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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR





Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2017:

1. Angelopolis - Danielle Trussoni
2. The Magicians - Lev Grossman
3. The Magic Circle - Jenny Davidson
4. Memories - Lang Leav
Reduction
Thursday, June 4, 2015
This reduction is not about my size it's about my self-worth.

As you all know, I am back to studying a paper on research and methodology as preparation or insight to doing thesis at Masters or PhD level. Because I enrolled in a business school, my topic has to be associated with business theory in which my ex-colleague helped me to design it in a way.

My supervisor never meant to take me in but because he was talked into doing so by this ex-colleague that I felt recently he didn't want to see me nor take the initiative to reply my email.

Yesterday was the deadline for my research proposal. I gave the crappy draft 5 days ago, which I had signposted earlier with a SOS email that I think my research intro and objectives are wrong, so please go through. The reply I got back was 'I don't know what kind of help do you need." After hearing that, I decided not to pursue because I think he meant is 'give me your whole draft so I know what's about.' And so... I have been trying to chase him about the draft... and I mentioned the deadline in the email. And yesterday, he said he got no freaking idea the deadline was yesterday.

I was very unhappy after seeing him. I understand he was giving me constructive feedback, but I was not there to be reduced to tears, to be reduced self-worthless. All those hard work I put in in terms of the sleep reduction and my medical bills are gone to waste when he said my work is crap. Wait, he said "What the hell?!" Yup, that was the expression. I understand I have given him crappy work, but hey, I am here to learn not to be reduced to tears. I can always do that when I see my own bank account.

I am currently learning about value co-creation. What I am seeing here is a co-defective relationship that is heading the path to co-destruction.

Talking to the program director is also something I don't fancy for everyone in my school seems to be cold and emotionless. I don't expect people to be like me: Crazy and funny, but I expected some emotions when come talking to me. Can you imagine my supervisor said "I don't want to know about your personal issues?" when I told him I am anaemic and I get sick often but I am trying my best to complete those assignment.

The whole scene begs the question: Why do I subject myself to such torment? All I want is to learn in the name of knowledge pursuit. Not to be scolded "What the hell?!" at 0730. He complained I dropped by at 0730 always, but it's because he didn't reply my email for appointment. And I am proactive type.

So what do I do next? Do I continue or give up? My background is politics and I am trying to conceptualise a topic with a business theory. And it seems I am not grasping it because I don't feel the connection. Like right now, I don't feel like doing the assignment.

If I gave up, where can I do similar program? None. It's solely offered in my university. I am stuck. I need to reassess my goals.

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Rude, me.
Friday. 5.29.15 9:48 pm
Well, I got scolded by my colleague for being rude. He said "You don't be rude to me!".

Well, I know it was also my fault because I kept intercepting his words. Renaye.. it's your fault... shut up..

But... but... I feel he likes to flex his authority in front of other people. I remember him screaming at me for disappearing while invigilating his exam. He did in front of 12 students.

Exam. Right. I organised 2 major events back to back, and now one week worth of activities and I am the only admin support staff for the event. And yet, I have never 'scream' at people when I was very angry. I held my breathe and thank them for helping me out. Some help is better than no help.

Exam. It's internal. Any screw up... it's ok because such mini event can be controlled easily. The main worry is the examining part.

My event? Across other departments and involve the public.

Anyways, I learn my lesson. With my sharp tongue, I had gravely hurt a friend beyond reconciliation and bring wrath upon myself.

Change, renaye.

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Heartbroken again
Wednesday. 5.20.15 9:19 am
My supervisor scolded me for doing shortcut in determining unit of analysis.

He didn't love me enough to not give up on me.

Wow. This voice is good.

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Thinking thoughts -Heart broken
Sunday. 5.17.15 10:51 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Broken heart on an anniversary
Friday. 5.15.15 2:27 pm
I wrote a long message to my bf and I actually wanted to change my mind on the last liner but I accidentally hit enter on FB. Damn. It must be God's sign.

The last liner: Break up.

It's a coward method but it's the most efficient method for my case.

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Fear and my supervisor
Friday. 5.8.15 11:13 pm
I have a feeling my supervisor is going to tell me that my written literature review is an uninspiring piece designed to be some toilet tissue paper.

I am creeping myself unnecessarily in fear. Yup. What to do. I think I have written it shitty despite putting effort.

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