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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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So, about Xanga
Friday, July 20, 2012
I guess Xanga has been having some technical issues, so I'm not sure if my pictures are showing up anywhere on my blog...

In addition to that, I was blocked from Xanga at home. Sent an email to them, they said they had some issues they were working through. -Shrug-

It might be time to find a different site to host my images...

Hawaii so far is... eh. Lots of hanging around my mom. :| I'm taking some pictures with a film camera, so I guess maybe I can scan some of them at some point in the future? Who knows.

I don't really have much else to say. Kind of bored and lonely. X|

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A variety of pictures I forgot to upload earlier
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Thursday, July 12, 2012
I am sentimental about my possessions, I suppose. My boyfriend could almost not be more opposite from me in that regard. He doesn't really like to keep anything.

Maybe we'll balance each other out? Both of our moms keep too much stuff, so hopefully we won't have to worry about loading up our living spaces with junk... Dunno. A lot of the time I just don't throw stuff out because I don't know how. Like, I don't want to just dump a brush I don't use into the trash. But do I give it away? Can you give brushes away? :S I guess it's more of an environmental concern than a sentimental one. I'm not particularly emotionally attached to old hairbrushes and stretched-out hairties.

I have some pictures here to show you.

My mom bought my dad a fruit tree that produces a bunch of different things... The peaches off it have been pretty good, but we ate all of them I think. Here's one.

(Apologies for the darkness...)

Here are some of the plums growing on the tree right now.

And some seeds for my budgies.

My mom has been babysitting these two boys for a few months. One of them is 3 and the other is 6. Usually just the 3 year old is at our house, since the 6 year old has soccer camp. I have some trouble entertaining him because he's pretty shy and quiet around me, but we did go outside to put peanuts out for the squirrels the other day.

They're both really into Angry Birds, so when I don't know what else to do I let them play it on my boyfriend's tablet...

(He basically calls it my tablet now, since he just left it at my house and hasn't taken it back, and apparently does not plan to take it back? X|)

My boyfriend and I are going on nine months now. :0 It's pretty crazy to think about. Things are really quite different when you're dating someone who lives close to you... I guess we're not tired of each other though, and actually I think he's amped up the affection a bit lately? Instead of just saying "I love you," now he says "I love you SO MUCH." He also sends texts like

"I think you're the most amazing thing on the planet and I love you."


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All I remember
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
I went down into the lab and saw long rows of tanks with a swampy green liquid inside. They were lit from behind with a dingy radioactive yellow light.

As I walked past them I realized that the clones I had seen earlier were not the real culprits, and they were actually the product of some terrible experiment by the scientists in the room. Each tank had a clone at a different stage of development, from the tiniest embryo to full grown adult.

I stepped closer to one of the tanks and was disturbed to see what appeared to be the original man the clones were made from, floating inside the liquid. He was old, very old, and seemed decayed around the edges from having been there so long. He looked a bit like a preserved animal in a jar, in fact.

In the brief moment I looked at him, he moved his hand toward me weakly and whimpered, "help me..." Horrified and taken aback, I walked away, trying to figure out how I would leave that terrible place. As I left the lab, I said loudly, "what a horrible thing! I would NEVER touch something like that!" to mislead the others there...

When I got back to my room I thought about what I wanted to take with me when I left, and decided I didn't need much. My digital possessions seemed important for some reason though, so I was trying to decide if I had time to transfer all my saved gifs and jpgs and text files.


I was at the top of a manmade cliff, a straight angled concrete structure overlooking a pool with reefs in it in my backyard. There was a Hispanic man paddling around the pool on a raft, and though it seemed I was hundreds of feet above him, when he stood at the base of the cliff on his raft, he could nearly reach the spot I was standing with his hand. The water couldn't have been more than four feet deep, but he called to his friends next to me, and one of them cannonballed down.

I was shocked, and thought he would surely hurt himself, but he swam away just fine.


He was touched by what had just happened, clearly.

"I want to make you part of my family," he told me-- or the girl who was me, perhaps, since I wasn't really part of the story as myself, but rather a consciousness attached to her.

It was much too serious, and I/she/we didn't feel that way. She/we backed away, uncomfortable, kind of worried. He repeated himself. "I've realized now, I want to make you a part of my family."

She/we tried to assure him that he was mistaken, that he didn't mean it like that, but he was dead set on it.

She was walking away from him when I woke up.

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Maybe PMS or something
Thursday, June 28, 2012
My mood is not great. Mood swings, I guess, but it feels more like "mood running around haphazardly and banging into walls."

Here is a picture of some food I made awhile ago but neglected to post a picture of until now.

It is quinoa + kidney beans + feta cheese + tapenade + cucumbers.

I didn't really have an appetite today, but I ate anyway because I was starting to get dizzy and physically I was hungry. The thought of food was making me feel tired, though.

Lately my mind's felt empty, tired, repetitive. I wish I could do another one of these, but I just don't have the overflow of thoughts anymore.

But maybe that means all that purging worked, I don't know.

I think about a lot of things in terms of having limited quantities.

It's not really rational in any way.

But I just think, "maybe I have a limited supply of thoughts, and I'm running out now," things like that.

It is probably just depression. That's usually what it is.

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Slow days
Friday, June 22, 2012
Wow, I thought people were just ignoring my entries, but it turns out that only one person has even been on my blog in the past four days. :S

We gotta get some new people here, dudes.

Also, yesterday I had a dream that I accidentally killed my boyfriend with a pickax and I was very upset. It wouldn't stop bothering me all day...

I'm so close to being done with school, gah. Just finals and then I'm out... I definitely fear for my grades this quarter, though. I think I've got a pretty solid chance of an A in four out of my five classes, but Sociology has got me worried.

I just stubbed my toe and I've been biting my lip and going "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF" for a few seconds.

Where is everybody these days on Nutang? D:

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Nightmares or just unsettling?
Saturday, June 16, 2012
I've been having some kind of creepy dreams lately, when I remember them.

Last night I dreamt I was sitting in this auditorium like structure, next to this group of girls. One of the girls was about to give birth.

I was trying to tell her to sit in a certain position so the baby would come out easier, but she wasn't paying attention, and was just huffing heavily. Then this... slit in her side opened and one of her friends pulled out this... thing.

It wasn't a baby. For some reason I had expected it to look at least like a newborn puppy, though. It looked like... a flesh colored... I don't know... flat slab leech sea cucumber thing? It was really gross. They all looked at it in adoration though, while I was busy being shocked and horrified. It was at least a foot long, and six inches wide, slimy and moving slightly.

The friend holding it put it into a bucket, where it seemed to turn into a more fish-like creature. Still flesh colored and horrible, but less horrible.

...Then they all pressured me to give my blood up for extra credit in the class. There were flyers being handed out that said we could just get the blood by donating some to a blood drive and then asking them to bag up an extra liter for us. I didn't really want to at first, but the girls kept pressuring me to, so I gave in.

Well, when I said I would, and I took the flyer, they started laughing at me and making fun of me for volunteering to give my blood up for the class. I suddenly felt ashamed and embarrassed and left to wait for my mom to pick me up.

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Hypotheticals, directions, futures, pain
Friday, June 8, 2012
I asked my boyfriend what we would do if I went back to New York.

He essentially broke down at the thought of me leaving. It would be immensely painful for him, he said, but if I decide it's worth it, he won't stop me.

We'll have been dating for eight months on the 17th. It seems so crazy. I mean, I feel like it's hardly been eight months at all. We're quite serious, though. It's kind of funny the way we discuss marriage and children and such. We've never actually agreed that we're going to go that far, but we talk as if it's going to happen. I guess I talk about it more in terms of "if" most of the time, but he talks about it with more... certainty?

Like the other night, he was telling me that we could have kids in a couple of years, but I would need to have some sort of income first. I was like, "what. I don't want to have kids in a couple years." I guess he thought I did, so he was quite relieved when I said that.

I dunno. Weird situation is weird.

He's worried that I'll go to New York and like it more than I like him, and not come back, or I'll have so much fun there that I'll decide he's boring and drop him. I guess it's partially him reliving the trauma of his first relationship... He dated her for three years in high school, then moved to L.A. to continue dating her when she was accepted to UCLA. He wasn't accepted into UCLA, so he moved there earlier than she did to go to a community college on a different term schedule... And as soon as she got there, she dumped him.

Every time I think about that I just want to kick her down a flight of stairs. It's not the breakup itself that bothers me, but the way she did it. If she didn't want to be with him forever, and she didn't want the relationship to be that serious, why couldn't she tell him BEFORE he moved down there? Ugh. In any case, I would never do something that awful.

It's kind of terrible... I've been listening to this song a lot the past couple days:

I mean, I listened to it before I mentioned the possibility of moving to him, but still.

(For the record, I did NOT just spring this on him with no prior warning. I told him before we started dating that I did not want to enter a relationship because of this specific problem. Once we were together, I also repeatedly mentioned my desire to go back to New York. I was a bit quiet about it for a few months, but I've never given any indication that I changed my mind and want to stay in California, as far as I know.)

This is complicated. I love him so much, and I hate the thought of hurting him, but I've also been dreaming of going back to New York for something like two years now. It wouldn't mean the end of our relationship necessarily, but... well... long distance. :/ And here I was thinking I'd never go long distance again. -Sigh-

Nothing is set, though. I need to figure these things out.

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