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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR





Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2016:

1. The magician's land - Lev Grossman
2. The Rest Falls Away - Colleen Gleason
3. Wither - Lauren Destefano
4. Fever - Lauren Destefano
5. Sever - Lauren Destefano
6. High Stakes - Dick Francis
7. Kau kata dadaku adalah sebuah sajak - Finn Anuar
Bicycle swimming
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Here lil' kitty
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Reply my entry if you think I'm pretty. Haha.

I hate today's incident. I was waiting for the public bus below my apartment with my usual look: jeans, tee and sunglasses and space-out-look. And all of a sudden, there were 2 crazy guys in a red Proton Wira car coming out of the low cost house (opposite my apartment) whistling horribly in front of the bus stand. I knew they were whistling at me. Don't forget, I was spacing out not deaf. My face didn't turn to their direction but my eyes did. And then they sped off. They came back in less than 5 minutes and stopped right in front of me. And started their whistling and waving at me. I just stood there akimbo. With no change of expression, they went hee-haa and turned into the low cost house. While they were doing that, I didn't know there was this Malay woman who was sitting on the pavement squinting her eyes on me. Detecting the sharp glance, I looked down at her direction and stared hard. Luckily, she quickly looked away because I was about to tell her "mei tai ko leng lui ah' (haven't seen a pretty lass before? in Cantonese). Not surprising, those wolves were Malay guys. Afraid that the guys will come back for me, I entered my apartment compound and waited for the bus. Thankfully the bus came a minute later.

Frankly, this kind of thing comes with the package of having a pretty face. But you know what, I don't even get any attention if I go out with one of my Japanese friends. All guys' eyes on the street will be magnet to her!! Didn't lie because I purposely walked behind her when I noticed all guys were looking at her when I was walking with her. Hmph.

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You are alone
Friday, September 4, 2009
You know when people tell you that you are not alone because they will be there for you is something I don't believe in. I will just say thanks because I know it doesn't really work. Because at the end of the day, no matter how much the person can support you, you will be alone.

I remember one of my darkest moments in 2006. My friends keep on saying 'Let's fight together' to me just to make me feel better, but I know that their fight is so different than mine. It is something people don't really understand. What is there for a cheery girl like me need to fight? Why not give her some ward-off-evil charm? Somehow those encouragement made me feel more hollow than before. I prefer silence encouragement. That is why I'm very careful with my words when encouraging friends. I never used words like 'let's fight together' or 'you can do this' instead I try my best to use words that leads to empowerment or realisation on their own. Sometimes I would just keep quiet and minimised my words because presence is much more solid than wordings. And sometimes because no words can reach to that person even though you understand what the person is going through. No matter how much you tell the person you understand, the person will keep on replying 'No you dont' because you don't since sufferings can be similar but it's never the same.

That is why I never understand what is the point of visiting a psychiatrist. Why pay to talk?! Talk on Oprah Winfrey show then!

Where I am now comes from the support of my own mental an spiritually. My family has got nothing to do with this.

So in the end, no matter what I do, I will still have myself for support. So love yourself.

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Don't frighten me!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
That was what my student said in my room yesterday.

It was 4-ish and there was a student in my room asking me to help her to fax something. And I did. I came back to my room with her checking on the letter content while I was looking at the screen monitoring Jolenesiah washing my restaurant's toilet in my virtual restaurant on Facebook. And suddenly I saw something in white turning around beside the student.

It was obvious.

And then I looked up to that direction and got myself excited and exclaimed "Wow. Did you see that?!" to her. She went blank and repeatedly telling me not to scare her since now is Hungry Ghost Festival. But it was too obvious not too notice!!

As if someone was standing beside her and suddenly the person decided to make a sharp turn enabling me only to catch the turn of the 'sleeve'.

I tortured her by saying "Did you not see?! It was so obvious... It was beside you!!"

Haha. I don't remember her reaction. Oh well, luckily it happened in office not at home when I'm alone. At least there are heaps of people beside me, so I'm not afraid.


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I'll be there for u
Sunday, August 30, 2009
One of the things you need when you are older is friends. Without friends when you are of age, you will be more depressed because of loneliness. This is what I read in the newspaper. Friends are important in giving you social and emotional support when we are getting older. So it is important to always make new friends because we will be more depressed to see the numbers of our friends diminished as time passes.

Tomorrow is my granduncle's 80th birthday but we celebrated today since tomorrow is Malaysia's national day. I was observing how close knit he is with his 'kaki mahjong' [mahjong buddies]. Even his birthday cake has mahjong tiles with messages. And his ang pau [red packet] for us is lottery number. [My god.] Yes, he loves gambling and he is pretty pro since he always strike lottery which is enough for him and his wife to go on holidays.

Tonight's celebration made me think what will my 80th celebration be. Or would I even live that long. Even if I do not, will I have friends who will be there for me when I grow older? Will I have friends that share the same interest as me? Most importantly how will my life be by that age?

I have been chatting with my former colleage and he has been telling me that he has catching up with his schoolmates who he has lost touch for over 40 years! Thanks to facebook. But I really hope I could catch up with my collegemates as soon as possible. It would be interesting to know what they are doing now.

I really hope I would have lasting friendship until the day I die. But people change. I hope for the better.

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I want nobody nobody but Renaye
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I had a crazy week and next week is even crazier. I forgot to have lunch and buy bus ticket for next month. And my boss is not answering my emails.

I spent my whole day today visiting a friend to giver her religion support. And she took me to eat food in her housing area, Pudu, which is famous for good food. I managed to try the fried chicken which has been featured in 3 local food programmes. The chicken tasted good, better than KFC, and even better because it's cheap and comes with bigger size.

I also managed to dwell in a distant memory: paper lanterns. In this modern era, kids either don't play lanterns or known as tang lung in Cantonese or their tang lung comes with battery. No more the tang lung that makes of colourful plastic and using candle to light it. Yes, my tanglung always got burnt. No more of those days....


colourful tanglungs
above the owner -
look so lonely

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