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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Forgotten assignments
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Nothing like a dream about showing up to class having forgotten to do an assignment to set a stressful mood for my day. >_>

Not sure if it is better or worse than having a dream about being late. Maybe they are about equal.

My new computer still needs some setting up... we had trouble with the Windows 8 installation because my boyfriend couldn't find the key for it (the key was online and he didn't know his username for the site, and they didn't have any username recovery options except for emailing the help desk, which was unresponsive).

He got very stressed out. I fell asleep.

I'm feeling kind of off. Don't entirely know why. I don't think it was just the dream, but I don't really know. :|

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For all its futility
Saturday, February 16, 2013
I keep trying to figure out how the architecture in this tower in my dream worked.

The tower was small, rough, and crude, and the levels got smaller as you went up, so that the third wasn't tall enough for me to really stand upright or even lie down. The whole structure was made of a dried light grey mud, like a very large termite colony.

The inside was bare, but well-lit because each floor had big windows covering three of its walls. The fourth wall was the one that had the ladder/door opening to get to the next floor.

I entered it with a companion whose face I don't remember, but she was wearing pink.

I was going ahead of her, and while I was climbing up to the third level, a swarm of bugs-- they looked kind of like spiders, kind of like beetles, rushed into the second level. I had reached the third level by the time they got close to me and held a couch cushion against the door opening so they couldn't enter, but they got my companion. I don't know whether they carried her off or devoured her, but she disappeared. I could see over the top of the cushion as the bugs tried to enter-- for whatever reason they couldn't climb vertical surfaces, so as long as I held it there the gap didn't matter. When they had moved away from the door I began to smash them with the cushion's corner, until none were left.

The ceiling was low, and I was sitting with my legs in front of me, knees bent a bit, to fit in the room. Behind me the wall was a large clear pane of glass, and I realized that I could be seen from below because I had moved away from the door in front of me in order to stretch out a little. I looked down and a band of black-clad people were there, watching me. The leader of the group had black hair that hit just above his shoulders and seemed angry that I had thwarted his attempts to get me-- he was the one that had sent the bugs. I climbed up to the fourth level, the final level, where the ceiling tapered up to a point, and looked down upon them. This level only had one window, and it faced them, and the door was in the floor instead of one of the walls. I thought it would be safe there, but he called up to me that I could either come down or he would have his dragon destroy the tower.

I lifted my gaze from the ground and saw a humongous dragon staring at the middle of the tower, where it was going to fly through and break it apart. The dragon was charcoal colored and had a hard-plated armored look to it, and spikes protruding back from its face. Its eyes were cruel and its thin sharp teeth were exposed in a horrible sneer.

Realizing that my choice was to climb down or die, I silently exited the tower and walked to the man, who promptly handcuffed my wrist to his and declared I would be his slave.

I don't want to describe the rest.


My boyfriend built me a new computer for Valentine's Day. We haven't set it up yet because it only has Linux on it, and I need Windows to play the Sims 3, but hopefully we'll get that all worked out and transfer all my files from this computer over soon enough.

Right now I'm playing A Rabbit Fable. It's a confusing and surreal game but in a way I like it.


A better (but text-based) game. Moonlight by Jonas Kyratzes

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Bebbehs [2P]
Friday, February 15, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Thursday, my longest day this quarter
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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History midterm
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
The history midterm I've been stressing over for awhile was today.

Surprisingly it was not panic-inducingly difficult. I don't know how she'll grade the essay portion of it though. Fingers crossed? :\

I'm trying to remember what I dreamt last night.

There was a building... it was on its own platform branching off of a pier set right on top of the water. The top of the pier was only perhaps six inches from the surface of the water, which felt both like a lake and the sea at once. The building was tall, and grey, with a couple crates along the edge of one of the sides. I walked around it, idly wandering, then looked at the water beyond the pier.

It was calm, calm to the point of looking like glass, it was so smooth. There was some sort of creature slumped over the middle of this boat... or was it a raft? Well, watercraft of some sort. I walked over to it out of curiosity. The creature looked a bit like a large dog, that shaggy kind with the fur that grows over its eyes, but it was light grey and had smooth skin like a seal. Its head faced away from me.

I said "hello?" tentatively, and it-- he-- told me he had been there so long, and hadn't seen anybody in that time. He controlled the ship, he told me, but it had been so long since anybody had accompanied him... He felt rusty. I offered to ride along, since I had nothing else to do. That seemed to breathe a bit of life into him, and he told me he would take me somewhere.

We glided through the water, barely rippling it, and reached a house built on stilts as it was getting dark. There were platforms with stairs leading up to it, so I climbed up to look around. I got the impression that I was going to live there, with the creature, for some time.

He told me he was going to leave to get some things, and I assumed I would wait there for him. He was having trouble getting his craft to move though, and when I walked over to look, he was a man... I was standing on the highest platform, the one that supported the house, overlooking the smaller platforms leading down to the ship/dock, and I held onto one of the beams supporting the overhang, and called down words of encouragement. His vessel started working, and he smiled at me and left. I felt a peculiar sense of closeness to him...

The feeling of this world was kind of strange. It was very empty, but calm, always late afternoon hovering on the edge of night. The sky was always cloudy, but I knew it wouldn't rain. And there was no sun.

I don't think there was anything below the water, either. It was inconceivable, the idea of something below that glassy surface. All I knew was that I could not touch the water, and I had no desire to.


I'm very sleepy.

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Old pictures and also gross female stuff
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I should really do a better job of posting pictures with their relevant entries. Oh well.

Rented my psych book off of Chegg and this notice came with it:

Dill pickle soup! And some bread because why not.

I don't actually like to eat bread with soup in the dipping sense, but I was going to eat the bread anyway so it's in the picture.

Modcloth sent me this cute box.

Maybe hard to see since this picture is small, but there are some bobby pins with decorative buttons glued onto them on top of the dress I ordered.

I don't know how to use bobby pins so uh... I'm not sure what I'll do with them.

I made mac and cheese with broccoli today.

It tastes... like it usually tastes, except with broccoli. So, pretty good I guess.

Woke up at 6:03 this morning with my right leg/hip hurting. I tried to sleep on my other side to make it stop, and then the pain switched to the left side. >_> Not sure what was up with that. Time of the month though, so maybe my body's just being all wacky. I dunno. This is starting to bug me. For awhile stuff was pretty predictable and stable and now it's like my body's getting bored and deciding to mix things up. "Lower back pain? Haven't tried that yet, it sounds fun!"


Admittedly though I did have it pretty nice before. Cramps only on the first day, although they could be cripplingly strong sometimes. Could always be alleviated with Midol. Short period overall. Or well, it was mostly. And then it got to be so predictable that I could expect when the next one would start.

But, alas, it was not meant to stay.

A few days ago or maybe it was weeks I honestly have no idea, I got this sample pad in the mail.

I'm kind of confused, because the panel on the right has this thing about how "1 in 4 women experience bladder control problems." Shouldn't that be a statistic on like, an adult diaper package? Or do people use pads as like, the precursor to adult diapers? I'm not really sure how to take that. It doesn't seem related to menstruation, unless some people just... develop bladder control problems during their periods. Is that a thing? I don't really want to look it up.

I've realized that I am like 100% more productive when I don't turn on my computer. Otherwise I get sucked into the internet and all that and I'm like "oh no it is 11:47 PM how did this come about I have not nearly completed the tasks I thought I would today."

Not in those exact words but you know.

I keep having to read old documents from the 1800s for history and it's messing with my English.

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Urghhh tired
Monday, February 11, 2013
Went to bed late last night, after 3 AM I think...

I get up, at the latest, at 8 AM on weekdays, so I didn't get much sleep. -__-

So, it's possible that my personal experience is totally outside the norm, but I keep reading blogs where girls complain that guys aren't serious and dance around being in relationships, and I can't help but think "I have never encountered this."

Generally the complaint is something like "guys won't commit, they only want sex" or "we date indefinitely and it's unclear/ambiguous whether we're in a relationship" etc. Admittedly I have very limited dating experience, and I'm not really active in the social scene (as far as clubbing/partying goes), but is that actually representative of people my age...? Have I, just by freak chance, managed to meet guys who all wanted to be in a relationship with me right off the bat? Or is this more a case of a few people in the minority making complaints while the majority is silent? I have no idea.

Sometimes I wonder if it's a personality thing. I don't drink, do drugs, or party, so maybe I seem more like the "settle down" type (which... okay, would be an accurate judgement). Maybe the kind of guys I attract are the ones who are interested in forming serious relationships. -Shrug-

I also can't recall a time I was actually formally asked out by someone, unless you count in seventh grade when the guy who sat next to me leaned over and said "do you want to go see Scooby Doo 2 with me?" I always thought I was just hanging out with my first boyfriend until he suddenly told his mom I was his girlfriend over the phone one night. Second boyfriend, we were just hanging out and then it was like "whoops we are in an intimate setting how did this happen, okay let's date I guess," and with my current boyfriend he kinda just made some awkward moves and I thought it was funny so I told him we could try dating.

...Okay, nevermind, after reading all that I'm pretty sure I have just had fairly abnormal experiences. I guess this is a fairly pointless entry, but I'll leave it up anyway. Maybe some of you find it interesting to see my thought processes. >_>

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Things I have done today
Sunday, February 10, 2013
1. Stayed up videochatting until 5 AM
2. Slept until 1 PM
3. Read history textbook
4. Slept until 6 PM
5. Made roasted potatoes
6. Read more history

My boyfriend was supposed to come over today to help me study for my history midterm, but I ended up sleeping so much that it's probably better he didn't come over.

I'm listening to The Breakfast Machine... I think it's always going to remind me of an old attraction they used to have at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. It was a scary fun house painted bright yellow inside that had a huge clown figure around the entrance.

I only ever went in there once, with one of my friends in sixth grade. People would jump out at you and air blew at you from hidden pipes while you walked through. It was certainly enough to scare me at age 11, and I kept yelling "stop it!" at the people who jumped out at us while my friend laughed. Even though I can't say I enjoyed the attraction all that much, I do have some nostalgia for it, and I used to like just standing outside listening to the music. I actually don't know if they music they played was even really The Breakfast Machine-- it could have been some other creepy fun house-sounding song.

I haven't been to the Boardwalk in a long time. I need to go there when it starts to get warmer.


I'm pretty sure I've posted this song before. The video is terrible. The lyrics are terrible. And yet I can't help but love it.

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