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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Trying to stay positive, not an easy way to live
laugh right through the pain
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
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Sent
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Replied with a single question mark. He may interpret that as he wishes.

Today I was asked:

"What do you like in a guy?"

I keep wanting to respond to these queries with something to the effect of "lolololololololol" (said with arms up in the air and the face below).



But instead I said that I didn't really have any specific criteria.

I feel really bad about this in a way. I mean, I think I might be leading him on. I don't want to do that... But I wonder if I enjoy doing this and am secretly a horrible sadistic person. Anything is possible, after all.

EVERYTHING IS FUNNY TODAY. It's 'cause I'm tired. Everything is so damn hilarious when I'm tired. My keyboard is funny. Hell if I know why. Just looking at the little white letters on the black keys makes me laugh to myself.

That asian guy from my Astronomy class has continued to prod me with conversation. He is not really winning my heart, I must say. Everytime he sits down near me he says "hi assassin," since he has decided that is my nickname. Today he asked me if I watched Naruto by any chance. I swear, he has a fixation with my headbands. DUDE, I AM NOT A NINJA. >:0

Everything is just like, HAHAHAHAHHA

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How to respond...
Monday, May 2, 2011
I got a message from a guy I went to school with.

"are you the [my name] from elementary school?"

We were never really friends. Actually, I quite dislike(d) him.

How I want to reply:

"Are you the dick who made fun of me in elementary school, middle school, and high school?"

Holding a grudge? Me? Oh, goodness no... It's not like I distinctly remember every time he poked fun at me or anything...

Some may say "oh, he probably just like(d) you..." Well y'know what? Screw that. Even if he did/does, and now he wants to confess his undying love over the internet, he can go die in a hole. He teased me every time I let my guard down. He was consistently a dick to me every time we came into contact.

Dude needs to get the hell out of my life.

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May already... [DP]
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Disturbing...
Friday, April 29, 2011
Don't have a new router yet. I'm still using the front computer.

I just took a nap, and I had... kind of a disturbing dream.

In it, I started out pregnant. That was uh... all fine and good, I guess. When I had the baby, all I did was squat down in what felt like an isolated/abandoned bathtub and it... came out without a hitch. There was no labor.

The "baby" was a sixteen year old boy. I had no affection for him.

I went to talk to my mom about the pregnancy. She was surprised that the birth wasn't intense, and told me that it had been for her. I thought to myself that I had been clever doing it the way I did, and was... kind of smug about it. I guess I was also pleasantly surprised that taking advice from Cracked had been such a good idea. [See HERE]

My body even seemed fine. I had on a shirt, and it felt like I was exactly the same weight that I had been before getting pregnant. My tummy wasn't flabby or anything at all.

But... when I lifted up my shirt a little to see if I had stretch marks, I was rather horrified to discover that I had two patches of what looked like tractor marks on the sides of my stomach. They were very deep grooves.

Like this, except in my flesh, and scaled down.


There were also a ton of quarter-sized itchy red patches on my torso. I had no idea what they were, but their presence worried me.

Later, I was again horrified, because all the red patches had apparently been new nipples sprouting up on me. They weren't clustered close together or anything, but were spread out on the skin of my stomach, chest and back. You could only see them if I lifted up my shirt...

I wondered if they were there to nurse my child, but he was already sixteen, so it seemed like that couldn't be the reason. They were still red, just kind of dark brown in the middle where the new flesh was poking out. I looked like I had been infected with an alien disease...

---

Yeah, I woke up feeling extremely freaked out, but I couldn't remember the dream, so I didn't know why I felt that way. My mom thinks I had it because the room was too hot...

---

Yesterday I had a dream that I was going to the environmental studies center at school, and it was raining. When I got inside I was dry though. It looked nothing like the building it was representing... actually it felt kind of like a larger version of my grandparents' house in Hawaii. Tropical.

People were gathered around a TV in the room I entered first. They were watching a movie where people with shovels were mechanically raising them up and bringing them down on the ground beneath the frame. I could hear sobbing screams of pain from the left area outside the camera field. Then it panned to a naked blonde girl on the ground who was covered with little red gashes. They were beating her to death with the shovels.

Feeling disturbed, I walked away to see what was on the other TVs. Some old people were watching something in black and white, but I didn't find it interesting.

I left, and went to talk to my dad about the movie I had seen. He recognized it, and said "ah, yes, that's Marsh Alley or Marshmallow." Apparently it was a classic movie from the seventies. He said "you used to do the Pledge of Allegiance, right?" I nodded. "Well, it's like that."

---

I don't know why I keep having these creepy dreams...

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Just in case
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
You know how I sometimes post those entries that say "I'll be going here... no internet access... expect no posts for a few days" blah blah etc. etc.? Well, the router in my house has died, so my dad had to wire up the front computer to work directly with the internet... or something...

I have no connection in my room, so I'm not sure how active I'll be until we get a new router. Just giving a warning to anyone who might notice/care.

Also I sort of got hit on today by an asian dude in my astronomy class. XD

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Late, and not as late, pictures
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Still feeling vaguely antisocial.

Moustachioed wink.


I saw this woman teaching her kid to buy lottery tickets at Safeway.


Pretty roses at the bank.


Looks kind of like tissues that someone bled all over.

My mom and I went to this rockery (place that sells rocks... who'd have guessed?) on Friday. I didn't take a picture of the whole setup, though. Here's the stuff we got.


I had to shovel it into bags, which wasn't really hard, but kind of annoying because the bag wouldn't stay up.


Exciting.


I never knew that rocks/gravel were so cheap before.

Also there was this large dog in the store.


It smelled kind of like dirt and old smoke in there. I looked at the tools and wondered which one a person would grab if they intended to kill us.

I had a dream that I went to the beach, and there was sort of a toll booth setup before you could go in. There was a coat check, and it was $39. We heard that there was a murderer on the beach though, so I decided to check my bag and jacket so I wouldn't have them in the way while I was dealing with the murderer.

She came up from the beach right then though, so I felt like I had wasted my money. I gave an exasperated sigh and then turned around to fight her.

There was a middled aged blonde woman next to her. I guess she was her accomplice... I knew she was probably supporting her just so that she wouldn't be killed. The murderer herself was young, maybe around my age. Pretty. She held a large meat cleaver in her right hand as she advanced on me. When she swung it, she missed, and I wrestled it away from her. It was a long, slender knife now.

I hit her on the head with it, but it didn't really cut her much. Made some marks, but I was trying to just knock her out. I hit her and her accomplice enough that I won, and we were in my living room, near the kitchen, and it was dark except for some candlelight flickers.

Since they had lost, I was going to hold out the knife and they were going to run toward it and impale themselves on it to die. The knife had changed again and was a tiny thin blade with a serrated edge.

The accomplice was gone, but the girl ran toward me and I stabbed her. It didn't kill her, so I kept stabbing her. There was no blood. I could feel the knife going into her, and I thought to myself that now I knew what it was like to kill someone. I could see the slits the knife made, but she never fell. I just woke up.

---

Also dreamt that I was... sort of rescued, I guess, by a guy in a Phantom-of-the-Opera-esque scenario. He took me away while the antagonist was distracted...

We went to this shop that had a bunch of clothes and things. I guess there was also sort of a party/get together there. It wasn't really my scene, but I wanted to browse through the clothing to find some dresses to try on. The guy who was with me, who was my boyfriend I guess, was kind of bored as I looked around. I couldn't really find anything I liked, and I suggested that he look for something he thought would look good on me. He walked away in search of something.

All the dresses I found seemed like they wouldn't look good because they would exaggerate my hips, or they seemed too skimpy or didn't have sleeves. He came back with a dress that looked kind of like a long t-shirt with the sleeves and part of the collar cut away.

I settled on something else, but he left, so when I came out of the dressing room (which was sort of like a square dining booth against the wall with a curtain around it...) he was gone. I stood there by myself, looking for him, and felt like he didn't want to be with me. It was that kind of sickish-alone feeling that you can feel in your body as a sort of cold, twisting emptiness.

---

Notice is such a big factor in death.

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PTK
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I got an email from school that says I'm eligible to join Phi Theta Kappa.

...Yay... I guess...

There's a bit on the application where I have to put the month and year I'm graduating from the school.

Maybe it's just me (or I'm feeling cynical), but I thought that was funny.

Graduation from a two year college? Who cares? I guess it's a big deal for some people. I just don't care much about life right now in general.

Keep imagining my dead body in various places. I've been thinking a lot about slow motion sequences that involve me getting hit by a car, or falling off something tall, or just being killed in various ways. I wouldn't say I'm actively suicidal (I mean c'mon... when am I ever, really), but the daydreaming is a little more frequent than usual.

I had a dream that I was being chased by some law enforcement people because sorcery had been outlawed by the government and it was 3320 AD. I ran with two women who were my sisters and we hid in houses and behind boxes. Eventually they were gone and it was just me trying to evade capture. I hid in my apartment, which seemed nicely furnished (I guess I had dedicated a lot of time to making it cozy), but they found me, so while they were in the house, I ran to the bathroom (which was sort of a sauna, with wooden benches instead of a bathtub/shower behind the glass door) and climbed out the window. My plan was to hang down from the ledge and drop to the window below me, and then jump from that one to the ground and make a run for it. This worked out fine, and I quickly made my way through some of the neighbors' yards and over their fences.

When I got over the last fence, I landed on the edge of a large green field. There was a playground in the middle of it in front of me, and several yards behind that was a single large apartment complex. I was in China, so the police couldn't arrest me there. I walked past the playground towards the building, but woke up before anything else happened.

I wonder if my chase dreams are going to come back...

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Budgie budgie budgies and then mildly irritated fatigue
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I don't know. I just needed a title.

Cici has been coming out of the cage on her own rather frequently as of late. My brother complained that she was wandering around the house when I wasn't home, and that he had to put her back in the cage. I honestly don't really have a problem with that, as long as she doesn't get hurt or we can't find her. Budgie droppings are easy to clean up and don't smell bad, so that's not a big deal at all.

Oh, well she just went back inside. Guess she had enough of sitting on top of the cage.

The past few days I've been in a mildly bad mood. I don't even really feel bad or anything, but I just don't want to... socialize. Alice wasn't helping at all. She was sort of in a playful/annoying mood, so she kept telling me I should stop judging her, and that I was so judgemental all the time. (I know it's spelled 'judgmental' in American English, Google Chrome, but I don't give a damn)

I know it's just her joking around, but I'm finding this particular mock-complaint rather irritating. I understand that some of the joke may be that she herself is pretty judgemental, so she's being a hypocrite, but it's just not working for me at all. Maybe I'd prefer if she used sarcastic tones instead of playfully pleading ones. I don't know. Probably not, really. When she's sarcastic she can come off as really bitter and selfish, which I don't really like either.

Today she was complaining that her mom won't let her spend her own money. The discussion moved on to money and savings in general, and Erika commented that she only had to pay $45 for her classes total, excluding books, because she had gotten some sort of special grant or something, since she and her mother have no income. Alice... pretty much ignored that, and wondered aloud if she could get the same deal, since she doesn't work anymore. (She goes horseback riding instead...) She told us that she has about $100,000 in her college fund, which is a hell of a lot more than I have, and I think Erika might be doing Work-Study.

Alice kept talking about how her parents won't let her buy clothes anymore, and how they don't approve anything she wants to buy, except for a $400 leather jacket...

She sounded pretty much like a spoiled brat the entire time, and I wasn't in the mood to hear it.

It's not really that she's being excessively inconsiderate to me personally, since my family has enough to get by right now, but I really didn't think it was appropriate in any way for her to be complaining about her "problems" like that when we were talking to Erika.

When I think about it, I actually have a pretty negative view of my best friend. You'd think this would be more of an issue, since her personality actually contains a lot of elements that I'm strongly opposed to in my personal values system, but somehow it doesn't come up that often.

So tired lately.

---Edit---

I can never get over the weirdness of rediscovering old profiles on the internet. I signed up for a bunch of different sites when I was thirteen, and every now and then I run into them again and have absolutely no recollection of the things I've put there. I feel like an internet squirrel, burying nuts everywhere and forgetting them.

Nothing I've buried has grown into a tree, though.

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