels like this is all there is and this is all there will ever be, and anything else is just a fluke, an error in the code, a typo in the story of my life.
Guess it's hitting me harder this year than some of the past years. Could be lack of exercise/in person socialization. I took my vitamins (including extra iron) today, drank some water, ate some food, maybe slept an okay amount, and got sun. It could also just be the accumulated weight of various unresolved issues in my life, though. I'm not exactly having an existential crisis, but I feel like I'm at the point where I would be if I were letting myself think too much about it.
I miss Pictures for Sad Children.
Running shoes, house metaphors [4P]
Monday, October 16, 2017
Sunday, October 15, 2017
I kind of messed up
Saturday, October 14, 2017
So... I turned 26 and I'm not covered by my parents' health insurance anymore... Haven't gotten new insurance yet.
But now I'm sick and we don't have any of my cough syrup left. It's prescription-only because it's codeine-based, since I'm allergic to dextromethorphan.
Just sucking on cough drops for now, wondering when I'll get better. It's been a few days now, and in some ways it seems like it's just slowly getting worse. Really hoping it's not another 5 - 6 week bronchitis episode. I mean, I've gone weeks before without taking medicine or doing anything in particular to relieve symptoms, and this cough I have now isn't horrible, but I'd really like to have the option to take medicine if it gets worse...
Being sick has got me kind of down. I want to be able to go to the gym and work out, not be tired and coughing and sitting around alone at home. Thankfully my mood hasn't tanked yet, but I'm still kind of worried about it. Exercise helps me from dipping below a certain point...
This song made me laugh earlier.
"This Guy's A Stalker" by Foamy the Squirrel.
I don't really like the angry/ranting tone of most of Neurotically Yours anymore, but some of the music is still nice.
Day out [2P]
Friday, October 13, 2017
Somewhat productive compared to usual
Thursday, October 12, 2017
"Bigmouth Strikes Again" by The Smiths.
My weekly video call with friends ended up being three hours this time, but it was nice. Sean joined the call because we used Google Hangouts instead of Skype, and that definitely extended the amount of time we all talked. Fro talked a lot about wedding planning, which is understandable considering her wedding is next year. I'm happy and excited for her, but also a little sad that I didn't really have much to say about wedding stuff. Becka is already married, so she had her wedding, but Vicky was talking about how she wanted her wedding to be, as was Sean, to some degree. I guess I never thought I'd be the only single one in my friend group, but here I am. My mom knows I've been feeling kind of bummed out about this, and she's been somewhat sympathetic... She tried to reassure me by saying I might meet someone once I'm up in the city for school. Maybe, but I don't know. Suppose it's possible, but I feel very invisible out in the world, and I can't really imagine someone taking notice and approaching me. I think that's part of why I've tended to meet my boyfriends online... In person it feels like I'm just fading into the background, but online I come off more interesting.
In better news... Finally sent in the basic application to the grad school I'm hoping to go to in the spring. I still need to write my autobiographical statement and my goal statement, though. I guess I have tomorrow and maybe Saturday to do that. The basic application was giving me a lot of anxiety, but I guess I was able to scale that wall today to submit it. Mostly though, I was scrambling to turn it in because one of the people I asked for a letter of recommendation turned it in the day after I asked, which was not at all what I was expecting, and so I felt rushed to submit everything else as well.
There's such a contrast between how easy things feel sometimes. This application thing was stressing me out for a long time, but today I was able to do it without feeling so overwhelmed. I mean, I'm not completely done yet, but still.
I'm still sick, which is maybe contributing to my being able to eat more (that's my best guess, anyway). So... that's... good? Except I can't work out, because I'm sick, which is dumb. Didn't go to Turbo Kick tonight. : I've only been to the gym one day this week and I feel discontent with that. Gotta get well though...
So, it's been a productive day, I guess, what with the application thing. I feel good about that. Tomorrow after work I'm going with my mom to an art museum, so hopefully that will be fun.
Too much smoke
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
The Santa Rosa fires are raging, and the smoke has been making its way down here. Today the sky was grey, and everything smelled like smoke. Even in my room, with the windows closed, I could smell it, and I was getting a headache from it.
When I went to work, the sun was hanging low in the sky, and it was a deep, dark orange. I don't know if I've ever seen it that color before, and it was hard not to stare.
I felt troubled by my dream last night. I don't really want to describe what happened in it in depth, but the main thing was that I felt a lot of anxiety in it, and I woke up feeling confused and uncomfortable.
"No Matter What You're Told" by Broken Bells.
So you're picking up signs
You're scared you might be losing your mind
And all the hopes of any shot you've got
Are leaving you behind
You're making light of this, I know
And it's a shame
That your silly sentimental heart is to blame
We'll blow all our chances thinking we know
All the answers, and so it goes
With all the changes, nothing changes
No matter what you're told
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