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Memores acti prudentes futuri


She said it was all make believe
but I thought she said maple leaves
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
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Thinking about writing
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I barely know what was being taught in my classes today. For pretty much the whole time I was just researching the Marines and ways to send mail to bootcamp.

...Never in my life did I think I'd have a boyfriend who was going into the military...

Of all the things I've considered, this was never one of them. How is that even possible? I guess I always somewhat assumed I'd end up with a geek, not a jock. Man... :|

I just realized that this has been the first day since we met that we haven't talked. Jeez...

[They say absence makes the heart grow fonder; I guess I'll find out if that's all true]

-Sigh-

I care about him a lot. Maybe I'm not really attracted to him, and maybe I'm just not into it as much as he is, but I do care about him.

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Okay well, that's over [2P]
Monday, September 21, 2009
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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"Well this looks wrong"
Sunday, September 20, 2009
So.... I had my first kiss today... and it was not really great.

We were in the city, just waiting for the light to change, and he leaned over and kissed me on the lips. :3 Then we stood there and commented on how unspecial it seemed. XP

But anyway, I had my first kiss, and my second, and my third, and probably my one thousandth. Hehe.

I am ashamed to say that we were the "get a freakin' room" couple everywhere we went. D:

We were not, however, the "look like they're cannibals" couple. NO FACE EATING. Well at least I hope not. I told him I didn't want to kiss with an open mouth, and he pretty much respected that.

It was ridiculous though, guys. At first I wasn't kissing back, but after an hour or two I tried, and I guess that encouraged him, so the frequency of the kissing saw some exponential growth OH BY THE WAY did I mention we're actually in a relationship now?

This is kind of absolutely horrible, but I'm glad I can at least make him happy....

Oh yeah and I guess it's my birthday. Woo... I'm eighteen. :/

[Be glad I've spared you all the gory details of the past few hours...]

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The bits that sound more exciting...
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I've realized that my entries about me hanging out with him are kind of long and... yeah, pretty much just long. So this time I'll try and shorten it...

After a series of delays he showed up around 9:30 PM. He met my mom, and we went into the dorm building because he now has a valid, if extremely ghetto, ID.

Showed him my room, which was not a big deal.

We went back down to say goodbye to my mom, but then basically stalked her to the bus stop. D: Then he made us stay there until the bus came...

After that we went into the dorms again for some reason, and when we came down the stairs there was this big group of people there and they all started calling him Peter. We were both confused, to say the least. He seemed pretty amused by it, though. :P

Ummm walked around some more, then went to get gum at 7-11. It turned out that he couldn't go back on campus because they wouldn't let him past 11:30 or something, so we went to Dunkin Donuts to sit down. These two guys came in and these girls in front of us were like "oh we thought we saw the last of you guys tonight!"

...The guys started talking to him, being like "well Frank told us you'd be here, you know, blah blah blah...."

He went right along with it. :P I just stood there and laughed. XP The girls were looking at the guys in confusion, and turned to me and started asking if I knew them, and if Frank was his real name.... I just sort of shook my head and stepped away and said that no, his name was not Frank.

Anyway, after they figured out they were being had, I guess everyone thought it was pretty funny. The guys congratulated him on being an awesome actor, then turned to me and said "but you.... cracking up in the corner? You could use some work."

Heh.

Following eating the food we got, we kind of just sat there and stared at each other's eyes. But not like "oh, I love you so much muh muh muh" kinda romantic stare. Just studying. Blue eyes are so cool looking... my eyes are boring and brown. D:

End.

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Contrary to past beliefs
Friday, September 18, 2009
...Going to bed with wet hair does not cause brain damage.

(I don't know why I believed that when I was younger...)

Yeah, I took a shower at like midnight and couldn't really dry my hair, so I had to sleep with it wet... and as a result I woke up with some ULTRA SEXEH BEDHEAD. :P

Heh... I'm actually half serious about that. ;D

But no pictures, sorry. It would be way too awkward to take a picture with all these people around... and also... just meh. MEH.

Just listening to some oldies right now and-- OH YEAH I GOT MY BOX GUYS. It has a lot of junk in it like veggie jerky and all those jelly beans that I didn't eat at home...

[I picked out the ones I liked before... but my parents decided to send the ones that were left because apparently jelly beans are a healthy and nutritious snack for college students X|]

At least there are cashews. :D

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I know I'm tired...
Thursday, September 17, 2009
...When I start dreaming if I close my eyes.

The world around me is muffled and fades, and suddenly I'm not in this classroom anymore, I'm in a strange new world...

But then the professor's voice comes back, jerking me out of my half-conscious dreaming.

Yesterday I kept almost falling asleep... In DNY this is understandable, because the guy never actually teaches, he just shows us videos, and we sit in the darkness, held by a feeling of obligation that has been built into us over years of schooling...

We sit, starting at 7 AM, and do nothing while a voice drones on about the events that shaped modern New York. I doubt anybody is finding this that exciting.

Next is Psychology, where half the class is spent reviewing what we learned the previous session... At least it's colder in there, so it's not as easy to drift in consciousness.

I have an hour break after that, during which I don't usually do anything. Yesterday I bought a chocolate muffin from the library café and read a chapter of my history text...

Emergence of Global Society (history...) was when I was having the most trouble yesterday. I think she was reviewing the chapter we read or something... hard to say, because I wasn't completely there, mentally. Everytime I closed my eyes, things around me would get quieter and more vivid colors would rearrange themselves into dream-images...

And then of course the sound of reality would come back in a rush and I would raise my head, tiredly, and try to focus on what was just said.

I'm not hanging out with him today because he has to do something related to the Marines... but his parents want to meet me, and he wants to meet my mom... so we'll see how that goes, I guess.

[I get to eat today...]

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FINALLY, some pictures [2P]
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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So comfortable
Monday, September 14, 2009
For now I feel happy, and it feels right. I don't feel uncomfortable with this feeling anymore, and suddenly it seems like it's okay to smile when I'm by myself. And I couldn't stop if I wanted to.

He arrived at around three, and I went downstairs. We hugged, and he showed me the tickets he'd gotten for Madame Tussaud's wax museum. I asked him if he knew when it closed, but he didn't, so I had to go back into the dorms and look it up.

We took the bus to the subway station, and then the train to Times Square. The museum was fun... he posed with a lot of the figures and I took pictures. There's a little section in there called Scream, and they have people who are supposed to creep you out. He harassed them, heh... one of them he kept calling fake, but the guy wouldn't talk. I guess he got fed up with all the insults though, because he said "the only thing fake is your chain." :P

There was a creepy old-ish fat guy wandering around, taking pictures of himself with the figures. It was hilarious. :3 We asked him if he wanted to take a picture with us, then of us, since he declined for that, but he said no. For the rest of the time though, whenever we saw him, I laughed a little.

After the museum, we walked around the city. He had his arm around me and we just walked together, looking at the shops and street vendors. There was a Borders down one of the streets, so we went inside and looked around. It was uneventful, but not awkward or boring.

Around seven or so, we walked to another subway station and rode back to the school. At first we got on the wrong train, but I kind of knew we had, so I said we should ask someone if it was going the right way. A man told us that we were going in the wrong direction (as I suspected), so we hopped out at the next stop and waited for the F train going the other way. It took a little while, but it didn't matter. I like being with him wherever we are.

It was dark when we returned. Or, at least, as dark as it really gets around here. We sat on a bench in a little garden by the dorms, and just talked until eleven. He had his arm around me at first, and then we were leaning on each other, and after a while I just laid my head on his lap and we held hands.

It was nice. :) I've never held hands with anyone before, so it was a new experience for me. His hands are almost twice the size of mine... on the train back he played with my fingers, gently curling and uncurling them one by one... neither of us knew why he was doing it, but I didn't mind.

I feel so comfortable when I'm with him. It's all so surreal to me... we can just talk about anything, and he can put his arms around me and kiss me on the cheek and I don't feel weird about it. We haven't even known each other for a week and a half, but we seem to just get along really well...

He asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I couldn't think of anything. I told him I was happy to just spend time with him... so now we're going to hang out every day until he leaves, I guess. And I've got to figure out how to write decent letters so I can keep in contact with him while he's at bootcamp...

I was so happy earlier, but now I feel sad that he's going to leave. Things are going to be different without him... or the same as they were before we met. In other words, depressing.

---

I like it when he calls me "baby", and when he plays with my hair. I like it when we sit together and talk about everything and nothing. I like that he's spontaneous and fun and always has stories to tell, and that he's so protective of me...

I guess I really do like him.

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