When I am with make-up, I look younger than my age. And I had a guy hitting on me during a photo-shoot I volunteered. He somewhat flipped when I told him I am 10 years older than him.

Not the first time and may not be the last time.

Aww...

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It's funny how I have been having vivid dreams recently.

The first one I remember was with a Hong Kong celebrity, AL, and we were acting together. I think my role was a princess. HAHA. That seemed to be quite fun. After the acting I found a lot of coins on the ground until my hands were not able to contain all.

Second was about a friend who gone off in the head since my birthday in 2017. He gave me an ultimatum to either spend my days in Singapore with him or my friends if I want him to sponsor my trip. I gave him back the ultimatum to end our friendship. All I wanted was just to meet my friends in Singapore for over a meal and I got threatened. I don't deserve this. Worse of all was those people I wanted to meet were our mutual friends. Psycho. And I don't belong to anyone. And I don't know why I dreamed of him out of all people.

This morning I dreamed of a friend whom I have not met for a long time. I was pretty shocked because he no longer reply my messages on FB and the only thing I remember of him is an awkward law guy. In the dream, it seemed he had been waiting for me for 4 years. He was asking me when we are gonna be official and I totally jumped up. When did that even happened?! I kept trying to recall if we ever went on a date to test water... No we didn't? I asked for some clues and he told me it was back to a conversation about 24 inch? (What was that actually?!) I sort of kinda remember the conversation and I replied it was a joke! But he took it seriously that I wanted us to be couple. On top of that he waited for 4 years?! I emphasised it was a joke he didn't take it really very well and he didn't want to talk to me again even I tried consoling him. Of course, 4 years is very long... I don't know whose fault this is.

Continuation from the above dream... I dreamed of another acquaintance who I have been dreaming the most frequently. I got no freaking idea why. I don't think he was dreaming of me too since I am always able to sleep once touch the pillow...
I don't think the saying: You are not able to sleep because someone is dreaming of you is quite true here. Hmm... I won't able to ask him also if he dreams of me too because he doesn't talk to me anymore, I think. I don't know why people don't talk to me anymore and I am pretty tired to think about it either. Anyways, I don't know why he was playing a tour guide to a bunch of aunties in my dream on an estate that has a pool. I was there like a summer girl walking around taking in the environment of the estate but nothing impressive but he was smiling broadly to the aunties... This time we didn't interact. I think the reason why I dreamed of him this morning because I congratulated him on his winning. If only my manifestation is as efficient as this too...

So what other dreams I am gonna have? Bring it on!

Wait... How can I even forget the most interesting dream???!!

On one afternoon nap, I dreamed of two male Gods fighting over me. Yup. You read that right. I also don't know why a small bit of Singapore was washed away with me too. So we ended up like by the coastal. So... there were two handsome Gods of my liking. One with long black hair and their short silver hair. Woo... just imagine those anime characters... So... it seems the black hair was the one who saved me. I was in like a double storey house. I am always sleeping (it's actually sleep paralysis - yes I have paralysis within a dream) so this black hair God likes to watch me sleep by sleeping next to me... I think he was hoping I would kiss him accidentally. However, he is always away so in this absence... I will go over to the house that is quite across from mine which is directly in front of the sea... This silver hair God is my friend, that's what I felt. I see him as my friend but he was aggressive so he just pulled me into his embrace and I was lost like a sheep. I think the black hair one found out so he... flooded my area and... he made a partition between my area and that silver hair's house. My mother was the one who notified me about the partition because she could not go over. I remembered running and crying until I reached the beach side. My hand tried to push through the in the air but could not. I remembered pounding on that invisible wall and crying out loud that he cannot do this to me... he cannot stop me from meeting my friend. And I think the partition came down one day because I was in that silver's hair one... kissing and the busted by the black hair. And then...

Anyways, the ending is I have two kids with the spitting image of their father: one black hair and the other silver hair. So it's a happy ending.

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I had a very nice dream a few weeks ago.

I dreamed that this friend of mine and myself had like a road trip which we have not had for a very long long time. We were giggling and talked a lot of things... until I tried remembering what happened to us. And then I recalled those painful sentences said by her...

But still that dream was pleasant. Just the two of us being happy like how we used to.

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I realised I am pretty tired. I think all I want for now is to go somewhere just to sleep.

Ok. I am escaping from another thing that is really bothering me: My mother does not like to hear her own mistakes. I somehow feel very pitiful for her. Whatever monster that my sister has become is actually also part of my mother's doing, and she didn't want to hear anything about it when I was telling her the bit that got my sister threaded on this path to becoming evil. Yea... I have never seen anyone so religious in real life that can be so evil and cruel which I used them loosely for being upright selfish.

And you know what is the story that is playing in my head right now? I was the daughter that my mother never liked. And of course my mother won't admit it and now she won't dare to think this since I am now the one that's helping her around in the house. And all she could do now is to complain every thing about my sister.

My sister has become a horrid person. I am serious. It's not I like to talk about my family's dirty laundry but if it is not would I even say it? If the person is real good, we would all just be praising unless we are jealous or something like that right?

I have been told all my life by these family members that I am selfish and bla bla bla. But right now that has reversed to my sister. A psychic has told me that my sister has moved on from this family. I can see that. I can see that my sister might have pinned our mother for destroying her love life or whatever reasons known to her. I have seen how she looked at our mother. The utter dislike in her eyes....

And now really like mother and daughter... they both like playing victims. And me here trying to summon all the energy that I have to do the things I want with my precious life.

But still I cannot rid of the feelings that all I want now is just to sleep... find a nice place to sleep and just sleep for days without seeing any of this shithole people. So what is stopping me? The place that I really want to sleep in is my own room called home. Not hotel but my own room in my own home.

I just want to be at home with only myself... That is the hardest thing to do.

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AHHH... my favourite Japanese looking actor (Yamapi) acted in a China movie called Reborn. This is his first time playing a bad guy. Not bad. He got that look but it's unfortunate that the story line kinda sucks and his role is quite short... so nothing much to shout out other than he played a cool evil guy whose main motive is not really known. I mean it is known in the movie but why does he want to erode Euro dollar to begin with? Maybe this area should be built up instead of focusing too much on the main characters. No... I am saying this not because I want to see more of Yamapi ... it's just I don't like movies with so many gap holes.

I can also hear my head screaming in my head. That's cause some parts of the movie took place in my city!!! And I didn't know!!! Ahhh... I didn't even get to catch a glimpse of him here!!! OMG.... I feel sorry for the actress who played Yamapi's PA/bodyguard. I believe women should not be used as accessory in any way and I really hope the scriptwriter can can not make women seen as weak. Cat fight is fine but please don't make the girls look weak. We are not and girls who work as bodyguard are tough, so please make them look tough instead. That would be a better quality of cat fight.

Anyways... Yamapi was here and gone. I really don't have luck in meeting him. What a life.

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I am being so emotional now.

Well that mainly stems from a huge amount of money got burnt for my own carelessness but the provider didn't have to be such a cold person too. Anyways, I will leave that for another day.

There was a post I wanted to write during Chinese New Year (CNY) but I never got the chance because my chain of thought just got cut and suddenly I was lost for words.

Maybe I had typed something simpler like my sister is moving out. She has been saying that since CNY but don't see any action. When I came back and saw she was tidying up the sofa, I somewhat knew she is gonna leave perhaps in July? I am suddenly emo perhaps because I don't know how to cope with an absence of a person whom you have seen and know they are there in your space and suddenly just gone. The way she has been praying recently is really weird and my feelings is telling me she is praying so she has the bravery to walk out of this home and never come back.

Will I be the only child in this family then? Years ago I never dreamt that this would be happening for I thought it would be me moving out for good and never turn back. Who has thought it would be my sister who was a filial daughter to my parents? Who was obedient and prioritised family that would be doing this?

I never know her side of the story but from my observation my parents kinda spoilt her and then in return my sister would say it was my mother who spoilt me. I think my mother was playing us both, that's all, you know like how you gamble? Put here and there some and see which one gives better returns.

My sister acted like she hates me a lot. She used to ban my whatsapp and answered rudely or cut me off before on the phone. I don't really care actually because I am tired.

And suddenly to know the only person to support two elderly in the home on my own suddenly makes me overthinking about my life. I just feel I don't want to continue living anymore. I don't know how to cope. My sister will definitely be keeping in touch with father since he had given her a sum of money to buy a car. But I don't think she would do so with Mother though.

I suddenly feel tired. Tired of being me. How can we have a break from our own identity?

I suddenly just don't want to be alone in this house. Will I be the only child in this house? What does that mean now?

I am tired and I wanna pause myself from trying to define what am I in this house that is if only I can pause a fragment of time. If I can pause time and still move I would gladly do it so I will have infinity time to rest without worrying the clock ticking.

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