I never expected to have a heart palpitation at 0100.

i though i would be fine if my mother asked me for some help, because i want to keep the peace between us. so sometimes sucking it up is the best way to tolerate it. tolerate is the best word fit, i'm not making room to let this pain to go through me as though i'm transparent. she's just not worth it.

so i never expected how my body remembers the trauma. and i thought i have overcome the fear or whatever the reactions i used to develop whenever she asked me for help.

at 0030, she received a phone call, and then came into my room - because i am still up studying - and asked if i could help her out to apply china visa for in the next few hours because she and her friends would like to get it done concurrently. upon hearing the requests, my body suddenly felt the tingling sensation, like my fingers left me... floating into thin air, and what i'm feeling is some phantom fingers moving... and then my heart sudden beat 100 times more than usual. suddenly just speed up that my internal ears could not catch up with it.

in my head, i tried to investigate what's going on... it's just a small matter.. i have done this before .. i have helped her before but each time i helped her i know i was tolerating the yucky feeling of helping her. because i'm totally triggered by her. when i was younger, she always called me stupid... so stupid that you better be a prostitute. this remark ingrained in me since i was before 6 years old. i was beaten into a pulp on my 10th birthday just because i was the 4th girl in class. she stopped beating me physically with some insults because my auntie called in to wish birthday, and was wondering why i was tearing on the phone, until i said she is beating me for being 4th in class. only then she stopped because she forgot it was my birthday. so my birthday saved me? did it? should i be happy i was born on that date she was beating me in order to soothe her ego and face?

reading works on childhood trauma really sometimes open up my wounds...

anyways, i remember mentioning to her before TO NEVER ASK ME FOR HELP WHEN COMES TO IT, because she likes to disguise 'teach me' with DO EVERYTHING FOR ME COZ I'M NOT GONNA LEARN, AND IF U DON'T I'M GONNA SHRED U WITH GUILT, SHAME... and i don't know how many times i have been traumatised by those kinds of episodes before. until i realised she didn't bother to learn, she just wants someone to do it for her. and then i confront her that she is not learning, then she would make the case that i'm against her, whatever shit she can use against me.

my mother is a full package of a narcissist, gaslighter, manipulator and the whole load of that... psycho path? a borderline, i think, coz i saw how she felt 'better' after beating me ... or how she berated me not to give any jobs to her competitor with crocordile tears, and then SMILED right after I gave in.. and how she took pleasure in seeing her children giving in to her demands.

I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

What does she see in me? I would never know, and don't want to know. I just pray that she don't come and visit me when she dies. I shall tell my guides not to let her come near me in spirit form. I don't want such vile person to see me in spirit. in fact, i want her to stew herself in all those realisation of the pain she causes in others. i learnt that when we die... we then reflect on the last life we had, including all the pain.. bla bla bla... it hurts so much that u feel like everything anything all at once passes through u. yup.... my mediumship teacher said that to me when she mediated a session for me with my deceased father. up to u to believe. i'm not here to debate whatsoever.

and so.. i feel sorry for my sister who is now taking on the brunt of her demands. the last time my sister tried to be assertive on certain things, my mother crushed it with verbal violence that i felt so sorry for my sister to bear it. from the outside, i could see how resilient my sister was in withstanding the violence verbally and distant physically... well my mother was screaming at the top of her lungs how cruel, vile, evil, my sister was for not doing something that she wanted, and then guilt tripping her with how she has taken care of us.. her children is just a piece of shit.... useless, worthless of her care.. if that's the case we should just continue to be a piece of shit right? whatever i do is just a piece of shit right? then why should i even bother to help u? trying to manipulate me to soothe or to give into ur demand? is this some kind of a competition to see who is the cruelest here? everyone has a role to play, but i'm trying to survive here. hurt is hurt. pain is pain. i'm resilient, but there's a threshold, and i have already pushed this threshold to the highest ceiling, and i cannot push this any more.

this is why my body is reacting with tremors... and i feel like crying... i feel like i regressed being a child again... helpless of not able to protect myself from such violent barrages. the only way to protect myself is to give in, is to fulfill her demands. to what end?

do u know what was running in my head when she asked me if i could help? the reply i was ready to tell her "I'M SORRY I CANNOT HELP YOU. YOUR REQUEST IS OPENING UP MY WOUNDS WHERE U HAVE BEATEN ME UP VIOLENTLY FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO FULFIL UR REQUEST (BEING THE FIRST GIRL IN CLASS).. I CANNOT TOLERATE THIS PAIN ANYMORE. PLS ASK SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP U."

if she wanna scream like how she did to my sis, go ahead... because i want to add on "IF I HAVE A CHOICE CHOOSING BETWEEN DEATH AND HELPING U, I CHOOSE DEATH OVER AND OVER AGAIN." that is how severe my trauma is if triggered, like right now.

she withheld her love when we r good, that is being the good that she wishes us to be. why do i always argue with her? because i have a lot of pain caused by her seeping out of me, yet i have to withhold as much as i can in order to survive.

i'm almost 40. what a joke this is to be afraid of such innocent request. but u know what? the inner child remembers all memories that hurt us, and would react in the name of defense or reminder THAT's ENOUGH.

do u know what trauma is? traumatic events that become memories on autoplay mode in our head. that's because part of the brain that's in charge of processing all events into memories are jammed with cortisol, the stress cells, from doing its job. thus, the traumatic events didn't get to be processed.

and my mother one time screamed at our house front entrance that she would made my life hell. and u know what i replied? LIVING WITH U IS ALREADY HELL.

isn't it? i have trauma replaying in my head whether i like it or not, and everyday is a battle to let it be like watching cars moving without chasing after them. this always happens whenever i'm idle, or i would be recalling some events where i didn't get to protect myself and strategise how i can protect myself in the future should this event be repeated. u see how tired i am, and what a waste of time, when i can use this energy and brain cells to think to plan my future. and yes, i always have to redirect my attention to more productive stuff.

a week before chinese new year, my mother n i had a scene in a huge mall. she went screaming at me for being a shithead telling her to line up behind me simply because many people just let their family members jump queue. and she said i should do the same thing to do. but i didn't. because what's wrong with lining up? it's a good way to waste time other than loitering at the front entrance because the crew only allowed people lining up to enter the queue.

nope. she made a scene. she has a knack to create a scene victimising herself. and the setting was so interesting. it was amongst the heavy line-ups with other shoppers. and the young shopper behind us was like 'aiya... family members dont need to like up.. just jump the queue la.. aiya... no big deal..' he was just being nice.

and what i did? i jumped in and shouted at her back. u think i would give face? i have had enough of her trying to shame me in public with verbal abuse and physical violence. she loves doing that, and then she would boast it to her friends. she did that, especially on physical violence, during my childhood, and often with a triumph tone. that's why i said she's a psychopath. she takes pleasure in hurting others? i remember some friends felt sorry for her children, and then asked us back what did we do to trigger such wraith. did they just validate her rights to abuse me verbally and physically? i remember crying in front of them. yea. what did i do to deserve such public shaming. by just being myself? by just honoring my own emotions? u beat me because u cannot handle emotions? and that's the child's fault for making u uncomfortable? read that previous sentence again.

so what am i gonna do with that request if she persists? my body will break down from the forgotten memory that causes my body to tremble. telling her than i'd choose death over helping her might soothe me and please me, but would incur a woman's wrath. i don't know maybe i will ask her back if she were in my situation, what she would do.

and i already know. she would put the spotlight on herself as the victim, who has already done her best in raising two kids with all she has. correct u have done ur best... but u never see us for how we r, u care for us, but we don't feel ur care nor love sincerely. there's always something u want to trade with ur children for ur care and love. and when u didn't get what u want, that's where the beatings come in.

if i feel like dying again if she persists with her request, then i would have to talk to a therapist on an emergency mode before i scratch my throat out. yup. that's how i hurt myself or suicidal ideation.

u just don't know how much strength anyone who has such tendency to stop themselves from giving in to their pain fantasy.

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It took me a year to have the courage to stop seeing this toxic doctor. I was reading my past entries here, which made me realised what contributed to my personality towards this doctor. Don't know if it's politically correct to say that I've been trained well by my mother to have such deadly service desire that in any wailing moments, their wants and needs are more important than mine that i don't matter, like let them wail to death will keep me safe. i just have to be extremely patient and still, and listen to them because that's what my existence is for. so toxic, and as though someone else other than my mother saw that too.

that last sentence of mine above really echoes eerily under my skin now...

i should have muster my courage earlier, especially i was able to see his employer a few months back during the clinic's open day. i actually had thought about it, but i didn't take it seriously. i should. get his contact just in case should times like this crops up, then i would have an avenue to complain.

ok. i'm beating round the bush, because i seriously don't know where to start. which red flags...

ok. let's start with my sister. this doctor was found by my sister first, and then intro to me and my mother because his clinic is just opposite my house. his traditional chinese medicine medical skills are good, better than many of the doctors i've seen, but his communication skills and professionalism are extremely on the other spectrum. he is not very hygienic as for a doctor. unfortunately, majority of the TCM r like that. only one TCM i have gone in a medical university was on par as western medical setting. his was just 'omg' status. my sister could not tolerate his hygiene, so always told him to be cleaner and what not especially she was visiting him during Covid times. but he just acted like 'what's the big deal?'. their communication got so bad until i didn't know what my sister said to him that this doctor called me like an injured boy licking his wounds to his mother. in between the licks and blames, he wailed why my sister did what she did... and playing the innocent victim what he had done wrong... for over an hour. and me... listened to him like a perfect understanding mother. what really ran in my head? well, why did my sister ruin her relationship with this doctor? she didn't need to do that because she may need to see him again one day. this is because it's very hard to find a very skilled doctor, and we spend years to keep searching for a better one... it's awfully tiring. anyways, i listened to him because i was already at that time his new patient and i didn't want to have any conflict with him. i was afraid that my sister would ruin our patient-doctor relationship, and what i did, in retrospect, was a favour to soothe him. he repeated my sister unjust actions onto him again and again ... like a broken player. and again and again i have to reiterate the suggestions he could implement in the clinic.

then... our relationship got better of course, especially since i saw him very frequently as i was taking the korean traditional medicine in a jab form twice a month. it was beneficial because i got to learn different ways in checking my health through the palms of my hand. but on my end, it was strictly professional as a patient, but not him. whatever woes he has he will just talk about it to every patient he sees. and he kept on asking me about some developer stuff which was ridiculously for me to know, and he thought i would know about it because i stay opposite. he also talked about his competitor which was just opposite him bla bla. he would talk about it every time i was there over and over again.

as i visited him frequently, it was easy to observe he has several eccentric behaviours, like he gets panic easily when there is another patient in the clinic apart from me. he would try to rush the treatment on me to attend the newcomer even though i came first. if possible, he just want to dump me and immediately go to that newcomer. it was very obvious. each time, i had to refocus him that i came first, and let them wait. isn't this super normal in western clinic? they just sit on the chair and wait for the doctor to be done? for him, he cannot tolerate that.

my mother never like him due to the way he speaks. he speaks broken english fluently, which irritates me and my mother to the max, but still i tolerate because i could see he makes some effort in speaking it. i have seen many dr who don't even give a shit about speaking in other languages apart from chinese. so alright with me.... since he could speak cantonese to us. but we got extremely irritated when his medicine was too strong for my mother who was recovering from severe acid reflux. he wrote her some herbs prescriptions, and she got to pack the herbs from the chinese medical hall. she boiled and drank, and she had severe healing crisis, which she could not tolerate the burning ache. so i informed him about it to change, and he refused. he kept saying it's customised for her, and healing crisis is expected due to her severity, so she needs to tolerate in order to heal. i understand what healing crisis is, but to be frank, i was at a crossroad. i know my mother lately didn't want to tolerate any level of pain, and if she did, she would try to transfer it onto her daughters, or just find any hole to avoid pain, which to be frank was a pain in my ass because i got roped in. anyways, the doctor said why don't i try it to see if her allegations were true. ok. so i drank it, and yes.. even though my gastritis was not as severe as my mother, i could even feel the gnawing sensation and nausea after one bowl. and i had 2 more to drink. i could not tolerate either. i threw it all. so i reported, and he went into a gaslighting, narcissistic, and manipulative mode that our allegations were not true, and there was something wrong with us mentally. so i said if that's the case, u buy one pack from us, which he did. and .... the next time he saw us, he boasted through the roof that how good that medicine did to him.. better skin and he felt so much better after drinking it... even his auntie drank it had no issues like us... and again the finger pointing at us that we were the trouble makers. until i had to tell him off that i didn't want to listen to the bragging. you didn't need to public ragging on us. we got the message that u r 'holier than thou' and didn't want to listen to ur patients. since then my mother hated him.

i saw him very frequently for my own personal medical issues to take the korean ginseng traditional medicine in a jab form. yup. i said that earlier here...

before i forget, i need to highlight how he violates patient's confidentiality. he likes to inform me this that client did what and what happened to them. of course some was in testimonial form, but he likes to inform me when my friends, who i referred, came to see him and what treatment he did for them... and then once.. he even said loudly to my friend who was skeptical about the jab that RENAYE COMES ALL THE TIME, U CAN ASK HER. i was so shocked to hear that that i was stunned to react. and when i told him about patient's confidentiality, he would brush it off like a pesky fly, repeatedly. the same thing happened even though i hammered him several times on confidentiality that one day there was an annoying patient kept asking me what treatment i had because ... she must have heard my scream... due to the injection pain on my inflamed fingers... he nonchalantly replied 'XXX treatment' in front of me. again i was stunned. and that patient then focused on me and continued to ask... i was so irritated from the pain and from him, and from her that i just kept quiet like she didn't exist. and he commented 'she speaks english' to that patient... until i had to tell off the patient i don't want to talk about it.

ok that's that.

i had it every month like 2-3 times in a month depending my conditions severity if i have flare up. at that time it was affordable especially it could relieve my arthritis in a day. but the red flags were just coming up more... his hygiene is extremely questionable. i don't know where he keeps the medicine because he has to go into the store room with the syringe to collect the liquid, and then there was no needle stand for him to put the needle. so he often just places it on the table without sanitising it. because he has to jab 10 various acupressure points, he just put it on the table like a pen while the patient moves around.

oh i forgot to mention he doesn't wash his hand after going to the loo....

i think what made me fed up about this toxis doctor is that he likes to harass me on the phone. the first time was my sister scolding him.... then each time my friend commented something he didn't like or cannot accept he would call me up to express his wounds... the last time was the worst of all. i didn't know my friend was very aggressive in demanding him to refund her money because he didn't do a good job. i don't know exactly what was their transaction, but apparently my friend threatened him... and then he called me asking me to tell her off that there's no refund. so when i told him she's ur patient so it's ur responsibility to talk to her.. then he shrunk and spilled his wounds.. so i just told him xx xx that he can do to address her concerns. big mistakes? coz he then called me three times in a day for the next 3 days about this issue. one time i had to stop eating my lunch to address this issue for almost one hour. he kept saying what he had done like a victim.. and i had to use my counselling skills to reinforce his strength... now in retrospect i was such a dickhead. i should have just hang up so i could enjoy my korean fried chicken... yes i was so kind hearted that i reinforce his strengths like we were trained to do so in counselling sessions throughout that one hour. and then when i heard his confidence came back, i ended the call.

again.. i was such a dickhead. i should just hang up...

again.. i should have seen that's already a violation of patient-doctor boundaries.. i know it, and yet i let it pass....

why should i be even responsible for my friend's refund issue? i'm such a dickhead now.

anyways.. after that i still follow up for my issues, but by then i was getting sicker due to stress this year. i have to work and study that i have not been eating well nor sleeping well. my digestive issue was so bad that i didn't have satisfying bowel movements for months, and i was bloating on a daily basis. i was so uncomfortable. each time i saw him, i would be telling him how bloated bla bla i were, and he just said that XX treatment i did seemed to have fast effect on u... and then i let it rest thinking i'm going to be fine and the medication just need some time to work since i didn't really control my diet either... this had been on going for like 5 months. the digestive issues were never resolved, and he kept saying my digestive issue didn't seem very serious. even his visiting doctor from korea came and commented how distended my belly was, yet both doctors didn't take any action to help relieve it.

until... i want to validate that my usual jab treatment was not effective for my digestive issue... i went to see my old timer TCM doctor which was far from me. man... he revealed so many issues and then he added 'renaye, u r full of shit.' yup. my poor bowel movement was not indicating that my bowels were clean like this toxic doctor claimed. the bowel's muscles were so weak that it could not push the shit out. i was disappointed that i was told by a different doctor when i've been seeing this idiotic toxic dr so frequently on almost weekly basis, that he could not tell me that? i did get medication from this old timer, but i felt his pills won't be effective for me as my condition now was serious... as my stomach was not absorbing nutrients at the maximum level. i bought his pills anyways to standby.

i totally lost trust in this toxic doctor when i was not told the truth of my condition. because the jab treatment only relieved my digestive symptoms for two days after each jab, i was already on the hunt for second opinion. i m truly thankful to my thrill for having freebies because this was how i found a better TCM doctor in terms of communication skills and professionalism. I think what disappointed me the most is that idiotic toxic dr knew how severe the dampness is in my body, and he didn't tell me the truth. when i complained to him about my water retention, he would brush it off and told me 'oh it's not serious' like it's nothing. but to me, it is a major concern because i don't want my thigh to look fat in jeans. it's serious to me so why r u telling me my truth is not true just because YOU don't think it's serious? as i think of it again, i hated how this idiotic dr belittled my condition in front of a patient. i also have water retention in my eyes, and i remember he said once before that the jab can help with that, and he did twice for my eyes before. so when i asked one time if he could jab to relieve the water pressure in my eyes again, because since the 2nd time, he had been avoiding not to repeat that movement, but i'm not the type of letting go if i don't get satisfactory replies.... then he replied me in a sing song tune 'YOU WANT TO POKE YOUR EYES?' i was dumb at that time, and just said i'm just concerned about my water retention. again, he just brushed it off.

with this new TCM doctor i found on IG... it was purely an accident. the clinic was having soft launch by giving out free consultation and cupping. as a thrill seeker, i signed up even though it was so far away from my house. it takes me 1.5 hours to go there by train. man... anyways.. i thought it'd be just one time off since i'm there for the cupping. but during the consultation, she told me my symptoms without even me telling her the full details. and she kept asking me if i was feeling certain symptoms, which made me truly surprised because i saw this idiotic toxic dr on a weekly basis, why wasn't i being told of all those symptoms even he had taken my pulse? because i was already seeing that idiot frequently, i just brushed off this female dr's diagnosis since i was not having any symptoms like she mentioned, and had my free cupping session. but i returned after 2 days, because the symptoms she mentioned appeared. i even Googled, and validated that what she said was right. My dampness issue was so bad that it had caused me so much of discomfort for months.. what the hell had this idiotic been doing? each time i saw him for a jab, he would only be asking where to jab, instead of taking the pulse and update me where i should be focusing. i had told him many times that AI can do his job if he just needs to jab.

so... i had been with this female TCM for the past coming 4 months, and i could see how my digestive issue improved. at the beginning also she brushed off my water retention issue, but i told her off to never ever impose ur belief onto me. u r trained as a doctor to listen to ur patients, never ever invalidate ur patient's complaint. unlike that idiot, she took note, and since then she just listens to my complain no matter how small it is. i am aware that i underestimated her skills because she is younger than me, but luckily i stick to my belief that there's always someone better out there. this is why my family members are always seeing different doctors whenever we found a better one. so that's why we can tell u which one is good in skills or facilities. we have spent more than a decade using our body to test their skills so u don't have to...

fast forward... i'm happy with this female doctor's skills. so far the medication is working for me, and my keratosis pillaris had decreased... the facilities not that great so is the hygiene but at least it's at the expected level. i'm just a hygiene freak....

i recently had a stye which i thought i had it cured with my old timer's TCM medication, but it was very overdosing mode, and i didn't want to continue down that road when i had a stye in my left. in fact i had two stye in my left eye. and so i tried my luck with this female doctor, because as far as i know, i never heard of TCM being able to treat it. even the normal western gp could not... i don't have hope. in fact, i was ready to pay a few hundred bucks to see an eye specialist to solve it. but god has been kind to me, the female doctor said she could, and she administered a bloodletting session on me. it was interesting because she let out the blood on the veins of my ear... an acupressure point for the eye. i was surprised to see so much blood was let out.. and the best part... it was reduced by so much by the next day! unfortunately it came back again in a day or two due to the heat contained in my body and the humid weather. so i visited her again, and this time she added a guasha to release the heat. this time three stye were gone, two on the left, and one in the right, for good. i was never that happy... and my treatment for this was just so affordable.

and this is where i'm gonna tell u a horror story about the bloodletting session conducted by that idiotic doctor...

so in my last visit for a jab, he was excited to share with me that he would be offering a new service called bloodletting, and it's free for all patients for the first time, and he would like to perform it on me later. i remember replying that's good news, AND i don't need it because as far as i understood from what he said... it's more applicable to people who have some swelling that filled with water or toxin or something like that. but at that time, i had no retention of any toxin.. so i asked can it help with water retention? he said no.. then again i don't need it. then he tried to convince me that it's free so i should have it. again, i asked where do u wanna do this on me? i really don't need it. he tried to convince me that this technique is very popularly carried out by a TCM doctor in Johor for all kinds of sickness. i asked if he has done it before, he said he had, but the way he replied was very unnatural and high pitch, as though he was hiding. i remember saying no again. and then i lied on the bed for him to jab. after the jab, again.. he said he wanna prepare to do the bloodletting. again, i said no. he again said it's not his first time. again i asked where u wanna bloodlet? he said this time thyroid. i asked why? is my thyroid disease a ball of toxins that needs to be released? i don't remember what he said, maybe along the lines for all kinds of diseases, and the white liquid should come out instead like what the TCM doctor produced in johor. because i was lying down, and i wanted him to shut up, i thought to let him do it so he would not pester me again, because it seemed like i was given a choice to say no. he then became so excited that i said yes. then he scrambled to get the materials and work on the poking. when he came with the small needle, i asked again if i really need this service, again in his fake voice, he said yes. by this time i really felt uncomfortable due to the differences in power between the doctor and patient. and when he poke, he tried to ooze the blood to come out, and he said 'HOW COME DON'T HAVE BLOOD?' in Chinese. Then I replied 'isn't that a good thing?' it means i'm fine.' i don't remember what was his reply because i only remember how unhappy he was with the outcome that HE POKE FOR THE SECOND TIME, and declared the same thing "EH WHY SO LITTLE BLOOD?" I was already very scared by this time and I just kept saying that I'm really fine and the XX treatment was working... but he WAS NOT HAPPY AND HE WANTED TO POKE FOR THE THIRD TIME. I went into screaming mode to stop him. Until to today, i felt disgusted with myself how I had allowed myself to be a lab rat for him.. how I allowed him to violate me when I was on the bed.

i have actually decided to let all these incidents behind me for the time being because i feel i still need the jab for the pain in my knee and hands. i just don't want to have anymore conflict, because my friends kept telling me to be more understanding that he is an eccentric doctor. in reflection, i felt compelled by my friends to respect his differences, so i just kept quiet. each time i told these incidents to a friend, each time he will reply me u need to let go... or why the heck i'm such a drama queen and compare how he went to see this idiot without any drama ensue.. coz u r an idiot to began with...that's another story.. anyways.. so i really also thought i'm just being drama... until my mother commented 'don u think that idiotic doctor has some autism?' then it just hits me. he fits some of the boxes of those brain developmental symptoms. he reminded me now a lot of my autistic friends. so i told myself to be more understanding because he is somewhat a disabled.

so for 3 months and more, i didn't contact him whatsoever... and then he contacted me asking me how i'm doing. i said fine medically, and immediately told him off i'm busy and will contact him for future jab appointments. he said noted. and then the following week, he said 'it's time for ur jab for ur medical conditions.' the fuck. again i just keep quiet coz i know his english is so broken that that was a translation from chinese. ok.. i said i'm busy next time. then the following week he said 'how r u auntie renaye?' man.. THE FUCK. I immediately told him not funny. his reply was JUST KIDDING.. HEHEHE.. I WAS KIDDING. i was smoking. i just told myself to ignore. then i asked him about the stye, but he said he could not do anything. ok fine. i just leave the conversation as it was.

almost 2 weeks later, he texted me again asking how i was doing. i said the old thing that i'm fine medically. again he asked me specifically how my medical condition doing, i said fine. he asked again like a broken player. this time i asked how can i help u. he said he is being concerned about his patient. in my head, i said too late. then he asked for my permission if he could share a testimonial. i was silenced because i was busy with my facial appointment and i really don need to know how effective the jab was. the problem is him, not the jab. since he asked for permission, if i don't reply anything, meaning he cannot share right? coz he added 'for confidentiality reason.' but i was wrong.. he flooded my whatsapp with one testimony and including pictures. and then he had the cheek to ask 'can i share another one?' eh idiot, i never even consented the first one... so i replied in caps that i didn't need to read any. then he responded he is just being concerned.. and then... he harassed my mother through phone asking why i did the way i did. my mum already knew his behaviour and also knew i must have said something to him. and mum was smarter than me, she just said then dont send her anymore testimonials la.. and then hang up coz she was actually in the middle of an online meeting. and then he replied me 'I NOTICED U HAVE CHANGED COMPLETELY.'

i was very disturbed by our last interaction... i even talked about it again my idiotic friend who said to accept his eccentric behaviours, and bragged how professional he was when he had treatment with this idiotic doctor. and... last night i realised why i was replaying this whole post over and over again since friday because....

I DON'T WANT TO COPE ANYMORE WITH HIS IDIOCY BEHAVIOUR

but my brain is telling me that walking out is wrong... indirectly i should continue to tolerate such shit... but i could not cope anymore... see what r the consequences are??? he didn't like me... see... he said that i have changed.. it's that what i want??? u don't want that but u did that, didn't u?

i've to find space within myself to fight through all this bullshit overthinking, and stepping out from it is scary because ...

since young i've been taught if i do that i would be paid with violence so i've been trained to cope with shit over and over again until i'm scared of the consequences of stepping out... even though i'm old enough to protect myself.

and now i'm stepping out.. i'm thinking if i were doing the right thing again and again....

do u know what this is? trauma at works.

to my idiotic friend... do u think accepting his eccentric behaviour at the expense of my awareness would bring me peace?

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i really hate the way my mother talks. just now, i heard her bullying my sister into doing something. i really hate it. if i were my sister, i would cut ties with the family since she has already moved out of the house. my sister and i opposed to selling one of our father's properties because they serve as an income for my mother. but my mother who only thinks of the money, wants to sell everything my father had. mainly also because she hates him to the core. so because of this, she bullies my sister into doing things to soothe the child in her, which i always feel like telling to fuck off.

she always thinks she is an exception from karma. she is untouchable in the eyes of karma, which is absolutely ... bullshit. i see her on daily basis receiving the ends of karma whipping her for what she has done. like scolding me with unkind words that made me wanna kill myself for all those years... and i'm seeing her friends scolding her now.. karma is real.

the problem is all these unkind words in us, like myself, don't know they overstayed their welcome. in fact, they rule my mind, because i thought they are true. and now, as an adult almost touching my 40, i only realised what a fucking god shyte about it. and it's already too late to train my mother out from her bad habit. at this age, she still bullies me and my sister, and i hated myself for it. i hated myself to allow her to manipulate over me. why? just because i want to keep the harmony in the family at the expense of myself. in the name of fucking peace.

people who don't experience trauma would not understand the pain, the hatred, i have to deal within myself. the so-called demons. that's why it's so important to be kind to everyone, because you don't know what demon class we are all fighting against every fucking second. before you say 'oh be positive', go think if that would help me tame the demon raging, tearing inside me when all i want is to take the pen to jab my neck.

my mother lives in peace because my sister n i have to take care of her feelings. if her demons go raging, we let it scratch us so my mother stays unharm. do u even understand what they heck am i talking about?

my friends like to say i'm choosy when comes to my love life. really? you and my mother r just the same, because u just want my boyfriend to fit your expectations. no? don't tell me you didn't choose your bf.. if that's the case, i help you arrange ur marriage, ok right? i just pick some homeless person for u. that'd do right? why not?

hurt is hurt. don't be a prick to say use all these criticism to make me stronger. it just fucking hurt. and don't ever shy away from my words that you just like hurting people with your words. and i'm happy to be able to just cut off this friend. hurt is hurt. there's no excuse i'd accept to justify ur discrimination just because 'i look like no focus.' hello. i've more life experiences than u. and i never even commented on ur life... so why r u so busy body?

and now.. i only acknowledge feedback from experts. all those people who r not even in the line of my work should just not open their mouth. i teach u one mindfulness exercise to all those busy body. take one hand, and put over ur mouth. do that a few times, until ur brain go mushy. to be frank, why are we so engulfed by those feedback coming from non-expert? are their feedback helpful? not at all, isn't it? i remember someone told me that my crying act is so dramatic. i was super taken aback to be frank. all i could think was did i over kill it? as time passed, i realised i didn't do wrong. acting is all about in the moment. it's the reaction to the here-and-now. there's no right or wrong. and i'm just reacting to the vibes in the air. thanks to my realisation, i was able to repeat my crying scene easily. i'm now more confident in my acting skills. that's because i stopped listening to non-experts. that really gives me a peace of mind. u should try doing that too. just kondo those people away. they are just a waste of space in ur head.

so back to my mother. in the end, i feel sorry for her who doesn't realise what she is doing now. awareness is so important. by being aware, u can live a more enriching life. she can bully me all she wants, and the feeling of regrets and pain will be excruciating painful during death. yea the enlightenment after death is so painful that u r just so embarrassed or simply cannot brain why u just did that during ur living moments. talk to a mediumship for the live experiences they have. their insight is so valuable.

i have a lot of things to say about my mother. maybe next time.

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The quote that states that we want to be soothed by the people who hurt us rings truth. I'm experiencing it. I notice I express my hurt back at the person who hurt me, because I want him/her to own the events or the hurt that caused me hurt.

I'm not wearing my trauma as a badge of honour, but I can't help telling to others, because I thought by saying it repetitively, it would go away, and it doesn't. The more I say, the more the memory becomes active, and I got loop in a traumatising memory. If possible, I want it to rest for good, because it's tiring for my mind to stay on fight or flight mode all the time. My adrenaline is always high to protect myself even though I'm in a safe moment. It doesn't matter where I am, I have so many thoughts playing some things over and over again, so I can strategise what I can do to protect myself since I was a child. It becomes a habit. If a behavioural is learned, then it can be unlearned too, but it's difficult for me.

I'm trying, but as I read more on psychology stuff, it triggers a lot of things inside me. The more I read, the more I want these undead to stay dead. I don't need them to be awakened every now and then. Maybe I should stop lying to myself that hurt is hurt, and I need to acknowledge the depth of my hurt. I have to acknowledge that staying together with the cause of my hurt is not wise. I may be able to withstand most of the time, but let's get real.

There's a price to pay, which is the wound cannot be heal. I need time to be away from seeing the face that caused me hurt on daily basis.

So what's your plan now, renaye? No idea for now. I have always wanted to stay some time in Japan, to experience life like a local. I'm having headache on the money since everything has gone up. If I'm serious, then I would find a way, right? There's no point of waiting of who dies first now. I still have dreams to achieve. That's more productive than waiting for each other to die first to extinguish this suffering.

I provoked a quarrel with my mother, not because I wanted to create something similar, meaning I'm used to having quarrels in the home, so having peace for a long stretch could create discomfort in me, because that's not what I grew up to. I highlighted that she is not independent in doing things, and she likes to wait for her children or someone to accompany her.

As I get older, I realised I cannot and don't want to tolerate anymore the feelings that emerge when I accompany her to do things. It's not easy you know to fight those demons. Because when I was younger, I'm scared of my mother for beating me up... and now in my adulthood, I don't know what that feeling has morphed into. Maybe it has become some kind of monster inside me that I could no longer recognise anymore. All I want is to get rid of these feelings, which I could not even label other than great discomfort, where I would want to fly at the second I feel it coming.

I was ingrained that I was never good enough. Whatever I do was never good enough for my mother, and even father. There's always an expectation that I could never meet, an appraisal without the fine details to achieve. I was a real blind sailor in the sea, who has been told that the stars in the sky didn't exist. I spent my whole life to chase after some ghost expectations, which I don't even what the fuck is that expectation. Get married? Ok... I see my sister found 3 boyfriends, and they never satisfy my mother at all. The last one was truly sad, because my mother kept calling the guy 'old man.' Poor thing. Another time my friend commented if she was selling off her daughter to the highest bidder, because I labeled her boyfriends by their wealth. It hit me how I was trained to see their wealth instead if they have been kind to my sister. Me? My mother went wailing, and wailing in the car when I was 13 how suffering she was with my father, while reminding us again, and again, like a broken player not to find a guy like him. Because she kept pressing us... for something which I don't remember, like checking on us if we understand what she was talking, I decided there and then that "I promised I'd never married." Do you know that I'm keeping that promise mentally and emotionally until today? That's a very sarcastic way to put the blame on others, but yea, do you know how that feels when you allow yourself hold hostage of yourself because I wanted to make someone happy in that moment, which cost me my whole life of suffering? What does that moment say about us in the car at that time? My mother was truly suffering, and she parentified me and my sister, because it's not our job to listen to parent woes, much less to take care of how she feels from our reactions, because that would limit us to be our true self. What's wrong with that? Imagine you're gifted in cooking, but because your mother doesn't like, she forbid you from doing so. Each time you do, she burns your hand, but the physical scar heals so perfectly fine that people don't believe that you had scars before, but you remember the pain mentally, and emotionally so ... to not have that pain again, you either totally avoid cooking totally or do it quietly behind her back, hoping you don't get punished again. Forget about the movies/drama you watch that there's an acceptance at the end. No, there isn't either from your family or friends.

Because your experience would then teach you that you have to be so strong to support yourself, which is what I'm doing now. I've become so cranky because I have reached my threshold over again and again, despite increasing the level so many times. It's tiring... when can I rest? When I die? This threshold is not about pushing how far I can go to maximise my talents, it's about how much I can tolerate the fight or flight after calculating the cause and effect of my interactions/actions involving my mother. I need to manage myself so I can manage my mother's mood. It's like I'm arranging a playlist in her so she is doped with dopamine. I don't have a break from doing it.

My sister has moved out for the third year. We don't even know where she works and lives. Haha. Not joking. But still, she could not escape from the clutches of my mother. Frequently, my sister has to come home to do her biddings, which is extremely no brainer, like to do bills. If don't do her biddings, my mother would guilt-trip like just now: She wailed how much of life she has sacrificed to take care of us, that we, children, now cannot even help out with such small things. Because she is guilt-tripping me, it opens back the wounds I experienced when I was younger where I was beaten for not meeting an expectation, like for getting 4th in class instead 1st, or being called stupid all the time for not being able to do anything right or good. If you were so smart, then doing things on your own is fine right?

How do you expect a 13 year old child to regulate her emotions when she listens to your suffering about being accused as a cheater, while she has to cope with her own sufferings caused by you and her father, and her life, where on and off she regretted for not committing suicide at 12 for not 'passing' the major exams like how you wanted. She has to bear your shame for going to some infamous school as a consequence.

Looking back at my memories, I had some incidents that cause me goosebumps because if I had indulge in them, I could have excessive daydreaming, or split personality so I could confront daily bully from my mother.

I'm talking about the story of my triggers, and my reactions, but my mother fails to acknowledge that she is the trigger no matter how many years have passed. Because I have to manage myself, I must analyse all factors until sometimes I don't know what is real and true due to the stories I tell myself to soothe myself... The stories that keep me moving forward, to not stop giving up in life. Do you think it's easy to do? These stories keep me alive and safe, and now they are not effective anymore, and I need to change them that's aligned to reality. That's the most painful part. It's not because I cannot part it, it's because I didn't realise I have stood so strong for myself to survive. How the hell did I even survive those violence? I don't remember how to be vulnerable anymore, and that's the number one rule to survive with a violent and manipulative family is to never be vulnerable, because you would be the easy prey to taunt with.

My mother didn't want to see the triggers, and all she is seeing is my reactions. And that pains me a lot, because all I wanted is her accountability that she CAUSED me a lot of pain that I don't know how to manage my pain anymore, like my wall is not high anymore to contain the pain that it keeps overspilling to the greens outside the wall.

Did my trauma and unhealed wounds the cause of my current additional illnesses? I have thyroid issues, which is obviously a trauma illness. Why? Because I cannot express anything emotionally to my parents, because I don't matter. However, they cane express anything on my emotionally and physically. It's a one way street. I suffer a lot from being silenced. What happens if a pot cannot contains the hot gas inside it, and yet I have to contain my emotions despite my body is on fire?

You would never understand the pain I'm having now caused by my mother. This is the variation from my mother's words: You'd never understand the pain caused by your father. Yes, I would never understand that pain, because I'm not his wife. But I'm your daughter who is suffering the consequences of your actions, thoughts, feelings.

You said why I always criticise about you. Isn't this familiar? You always criticise me when I was younger until I dare not share anything with you. Everything I did/said is to protect myself from your wrath and beatings. You keep on reminding me that not serving you would entail bad karma... look who's speaking now? Your friends bully you, scold you, and you dare not answer back? But it's ok to express it on children just so you can feel powerful for some seconds? Who's the real evil here?

All I want is my pain to be acknowledged by her, which I would never had. I don't know how to soothe myself about that. All I can do is to allow myself to cry a river... to cry about the roads not taken. What if I had a marriage? What if I had moved out and cut ties with the family more than a decade ago? What if I had become an escort to support myself at night? What if I had killed myself when I was 24?

Be kind to others because you don't know what they are going through at the moment.

For a fleeting moment, I could feel there are some parts of my experiences can be an inspiration for stories, but I'm not in the mood to tune into it, because I would be then busy thinking how to manage the aftermath of the quarrel. I know she will act like a victim when I tell her she could follow me to my university area for some government matters, which is the content of the quarrel actually.

Don't tell me what I should do, because many of the replies are always telling me what to do, instead of acknowledging the pain and the trauma I have. If like this, then having a shark chasing, and biting you every second should be fine, right? And yea.. you cannot do anything to it, no removal whatsoever. Just let it bite you till you dry, it's alright, isn't it? If not, why not? Shark's bite is not painful, it's just your imagination.

It's the memories of the past or future that give me suffering, it's not the present, but I'm so stuck in these memories because they are the ones who fill in the gap of what happened so I could survive. And now I need to soothe myself, and I don't know how.

Just let your heart run wild sometimes 'coz you have a zoo of emotions.

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I realised i'm going to post another incident coming from the same friend.

my god. the number of friends i'm having is shrinking faster than the iceberg melts.

this time, this friend said something extremely unpleasant in my presence. since the last reflection, i have expressed how unhappy i am with him. and i decided to ease my communication frequency with him as in don't chat unless if it's extremely necessary, which by all means means DON'T ever message him again. however, i don't want to be cruel either for he has helped me a lot in the past, and i would like to keep my words that i'd buy him something for his expired birthday.

so believe me, i have not spoken to him more than 3 times since the last post, because our second last conversation exploded. yes, exploded because he accused me, correctly, that we're not gonna talk again (?). i can't help to reply in my head how correct he was, because his accusation 'what's your problem' troubled me a lot... and i feel talking to him is extremely exhausting. like i said, i don't want to be a jerk who forgets one's help, i explained to him in the same tone he gave me that i'm extremely busy that i don't even have time to grief for my friend's passing and sending condolences to her family, which is a fact... in fact, i was so busy that time he messaged me that i was hardly eating well, causing me to have various health issues from sleeping to digesting, and other serious backlog works concerning my clients... hence i really don't have time to reply to non-essential messages like his. to be accused like that out of the blue is very disturbing to me, as though my trauma wounds have been reopened, and feeling the need to explain everything. but i hold myself back, and reflect on the covert message and reply him on par.

nowadays, i get short circuited pretty quickly; can blame on my sluggish liver, but these responses are mostly calculated, because i'm extremely exhausted how easy these people response whatever they want without thinking of bearing the consequences, or the consequences inflicted onto the receiver. being an impatient person, i could not wait for karma to strike them, so i thought i could help them get a taste of man-made karma first while they wait for some natural karma to come in years la...

ok. cut the suspense. so what did this friend say yesterday at the food fair when i bumped into him? i told him that i'm gonna check out some alternative healing booth, and his response was 'OH YOU WANT TO GET CON IS IT?' i was taken aback... shocked... surprised with that response. where the hell did that come from? that suddenly grounded me to make a deep reflection of the source. what made him said that in the first place? what did he mean by con? did he mean that I CON HIM?

i could not digest until today. it disturbs me gravely. why would he said that? i know i have referred him to some traditional chinese medicine dr for his leg condition, which he had been having for years. and his condition was healed with just one visit to that dr. was that a con job? i didn't get anything in return, you know. the dr didn't give me anything free in return. i referred because the dr's medication has helped me a lot, which is why i share with many others.

he felt con is it because the medication didn't work for his deteriorated eyes? man... just because it work miraculously for the leg for one session, and he expected the same thing would happen for his eyes? rome is not built in a day, and he expected his eyes would revert to a 25 year old over night when he is already hitting 60 in reality? i remember he kept on framing the medication as painkiller for working miraculously, and the dr had to explained repetitively that it doesn't. otherwise, the ministry of health would ban the medicine.

i have taken this dr's medication for more than a year due to the severity of my condition, and the constant stress i'm having that my body don't have time to recuperate. so when he knows i take the medication for so long, he immediately comments "The medication is not working la." At first, he said it very quickly, as though he didn't want me to catch it. Now, recalling and piecing all the memories, i think i really appreciate if he could just tell me straight in the face about what he thinks about my recommendation on all these traditional medicine.

i'm up for discussion on all these natural medicines that we have, because i will have such discussion with my family members once in a while to exchange notes: my family members also visit their own traditional chinese medicine physicians, so we all know quite well about how body works pretty well. and we know what to eat to gain health, but it's just stress is a constant annoyance that obstructs our path in becoming healthy. and our diet... ughh.. lets save it for another time....

but to tell me intersperse about how you feel about this matter annoys me to the max. i also realise i have hit my threshold of patience in listening to non-constructive criticism. i won't hold back my tongue in lashing at people, because many don't have the same experience as me in seeing such physicians when comes to health. my family has been practising healthy eating for more than 20 years. and you want to tell me what to eat?

his words have plunge me into reflections over and over again, and realise he is just a shit head who has no wisdom and exposure when comes to health. my family, despite being ugly, is open to receiving information about health, and we dare to experiment anything that's considered as health product. we use our money and body to try out those health products and services, and you want to tell me what's good and not? now, i only can tolerate people who have experience on par with me. i would then have information to learn from, and exchange with. otherwise, i'm just talking to some shit hole like this friend.

there's a booth that cares for the eyes. being a freeloader myself, i tried that service for free and wow.. my eyes can see clearer after putting on the goggles that massage the eyes. when i told this friend about it, he just flatly replied me 'it won't work for me.' have you even tried? nope he didn't. what shit head for saying no without trying.

actually last night, i should stand up stronger. (maybe that's what I truly wanted). he asked me to counsel his family member, which i did in a limited time... and then after the brief session i had, i then realised i could try doing an activity to portray her situation... so i told him that night the activity that he could try with this family member... so when i was demonstrating on him just for 3 minutes, then he suddenly just withdrew and said 'i know what you're doing', and then sank into passivity. the fuck? seriously, the fuck? i was extremely exhausted last night. i spent 5 hours seeing clients, and then met with you for cuppa coffee to perhaps to discuss how some knowledge i have could help ur family member, and u just withdrew.. become passive, and not mentioning the whole night u keep fucking playing with ur phone without interacting with me much. and i had to talk to ur gf the whole night?

how dare you? i was truly angry at myself for letting a shit hole abused my time like that. i could choose to do reports over spending time with you. because he withdrew in the middle of my demonstration, i lashed out how angry i were... his gf tried to remedy the situation, and i gave her face, because i'm not a shit hole like him. now i see a different side of his gf. but still i cannot forgive him for spending time on his phone instead of interacting with me. and yet, he was the one who asked me to have a drink.

shit hole. shit head. go and shit la in the loo. that's more productive.

here's a strong reminder to myself to constrict my boundary more.. meaning no more sharing of information with others.. this is not the first time i'm into trouble. one more is not my fault at all. some shit hole didn't want to drink water and because so dehydrated that he was admitted to hospital, and blamed my traditional medicine for making him sick. hello... how the hell u not drink water in a freaking humid hot country? who the hell tell u to sip water so little that u fainted?

why r there so many dumbos in my circle?

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i think i lost another friend officially.

thinking back of the conversation we had was really petty, and i'm not sure is it necessary for him to be emotional about it.

as asian and due to my personal upbringing, i'm extremely sensitive to words like 'i miss you' and other emotional words. on the whole, i'm alright because it means i've done something right in the friendship. but to hear it from a friend who already has a girlfriend, i seriously don't welcome it no matter how open the girlfriend is. i draw boundary extremely clear. i don't mind having a meal/coffee with you, but pls don't ever say those words to me.

so when he said that he missed my meowing, i replied 'time for u to get a cat bro.' then two banters, then he replied how cruel i were for not acknowledging his misses. like i said, i'm not used to hearing such words. how should i response in the first place to a guy who has a gf? so in the end i was frank with him that i acknowledged. i'm not sure if i acknowledged too late when he said he was worried about me for not being able to complete my masters on time as i have to have a lot of client contact hours. so when i replied about this is that he didn't need to worry about this because i've this somewhat under control. then

and then the next reply was 'go away... meow....' x2.

and then a few days later, i messaged him asking how he is... he replied in a manner where i felt not welcome to message 'what do u want.' he did entertain a little. and then when i asked how he is.. there's no reply ...

so two days ago i messaged him asking if he's still feeling hurt/raw from my reply, there was no reply until today.

so ok.. i reflected on this since our first reply, and i seriously not sure what went wrong. my reply? his attitude? i seriously got no idea, and i'm tired to think about it because i've been sick for the past 2 months. on almost daily basis, i develop arthritis on different part of the body, and others. i'm in pain all the time and i still have to cope with my studies and client interviews and ensuring i'm not provoking the crazy tigress at home.

i'm super tired. not mentioning, i dislocated my left shoulder, and could not use it for 6 weeks.

and now i've to spend energy in nursing this friend's emotions? he knows very well what i'm going through. but i seriously don't care if he takes this into account.

all i really want to ask him is 'what's ur problem?'

last month, i asked him for his thoughts on our medical dr's professionalism, and he kept barking at me 'what's your problem?' without acknowledging my emotions, and the issue. and gave me unsolicited feedback that i want him to meet my benchmark that i cannot accept his eccentricity. i took that feedback with buckets of salt.

the conclusion of my reflection is that he compared our patient-dr relationship with this eccentric dr. to be honest, ours cannot be compared at all. i visit this dr on monthly basis where he only visited the dr only thrice, and then complaint he is not good at all because that one jab he got cannot cure his eye problem. the dr and i never promised that he would be healed with one jab. my regular visits to this dr became his 'evidence' that the medication i'm getting is not good at all.

about benchmark, it's true that i want this dr to hit some benchmark, because it's customer service. i don't care about the eccentricity if he could attend to my symptoms, but i'm talking here about customer service benchmark. don't ask me to accept him overall because i'm not his friend. all i asked is that this dr don't harass me 20 calls when i didn't make payment on time as promised. at that time, i had severe arthritis on my right hand, only operating with three fingers, and one of them is not a thumb. and my left hand not mobile. and i had to attend to a client during the promised time, and i told him i would be late in making the payment. he didn't need to say 'U PROMISED ME" in the msg over and over again. this was the first time i could not make payment on the spot. it seems he also harassed my other friend like this too, resulting my friend hating to see him again.

oh, mind you that one jab of this dr's medication had helped him walk without experiencing pain anymore in a day.

and yet he kept commenting on my regular visits to support his claim that this dr is not good. and yet i didn't slap him back with any comments. all of us are free to comment what we feel about the medication.

and yet, you want to be sensitive with me for not saying back 'i miss you too'?

what's your problem?

anyways, because i don't want to spend so much energy on him anymore, i just deleted his number.

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