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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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A funeral, a birthday, and Zippy's
Saturday, March 24, 2012
I went to my grandma's funeral today.

Wasn't going to cry, didn't even really feel that sad, but my cousin (she's only eight I think) started bawling when we were about to take the casket to be buried, and it got to me. I didn't break down or anything, I mean. Just a couple tears that escaped.

It's also my dad's birthday, so we went to Zippy's for dinner. Zippy's is a popular fast food restaurant here in Hawaii, but I guess they also have a slightly more upscale sit-down restaurant next to the normal fast food style one in Koko Marina, so we went there instead.

It's kind of weird, you know, about open-casket funerals. It always looks like the person is just sleeping. That's what I feel like, anyway. My grandpa's funeral was open-casket too and he looked like he was just taking a nap in a box. They put a lot of makeup on my grandma's hands, though, and it made her look a bit odd. Almost fake, I guess. Like she wasn't a real person. Otherwise, yeah, she just looked asleep, except that her mouth was closed and she wasn't snoring.

Tomorrow is my boyfriend's birthday, but since I'm in Hawaii, I can't spend it with him. I really want to get him something nice, but every time I ask him what he wants for his birthday he just says "you, I want you." I can't see him until after my finals are through (which should be next weekend), so hopefully I can figure out something good to give him before then.

Haven't really got much else to say. See ya round I guess.

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Oh, well I guess [UPDATED]
Thursday, March 15, 2012
I just don't care about anything anymore.

Not in a tired way, though. I'm just indifferent to everything.

Not in a "what's the point?" way either.

It's really weird.


I drew people from my chatroom tonight. I might draw more later, we'll see. I'll edit this post to show you the pictures when it's not 4 AM!


So, this is a few days late. Oh well, better late than never, right?

The first one I did.

I'm not happy with the way this one turned out, but apparently she liked it enough to save it. :S

Accidentally made him look a little like Yanni. D:

If I do more I will post those as well.

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A decline, a drop off?
Monday, March 12, 2012
I don't know what this means for me.

I can't tell how I feel. Nothingness, in some way. Maybe numb. And yet, fully immersed in reality.

Goddamn reality.

I'm solid and I feel solid, but it's like I'm not really here at all. I don't exist, therefore my memories are not real, and the past didn't truly happen.

I just want to sleep, I want to be alone and sleep for a week, for a month. I don't want to participate in society for awhile.

What have I done?

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From a past life...
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Well, not really from a past life, but it feels like it.

Listening to music I haven't listened to in a long time... bringing back memories of things that scarcely exist to me anymore.

Of course I know that they existed, and continue to exist, in reality, but within the sphere of my life, it's like they never did.

I have memories, but the subjects of the memories feel like they never existed in this life, for this version of me.

I remember someone singing, but it was to a different me in a different life.

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Adapting again
Thursday, March 8, 2012
So I was sort of derealized for... I dunno, 2+ years I guess?

And now I feel fully immersed in reality and it's unpleasant. It's just... weird. Things are all clear all the time and everything feels too... close.

Too real.

But that's the nature of reality I suppose.

I've been having trouble with my emotions these past few days. I'll... well, I won't really FEEL something, exactly. I'll have thoughts that would be associated with feelings, but the feelings themselves don't seem to reach me. It's really weird. It's making me somewhat more action-oriented than I usually am, though. Like, this not-exactly-emotions make me want to do things. And not good things.

I don't know... I'll figure this out eventually. I've always been able to adapt to these things. It just takes time.

I don't remember feeling this real before. I started feeling that haze in high school, sophomore year I think. So that would make it more like 4+ years where I was derealized/possibly depersonalized. And I never really thought much about what it was. I knew the terms, and I had considered that I might be, but it never REALLY sunk in. I guess it doesn't really matter, though. I'm just typing my thoughts out as they come, honestly.

...Think I might be sick. Having sinus issues. It's 1:22 AM, better sleep.

But first: I dreamt a scene, then thought I woke up from that, then thought I went back to sleep, and then in a later dream scene I was telling everybody about the dream I had had earlier, which, really, was just part of the same dream. My brain's going all Inception on me I guess.

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Pictures of stuff and a haircut [2P]
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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I haven't told many people this
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
But my grandma died Monday morning.

I'm not sure if I'm sad. I wasn't really close to her, as I think I mentioned before. And death is natural, of course.

The funeral is supposed to be the weekend of my dad's and boyfriend's birthdays. My family is going to fly out to Hawaii for the service, which will likely be small. Since my grandma had dementia, she didn't really keep in contact with her friends, and a lot of them are already gone anyway. It will probably be mostly just family attending.

That's all I really have to say.

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The Bullet Man and Green Whales
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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