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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Email from my uncle
Thursday, August 15, 2013
My uncle mentioned that he had a CD of some music that a DJ had given him, and I was curious so I asked him about it and he said he could link me. This is the email he sent:

Hi [RJ],

Here's some of Alex's work:


His most famous work is "Bells of Tienaman" which you might find on YouTube.

He specializes in "Trans" music played at clubs. In Asia, I think a lot of people take drugs and dance to this kind of music, even though drug dealing may be punishable by death in those parts.

Uncle ____


I don't know if he was told the music was called "Trans" or if he misheard "trance" but I'm fairly certain it's the latter.


I saw my boyfriend last night for the first time since I've been back. We went to see Elysium at the nearby AMC. It was... okay. Afterward you start noticing tons of plot holes, but I guess that's just most movies these days.

When the movie was done and we were at his apartment I asked him a bunch of hypothetical questions, like I used to do back in high school. We got onto the subject of what he would do if he had control over other people's hair (growing it, making it fall off) and talked about hilarious ways to use that power for revenge.

For instance, making someone think they're going bald, or dropping off one of their eyebrows one day and then making it regrow overnight but dropping the other one off, or making one of their nose hairs suddenly grow twenty feet long.

It was a fun conversation, and I think hair manipulation would be a terrible but very funny super power.

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Updates from Hawaii
Friday, August 9, 2013
I feel like it's harder to write entries about Hawaii when I can't show the pictures that would go with them. Gotta wait until I get home to transfer my pictures over from my camera...

Umm, I've gotten into another situation where someone is very emotionally dependent on me. I'm hopeful that nothing really bad happens. I think this makes the third time something like this has happened. Or well... third person at least. I dunno.

We went to the beach on Monday and there were a couple ducks hanging out there, in the midst of all the people. They were sand colored. I was tearing off bits of bread to feed them, but then one of the ducks jumped up and grabbed the whole piece and ran away with it. I caught a video of it happening... But... obviously I can't post it here yet. >_>

I keep having sorta nightmarish dreams. I don't know how to describe them exactly. Like... I feel fear in the dream, and I'm anxious and stuff... but the whole dream isn't like that. I usually think of nightmares as being dreams where the whole thing is scary. I guess a better way to put it is that I keep having dreams in which I feel very...tense.

Oh! I got some new shoes. Mostly I'm not that into shoes. I mean, I don't buy them that often, and I don't have that many pairs... (Pairs that I use, at least). BUT I was at the mall and I saw them in the window of a store and I was like "oh my god, I want those."

Here's a picture of them from the Blowfish Shoes site:

They didn't have size 6.5 at the store, but it worked out okay, because I guess a size 7 fits me fine if I'm wearing socks. So, yay for that.

...I have a slipper tan on my feet. Also a shorts tan. Less of a t-shirt tan than before at least, though.

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I wish I had kids
Monday, August 5, 2013
...So I could go to Chuck E. Cheese and not feel like I'm too old to be there.


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Some pictures from New York 2 [2P]
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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No One Does It Like You
Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I've been listening to "No One Does It Like You" by Department of Eagles and "The Sound" by Human Highway a lot in the car.

My dad told me about how my parents and my uncle went to church and there was a three year old kid running around punching people in the crotch during prayer.

"That little shit... punched me in the dick" my dad muttered, shaking his head. But he did look amused.

My mom talked about how if the kid tried to punch her in the crotch she was planning to slap him very hard.

My uncle said he thought that the kid was just brushing against that area by accident... "Until I felt something touch my balls."

Family time!

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The digital future [2P]
Monday, July 29, 2013
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Sunday, July 28, 2013
At some point I think I finally internalized the idea that life is truly meaningless, after struggling with it for so long, and it didn't seem like such a bad thing anymore. It seemed like a great thing, actually. It felt like a huge moment of clarity. It felt freeing. It was a relief. It was peace.

But then problems started coming up. Not... internally, not that, really. But with other people.

Often when people talk to me now I find myself holding back from telling them that life is meaningless and none of it matters anyway. And this is a bad thing and it's a good thing and it's a neutral thing. When people tell me bad things I want to tell them that they don't need to worry about their problems because none of it really makes a difference in the grand scheme of things, like they'll feel better if they realize life is meaningless.

And when people tell me good things sometimes I want to say that those things also don't matter for the same reasons.

I don't want to be a buzzkill and rain on people's parades. I don't want to trivialize their problems. This attitude... it's almost like I want to "share the good news" in a way.

I'm not sure if I'm deluded or depressed or what's going on with me. I was going to write this entry about how I think these things sometimes, and then I paused and wondered why I have this urge to talk to people that way, and I thought that it must be because I've internalized the idea of life being meaningless.

And... I feel good about that. It wipes away all of the existential stress I had before and I feel like I don't have to always be trying to find out what things mean or why things happen.

But at the same time I feel like I'm becoming a bland person and I don't know if that's related to this or if it's a side effect of depression or if I don't have a lot going on in my life or what.

I still think about when I was 17 and I felt like I had so many thoughts that it was too much to bear, so I wrote as much as I could out to drain my mind. It really feels like I exhausted my supply of thoughts in a weird way, so now all I ever get is a trickle. Like my mind is a reservoir and it flooded the dams once and there's been a drought ever since it emptied itself...

Despite everything else it seems like the idea of having these things in limited quantities is a superstition that just won't leave me.

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Lots of TV
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
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