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Speak to My Finger
Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
no brain talking
Monday. 8.21.23 1:16 pm
i really hate the way my mother talks. just now, i heard her bullying my sister into doing something. i really hate it. if i were my sister, i would cut ties with the family since she has already moved out of the house. my sister and i opposed to selling one of our father's properties because they serve as an income for my mother. but my mother who only thinks of the money, wants to sell everything my father had. mainly also because she hates him to the core. so because of this, she bullies my sister into doing things to soothe the child in her, which i always feel like telling to fuck off.

she always thinks she is an exception from karma. she is untouchable in the eyes of karma, which is absolutely ... bullshit. i see her on daily basis receiving the ends of karma whipping her for what she has done. like scolding me with unkind words that made me wanna kill myself for all those years... and i'm seeing her friends scolding her now.. karma is real.

the problem is all these unkind words in us, like myself, don't know they overstayed their welcome. in fact, they rule my mind, because i thought they are true. and now, as an adult almost touching my 40, i only realised what a fucking god shyte about it. and it's already too late to train my mother out from her bad habit. at this age, she still bullies me and my sister, and i hated myself for it. i hated myself to allow her to manipulate over me. why? just because i want to keep the harmony in the family at the expense of myself. in the name of fucking peace.

people who don't experience trauma would not understand the pain, the hatred, i have to deal within myself. the so-called demons. that's why it's so important to be kind to everyone, because you don't know what demon class we are all fighting against every fucking second. before you say 'oh be positive', go think if that would help me tame the demon raging, tearing inside me when all i want is to take the pen to jab my neck.

my mother lives in peace because my sister n i have to take care of her feelings. if her demons go raging, we let it scratch us so my mother stays unharm. do u even understand what they heck am i talking about?

my friends like to say i'm choosy when comes to my love life. really? you and my mother r just the same, because u just want my boyfriend to fit your expectations. no? don't tell me you didn't choose your bf.. if that's the case, i help you arrange ur marriage, ok right? i just pick some homeless person for u. that'd do right? why not?

hurt is hurt. don't be a prick to say use all these criticism to make me stronger. it just fucking hurt. and don't ever shy away from my words that you just like hurting people with your words. and i'm happy to be able to just cut off this friend. hurt is hurt. there's no excuse i'd accept to justify ur discrimination just because 'i look like no focus.' hello. i've more life experiences than u. and i never even commented on ur life... so why r u so busy body?

and now.. i only acknowledge feedback from experts. all those people who r not even in the line of my work should just not open their mouth. i teach u one mindfulness exercise to all those busy body. take one hand, and put over ur mouth. do that a few times, until ur brain go mushy. to be frank, why are we so engulfed by those feedback coming from non-expert? are their feedback helpful? not at all, isn't it? i remember someone told me that my crying act is so dramatic. i was super taken aback to be frank. all i could think was did i over kill it? as time passed, i realised i didn't do wrong. acting is all about in the moment. it's the reaction to the here-and-now. there's no right or wrong. and i'm just reacting to the vibes in the air. thanks to my realisation, i was able to repeat my crying scene easily. i'm now more confident in my acting skills. that's because i stopped listening to non-experts. that really gives me a peace of mind. u should try doing that too. just kondo those people away. they are just a waste of space in ur head.

so back to my mother. in the end, i feel sorry for her who doesn't realise what she is doing now. awareness is so important. by being aware, u can live a more enriching life. she can bully me all she wants, and the feeling of regrets and pain will be excruciating painful during death. yea the enlightenment after death is so painful that u r just so embarrassed or simply cannot brain why u just did that during ur living moments. talk to a mediumship for the live experiences they have. their insight is so valuable.

i have a lot of things to say about my mother. maybe next time.

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To be soothed
Tuesday. 7.11.23 1:25 pm
The quote that states that we want to be soothed by the people who hurt us rings truth. I'm experiencing it. I notice I express my hurt back at the person who hurt me, because I want him/her to own the events or the hurt that caused me hurt.

I'm not wearing my trauma as a badge of honour, but I can't help telling to others, because I thought by saying it repetitively, it would go away, and it doesn't. The more I say, the more the memory becomes active, and I got loop in a traumatising memory. If possible, I want it to rest for good, because it's tiring for my mind to stay on fight or flight mode all the time. My adrenaline is always high to protect myself even though I'm in a safe moment. It doesn't matter where I am, I have so many thoughts playing some things over and over again, so I can strategise what I can do to protect myself since I was a child. It becomes a habit. If a behavioural is learned, then it can be unlearned too, but it's difficult for me.

I'm trying, but as I read more on psychology stuff, it triggers a lot of things inside me. The more I read, the more I want these undead to stay dead. I don't need them to be awakened every now and then. Maybe I should stop lying to myself that hurt is hurt, and I need to acknowledge the depth of my hurt. I have to acknowledge that staying together with the cause of my hurt is not wise. I may be able to withstand most of the time, but let's get real.

There's a price to pay, which is the wound cannot be heal. I need time to be away from seeing the face that caused me hurt on daily basis.

So what's your plan now, renaye? No idea for now. I have always wanted to stay some time in Japan, to experience life like a local. I'm having headache on the money since everything has gone up. If I'm serious, then I would find a way, right? There's no point of waiting of who dies first now. I still have dreams to achieve. That's more productive than waiting for each other to die first to extinguish this suffering.

I provoked a quarrel with my mother, not because I wanted to create something similar, meaning I'm used to having quarrels in the home, so having peace for a long stretch could create discomfort in me, because that's not what I grew up to. I highlighted that she is not independent in doing things, and she likes to wait for her children or someone to accompany her.

As I get older, I realised I cannot and don't want to tolerate anymore the feelings that emerge when I accompany her to do things. It's not easy you know to fight those demons. Because when I was younger, I'm scared of my mother for beating me up... and now in my adulthood, I don't know what that feeling has morphed into. Maybe it has become some kind of monster inside me that I could no longer recognise anymore. All I want is to get rid of these feelings, which I could not even label other than great discomfort, where I would want to fly at the second I feel it coming.

I was ingrained that I was never good enough. Whatever I do was never good enough for my mother, and even father. There's always an expectation that I could never meet, an appraisal without the fine details to achieve. I was a real blind sailor in the sea, who has been told that the stars in the sky didn't exist. I spent my whole life to chase after some ghost expectations, which I don't even what the fuck is that expectation. Get married? Ok... I see my sister found 3 boyfriends, and they never satisfy my mother at all. The last one was truly sad, because my mother kept calling the guy 'old man.' Poor thing. Another time my friend commented if she was selling off her daughter to the highest bidder, because I labeled her boyfriends by their wealth. It hit me how I was trained to see their wealth instead if they have been kind to my sister. Me? My mother went wailing, and wailing in the car when I was 13 how suffering she was with my father, while reminding us again, and again, like a broken player not to find a guy like him. Because she kept pressing us... for something which I don't remember, like checking on us if we understand what she was talking, I decided there and then that "I promised I'd never married." Do you know that I'm keeping that promise mentally and emotionally until today? That's a very sarcastic way to put the blame on others, but yea, do you know how that feels when you allow yourself hold hostage of yourself because I wanted to make someone happy in that moment, which cost me my whole life of suffering? What does that moment say about us in the car at that time? My mother was truly suffering, and she parentified me and my sister, because it's not our job to listen to parent woes, much less to take care of how she feels from our reactions, because that would limit us to be our true self. What's wrong with that? Imagine you're gifted in cooking, but because your mother doesn't like, she forbid you from doing so. Each time you do, she burns your hand, but the physical scar heals so perfectly fine that people don't believe that you had scars before, but you remember the pain mentally, and emotionally so ... to not have that pain again, you either totally avoid cooking totally or do it quietly behind her back, hoping you don't get punished again. Forget about the movies/drama you watch that there's an acceptance at the end. No, there isn't either from your family or friends.

Because your experience would then teach you that you have to be so strong to support yourself, which is what I'm doing now. I've become so cranky because I have reached my threshold over again and again, despite increasing the level so many times. It's tiring... when can I rest? When I die? This threshold is not about pushing how far I can go to maximise my talents, it's about how much I can tolerate the fight or flight after calculating the cause and effect of my interactions/actions involving my mother. I need to manage myself so I can manage my mother's mood. It's like I'm arranging a playlist in her so she is doped with dopamine. I don't have a break from doing it.

My sister has moved out for the third year. We don't even know where she works and lives. Haha. Not joking. But still, she could not escape from the clutches of my mother. Frequently, my sister has to come home to do her biddings, which is extremely no brainer, like to do bills. If don't do her biddings, my mother would guilt-trip like just now: She wailed how much of life she has sacrificed to take care of us, that we, children, now cannot even help out with such small things. Because she is guilt-tripping me, it opens back the wounds I experienced when I was younger where I was beaten for not meeting an expectation, like for getting 4th in class instead 1st, or being called stupid all the time for not being able to do anything right or good. If you were so smart, then doing things on your own is fine right?

How do you expect a 13 year old child to regulate her emotions when she listens to your suffering about being accused as a cheater, while she has to cope with her own sufferings caused by you and her father, and her life, where on and off she regretted for not committing suicide at 12 for not 'passing' the major exams like how you wanted. She has to bear your shame for going to some infamous school as a consequence.

Looking back at my memories, I had some incidents that cause me goosebumps because if I had indulge in them, I could have excessive daydreaming, or split personality so I could confront daily bully from my mother.

I'm talking about the story of my triggers, and my reactions, but my mother fails to acknowledge that she is the trigger no matter how many years have passed. Because I have to manage myself, I must analyse all factors until sometimes I don't know what is real and true due to the stories I tell myself to soothe myself... The stories that keep me moving forward, to not stop giving up in life. Do you think it's easy to do? These stories keep me alive and safe, and now they are not effective anymore, and I need to change them that's aligned to reality. That's the most painful part. It's not because I cannot part it, it's because I didn't realise I have stood so strong for myself to survive. How the hell did I even survive those violence? I don't remember how to be vulnerable anymore, and that's the number one rule to survive with a violent and manipulative family is to never be vulnerable, because you would be the easy prey to taunt with.

My mother didn't want to see the triggers, and all she is seeing is my reactions. And that pains me a lot, because all I wanted is her accountability that she CAUSED me a lot of pain that I don't know how to manage my pain anymore, like my wall is not high anymore to contain the pain that it keeps overspilling to the greens outside the wall.

Did my trauma and unhealed wounds the cause of my current additional illnesses? I have thyroid issues, which is obviously a trauma illness. Why? Because I cannot express anything emotionally to my parents, because I don't matter. However, they cane express anything on my emotionally and physically. It's a one way street. I suffer a lot from being silenced. What happens if a pot cannot contains the hot gas inside it, and yet I have to contain my emotions despite my body is on fire?

You would never understand the pain I'm having now caused by my mother. This is the variation from my mother's words: You'd never understand the pain caused by your father. Yes, I would never understand that pain, because I'm not his wife. But I'm your daughter who is suffering the consequences of your actions, thoughts, feelings.

You said why I always criticise about you. Isn't this familiar? You always criticise me when I was younger until I dare not share anything with you. Everything I did/said is to protect myself from your wrath and beatings. You keep on reminding me that not serving you would entail bad karma... look who's speaking now? Your friends bully you, scold you, and you dare not answer back? But it's ok to express it on children just so you can feel powerful for some seconds? Who's the real evil here?

All I want is my pain to be acknowledged by her, which I would never had. I don't know how to soothe myself about that. All I can do is to allow myself to cry a river... to cry about the roads not taken. What if I had a marriage? What if I had moved out and cut ties with the family more than a decade ago? What if I had become an escort to support myself at night? What if I had killed myself when I was 24?

Be kind to others because you don't know what they are going through at the moment.

For a fleeting moment, I could feel there are some parts of my experiences can be an inspiration for stories, but I'm not in the mood to tune into it, because I would be then busy thinking how to manage the aftermath of the quarrel. I know she will act like a victim when I tell her she could follow me to my university area for some government matters, which is the content of the quarrel actually.

Don't tell me what I should do, because many of the replies are always telling me what to do, instead of acknowledging the pain and the trauma I have. If like this, then having a shark chasing, and biting you every second should be fine, right? And yea.. you cannot do anything to it, no removal whatsoever. Just let it bite you till you dry, it's alright, isn't it? If not, why not? Shark's bite is not painful, it's just your imagination.

It's the memories of the past or future that give me suffering, it's not the present, but I'm so stuck in these memories because they are the ones who fill in the gap of what happened so I could survive. And now I need to soothe myself, and I don't know how.

Just let your heart run wild sometimes 'coz you have a zoo of emotions.

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Cut and cut
Saturday. 7.1.23 3:15 pm
I realised i'm going to post another incident coming from the same friend.

my god. the number of friends i'm having is shrinking faster than the iceberg melts.

this time, this friend said something extremely unpleasant in my presence. since the last reflection, i have expressed how unhappy i am with him. and i decided to ease my communication frequency with him as in don't chat unless if it's extremely necessary, which by all means means DON'T ever message him again. however, i don't want to be cruel either for he has helped me a lot in the past, and i would like to keep my words that i'd buy him something for his expired birthday.

so believe me, i have not spoken to him more than 3 times since the last post, because our second last conversation exploded. yes, exploded because he accused me, correctly, that we're not gonna talk again (?). i can't help to reply in my head how correct he was, because his accusation 'what's your problem' troubled me a lot... and i feel talking to him is extremely exhausting. like i said, i don't want to be a jerk who forgets one's help, i explained to him in the same tone he gave me that i'm extremely busy that i don't even have time to grief for my friend's passing and sending condolences to her family, which is a fact... in fact, i was so busy that time he messaged me that i was hardly eating well, causing me to have various health issues from sleeping to digesting, and other serious backlog works concerning my clients... hence i really don't have time to reply to non-essential messages like his. to be accused like that out of the blue is very disturbing to me, as though my trauma wounds have been reopened, and feeling the need to explain everything. but i hold myself back, and reflect on the covert message and reply him on par.

nowadays, i get short circuited pretty quickly; can blame on my sluggish liver, but these responses are mostly calculated, because i'm extremely exhausted how easy these people response whatever they want without thinking of bearing the consequences, or the consequences inflicted onto the receiver. being an impatient person, i could not wait for karma to strike them, so i thought i could help them get a taste of man-made karma first while they wait for some natural karma to come in years la...

ok. cut the suspense. so what did this friend say yesterday at the food fair when i bumped into him? i told him that i'm gonna check out some alternative healing booth, and his response was 'OH YOU WANT TO GET CON IS IT?' i was taken aback... shocked... surprised with that response. where the hell did that come from? that suddenly grounded me to make a deep reflection of the source. what made him said that in the first place? what did he mean by con? did he mean that I CON HIM?

i could not digest until today. it disturbs me gravely. why would he said that? i know i have referred him to some traditional chinese medicine dr for his leg condition, which he had been having for years. and his condition was healed with just one visit to that dr. was that a con job? i didn't get anything in return, you know. the dr didn't give me anything free in return. i referred because the dr's medication has helped me a lot, which is why i share with many others.

he felt con is it because the medication didn't work for his deteriorated eyes? man... just because it work miraculously for the leg for one session, and he expected the same thing would happen for his eyes? rome is not built in a day, and he expected his eyes would revert to a 25 year old over night when he is already hitting 60 in reality? i remember he kept on framing the medication as painkiller for working miraculously, and the dr had to explained repetitively that it doesn't. otherwise, the ministry of health would ban the medicine.

i have taken this dr's medication for more than a year due to the severity of my condition, and the constant stress i'm having that my body don't have time to recuperate. so when he knows i take the medication for so long, he immediately comments "The medication is not working la." At first, he said it very quickly, as though he didn't want me to catch it. Now, recalling and piecing all the memories, i think i really appreciate if he could just tell me straight in the face about what he thinks about my recommendation on all these traditional medicine.

i'm up for discussion on all these natural medicines that we have, because i will have such discussion with my family members once in a while to exchange notes: my family members also visit their own traditional chinese medicine physicians, so we all know quite well about how body works pretty well. and we know what to eat to gain health, but it's just stress is a constant annoyance that obstructs our path in becoming healthy. and our diet... ughh.. lets save it for another time....

but to tell me intersperse about how you feel about this matter annoys me to the max. i also realise i have hit my threshold of patience in listening to non-constructive criticism. i won't hold back my tongue in lashing at people, because many don't have the same experience as me in seeing such physicians when comes to health. my family has been practising healthy eating for more than 20 years. and you want to tell me what to eat?

his words have plunge me into reflections over and over again, and realise he is just a shit head who has no wisdom and exposure when comes to health. my family, despite being ugly, is open to receiving information about health, and we dare to experiment anything that's considered as health product. we use our money and body to try out those health products and services, and you want to tell me what's good and not? now, i only can tolerate people who have experience on par with me. i would then have information to learn from, and exchange with. otherwise, i'm just talking to some shit hole like this friend.

there's a booth that cares for the eyes. being a freeloader myself, i tried that service for free and wow.. my eyes can see clearer after putting on the goggles that massage the eyes. when i told this friend about it, he just flatly replied me 'it won't work for me.' have you even tried? nope he didn't. what shit head for saying no without trying.

actually last night, i should stand up stronger. (maybe that's what I truly wanted). he asked me to counsel his family member, which i did in a limited time... and then after the brief session i had, i then realised i could try doing an activity to portray her situation... so i told him that night the activity that he could try with this family member... so when i was demonstrating on him just for 3 minutes, then he suddenly just withdrew and said 'i know what you're doing', and then sank into passivity. the fuck? seriously, the fuck? i was extremely exhausted last night. i spent 5 hours seeing clients, and then met with you for cuppa coffee to perhaps to discuss how some knowledge i have could help ur family member, and u just withdrew.. become passive, and not mentioning the whole night u keep fucking playing with ur phone without interacting with me much. and i had to talk to ur gf the whole night?

how dare you? i was truly angry at myself for letting a shit hole abused my time like that. i could choose to do reports over spending time with you. because he withdrew in the middle of my demonstration, i lashed out how angry i were... his gf tried to remedy the situation, and i gave her face, because i'm not a shit hole like him. now i see a different side of his gf. but still i cannot forgive him for spending time on his phone instead of interacting with me. and yet, he was the one who asked me to have a drink.

shit hole. shit head. go and shit la in the loo. that's more productive.

here's a strong reminder to myself to constrict my boundary more.. meaning no more sharing of information with others.. this is not the first time i'm into trouble. one more is not my fault at all. some shit hole didn't want to drink water and because so dehydrated that he was admitted to hospital, and blamed my traditional medicine for making him sick. hello... how the hell u not drink water in a freaking humid hot country? who the hell tell u to sip water so little that u fainted?

why r there so many dumbos in my circle?

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what's ur problem?
Thursday. 3.30.23 2:47 am
i think i lost another friend officially.

thinking back of the conversation we had was really petty, and i'm not sure is it necessary for him to be emotional about it.

as asian and due to my personal upbringing, i'm extremely sensitive to words like 'i miss you' and other emotional words. on the whole, i'm alright because it means i've done something right in the friendship. but to hear it from a friend who already has a girlfriend, i seriously don't welcome it no matter how open the girlfriend is. i draw boundary extremely clear. i don't mind having a meal/coffee with you, but pls don't ever say those words to me.

so when he said that he missed my meowing, i replied 'time for u to get a cat bro.' then two banters, then he replied how cruel i were for not acknowledging his misses. like i said, i'm not used to hearing such words. how should i response in the first place to a guy who has a gf? so in the end i was frank with him that i acknowledged. i'm not sure if i acknowledged too late when he said he was worried about me for not being able to complete my masters on time as i have to have a lot of client contact hours. so when i replied about this is that he didn't need to worry about this because i've this somewhat under control. then

and then the next reply was 'go away... meow....' x2.

and then a few days later, i messaged him asking how he is... he replied in a manner where i felt not welcome to message 'what do u want.' he did entertain a little. and then when i asked how he is.. there's no reply ...

so two days ago i messaged him asking if he's still feeling hurt/raw from my reply, there was no reply until today.

so ok.. i reflected on this since our first reply, and i seriously not sure what went wrong. my reply? his attitude? i seriously got no idea, and i'm tired to think about it because i've been sick for the past 2 months. on almost daily basis, i develop arthritis on different part of the body, and others. i'm in pain all the time and i still have to cope with my studies and client interviews and ensuring i'm not provoking the crazy tigress at home.

i'm super tired. not mentioning, i dislocated my left shoulder, and could not use it for 6 weeks.

and now i've to spend energy in nursing this friend's emotions? he knows very well what i'm going through. but i seriously don't care if he takes this into account.

all i really want to ask him is 'what's ur problem?'

last month, i asked him for his thoughts on our medical dr's professionalism, and he kept barking at me 'what's your problem?' without acknowledging my emotions, and the issue. and gave me unsolicited feedback that i want him to meet my benchmark that i cannot accept his eccentricity. i took that feedback with buckets of salt.

the conclusion of my reflection is that he compared our patient-dr relationship with this eccentric dr. to be honest, ours cannot be compared at all. i visit this dr on monthly basis where he only visited the dr only thrice, and then complaint he is not good at all because that one jab he got cannot cure his eye problem. the dr and i never promised that he would be healed with one jab. my regular visits to this dr became his 'evidence' that the medication i'm getting is not good at all.

about benchmark, it's true that i want this dr to hit some benchmark, because it's customer service. i don't care about the eccentricity if he could attend to my symptoms, but i'm talking here about customer service benchmark. don't ask me to accept him overall because i'm not his friend. all i asked is that this dr don't harass me 20 calls when i didn't make payment on time as promised. at that time, i had severe arthritis on my right hand, only operating with three fingers, and one of them is not a thumb. and my left hand not mobile. and i had to attend to a client during the promised time, and i told him i would be late in making the payment. he didn't need to say 'U PROMISED ME" in the msg over and over again. this was the first time i could not make payment on the spot. it seems he also harassed my other friend like this too, resulting my friend hating to see him again.

oh, mind you that one jab of this dr's medication had helped him walk without experiencing pain anymore in a day.

and yet he kept commenting on my regular visits to support his claim that this dr is not good. and yet i didn't slap him back with any comments. all of us are free to comment what we feel about the medication.

and yet, you want to be sensitive with me for not saying back 'i miss you too'?

what's your problem?

anyways, because i don't want to spend so much energy on him anymore, i just deleted his number.

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gaslighter
Wednesday. 2.1.23 9:30 am
so ... i've been gaslighted by a bunch of people for just asking honest questions in class? i mean is there anything wrong with asking for confirmation what time the class ends on a Chinese celebration festival day? and i'm celebrating it.

at first, i may have felt myself for being obnoxious for being direct to others, but in reflection, i really got no idea how to be less direct. coz i'm asking real valid questions in class like 'so do we submit in xx or aa form?' when the whole class is giving different answer?

i've been told that this situation is affecting my relationship with my supervisor, and there's an expectation to fix it. i agree when i'm the one that always prioritises relationship especially i need it to make things work. but for this, i'm at loss. on reflecting, i can't see how it is my fault for being critical on the procedures and instructions of the assessment. can u imagine the exam questions can contain question outside of your textbook? and u shall bring that question into your coffin for trying to think why you haven't remember that syllabus when it's not even covered by the lecturer.

how can i be less critical? am i not allowing myself to work in a non-perfect order? no. i figure myself as flexible, but can be rigid also, but as long as i know the rules and order clearly, then i can work freely to my whim. all i am asking now is to gain better clarity, not because i've nothing to do. r u telling me i cannot ask questions to have a better understanding? i didn't ask irrelevant questions. because i ask 'stupid' questions, all of you have clarity/confirmation on what you understand.

why am i the only critical? there r so many others in the group, why didn't they voice out? why am i the only one? because that matter has not affected them, until the deadline is near, or they r the ones who suddenly got confused with their information at hand.

by not answering my questions in the chat group is to avoid conflict, by also hoping that some answer would appear on its own.

i talked to some individuals from the group, and they also realised the instructions were unclear and inefficient. some discrepancy was glaring. unfortunately, they won't voice out.

well, i get it. being selfish is the best policy to move forward.

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it's all about the money
Friday. 9.23.22 9:42 am
my anxiety about the inheritance comes back to me again. i really hate it.

it's all about the money.

i overheard my mother's conversation with her lawyer in discussing openly if she could sell the properties which was bought in joint names when my father was still alive. i remember how at the beginning she was such in a reverie of converting every damn asset of the person she hates until she found out her late husband bequeath his properties and his assets to his daughters, only leaving the cash bank to her. and for that, she hated him more.

she hated him for not leaving everything to her.

she hated him for seeing her children getting their share, lesser, than what she got in total out of the will.

i have never seen how a mother could be jealous of her own children's inheritance money. she has more cash than her children. and the properties give her monthly rental that is equivalent to a fresh graduate monthly salary.

and still, she hates him to his core in the ashen bowl. if you hate him so much, why do you yearn for his money like a beggar wanting the moon?

because nobody makes enemy with money.

even i would not give away all my inheritance just to make my mother happy because nothing is enough for her.

i have been informed she is contacting the lawyer who made her will. and i'm curious what she is gonna do next. cross her daughter's names out of the will? and what would you do with all the cash then? bring down to the grave?

i thought the aftermath of anxiety and the battle of will is gone. it's never really evaporated from her mind eh.

i don't like conflict, and that's why i'm having anxiety about this.

it's amazing though to see how she flirts with the lawyers, doctors, and many more with her pitiful story as a victim of the oppressed, suppressed, and bullied.

that's why people say never judge the book by its cover. if you know me well, it's the opposite. otherwise, why do u think i need to see a therapist?

people usually see a therapist because of the people in their environment inflicting their pain onto others. therapists always attend to the victims, not the other way round. because the bullies don't know their actions are called bully.

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