so for the past few weeks, i have been eaten alive by a miserable event where i already knew the ending even before this friend came up to me.

i had a miserable moment of having my mind flattening me over and over again on my compassion. sometimes i even think if i even have compassion, because the way my friends commenting on me, it sounded like i have bulldozed them multiple times without giving them the space to resurrect.

and that's what happened coming 3 weeks ago.

i asked a closed friend for help. i never expected him to help because i already know his reply. it would be 'haha'. like i predicted he just laughed it off, but it really annoyed me. so i asked is it funny? he kept quiet. and then i asked if he could refer me to a friend his age for me to interview for an assignment. i was purely trying my luck.

he replied "you always ask me for help. go ask someone else.'

i replied 'i thought u r my friend.'

he said 'i helped u a lot. and u disturbed my sleep. what la.'

and then i said ok.

what did that sentence mean? 'i helped u a lot.'

i helped u too u know. i helped u find a fortune teller. calling all my spiritual friends for a contact. calling my single friends to check if they r interested to know this single male friend of mine.

i really, really don't want to hear that sentence 'i helped u a lot' because it freaking hurts. because i helped u also.

i could not sleep that morning. oh well, i message him at 0100. but he got a choice to reply or not. is it my fault?

anyways, since then i just leave it because i'm hurt by that sentence. i felt i have been stomped all over.

so a week later, he messaged me checking out if i am still angry with him. i said i m angry at how he declined to help.

i thought he wanted to apologise. i can just throw that thought into niagara falls. he again saying 'it was my fault.' again, saying 'i helped u a lot. and u disturbed my sleep preparation and u always wants answer immediately.'

i grew hotter minus the lava spillage.

if want to apologise, just fucking say sorry and not pushing the fucking ego onto me. i didn't apologise either.

even though i said he can buy me ice cream as apology. but after reading that sentence, i don't feel like eating his ice cream even though i love free food.

i won't find it sweet in my mouth, just some bitter dispute coughing from my heart into my tongue. what's the point?



the next one is a commissioned transcriber. it was horrible. they used a voice detector to do the transcribe and they didn't check if the words correspond with the audio. i spent two days in correcting the transcript. wasting two days of completing the assignment instead.

i hated myself for being kind. i never so wanted to be alive at this moment. some more im under the pressure of completing 4 assignments by mid march. i hated myself for being a slow writer. i hated myself for keeping myself in a non-productive meeting. really hate to be unkind myself as well.

i never so wanted to be alive in this moment.

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I took a creative writing crash workshop because I could not learn it on my own. I just don't have the discipline drive to push myself. I have this tendency of slacking at the beginning of my commitment when I notice some improvement. This is pretty obvious in my exercise regime. So that's why I prefer to enroll in courses so I won't slack especially I have to submit assignment.

But my greatest enemy is not the discipline but my writing speed. I have problems in distilling my thoughts into words and the coherence of sentences. People flew 1000 words in an hour. I could just type 100 words in the same timing. Gosh. A hamster could cycle way faster than me. I kinda hate myself for this. I can try free writing but still I overthink!

So even though I have learnt the skills to write short stories and novels, I still struggle in writing faster. Perhaps, I should really have a writing buddy to push me writing everyday. My instructor is a time terrorist. She would set 15 minutes for us to write 400 words for every exercise she had during class. Of course I completed; don't need to ask a 'kiasu' person like myself. But the quality is doubtful.

So now I have graduated, I thought of resting on my laurels, but one of my coursemates emphasised that I have to keep writing to prevent the knowledge from leaving me. I played her words in my head while walking around my home area for 15 minutes, and ... she really made sense. The reason I took up the course because I wanted to produce something, be it scriptwriting or novel, but something creative using words. And I even considered of having creative writing skills to earn extra money. So if I don't sharpen my skills now, then when? I need to be prepared so if there is such creative writing opportunity arise, I would be ready to undertake, isn't it?

So the past 3 days I wrote my second short story. It took a lot of push to write it, because I am a damn perfectionist (FYI: I have discounted it by 40%), and what I write have to be perfect in one stroke, but there is no such perfection! If there is, all editors would be dead by now! Like some authors said before: We can't edit a blank page. So I need to at least unload some thing. So I did. I have written 1700 words and it's just a draft. A lot of blandness in the pages and I am gonna let them simmer for sometime before I edit since the draft is not even completely dressed.

OMG. This brought back nightmare of my first short story ass for my workshop. I actually don't know why the instructor actually made us write 5k assignment. It's actually extremely horrifying for a first-timer to vomit that much of words. Writing 1k words for story is a struggle to me, let alone 5k. So I spent 1 week to finish a story. And then edited 7 times. And then coursemates and instructors said it still need editing! Kya~~~

The 5k ass had to incorporate all the lessons I learnt. Luckily there's a cheat sheet in planning the story so I have a backbone. Despite that, the backbone changed as I was transferring the story from my head to Google doc. Like now la, while writing my second story, the gut is telling me to write in the second character's POV. OMG. I am lazy la. Can we skip that? If I am ambitious, I will combine 2 POVs in the story. The heck. That would be another 5k story.

If I could be a 5k word machine, it's good because I can be a novel marathon runner, except it's not good if I want to publish it. Many short story publications have word limit of like 2k? Why want to spend extra energy to write 5 k when I have to chop 3k? There's also wisdom in my instructor's words that I need to get the story off my brain. Otherwise, I would be irritated like an unsatisfying customer for not getting what she wants.

So my second short story is still short of emotions stuff, and a lot of literary devices. Ok. My head now hurts of thinking of the techniques in weaving the literary devices in order to push the story. So maybe I need to revise the story goal to be short and sweet.

I think I am just a long-winded hag in short. HAHA.

I really admire all those writers out there whom I have read their short stories especially those award winning. Where do those ideas come from? I read an editor's foreword that if the writer can write good it means she/he understands why he/she writes. Err... then why do I write?

I have read so many ingenuous short stories that I feel like typing out their stories so there is a transference of creative writing skills. Wishbones won't be able to grant this in this lifetime la I guess.

Well, Rome is not built in a day so is my skills. My life experience is already a wealth of story inspiration. I just need to be patient in developing the voice to transfer my ideas into words.

ganbatte ne!

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I was going through my old posts to see what noise I made. =)

I don't even remember those entries when I reread. I even asked myself many times if I even dreamed them! Haha.

I wrote a post about the correlation about the song below and a former friend. I now can pollute the air with my singing with profound enjoyment that I first grew when I first head this song almost 10 years ago.



Don't know why lately I remembered him. And yea, when I went to my linkedin, his last message popup. It was our last correspondence. I saw his face and saw he had switched to a better job. Good for him. Better status for him too. I am happy for him and hope he found what he wanted in a life partner.

For myself, I have found an imaginary one. =) I am not sure if I will be satisfied but I am for now because I can live on my own. Not even thinking of torturing a cat because of my loneliness. If the cat could be my servant in doing housework, I would be glad to have one. For now, a maid for my happiness is not needed. HAHA.

Oh, that guy still owe money!

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Well, you see, all of us don't want to be told off, scolded especially for the things we didn't say. But I can really tell you that we are in the world full of selfish people.

They will say unedited things to you without thinking of your feelings and they require you to not feel hurt by their words simply because it's not important at all to them but not to you.

While those words spear your heart like bullseye. When you bite them back, they will reply in hurtful manner when you are just reacting to the pain. Who does not scream when they are in pain? Have you ever seen a sane person smiling from teeth to teeth while somebody is sawing their leg?

That's what the world wants everyone to do that. Smile like you are enjoying being chewed alive. If you bite back like a zombie, you will be seen as a fuckup.

Really you know.

I got roasted in a huge FB group before. So I know. Roasted by intellectuals such as entrepreneurs, businessmen, educated students but one word to describe them: stupid.

So just now I got marinated with vinegar by a heartbroken friend for just sharing a Chinese reality show. Unfortunately, I reminded him of his ex because she likes watching reality show. Err. I didn't know? So I was just sharing with him the participating actors were from HK and that was why I was watching. I want to see them react the scenes live. I explained to him what I like and dislike about the actors. To me, I was giving spoilers. But to him, I was imposing on him. Err. I seriously didn't know. I actually only knew he was heartbroken like last month. I even tried calling him abroad to check on him. I was talking about the actors' acting skill in the program not the freaking reality program. Oh well, maybe it sounded the same to him. Ok, my bad. I will enact his policy then: silence.

He told me off to stop. And then I bit back 0.1/100% energy. Like people say, people will always remember the bad thing you did to them, the 99 good deeds u do are invisible.

I am a nice person and I like to share things. What's the point of hoarding information. I don't know what I will do with the information for the living in the afterlife, so why not use it first?

I have told myself that I should not share so much. To be frank I have already withheld a lot of information with others. And today, maybe I over-spoke? I didn't know telling others about how our body don't really digest corn syrup is a bad thing. Oops. So no one commented on that, at all.

You know what? I have started consoling myself that I will watch you die because I don't want to share with you in order to maintain a peaceful and harmonious friendship with you.

Sounds very reasonable.

Right. Maybe the next project will be social distancing from society into nobody.

I was playing with words in my head. So I come up with this: I have friends everywhere but none are my friends.

Why do we roast others in the first place and then we play hurt victims when the real victims fight back? Try observing the world even your own actions. I am seeing this almost on a daily basis.

There are so many victim impostors now that everyone thinks he/she is a victim.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Many things can happen in a year. And some things are even beyond my imagination. I remember how much I was looking forward to next year's bonus and increment but I didn't have to any more. The rest I wanted to badly since the lockdown didn't come true when I shower myself with several online courses that I can feel my body screaming of exhaustion. I am so due for a rest spiritually. I don't think many people don't understand that. I really feel like doing nothing everyday. Just do things in the moment not plan for the next minute and then curse myself stupid for not achieving the things-to-do list. It's very tiring. People marvel at my list of friends but I can also tell you how marveled I am when so many just cease talking to me one day. I do that to others too when they said things I dislike.

"I didn't know you are busy sleeping around." Just because you bought me an isotonic drink, I don't belong to you.

"Sorry to tell you you just miss the boat." I didn't know there is an age limit to dreaming. I really hope that's not the excuse to make me give up so you can court me. You just didn't know how disappointed I were when I heard this sentence coming from your mouth. "Oh you know I am a good kisser." No use when your heart stinks.

"I love you." No, grandpa, no. Are you even a rich grandpa? "It takes time to grow love." No no no. I am not interested in grandpa with a baby.

"You only use your friends." I do. If you even read what takes to be friends, it's about you-use-me-i-use-you currency. Of course, it's not as crude as how I put it. I am just saying frankly. We usually say 'help' instead. Anyways, you don't even help others who are as suicidal as you or others who are already ahead of you. Being silence on people's cry is not a way to help.

"You are not sexy enough... dress like her la. Then you can get any guys." Yea, I know it's normal animal instinct but then my eyes and ears are polluted enough with this kind of shit. That's why pets are better than humans. They don't judge. You give them food and cuddles, they are your slaves or gods for ever.

I am enough. I have to learn to let go of all the friends that hurt me. I have to let them go so I can find happiness in myself. I don't need to know why they hurt me. It's not necessary for me to know. They are answerable to themselves.

I am tired with some social interactions.

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