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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR

Books I have completed reading since January 2016:

1. The magician's land - Lev Grossman
2. The Rest Falls Away - Colleen Gleason
3. Wither - Lauren Destefano
4. Fever - Lauren Destefano
5. Sever - Lauren Destefano
6. High Stakes - Dick Francis
7. Kau kata dadaku adalah sebuah sajak - Finn Anuar
Monday. 12.19.16 8:22 am
I had two karaoke sessions on two consecutive days. One is on my own and the other with a friend. This is a friend I have mentioned before - the one whom I got brainwashed from that commented those movies I won free tickets are not worth watching but turned out they are fine. Anyways, another friend commented that people don't appreciate free things. So why bother?

Ok back to the main topic.

I was complaining to him that I didn't have space and privacy to practice singing on Saturday. Being an impatient person overall, I hate sitting doing nothing while my brain is spinning at light speed on what I need and can do to work towards closer to the things I wanna achieve for the week. So on the spot, I went karaoke on my own at a nearby outlet. The price was affordable especially during lunch hours. I dragged myself despite under the weather. I practice on my own for 3 hours. Well, I paid per head for 3 hours - that's their package by the way. I did a lot of vocal exercises too which were suggested by a vocal teacher and some from youtube. I know I still have mistakes but being alone and listening to my own voice.. I at least have space to learn more about myself. I was satisfied with my practice for the day. I mean... it's definitely better than nothing.

The next day this friend asked me along for karaoke. I know he was being nice to take me to practice by driving me to the same outlet. So I just said yes to go again on Sunday without telling him I was already there on Saturday.

When we met, I told him that I needed to practice singing because I was called to prepare a second song piece. The first piece I presented was Memory from Cats. And he replied 'it's your lucky song' or along the line 'lucky.'

The more I think about it today the more I feel it's not about luck. Don't know why I am so work up. It's about recognition for the courage and effort I have invested. It's about taking action. It's about making the right decision under pressure. It's about ME. Luck comes along when I invest my energy and take action. Thinking more, I don't like to be told 'you are lucky to be chosen.' Try thinking of the things that you have achieved. Do the things that you want just fall onto your lap? Well, if the person gets into accident, do you say the person is lucky to be in accident? It's calamity! Aiyo! I remember lamenting to my vocal teacher that Kelly Clarkson sings so well and I am nowhere... and she replied that Kelly works hard too to be the winner. What I am seeing is just the exterior. I don't know how much she has invested in herself. I think I have remember my entrepreneur friends never said they got lucky when they get investors and such. It's all about effort and action.

I didn't sing Memory very well. I have not sang for like 6 years. And I was damn nervous to be just asked to sing a song on the spot. But I just did because I got nothing to lose. Jamie Foxx once asked "What's on the other side of fear?".

He and I sang a couple of songs with me singing Let it go the most repeatedly. HAHA. He first commented which I summarised that I need to fix my tone deaf and pitch. I can pick up the notes well but I have issues of not liking my own voice. This is something I have to work on my throat chakra. It took me years to shed the belief that I cannot sing that my voice sucks: These are not my beliefs but I wore as my own. He told me to record to listen to my own singing if I really wanna improve. He added that I should sing children rhymes instead to practice on my pitch because I have a tendency not to sing at the right high pitch. Oh well, that's because I don't like to hear my high pitch voice especially the transition from low to high pitch. Insofar, I sing high pitch songs like by Kelly Clarkson which I have no problem in hitting those notes. I actually wanted to tell him to mind his own business but with a pinch of salt I listened to the suggestions. And so he played children songs for me to sing in the karaoke room. I know it was extremely funny but it was embarrassing for me but still I persisted because I really want to improve. There must be a reason why the Universe sent him there right? I actually did also explained to him that most songs I sang were suggested by my teachers in order to improve. I usually don't have ideas what to sing. Funny right? It's because I don't sing for leisure. I always get the teachers to choose songs that enable me to improve. Competitiveness inside me doesn't allow me to put aside chosen songs that I dislike. I would just suck it up. Otherwise how would I improve?

Oh. He can sing well. That's why he commented on me. That's why I didn't fight back. Because he was sharing indirectly how he learnt on his own. I am the type I prefer having a coach alongside because I learn faster when someone tells me the mistakes. That's also because I don't have the time utmost space to rectify my mistakes. Besides, that explains why people get mentor right? It's a shortcut in a way.

Well, since yesterday, I would karaoke on my own again. Yes, I used to record my own singing to see where went wrong but not anymore when I have a neighbour who stays at home all the time. I don't want to disturb the family.

Whatever it is, wish me luck! Haha, what paradox!

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Waltz not alone
Wednesday. 12.14.16 10:08 am
This is a topic which I don't like very much.

I first heard about it was about 10 years ago when a collegemate got rejected by my closed friend who was also my collegemate. We were all friends la, put it that way. At the beginning, this rejected person and I always chat on FB just to catch up with each other but not anymore after I put a stop to his insult on the friend who rejected him. I understand that there are girls out there who has or work hard to get the ability to make any guys to fall onto their knees. Whether or not this friend of mine uses this method I seriously don't care because I know she works hard to achieve the things she wants. I know this friend of mine somewhat has the ability to make guys fall for her. And I know how much this rejected guy asked me to learn the art of seduction from this friend. He said it's the best way to be rich - yea by seducing rich old man. The reason why I stopped talking to him is he was so bitter that he got rejected that every word he said about our friend was full with menace. The last straw was commenting that she seduced people to fall for her that they are her play thing. No, darling. True or not, you don't judge her like that. Leave that to god.

10 years later, I am hearing this again from a new friend. He managed to get hold of a 5-year old picture which I got no idea how. Thanks google. My privacy somehow got exposed. Now I understand why my Singaporean girlfriend was so crazy into changing here and there to prevent her profile to be not accessible. Anyways, I see myself as normal in that picture but he was so captivated with that photo that he was telling everyone that this is a hot babe photo. We laughed and we teased him for being my stalker. But I was totally uneasy. Because I have already said at the beginning 'that I can't give you what you wanted.' Don't play hide and seek with a psychic, boy. I can absorb compliments but what he said later were something I don't wish to hear.

Again. I have the cut and look to make any guy fall for me. Even if I do, I don't wish to do so. This is not me. It's not who I am.

Another question why only I involved in something new like what I have been exploring since August? I have other goals which I prioritised. And now I can feel I am bringing back all of those goals which were buried in my heart long time ago with more urgency. Are we going down? Don't know it's just feel right to do so.

I sometimes ask myself if it's too late to start something new. The answer I always receive is I am wherever I am meant to be.

He asked why I didn't join any beauty pageant because I can win. I know. Do you know that when I was 6 years old my dream occupation was to be Miss World? My teacher went gag. But I caught a glimpse of myself on the stage at that age.

But I chose a different goal in later life.

Whatever it is, it's giving me goosebumps when this friend is telling me to learn the art of seduction especially in bed. I don't like it. I don't like this kind of power. And I don't see myself wielding this kind of power.

No. I shall use my own way to achieve what I want. Otherwise, just be single on the dance floor!

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Wednesday. 12.7.16 6:22 pm
If you remember me lamenting about my high school friend who called me loser or serves me right for rotting for being a failure, I found out something interesting behind her offer.

She asked me to join her in doing her MLM business. The membership she mentioned is USD600 so I can be an agent and start selling. The product no doubt is effective for me but I refused to join because the membership is just simply too expensive! Well she even said I can use my credit card to pay off that amount and I will be motivated to clear it off later. I think that sounds wrong. I know myself. Such thing don't motivate me instead.

Anyways, I thought of buying back the product for myself and mum. After googling, I found the number to the HQ. I called up and found out the basic membership price was just USD75 and it comes with a box of the product. Oh. That's so much affordable than the amount she mentioned. The operator was in disbelief when I asking her if she was giving me the right figure. How can I not when the figure I was given originally was way astronomical?

I think I will join after I find out more about the membership prices. The operator did say they have several packages.

No wonder my friend won the Best Leadership for Asia. If this is how she does business, no wonder la.

And seriously this is her loss if I really join.

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Saturday. 12.3.16 10:09 am
I learnt a hard lesson again this year that is never to listen to others.

My friends kept telling me Chinese movies in the cinema suck big time. And so I have been canceling my free movie tickets on this basis.

And then later the same friends have been telling how some movies (which I actually won free movie tickets) are good.

Damn you.

These friends kept saying I keep winning horror films tickets that are not even popular. Right. It's free tickets. What the heck do you want? I have entered contests for those popular movies but I didn't win. I am actually pretty happy whenever I win movie tickets. If I don't want to watch those movies, I just give away those tickets. Even so... my friends criticize my winning.

Man. Talk so much.. try winning.

Not only that, these friends also love to add unnecessary wordings whenever I ask them if they want to watch with me. For example "Omg!!! It's so far! It's so late!"

Sorry folks. I don't have the patience to try to persuade you. All I want is a YES or NO. I have no more patience of listening to such replies. That's why I no longer call these friends to enjoy the movie with me.

Thank god. I have new friends that I can share the tickets with.

And another.. I am not sure if I shared here.

I have thought of taking back my vocal classes but I was also torn between drawing class. So a friend discouraged me to take vocal classes because I cannot generate money with singing. Because I was torn and also because not enough of savings yet, I didn't take either. Because I want to take up both! Because I like both and I prefer singing over drawing!

And today I went into an audition without knowing it was for a musical theater. I was asked to prepare a musical piece. Damn. Thank god I have learnt singing before? I was able to come up with a musical song amidst the rusty singing voice.

Just because it didn't work for you does not mean it won't work for others too. It just shows you are not sincere with your hobby. When you learn something is because you want to learn it without thinking of the returns. Of course you can think of the returns but put interest and passion in front first and you will see yourself being far more happy. Yes, of course, learn something also that can provide bread and butter. Why not? We live in a world of capitalising every damn thing which money cannot even be brought into the coffin. However, I do agree that it's more comfy to cry in a Ferrari than a worn-out non-branded car. =)

Anyways, what I wanted to conclude is that never ever let someone to influence our own decisions or thinking. We know what's best for ourselves.

Singing nourishes my soul. So what it does not give me any returns. Who knows I may be a famous singer like Susan Boyle? She was not discovered at a young age. She was a hidden talent. Don't think so much of returns for we will be controlled by it instead.

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Horror flicks
Tuesday. 11.29.16 8:41 pm
I watched 3 horror films in 2016 to date. The most in my whole life. I usually don't watch horror films but I keep winning tickets to watch horror films!

Renaye! Stop entering those horror movie contests!!! But I can't help it! I love freebies!

Note: saving a url here!


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Ego and pain
Sunday. 11.13.16 7:05 pm
Argh. I think I am developing some huge ego and pain here. I just get irritated when someone said something directly to me. I keep asking myself why I am feeling this pain. Oh well, ego got brush, frankly. But then why?

I don't really know why, frankly. I feel pain means pain la!

Can I accept the truth? Yes I can even though it's painful as hell. So why did I feel pain now when my friend said I'm being judgemental on FB? He posted a video of a youth debating in youth parliament and concluded that the youth parliament is just a talk shop and bla bla. My reply was a situation picked from my observation recently about some university students not informing the new bus driver to stop at the usual departure area hence I cannot imagine the same kids fighting for human rights unless something drastic happens to them like what happened to Mahatman Gandhi.

My friend replied that I have no right being judgmental and "So we should take the fault they think that way because thats how we telling them to behave and think."

No. I shall not take the fault nor blame for having minion workers. I have done my part in making students think. Unfortunately, the system that we have do not encourage thinking instead enhance the spoon-feeding system. Even if we tried, the parents will complain that their kids are 'suffering'. And education institutions fear parents and their kids because they are the paymasters.

My ego is really hurt when I read that sentence. I SHALL NOT BE part of the fault.

In fact, isn't he being judgemental to say ME, part of the WE, for not doing my part in educating the kids?

I have been thinking of what to reply to him. I have known him for 4 years but mainly online. I know he is very opinionated and the type of wanting to be a leader. And I seriously do not want to pick a fight on FB. To say 'you are judgmental' is the same being an asshole like him.

Do I like confrontations? No. Do I mind engage in confrontations? If I have to. Am I being a wussy? Well, maybe, but I have learnt that winning in confrontations only bring glory to myself but hurt to others. Therefore, I disengage and try to talk the truth during negotiations. No point of nuking everyone when we all need to live with each other. People will say whatever they want and when there's a reply they don't want to hear it will consider as outrage.

I think I have been too nice. People say I am not sensitive. Ok I changed my words to accommodate those sensitives. People say I am too demanding. Ok. I changed. People say I am too straightforward. I try to change but no matter what it's still quite straightforward, I mean the truth is the truth right? Where is the part where people like to say 'accept me for what I am'?

What a BS. I keep reflecting and then I realised it's all about YOU. When YOU don't like being hurt, YOU tell others to CHANGE for YOU. When a person says something back, YOU say SOMETHING to make YOURSELF HEARD because YOU THINK it's more 'politically correct' than YOUR pals.

It's all about YOU.

People say we change for our own good. True. I agree in a way. But for me, it has to come to the bottom place where IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU.

I was talking to a friend about the ex-friend who banned me on FB just because I said 'you hit jackpot' on her engagement photo. And then the few minutes later came the thunder of words: "I am marrying him not for the money. I marry him because I love him very much. Don't ever say that when you don't know me!"

Err.. yes, your bf then hubby is super rich who buys you stuff. Yes, your mutual friends and I did agree you are lucky to have such wealthy husband. But did my words ever indicated you are marrying him for the money? Jackpot carries various meanings in my context. She got this bf for a long long time... To have found someone you like who loves you back for what you are and having a harmony relationship isn't like hitting a jackpot?

Come on kid. Eat more walnuts. They are good for your brain. But actually my real meaning is she really is lucky to have married a wealthy husband.

And if you read the previous post... this was the example given to me that I am an asshole towards sensitive people that my words hurt her that I am poor in communication skills. Right.

It's ALL ABOUT YOU at the expense of my ego and pain so YOU can be EMBRACED by the SOCIETY.

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