From How People Change by Allen Wheelis (pg. 30):

The more we are strong and daring the more we will diminish necessity in favor of an expanding freedom. "We are responsible," we say, "for what we are. We create ourselves. We have done as we have chosen to do, and by so doing have become what we are. If we don't like it, tomorrow is another day, and we may do differently."

Each speaks truly for himself, the one is just so determined, the other is just so free; but each overstates his truth in ascribing his constraint or his liberty to life at large. These truths are partial, do not contend with each other. Each expresses a quality of experience. Which view one chooses to express, to the exclusion of the other, better describes the speaker than the human condition.

I last read this book over two years ago, and I'm currently rereading it for my book club. I remember now why I found it so vitalizing and inspiring. Wheelis is so good at explaining Existential viewpoints simply and relatably. Moving past dichotomous conceptions without any fluffy language.

There is no switch between freedom and necessity that you can turn on and off; trying to talk to people about their responsibility for themselves does not have to be shaming or blaming. It is a mindset that can be cultivated, but people aren't living a lie if they aren't seeing their own freedom. It's like any skill... having the potential to be good at something doesn't mean you should be blamed for not already being good at it. These things take time, energy, effort, motivation, patience. I wish that people would more readily accept responsibility as a good thing, as an empowering thing. I am responsible for my pain but I am also responsible for my enjoyment, for my growth, for my peace and happiness. External factors do contribute, of course, but there's so much possibility within the self to change and expand.

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Thinking about some of the background mental processes that run behind my more pressing thoughts. Things that don't necessarily have much bearing on what I do or think, but are still just... there.

One of the ones that used to be a main insecurity for me, but has faded to a whisper, is "___ if you were thinner." Examples of this include:
"They'd be nicer to you if you were thinner."
"He would still love you if you were thinner."
"You'd be prettier if you were thinner."

I'm well aware that those don't stand up well to reality testing, but it's sort of an automatic thought that comes up. Generally I just let it pass, but it drops in to say hello sometimes, mostly if I'm feeling down.

They'd want to be friends with you if you were thinner.

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Have been feeling conflicted about a friendship recently. Not feeling like that person understands me. Ironically, other people have been going to that person for information about me, which is... unfortunate. It's something I've been processing for a couple weeks, trying to figure out how to bring up. I don't like to let feelings of unease fester. Stuff just eats away at you if you do that, and I would like to work this out if possible. I'm tired of feeling misunderstood and unheard.

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Yesterday was quite long. On Thursdays I'm usually out of the house for about 14 hours, but I was out 16 hours on 5 hours of sleep yesterday. Surprisingly awake the entire day though! I woke up at 5 AM and stayed awake until past midnight, and I didn't even nap.

My normal schedule on Thursdays is roughly as follows:
5 AM: Wake up
6:30 AM: Leave for train station
8:30 -11:30 AM: Class
11:30 AM - 3 PM: Long break
3 - 6 PM: Class
6:20 PM: Walk to train station
8:30 PM: Finally get home

I didn't get home until more like 10:30 PM yesterday because some of my classmates wanted to go to a bar after school and I wanted to get to know them better. Going to a bar will never be my first choice for a social setting, but I accept that that's an accommodation I have to make in this culture. It wasn't like I hated it or anything, it was just kind of loud and harder to have a conversation. Also the entire place smelled like beer, which was pretty disgusting. I got to talk to one of the girls I've been feeling... hesitant... about, though, which was cool. She said that she was also glad to get to know me better. I think we're both making efforts to be open to learning about each other rather than avoiding contact because we're wary of each other.

There were a few things I felt pretty good about yesterday. During my 3.5 hour break, I had lunch with one of my classmates who I think is becoming my friend, but then he wanted to work on a paper, so I was wandering around on my own. I decided to walk around the city and ended up at a plaza that had some interactive exhibits. One of the exhibits was a gravel pit that had some sensors in it to measure how quietly you could walk. I was looking at it, and the guy who was manning it invited me to try it. He pushed a button to reset the score and I walked across. Got a 2.5, and I wasn't sure if that was good or bad, but he said it was good and encouraged me to try again and see how much lower I could get my score (higher = more noisy, so a low score was better). I did it several times, mostly getting lower scores, and he was very encouraging and friendly. My final score was 0.1 out of a possible 100. Felt pretty pleased with myself. He told me he knew I could do better than my first score and that confidence was key, haha. I'd been feeling kind of lonely before then because I wanted to hang out more with people, but I felt better after that interaction.

When I was walking back to school, I saw some bright distorted reflections on the side of the school building, and they were quite beautiful. Rippling ovals with luminous outlines scattered across the wall. I wish I could have taken a picture.

In my second class, we did dyads, which are just activities where one person is the therapist/listener and the other is the client/talker and you're in each role for 15-20 minutes, and you get feedback about how you did as the therapist/listener. The girl I partnered up with was someone I hadn't really talked to before, but I liked her and I felt like there was some camaraderie over a shared feeling about our program. It was nice to feel like someone got what I was saying. She laughed in that way that people laugh when you're speaking bluntly about something they relate to but have felt shy about admitting. The laughter of relief, and amusement, and the tiniest amount of guilt about how good it feels to finally be open. It was laughter I could connect with.

I've been feeling like it's hard to really connect with people in my program because there's so much seriousness and not enough playfulness. In my T-group, I've made a few jokes now that just did not land, and it was really awkward to say something that got taken literally. Feeling happy and playful and wanting to laugh are parts of my authentic experience, but I feel restricted in sharing that in the group because of the somber atmosphere. The seriousness makes me want to be extra silly during the break between classes. Yesterday I was wondering when the last time I'd skipped was, and I had no idea, so I skipped down the hall, and it was pretty fun. It's fun AND it's faster than walking, and if I weren't weighed down by a backpack and my lunch bag, I might skip around San Francisco more, haha.

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I'm still greatly enjoying my new speakers. When certain songs come on and I'm hit with the richness of their sound, I can't help but break out in smiles. I love feeling the bass pulsing through my body.

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Even though I've generally been feeling pretty good lately, I've also been missing some people and wishing I could talk to them. Mostly people I was close to once, but am not in contact with for one reason or another. One of them is someone I haven't talked to for years, and things did not end on good terms between us, but I still miss talking to him and I think about what he'd say about various things sometimes. I didn't want to miss him for a long time, but as I've been feeling more settled in myself, I've become more accepting of "what is" rather than "what should be." Missing him doesn't have to mean I necessarily want him back. I'm just being honest with myself about how I feel and letting myself sit with that feeling. It doesn't feel like I'm dwelling on it or like I'm "not over it" necessarily. I think part of my avoidance before was related to not wanting to feel shamed over having any feelings whatsoever around him, but when it comes down to it, maybe that's just how I operate. I carry everyone I've ever loved with me in some way, because people are significant to me. I'm learning to be at peace with that. It doesn't actively cause me distress generally, so I don't think it's unhealthy. I think it is genuinely okay.

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Today was a really good day. I went up to the city to meet with one of my professors, and we spent a couple hours talking about what happened in class with my controversial classmate on Wednesday, and about the broader social implications of it. She said that she thought it was impossible to bridge the gap and get through to people sometimes, and I said I didn't think it was. My reaction surprised her, but she said that it was heartening and that I'd given her hope. She also said I seemed very balanced and healthy and asked if I had any idea why I am the way I am now. I couldn't really give her a clear answer on that one, as I've been pondering it for awhile myself. Obviously I have my bad days, but overall, I've definitely been trending up for awhile in terms of my mental health and general centeredness as a person. My last year of school was hard on me, but I'm doing much better now.

After leaving the meeting, I felt radiant.

My prof said I seem to be on the right track with my aims, and that she had the urge to be a cheerleader to me, but she didn't want to pressure me to follow her ideas. I told her that I am doing what I want, and it's not about what other people think I should do. I make my own goals, based on my own values. Other people are useful sources of information, and on rare occasions, inspiration, but I'm not trying to win the approval of any particular person.

The conversation was heartening for me too, although I haven't been feeling like I'm stuck or headed in an unclear direction recently. It just felt nice to have the self-work I've done acknowledged.

I picked up some stuff I needed from The Body Shop (tea tree face wash-- I think it's been helping keep my skin clear since I started using it religiously again) and took the train back home. My dad picked me up and asked if I'd ordered something, because a very large package had arrived for me... I couldn't think of anything I'd ordered, so I was confused. When I got home, there was a big box addressed to me, and I opened it and found out that Kyle had sent me some speakers for my computer!

Here's one of them:

So, for a long time I had a super ghetto speaker setup. For a number of years I just had some old iPod speaker dock plugged into my headphone jack, but that kinda stopped working, so I was just using this other dinky little speaker that my mom gave me for free. It's like... some portable bluetooth speaker that also has an aux port. As much as I love music, I just haven't cared to invest in good audio equipment, I guess. Didn't seem super important to me to have high quality sound, haha. Kyle got tired of me having such a terrible setup though, so he sent me this super nice gift. BESTTTT FRAAAAAANDDDD. <3

WOW though, what a difference it makes! I've never had nice speakers before, so it's been like listening to all my music for the first time... I'm really enjoying it. :) Love feeling all the rumbles from the bass, and experiencing a new depth in the songs. I kind of want to just stay in my room and listen to music for days, but alas, I have class tomorrow...

So yeah, a bunch of good things today! Someone I used to be friends with also messaged me on OKC and told me to text him so we could catch up, and that was cool. I shot him a text, but he hasn't responded yet, so I'll see if we end up hanging out or anything I guess. All his profile pictures on OKC look like he was doing some kind of bodybuilding modeling, haha. I'll have to ask what that was about...

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"Hammock" by Millionyoung.

Oh there once was an island, lost in the sea
Once were two lovers, just my love and me
While we laid in our hammock, the sun in our eyes
I told her I loved her, and that we'd survive

This song is lush and delirious with a touch of darkness, like spinning around in a humid jungle, all the colors of everything blurring together in your vision. Looking for someone you can't find.

I socialized with people today, but it left me feeling exhausted, just totally emotionally drained. Sadness is seeping in a little because of the tiredness. I think I'll probably feel more energized in the morning though.

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I had a really fun date tonight! It's weird to knowingly declare that I went on a date, but well, that's what it was, I suppose. Feels alien, this concept of going on dates, but apparently that's a thing I do now.

We met up around 6 PM and got dinner at an Indian restaurant, and both of us got dosas that were suuuuuper spicy. Like, so-hot-it-makes-you-cry spicy. My eyes were watering that entire meal, and I kept having to wipe them so I could see. It was enjoyable though, and we were both laughing a lot about it. I think it was a great way to get comfortable with each other! We talked for awhile at the restaurant about a lot of things, and he disclosed some stuff about himself and his history that he thought I should know. I really appreciated his honesty. I don't think anything was necessarily a dealbreaker, but we'll see how things look as we get to know each other better.

After dinner, he drove us to mini golf. Both of us were bad, but I was clearly worse, haha. We just stopped trying to keep score eventually, because it took so many tries to get the ball into the hole that we lost count. I joked that my ball wouldn't stop coming back to me because it loved me. He thought that was a sweet way to look at it. It felt very easy to talk to him, and the conversation flowed well. I'm sure it helped that we had an activity to take up some of our attention, though.

He asked if I'd be down to go to a park afterwards, and I said yeah. It was a bit cold outside at that point, so he gave me his jacket to wear. We walked to a nearby grocery store first and got a couple things to drink and a pack of gum. I told him I liked folding things out of gum wrappers, and he gave me his to fold, so I folded into a heart (the only thing I really ever make). He put it in the front pocket of his shirt. I'm guessing he won't remember it's there, haha. After looking up nearby parks on his phone, we decided to walk to one that was about 20 minutes away. He seemed happy that I said I'd rather walk there than drive.

The park was pretty well-lit, though the lights themselves were that soft sodium yellow that lets the night retain some mystery. I saw a big fake rock on the playground and went straight for it, climbing up to sit on top, and he followed me. We sat there for a good chunk of time just chatting about stuff-- past experiences, the value of suffering, growth, philosophy-- and I felt like we'd thought about a number of things in similar ways, but had reached different conclusions. It was very interesting. At some point he said he'd like to sit against a tree to have some back support, so we got down off the rock and went to a tree. He asked if I was okay sitting on the ground, and I said no, because you can't see what's on the ground and there could be bugs. I was semi-kidding, but I was like "what if I get bugs in my pants? I don't want bugs in my pants!" and he laughed and asked why not. Funnily enough, after we'd been sitting there for a bit, he was like "...I think we're on an ant hill or something, because I'm pretty sure that there are ants on me right now. It feels like they're in my pants." I felt so vindicated. We ended up moving to a different tree, and he put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. :3

I don't think I've ever cuddled on a first date before. I felt really comfortable with him though, so I didn't mind. It was nice. The cuddling was also somewhat motivated by the cold on his part, haha. I had his jacket on, so I wasn't too cold, but he was, and he was holding onto me because I was warm. XD I ended up sitting on his lap because my feet were falling asleep from the position I was in (kind of crouching but leaning against the tree), and I mentioned that and he pulled me onto his lap so that I could actually sit down. I'm surprised by how relaxed I was about it. It didn't feel weird or anything, even though I haven't known him that long.

Even though I enjoyed the cuddling, eventually I wanted to get up and go back to the playground, and we ended up sitting on the swings briefly. He said he had to go to the bathroom though, so he got up and tried the door of the park restroom, which was, predictably given the time of night, closed. I was like "I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE LOCKED" and he said he'd have to go find a tree to go behind, and asked if I would be weirded out by that. I said I wouldn't be, so he went off somewhere to do it, and I climbed around on the playground equipment. I love being on playgrounds, and I wish it didn't feel taboo to do it as an adult.

I was jumping on the bridge when he got back. It was made of some kind of flexible suspended material, so I invited him to jump on it with me, and we bounced each other up a few times by jumping on it. He said it felt silly but he was clearly enjoying it from the way he was smiling. I ran around on the equipment some more, then asked what time it was, and he pulled out his phone and said it was around 1 AM. That was pretty surprising to me, as I thought it'd be closer to 10 PM. It felt like the evening had gone by so quickly. We hung around the park a little longer, then walked back to the mini golf course and took his car back to the restaurant, where my car was. Chatted a bit in the car, and I told him about how energy drinks can affect me. Illustrated my point by mimicking some of my hyper behaviors in the past, which he thought was cute. Around 2 AM though, it was time to part ways, because neither of us wanted to be too tired to drive home safely. We briefly discussed when we might be able to hang out next, but didn't make concrete plans.

Hanging out with him was really nice and I feel excited about doing it again. The stuff we talked about made me feel connected to him, and I'm very keen on exploring that connection.

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There is a person in my cohort who is a figure of some controversy, for various reasons. He doesn't speak the language of therapy school and has, somewhat inadvertently I think, rubbed a number of people the wrong way. As a result, some people feel less than friendly towards him, and I suspect he's having trouble making connections with our other classmates. I've talked to him a couple times now and he seems pretty sad about his life at the moment, and disappointed in how school is going. He had different expectations for what things would be like, and I think he feels pulled to continue his button-pushing behavior despite not wanting to be outcast.

Today in my T-group, this person became a topic of discussion. He's not in my group, but there are some people in my group who feel uncomfortable with his presence, and so they started talking about him in the circle. Yesterday he spoke in the big class (20+ people) most of our cohort is in, and he said some things which came off the wrong way to a few different people. Some of my classmates felt triggered by the event. As they spoke about their experience of him yesterday, I felt tension building in my chest at first, until it seemed to float up into my head as a massive buzzing.

The people who voiced their opinions all seemed to be more or less on the same page about him-- that is to say, they felt put off by him, and didn't want to hear him or be around him. I was afraid that sharing my take of what happened yesterday would put me at risk of being ostracized, but it felt like the right thing to do, so I told them that I had experienced his presence in our other class very differently than what had been shared. I thought he worded what he was trying to convey poorly, but I agreed with the sentiments behind it. What I didn't share was that I thought people's emotional reactions to their stereotyped image of him were blocking them from actually trying to understand what he was saying. That would have been too far, I think.

My group mates' response to me was not quite as negative as I'd feared it would be, but I don't think I inspired compassion in them either. Some of them commented on feeling like they should be able to find empathy for him, but not wanting to or not feeling capable of it.

As a child, I felt drawn to the people who were outcast by everyone else. I wanted to be friends with them, and I tried at first, but withdrew before too long because of a fear of becoming outcast by association. I've thought about this countless times since. It feels unquestionably wrong to me to abandon people, or not speak up for them, when everybody else is against them. I regret that I didn't have the strength or confidence to stay that course when I was younger. I don't want to make those mistakes again if I can help it.

I feel secure enough in myself and my friendships to not go along with what I perceive as the majority opinion now when it seems wrong to me. I don't want to succumb to das Man. I want to be authentic, and part of that means public exposure, however uncomfortable it might be. One of the biggest challenges I've informally set for myself in this program is being open about my dissenting opinions. I'm not interested in playing devil's advocate just for the sake of playing devil's advocate, but I don't want to lie if I disagree or feel differently than the other people expressing themselves. It's scary, because I don't like having a lot of attention on me, but it feels important.

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I was watching a video the other day about millennials and some of the patterns of the generation, and a minor point that came up in the video was that it can be a really big deal to some people to be unfriended on social media. This makes sense to me in theory, but I guess I just don't... share that feeling.

"Millennials in the Workforce, A Generation of Weakness - Simon Sinek" by After Skool.

I've been contemplating a number of the habits I've cultivated that have been protective, mostly unintentionally. My attitude towards social media is one of them. I didn't get Facebook until I was 19, which, while still within the crucial developmental period of my life, wasn't early enough for a lot of social media habits to become ingrained in me. Obviously I've been blogging on here for 10+ years, and I've felt some things come out of that (a pull to write in ways that attract more comments, for one), but I feel like I escaped the brunt of social media's influence during my adolescence. I've protected myself, but also isolated myself from the experience of my peers by doing this.

So in theory I do understand why unfriending is a big deal, but I don't have the up close sense of it that I wonder if I need to truly empathize. I unfriend people all the time, and keep my Facebook friends list very small-- it's limited to people I'm actively talking to, essentially. And actually, I regularly go through my list and unfriend people I haven't been talking to. I don't see unfriending as a definitive comment on my relationship with someone-- if at some point we talk regularly again, I can just add them back. That's what happened with Trevor. We had a break in our friendship, but now we talk again. It seems rare for friendships to survive like that, though. There's rarely enough investment for one or the other person to keep trying to reconnect, or that behavior gets shamed as clingy/aggressive.

I just don't see a lot of people fighting for their friendships or relationships, I guess. Not to say it doesn't happen, but for whatever reason, it's not represented well in the sample size I've gotten in life. I am appalled by what I perceive as the attitude many people take towards others-- that the relation is disposable, because they can always find a new one. The availability of instantaneous gratification and its degrading effects on the depth and strength of relationships is disturbing. Maybe it works for people, but that's not how I want to live my life or conduct my friendships. I wish there were an easier way to identify the people who didn't view things that way.

This latest person I've been having an intellectual discussion with-- maybe he gets it, we'll see. He's definitely intelligent enough to understand, I think, but this isn't something that is related solely to intelligence.

Another side of things is that I feel heavily discouraged from attempting to patch things up with people who were formally significant figures in my life, for a variety of reasons. One of the biggest is that there's no point if they're not also interested, and many people aren't because they ultimately treat people as replaceable, whether or not they realize it. I also don't want to face scoldings from my friends about "hanging on" to things, even though that mindset feels terribly wrong to me. They're coming from a place of good intentions, I think-- they want me to be happy, and they think that being happy means "not thinking about it" and "getting over it"-- but we don't have the same goals.

I think something that hasn't changed about me in a long time is that none of my goals include "be happy" anywhere. This seems like something people easily forget about me, or don't understand to begin with. Happiness has been a fortuitous side effect of my other efforts to be a better person, but that's it.

Whether or not it feels good or is easy, I just want to try to do the right thing, the way I've defined it for myself.

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