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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Overcoming adversity
Sunday, September 2, 2012
"Overcoming adversity" is something you are supposed to talk about when you are trying to impress people, I guess. It's something you read about in newspapers and write about in college application essays.

But what qualifies as overcoming adversity? Do you have to be born poor and work your way into financial success? Do you have to lose a limb but still win a gold medal in the Olympics? Do you have to be abused terribly but still turn out "normal"?

I don't really know.

At what point does a personal struggle become something other people will respect? Does the struggle have to be external-- physical-- tangible-- or do internal things count too? You hear about people who "battle their demons"... If they win, do you commend them?

...Or do you just give them a pat on the back, say "good job," and promptly ignore them?

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Sentiments and materials
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Thinking about this, just now... I think I might deal with emotions better when I can attach them to physical objects.

For example, I rarely think about the three months I spent writing my first boyfriend while he was in boot camp. I have his letters from that period, stored in my closet, but they're generally subject to that old adage, "out of sight, out of mind."

In some cases it feels like I can't really let some thoughts rest until I have some sort of receptacle to dump them into. Maybe that's why writing out all those things helped me, a few years ago. I needed to get it out into the physical world.

I wouldn't call it expression though, not really. It doesn't necessarily have to do with creation. I just need to have some sort of... symbolic token, I guess? If the emotions in it are bad, I can put it away, and if they're good, well, it doesn't really matter I guess.

Some people put sentiment into certain music, or movies, but that's not really there so much for me. I can listen to "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer, and it makes me think of sitting in Sports Authority with Ray, but the emotions aren't there. Or well, the emotional memory, perhaps.

For Sentimental Reasons by Various Artists on Grooveshark


My mom is pushing me to look towards the future, but I feel like I'm withdrawing into the past. I'm remembering all these details from when I was in third grade, and my best friend was a girl named Nicole. We walked to her house after school one day, and I was supposed to walk back home by myself, but I got scared halfway back because I wasn't sure if I was going the right way. I don't think I turned back, since I've always been more afraid of asking for help than wandering around, but I remember standing at the corner of a block, and the house there had a tree on the lawn with one of those plastic kiddie-chair swings, in yellow.

Another time, we had a sleepover at her house, and we were both supposed to be sleeping on the sofa-turned-bed, but the TV was on and she had fallen asleep. I was worried that it was wasting energy, and I couldn't sleep with it flashing at me anyway, so I trying to figure out how to turn it off, but couldn't, so it was making me anxious. It was one of those old sets, the kinds with dials instead of buttons, and had wood paneling instead of plastic. I really wanted to turn it off, but I was afraid to wake her up to ask her...

She lived with her grandparents, because her mom was only sixteen when she had Nicole, but she called them Nana and Papa. Her great grandmother also lived with them, and Nicole told me she was 90.

They always had red licorice in a plastic candy jar with a green lid next to the dining table. I think they had Goldfish too, but I was wary of crackers that weren't in the original packaging.

Remembering these things makes me kind of sad, but I remember so much, all the time.

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Sleep tunes
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Was having a dream that I was competing on Iron Chef, and we had to make a dessert with various cheeses. I topped mine with a dollop of something called raspberry coulade, which was sort of like a thick fruit puree with no seeds, and then overheard one of the other contestants talking to someone about how the judges looked down on coulades.

In any case my entry won, though. So, suck it, middle aged blonde woman contestant whose dessert looked exactly like mine except with more slices.

I also woke up with a 30s-sounding song in my head-- men singing "Xanadu" and whistling a vaguely familiar tune. There's a bit of a wistful feel to it. It kept playing on repeat until a few minutes after I got on the computer, at which point I forgot it. :(

The voices sounded like the ones in this...

The best things in life, to you are just loaned,
So tell me how can you ever lose what you never owned?

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So, that video I posted in the previous entry... [2P]
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Yayyyy, it's been reuploaded!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
I was so sad when I couldn't watch this anymore because SaladUK had closed his Youtube account, but now it's back!

Also, for some reason, it just keeps playing on repeat. o_O I'm not sure how this happened, I'm not on Youtube Repeat or anything. Oh well. I suppose I shall enjoy it.

My boyfriend is in the computer room in my house, playing some video game. He keeps losing and yelling obscenities at the screen... When he doesn't get enough sleep, he gets REALLY grumpy. >_>

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Heaps o' pictures [2P]
Monday, August 6, 2012
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Something feels better
Monday, July 30, 2012
I woke up feeling pretty down. The feeling continued throughout most of the day.

I wasn't really in the mood to socialize, but I thought I should say something to my boyfriend, if only to check in with him. Talking to him when I'm depressed generally isn't a good idea, because he doesn't know what to say, but I think it kind of worked out alright this time.

Past times, he would get frustrated and tell me I don't listen to him when he tries to tell me good things about myself, or just say he didn't know what to say and that he was going to do something else. It bothered me a lot that he did that, but I would generally just let him go and keep on feeling depressed. He'd also ask me what I wanted him to say, but well, I didn't know. I don't want to just feed people lines to give back to me.

This time, I told him that when he does that, it makes me feel like he's ignoring me and doesn't care, and that sometimes I just want him to talk to me. I don't talk to him because I expect him to have the answers, or because I want him to fix me. I don't just want him to give me reasons I'm a good person or compliment me. I just... want someone I can talk to.

Finally figuring out how to say that really helped, I think. I calmed down a lot and we talked for awhile, and I felt better. Well, I feel better.

For the first time in a few days, I think I feel okay.


He surprised me by calling me by my middle name... I didn't think he remembered. I wonder if he recalled that I don't like my first name or if it was just him showing me he remembers some things.


Something else that was really nice tonight: I checked my Facebook and Casey replied to my message. It's a month and a half late, but I'm just really glad to be in contact with her.

This isn't really a :) feeling. More like a :') feeling.

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[Title thing]
Monday, July 23, 2012
I wander somewhere in or out of make believe
And dream about the world I'm leaving for you...

...Lady Aberlin's muumuu...

This is such a nice song. :P

ikima, I forgot to mention, Brick Oven is only on Kauai, and since I'm on Oahu, it's a bit far to revisit. X| Oh well. I have memories. They gave me and my brother balls of dough to play with while we waited for our food. It was much more fun than the typical crayons they usually hand out to kids at eating establishments, although I think they also gave us crayons... I can't have been older than seven or so at the time...

I have been starting to remember my dreams often again. There was a bit of one though which I'm having trouble figuring out in terms of whether it was a dream or reality. It wasn't anything significant, just confusing.

He hasn't said it in real life, I think, but he has certainly said things similar to it. Just that particular phrase, no. (I think)

It's a bit of a pain when it gets hard to tell dreams from reality. X|

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