A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence
"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"
"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation
"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes
"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Think about it
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics
Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Eat That Toast!
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius
Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Robbie and Bobby
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Strong Female Protagonist
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Yellow Peril (PG-13)
Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing
Meat and Plastic
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
YU + ME
Pure Flash Awesomeness
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
Clients from Hell
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
All I remember
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
I went down into the lab and saw long rows of tanks with a swampy green liquid inside. They were lit from behind with a dingy radioactive yellow light.
As I walked past them I realized that the clones I had seen earlier were not the real culprits, and they were actually the product of some terrible experiment by the scientists in the room. Each tank had a clone at a different stage of development, from the tiniest embryo to full grown adult.
I stepped closer to one of the tanks and was disturbed to see what appeared to be the original man the clones were made from, floating inside the liquid. He was old, very old, and seemed decayed around the edges from having been there so long. He looked a bit like a preserved animal in a jar, in fact.
In the brief moment I looked at him, he moved his hand toward me weakly and whimpered, "help me..." Horrified and taken aback, I walked away, trying to figure out how I would leave that terrible place. As I left the lab, I said loudly, "what a horrible thing! I would NEVER touch something like that!" to mislead the others there...
When I got back to my room I thought about what I wanted to take with me when I left, and decided I didn't need much. My digital possessions seemed important for some reason though, so I was trying to decide if I had time to transfer all my saved gifs and jpgs and text files.
I was at the top of a manmade cliff, a straight angled concrete structure overlooking a pool with reefs in it in my backyard. There was a Hispanic man paddling around the pool on a raft, and though it seemed I was hundreds of feet above him, when he stood at the base of the cliff on his raft, he could nearly reach the spot I was standing with his hand. The water couldn't have been more than four feet deep, but he called to his friends next to me, and one of them cannonballed down.
I was shocked, and thought he would surely hurt himself, but he swam away just fine.
He was touched by what had just happened, clearly.
"I want to make you part of my family," he told me-- or the girl who was me, perhaps, since I wasn't really part of the story as myself, but rather a consciousness attached to her.
It was much too serious, and I/she/we didn't feel that way. She/we backed away, uncomfortable, kind of worried. He repeated himself. "I've realized now, I want to make you a part of my family."
She/we tried to assure him that he was mistaken, that he didn't mean it like that, but he was dead set on it.
She was walking away from him when I woke up.
Maybe PMS or something
Thursday, June 28, 2012
My mood is not great. Mood swings, I guess, but it feels more like "mood running around haphazardly and banging into walls."
Here is a picture of some food I made awhile ago but neglected to post a picture of until now.
It is quinoa + kidney beans + feta cheese + tapenade + cucumbers.
I didn't really have an appetite today, but I ate anyway because I was starting to get dizzy and physically I was hungry. The thought of food was making me feel tired, though.
Lately my mind's felt empty, tired, repetitive. I wish I could do another one of these, but I just don't have the overflow of thoughts anymore.
But maybe that means all that purging worked, I don't know.
I think about a lot of things in terms of having limited quantities.
It's not really rational in any way.
But I just think, "maybe I have a limited supply of thoughts, and I'm running out now," things like that.
It is probably just depression. That's usually what it is.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Wow, I thought people were just ignoring my entries, but it turns out that only one person has even been on my blog in the past four days. :S
We gotta get some new people here, dudes.
Also, yesterday I had a dream that I accidentally killed my boyfriend with a pickax and I was very upset. It wouldn't stop bothering me all day...
I'm so close to being done with school, gah. Just finals and then I'm out... I definitely fear for my grades this quarter, though. I think I've got a pretty solid chance of an A in four out of my five classes, but Sociology has got me worried.
I just stubbed my toe and I've been biting my lip and going "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF" for a few seconds.
Where is everybody these days on Nutang? D:
Nightmares or just unsettling?
Saturday, June 16, 2012
I've been having some kind of creepy dreams lately, when I remember them.
Last night I dreamt I was sitting in this auditorium like structure, next to this group of girls. One of the girls was about to give birth.
I was trying to tell her to sit in a certain position so the baby would come out easier, but she wasn't paying attention, and was just huffing heavily. Then this... slit in her side opened and one of her friends pulled out this... thing.
It wasn't a baby. For some reason I had expected it to look at least like a newborn puppy, though. It looked like... a flesh colored... I don't know... flat slab leech sea cucumber thing? It was really gross. They all looked at it in adoration though, while I was busy being shocked and horrified. It was at least a foot long, and six inches wide, slimy and moving slightly.
The friend holding it put it into a bucket, where it seemed to turn into a more fish-like creature. Still flesh colored and horrible, but less horrible.
...Then they all pressured me to give my blood up for extra credit in the class. There were flyers being handed out that said we could just get the blood by donating some to a blood drive and then asking them to bag up an extra liter for us. I didn't really want to at first, but the girls kept pressuring me to, so I gave in.
Well, when I said I would, and I took the flyer, they started laughing at me and making fun of me for volunteering to give my blood up for the class. I suddenly felt ashamed and embarrassed and left to wait for my mom to pick me up.
Hypotheticals, directions, futures, pain
Friday, June 8, 2012
I asked my boyfriend what we would do if I went back to New York.
He essentially broke down at the thought of me leaving. It would be immensely painful for him, he said, but if I decide it's worth it, he won't stop me.
We'll have been dating for eight months on the 17th. It seems so crazy. I mean, I feel like it's hardly been eight months at all. We're quite serious, though. It's kind of funny the way we discuss marriage and children and such. We've never actually agreed that we're going to go that far, but we talk as if it's going to happen. I guess I talk about it more in terms of "if" most of the time, but he talks about it with more... certainty?
Like the other night, he was telling me that we could have kids in a couple of years, but I would need to have some sort of income first. I was like, "what. I don't want to have kids in a couple years." I guess he thought I did, so he was quite relieved when I said that.
I dunno. Weird situation is weird.
He's worried that I'll go to New York and like it more than I like him, and not come back, or I'll have so much fun there that I'll decide he's boring and drop him. I guess it's partially him reliving the trauma of his first relationship... He dated her for three years in high school, then moved to L.A. to continue dating her when she was accepted to UCLA. He wasn't accepted into UCLA, so he moved there earlier than she did to go to a community college on a different term schedule... And as soon as she got there, she dumped him.
Every time I think about that I just want to kick her down a flight of stairs. It's not the breakup itself that bothers me, but the way she did it. If she didn't want to be with him forever, and she didn't want the relationship to be that serious, why couldn't she tell him BEFORE he moved down there? Ugh. In any case, I would never do something that awful.
It's kind of terrible... I've been listening to this song a lot the past couple days:
I mean, I listened to it before I mentioned the possibility of moving to him, but still.
(For the record, I did NOT just spring this on him with no prior warning. I told him before we started dating that I did not want to enter a relationship because of this specific problem. Once we were together, I also repeatedly mentioned my desire to go back to New York. I was a bit quiet about it for a few months, but I've never given any indication that I changed my mind and want to stay in California, as far as I know.)
This is complicated. I love him so much, and I hate the thought of hurting him, but I've also been dreaming of going back to New York for something like two years now. It wouldn't mean the end of our relationship necessarily, but... well... long distance. :/ And here I was thinking I'd never go long distance again. -Sigh-
Nothing is set, though. I need to figure these things out.
Friday, June 1, 2012
I wrote a short piece for my writing group meeting. I think I associate the ocean with depression for some reason.
The idea was to write a piece with the theme "Wonders of the Invisible World"-- we decided to write based on one of the titles of the book recommendations in the back of a book a group member brought.
I threw around a lot of ideas before I managed to get this out. I am not sure if it is entirely clear or not. You can read it if you want. It is not that great.
This Is Not Reality
Also I keep thinking about THIS COMIC...
Because of reasons. I've been thinking about that and about Sweeney Todd saying "I have no time" in the Broadway musical version and Judas singing "damned for all time" in Jesus Christ Super Star. None of these things are particularly important.
In some ways I feel like I am using all my energy just to sustain an image of solidness and stability. Things are not that good right now.
Oh, it's been a week already
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
A thing, among other things
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
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