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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR

Books I have completed reading since January 2017:

1. Angelopolis - Danielle Trussoni
2. The Magicians - Lev Grossman
3. The Magic Circle - Jenny Davidson
4. Memories - Lang Leav
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
The event I have been involved is finally over. Now I can finally focus on regenerating my blood.

Yes, I had blood loss due to the failure of the part I was put to charge, because it didn't happen at all due to time constraint. I put in a lot of effort in planning, and wanted to execute it so badly, and yet my heart was not only broken but almost burst due to the adrenaline rush in troubleshooting the problems throughout my segment.

We were behind time by 2 hours. And the emcee did no kindness in limiting the Q&A session. If not, I will still have time to salvage for my segment.

I hated that moment especially when my judgment was put into a test. I believed I made the right decision swiftly, but I felt helpless when everyone was awaiting my answer in solving each presented problem. I had initially made a decision to proceed with a drawing segment, but feelings told me otherwise. I was lucky to have asked my roomie because she answered me honestly. I canceled it, alas.


And my fellow secretariat members said good job to me. I felt like pulling my hair and say "It's a total failure."

I'm not sure if I wanna be in charge of the discussion group next year, but this experience has certainly built on my experience and portfolio for my ultimate goal.

I will be certainly extremely bitter if I have not told myself: I take it (every problem I encounter in this program and committee) as a challenge.

Phew. Thank god I had ingrained such belief in myself prior to the program.

Maybe I should be a vampire next.

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the red.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I did like what I was told. I wonder if its gonna work.

I don't wanna think about the future.

Just bring it on.

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Panic now!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Ok. I am now in a state of panic.

Two friends of mine quitted as facilitators today when they said they could help me out with my event this Friday.

I could not sleep after getting this news, and it led me to having gastric.

I really wanna cry at this hour. Where the hell can I get replacement? I don't have any backup because my friends are having exam or simply working.

Although the head of secretariat is kind enough to call me to check on me, I still don't feel calm. I hope my announcement on facebook didn't alarm my committee members. I think it did, if not he would not be calling me.

Sigh. Why can't people be more responsible?

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Not too sure who's sorry
Sunday. 5.20.12 10:27 pm
I just lost a dear friend and a scrabble competitor.

I'm not even sure if it's my fault. Oh well, on the surface it is mine. But inquiring the matter deeply, it's hard to say when human heart is involved.

I have a dear friend and brother that I always chat with on Facebook whenever we are both online. And we would often spar on scrabble. And sadly, I always lose to him. HA!

The issue here that saddened me a lot is like I said: I have just lost a dear friend.

My dear friend obliged to his girlfriend request in ceasing all contacts with me. My crime was advertising a one liner sentence that I will be having online karaoke session with this friend. His girlfriend read it and was angry, and simply felt she was pushed to the limit.

He was apologising profusely. I felt sorry for him instead of myself for making such decision.

Sometimes, I wonder why people would have such insecurities. Growing up in a family that limits freedom, I never understand why would a person do such thing. What power or feeling or even status does the person feel for achieving such state? I never understand why would the 'prisoner' gives in.

I value freedom and personal space so much that I won't give it up even at the request of my partner. Instead, I would ask for faith and trust for I'm mature and wise enough to make the best decision. If the person truly wants me to be happy, I would forewarn him to accept my circle of friends and for what I am, unless that two mentioned items can be improved for the better.

Singing karaoke ONLINE and it never happened by the way was enough to make a girl bawl out and ask her boyfriend to remove me on facebook? HAHA.

What a laughing stork. I will take it as compliment that she feels I'm prettier and of better quality than her. What a kid. (Rolling eyes)

Anyways, I wonder how much can a person give in. I wonder what happen if one day the guy is asked "Your girlfriend or your mother?"

I guess I would just have to further expand my circle of friends.

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Home alone
Friday. 5.18.12 10:33 am
Oh no. I totally forgotten I will be home alone on the weekend. I actually love being alone as I will have time for myself. But I don't know why I'm feeling uneasy about being alone tomorrow. The back of my mind has suggested to stay over at my aunt's house. The feeling now is like a warning.

I just hope I won't encounter anything. If I'm stilll feeling uneasy, I will have to either sleep alone bravely or stay over.

Maybe the explanation for this uneasy feeling is because I have not done my report. Oh well, hopefully it is.

Hopefully, it is not someone's fear that I am picking up.

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Monday, May 14, 2012
I had the wildest urge last night that is to drink the bottle of Dettol from my kitchen. I was not in a suicidal mode, but I just feel like doing it. Knowing how crazy I can be in coping with stress, I called a friend to check on me, but no pick up.

The last time I did it was drinking the bottle of sugarcane syrup. Well, that was food and this is not.

And on top of that, I planned if I wanna drink Dettol, then I should also take anti-vomit pill. Despite saying I'm not suicidal, I unknowingly had just plan how to kill myself.

These thoughts have resurfaced again. My friend who rang me up shared that most likely my emotional breakout is attributed to my change of diet. My body might be craving for some minerals.

Whether or not my body is adjusting to its environment, these thoughts were not new.

I need a better way to cope with stress.

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