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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Passive Aggressive Notes
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Thursday, October 23, 2014
I made some gifs from a game I have a certain fondness for, FOC/US.

If I knew how to make nicer gifs I would've, but I only know how to take screenshots and put them together in GIMP, so this is what I ended up with. I don't feel like the choppiness detracts from the writing though. This is a game I've revisited several times since I first played it. Even though it's not one of the ones I think about most, it's stuck with me.

In a post about game design, Felix Park, the creator of FOC/US, described his personal opinions about what he wants to do with his games. This was one of the things he said:

"Games are not valuable in themselves, as objects. Like any other medium, games are a delivery system for experiences to be felt and thought about, whether it�s a beautiful minimally-interactive scene or that perfect, timeless one-in-a-million frag. The design of games centers around the design of experience. The value of games is found only in the transmitted experience to the player."

I liked the way he worded it. Though I don't play a huge number of games, there are some that I've found deeply fulfilling, and I have a lot of respect for people who can make something that gets to me in that way. I'd like to create something that accomplishes that someday.


Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to write for my next writing group meeting. Maybe I'll share it here when I finish it.

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Mood incongruent memory
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
I'm not really in the mood to record happy things at the moment but I thought I should write this at least for my own reference in the future.

Blowing raspberries is such a simple, silly thing, but it made me laugh so hard. And things felt good in that moment, things felt fine in that moment. I hadn't laughed so hard in... a few months, I guess.

A few months. That's actually relatively good.

I find that when my mood is low, I rarely have any desire to lift it unless it's interfering with my productivity or functionality. This side of me is a part of me like any other. Perhaps more a part of me than any other, considering the amount of time I've been this way over the years. I guess not many people know me that way these days. Not in real life, anyway. I make efforts to tuck away the intensely pessimistic, cynical, sarcastic ways of my past. I think that's not who I want to be anymore.

I wonder if I have the energy to be who I want to be, though?

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Travel luck
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
On Friday, for the first time in my life, I missed my flight. Luckily there was another one scheduled for around an hour later, so it wasn't too bad, but I did have to pay a $25 fee to get a seat on it, and I got stuck with a middle seat. Could have been worse though, all things considered. For example, the last time I had a flight before that one, the plane had a problem and the flight got delayed two hours. They didn't realize until we had all boarded, so we got to sit on an un-air conditioned plane for some time.

My Monday flight also had a mechanical delay, but it was only about an hour, and we got to sit in the airport to wait, so that wasn't too bad. I bought some overpriced airport food and people watched to pass the time. There was one guy who looked like a sort of hip modern Jesus if Jesus was a possible techie who likes to backpack in the wilderness. I don't actually know if the guy backpacks but he looked like that. Also his hair was pretty nice. If I were a guy I'd want hair like his. There was also a guy who was dressed like a frat boy (basketball shorts, hoodie, backwards cap) who looked like he could've been in his late thirties or early forties. He was bald. He was also watching a game of football on the TV at the gate and muttering to himself in disgust at the plays, or so I assume.

Monday was kind of a mixed bag, but maybe I'll write about that later. It's almost 1 AM and it's been a long day.

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Was that... it?
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
So I'd been feeling pretty depressed for like the past... week. Or longer actually. I guess it was longer. I was starting to get really worried because I'm usually a very functional depressive, but this time I just couldn't do anything. Couldn't focus, couldn't gather enough energy to really get things done. I can't even remember the last time I felt so hopeless.

I'm kind of still dealing with the repercussions of that.

Anyway, my parents decided to get me some multivitamins to see if that would help...

And, crazily enough, I started feeling better starting from the day I took them. >_>

I don't really know if that was the reason I felt better or if it was just a weird coincidence, but it was extremely surprising, to say the least. There were other things that happened on that day that probably helped lift my mood too, though. Talking to my favorite people is nice. I also met someone on OKC whom I'm having a somewhat interesting conversation with. Indie games and music vibes, good stuff. There was another dude I messaged but he didn't reply today, so maybe that's not going anywhere. -Shrug-

It's good to not feel terrible.

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Friday, October 10, 2014
I shared an unfinished personal project with my writing group tonight. Genie said parts of it were depressing, but in a way he could relate to, and other parts were so depressing he wondered if things could actually be that way in real life. Then he teased me about never writing happy endings.

At first I protested, but when I looked through the pieces I've shared with the group, I noticed he was kind of right. I don't have "happy endings" in the sense most people would think of. They're usually either neutral or sad/bad/confusing.

This was the happiest ending I could find in my writings. It's a twenty minute writing exercise we did in August-- the prompt was to write something based on "Am I crazy? I must be crazy."


The smile so wide it hurt. The feeling in his chest, like water being held back by a dam. The tears of laughter blurring his vision.

Am I crazy? I must be crazy.

His teeth felt dry from the extended exposure to the air. He wasn't sure if he could even push his lips back down over them. A closed-mouth smile would require more willpower than he had to spare.

Happiness. That elusive feeling. That ultimate goal. That primary motivator. Or so they said, at least. Was this it? Had fortune finally decided to favor him? He was afraid to embrace the feeling, lest the universe decide it had mistakenly allotted some luck to the wrong person.

Don't fight it.

It was okay to smile. Okay to laugh. Hadn't he wanted to for so long? Hadn't he wondered how it would feel? And here it was, and he was feeling it, and the feeling was good.

Freedom. It could have been this way so much sooner, if only he hadn't held back. He looked at the people moving toward him, saw the looks on their faces. It didn't matter what they thought of him now. He was done being afraid, being self-conscious, being ashamed and unhappy. This was it.

He was liberated, he was unstoppable, he was going faster than he'd ever gone before. The world flew by as a flash of vivid colors.

He hit the pavement with a heavy thud.

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Finding songs
Thursday, October 9, 2014
A discussion about what dates and love are with my friend Matt led me to look up songs titled "This Is Love" because the song "What Is Love?" doesn't answer the question it poses. I found some not very good songs and also this one:

(The lyrics don't start until about halfway through)

And your legs are running
Running all over this town
And I will try to catch you
I will try to, try to slow you down
And it's impossible to think
What you'll say or how I'll act
When I come right out and tell you
This is love and that's a fact

This is love and that's a fact
This is love and that's a fact
This is love

It's unfortunate
That all your friends are junkies
I will not mock or judge them
'Cause once or twice I've been there too
I've learned to lose a lot from love
I've learned to try and try again
I've learned to be the one that helps
I've learned to not give up on friends

I've learned to not give up on friends
I've learned to not give up on friends
I've learned to not give up

I wanted you for so long
Thoughts of you, they fill my heart
We should take off all our clothes
I'm sure you're the one for me
I'll catch up to you one day
Or maybe you'll just slow down
And I will ask if I'm the one
If you could really ever be with me

I appreciated the sentiments in these lines a lot:
I've learned to lose a lot from love
I've learned to try and try again
I've learned to be the one that helps
I've learned to not give up on friends

Sometimes I'm tired of falling down and getting up again, but staying down isn't a better option.

Today I was thinking about the little daydreams I've had about the future. Most often they include a steady romantic partner doing normal everyday things with me. They also often involve one or both of us making mistakes. Things I've written about before on here... Things like forgetting the salt in a batch of baked goods. Getting lost in an unfamiliar place together. Maybe even using the wrong setting for the laundry and ending up with a ruined piece of clothing.

I had never really wondered why I daydream about those things, but after considering it for a bit, I think it might be because I hope for a relationship in which I feel comfortable messing up around the other person. A relationship in which there isn't pressure to be perfect or always on the mark. It would be nice to have someone to laugh off mistakes and misfortunes with. And we can reassure each other that whatever bad happens, things will be okay and work out in the end. Is that more or less what unconditional love is?

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More old music
Thursday, October 9, 2014

If you don't love me, oh if you don't love me

You can tell me anything,
You can tell me anything,
I'll believe you,
You know it too
Shame the truth with lies
Say the sun won't rise
Only realise

If you don't love me, oh if you don't love me
I will know, I will know, whoah whoah whoah
If you don't love me, oh if you don't love me
I will know
I will know

You can ask me anything,
You can ask me anything,
I will do it,
You know it too
Nothing I won't do
If you want me to
But it's also true

If you don't love me, oh if you don't love me
I will know, I will know, whoah whoah whoah
If you don't love me, oh if you don't love me

If you don't love me oh if you don't love me
I will know (I will know)
I will know, whoah whoah whoah
If you don't love me, oh if you don't love me
I will know (I will know)


Haven't listened to this song in awhile. I have an electronic remix kinda version of it without the lyrics, but I rather like the lyrics, so maybe I should get the original version. The theme in it is interesting to me... a lot of songs are about love, but not in this particular way. As best I can tell, he's saying that it doesn't matter whether or not the person he's singing to loves him, because he'll still believe everything they say and do anything they ask. And he's not deluding himself about how things are, he's being upfront about the fact that he'll know if he isn't loved. Yet that doesn't deter him from pledging himself to this person...

And I wonder, what is that? Why would you tell someone those things? Is he confessing a helplessness of sorts? A strange sort of trap he's fallen into? Or is this a declaration of love on his part in some twisted indirect way? I can't help but be curious about the train of thought behind this song. Though the words themselves are very simply strung together and the lyrics aren't the most poetic I've lately come across, there seem to be a lot of hidden implications here that make me think.

I guess it would be kind of nice to have someone to discuss the meanings of these things with.

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