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Memores acti prudentes futuri


This life of games and diligent trust
the things we do and the things we must
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Owen's Uncles
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
It did make a difference
Friday, February 22, 2013
2013 will be my eighth year on Nutang. Wow.

I was trying to think of why I've kept up blogging for so long. I think that, out of the people here, I am one of the people who has tended to share more... personal details more often. Nowadays I do a lot more simple external happenings stuff instead of internal contemplations, but still.

I've been reading through old journals tonight. I found an entry from 2008 that elaborates a little on the subject of blogging:

{I like it when people think of me. Not like, "I got this for you," but "I was thinking of this joke you told" or "it reminded me of that thing you did." When other people verify my existence, whatever meager importance I have, it makes me feel better. I know my life isn't just some worthless thing that people dismiss as soon as I'm out of sight. They indirectly tell me that I actually make an impression on them... And I really am cheered up.

Maybe that's why I like blogging so much. Even when I'm not around, people will comment. Sometimes they even quote me. It's the little things like this that keep me from coming home and crying. Knowing people care...}

High school was a bit rough for me, not externally but internally, due to depression... I couldn't remember what happiness felt like and resigned myself to a life without it, constantly berated myself privately for every flaw I could find (and there were a lot), and often felt unable to really connect with my peers (a normal problem, I imagine).

I turned to the emo subculture to try to find people who could relate to me. I just wanted to identify with some group so I wouldn't feel like I was facing my emotional issues alone. Though I don't really consider it bullying, I did get made fun of a bit for trying to align myself with what I perceived as the emo lifestyle. I think that at the time, I didn't really understand that there were people who were depressed but not emo.

2007-2008 looks like it was where things got darkest. That would have been my junior year, which makes sense. In 2005 my entries were excited and focused on crushes. By 2008 a lot had changed in me. I guess I had matured somewhat, for one, but depression had also taken over my life and become a core element of my personality. It was always in the back of my mind and I couldn't separate my identity from it. I was also depersonalized/derealized at the time, although I didn't know it at the time. I just knew things didn't feel real, and I didn't feel real.

Even though I do remember having some of these thoughts, when I read my old entries, I can't help but marvel at just how bad it was sometimes. I know I did blog about some of it, but there is a limit to how personal I will get on here.

I'm extremely sleepy, and I think that's just making me nostalgic in a weird way.

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A day of birthdays -Edited-
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Can't remember if I've shared this song before
Wednesday, February 20, 2013


Have been listening to Charade by Henry Mancini on and off today.

When we played our charade
We were like children posing
Playing at games, acting out names
Guessing the parts we played

Oh what a hit we made
We came on next to closing
Best on the bill, lovers until
Love left the masquerade

Fate seemed to pull the strings
I turned and you were gone
While from the darkened wings
The music box played on

Sad little serenade
Song of my heart's composing
I hear it still, I always will
Best on the bill
Charade


---

My boyfriend is feeling depressed and wants to be alone. Wouldn't be a huge deal, except I'm also feeling kind of down and want to talk to him.

I guess I'll just play Sims 3 more instead.

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12:12 AM
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I got Book One of Cucumber Quest in the mail today. It is a very beautiful book, I must say. I'm not sure I've been so taken with any of the others in my collection.

Very rich colors on the cover, and the pages are sturdy and glossy.

Quite a contrast to say, Bayou, which was printed on terribly cheap, low quality paper. The kind of paper they print grocery ads on. And I don't mean Target grocery ads that are white and shiny, I mean absolutely the cheapest paper you can get.

Going to go to sleep now to hopefully not be incredibly sleep deprived again. I had the worst time trying to comprehend the lecture in my math class today because of that (although, to my great joy, he delayed the math exam we were going to have until Thursday).

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Oh, 3
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
It is 3... 3:01 AM.

Oh.

Oh dear.

I have school in the morning. And a test at night.

Oh dear me.

I played Sims 3 for six hours instead of doing my math homework earlier today. I kept telling myself, "okay, just a bit more, just refill the energy bar and then save and quit."

Oops. I don't think I even started homework until maybe 9?

I really ought to be in bed. Really. But I'm not tired enough to sleep.

Eep.

---

I used to dream of having a giant stuffed animal to sleep with at night, back when I was loneliest. Something I could wrap my arms around, that would get warm from my body heat, that I could hang onto just to feel secure until I reached a dreamstate.

Sometimes I still want one, though it's not a deep yearning like it was before. Not like a body pillow though... For whatever reason those things creep me out too much. Also not one of those creepy Japanese pillows with the printed on anime girls, or the boyfriend arm pillow thing.

Just a big stuffed animal. Preferably given by someone close to me.

This came up in a conversation with a friend, and since this entry had basically nothing in it I thought I would add it here.

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It's Presidents Day...
Monday, February 18, 2013
Probably one of my greatest triumphs today will be managing to transfer all my Chrome bookmarks over from my old computer to this new one. The internet did not help very much with that one. They're all "yeah just rename the file with a .bak!" That did not work at ALL for me. >:( Luckily I realized I could just show hidden folders in my new user folder here and I replaced Chrome's bookmark file on this computer with my backed up one from my old computer.

Saved me trying to add tons of pages over again.

Gotta do math homework today and probably write something for Psych. It's 3 AM right now but I'm on the computer because I've been trying to fix all my settings so they're the same as on my old computer.

Also downloading Sims 3 from Steam... Not sure when I'll get to play it though.

My emulator isn't working now, so I can't play Pokemon. :C

Trying to fiddle with the monitor settings because the colors that are showing up look awful.

Bleghghghgh this was a nice gift and all but it is SUCH A HASSLE.

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Forgotten assignments
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Nothing like a dream about showing up to class having forgotten to do an assignment to set a stressful mood for my day. >_>

Not sure if it is better or worse than having a dream about being late. Maybe they are about equal.

My new computer still needs some setting up... we had trouble with the Windows 8 installation because my boyfriend couldn't find the key for it (the key was online and he didn't know his username for the site, and they didn't have any username recovery options except for emailing the help desk, which was unresponsive).

He got very stressed out. I fell asleep.

I'm feeling kind of off. Don't entirely know why. I don't think it was just the dream, but I don't really know. :|

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For all its futility
Saturday, February 16, 2013
I keep trying to figure out how the architecture in this tower in my dream worked.

The tower was small, rough, and crude, and the levels got smaller as you went up, so that the third wasn't tall enough for me to really stand upright or even lie down. The whole structure was made of a dried light grey mud, like a very large termite colony.

The inside was bare, but well-lit because each floor had big windows covering three of its walls. The fourth wall was the one that had the ladder/door opening to get to the next floor.

I entered it with a companion whose face I don't remember, but she was wearing pink.

I was going ahead of her, and while I was climbing up to the third level, a swarm of bugs-- they looked kind of like spiders, kind of like beetles, rushed into the second level. I had reached the third level by the time they got close to me and held a couch cushion against the door opening so they couldn't enter, but they got my companion. I don't know whether they carried her off or devoured her, but she disappeared. I could see over the top of the cushion as the bugs tried to enter-- for whatever reason they couldn't climb vertical surfaces, so as long as I held it there the gap didn't matter. When they had moved away from the door I began to smash them with the cushion's corner, until none were left.

The ceiling was low, and I was sitting with my legs in front of me, knees bent a bit, to fit in the room. Behind me the wall was a large clear pane of glass, and I realized that I could be seen from below because I had moved away from the door in front of me in order to stretch out a little. I looked down and a band of black-clad people were there, watching me. The leader of the group had black hair that hit just above his shoulders and seemed angry that I had thwarted his attempts to get me-- he was the one that had sent the bugs. I climbed up to the fourth level, the final level, where the ceiling tapered up to a point, and looked down upon them. This level only had one window, and it faced them, and the door was in the floor instead of one of the walls. I thought it would be safe there, but he called up to me that I could either come down or he would have his dragon destroy the tower.

I lifted my gaze from the ground and saw a humongous dragon staring at the middle of the tower, where it was going to fly through and break it apart. The dragon was charcoal colored and had a hard-plated armored look to it, and spikes protruding back from its face. Its eyes were cruel and its thin sharp teeth were exposed in a horrible sneer.

Realizing that my choice was to climb down or die, I silently exited the tower and walked to the man, who promptly handcuffed my wrist to his and declared I would be his slave.

I don't want to describe the rest.

---

My boyfriend built me a new computer for Valentine's Day. We haven't set it up yet because it only has Linux on it, and I need Windows to play the Sims 3, but hopefully we'll get that all worked out and transfer all my files from this computer over soon enough.

Right now I'm playing A Rabbit Fable. It's a confusing and surreal game but in a way I like it.

---Edit---

A better (but text-based) game. Moonlight by Jonas Kyratzes

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