Hmm... Let's do a haibun based on one of my memories regarding today starting with ...

2011...

It was one of the coldest nights I have had endured in my whole life. I thought the wet winter in New Zealand is already extremely cold but here... on the ship is deadlier with the ship moving at full force. I tried wrapping my knees with my arms but I was so cold that I should have just brought along my beanie but I decided not to because I wanna spend more time with a friend.

beanie
I wanna take you
but I chose him instead

We sat on a bench and ... I had so many things to share from my heart but the wind was not interested to listen nor carry the message. I looked at my friend from behind and knew whatever my heart has to say would never left the heart...

full moon
the only listener
of my racing heartbeat

So we looked up the sky and enjoy the full moon peeking on us from behind a huge black cloud. I leaned on the wall and continued to look at his back and had the urge to bundle him because he looks so lonely... and small. His back reminded me a lot of a lyric I wrote some time ago. It totally described the whole situation we were in ...

full moon
in the mist
- rubbing shoulder to shoulder

My heart continued to race because I wanna pick up our conversation where we had left before our good ol' friend joined us with his instant noodle cup. I wanna hear what you have to say!

love at first sight
you say
i blushed

I looked at the moon again and asked myself if I wanna leave my confession as it is... Will I regret later?

Full moon
do you ever
regret rising?

Suddenly the skies were filled with shooting stars! Like every girl, I tried making a wish and... what a failure... I could not finish my sentence with three passing shooting stars... no wonder there are always millions so you can finish your sentence!

Shooting star!
May you rain forever!
so my wish never runs dry!

Shooting star!
Don't run!
Don't let this moment fly away!

If only we could sit side by side very much longer! But the cold was just too unkind to us... so we decided to seek warmth...

Warm, cold, only love has such extreme temperatures...

This memory was still so clear even though a year has passed ...

and in 2012 ...

I wrote him a haiku to commemorate that day and I don't remember what I have written. I have actually been keeping that haiku in my head since April. It's amazing how easily I have forgotten it now.

April to December
waiting
for 14 December

And as usual, my messages went unanswered. I wonder deeply what he thinks of a girl that writes poetry for him. Or rather am I being plain stupid for putting so much effort in keeping in touch with a friend who makes less effort?

Full moon
still behind the clouds
laughing at my innocence?

But December was also an important month for me because I asked myself how long do I want keep moving on like a zombie... Why bother a guy who stays silent on this matter for almost a year? Or is it my email is not succinctly enough about this matter? Or is he just laughing at me and our friendship?

full moon
my only witness
to my tears ...

Anyways forwarding to 2013...

My heart started to wane because I really have to move on. Moreover, my tiredness has been increasing over the past year. My health is too fragile to handle this heartbreak. And so I distracted myself with work ...

Full moon
replaced by sun rays
- new goals

My feelings for him started to ease and then I have totally forgotten about him until one day... the intense feelings I used to have for him came back to haunt me. I thought I have finally released him from my heart but it didn't. It was just half past six. The feelings were still wrapping around my heart like a vine but a forgotten one... It was a ticking bomb actually.

yesterday memories
came back
without invitation

The feelings drove me insane... and I did the impossible: burning the ties between me and him. I never thought I would come down to this stage whence I have considered doing this seriously in 2012 because I could feel him all the time despite being separated geographically. You found me because of the bridge you have established with me aeons, but this is also the very bridge I must burn to stay sane. I chose sanity over you.

sanity or love?
the world
of insanity ...

I met your guardian angel or your old soul who lent a helping hand. He forewarned if I were to burn the bridge you won't be able to find me again in the future. I could feel the fear surging in him as we speak... and so we made an agreement that I will only burn the bridges not the mouth. Why did I even seek help from your guardian? It is because I could not burn your bridge to mine. I have dissolved the bridge from my end to yours but yours to mine kept coming back after imaging pouring acid onto your bridge. It won't go away!

Burning bridge
You walked
And survived...

With your guardian's help, I was able to dissolve it for good and he has given me a message and the reason of your existence in my life. I also told him that our connection is strong enough for him to locate me without having the bridge. He has to trust himself... The guardian smiled and disappeared...

Connected
Between you and me
A bridge made aeons ago...

I told myself that no matter I will always love him and whatever I have gone through because of him happened for a reason. For that, I thank you even though it was not a reciprocal love. I will move on...

Love
Saved for
The past

For now, I will still remember the events behind 14 December, perhaps not for long... I will open my heart to love someone else too other than you...

Full moon, full moon
Come out
And play with me!

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Today supposed to be an auspicious day and suppose to do something interesting, but I cringed in pain. As usual la being a female.

Sigh.

So... I ended up just watching anime to tear myself away from the pain...

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What the hell?

My college mate posted a picture of his new baby with his wife in the labouring room. Instead of admiring how cute the baby boy is, I was glued to the wife who was lying down.

My god. She has time to put eyeliner before going into the delivery room?!

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I just finished reading a journal article and it somehow sent me chills. It simply echoes what David Suzuki, a well-known environmentalist, said recently humans are just part of the experiment.

Yea, the experiment. What if this experiment is to see who becomes successful and who is not? If you didn't become rich and powerful, the mastermind won't see your worth? What if the game to become successful and rich by a certain benchmark is to see whether you are worth to be a member of an elite society?

I was in a bookstore recently... and a psychology book caught my attention. It read loudly "How to be happy?". And the journal article...

If we are really part of an experiment, then it has created jobs like psychologist and many more.

I suddenly feel the direction of our world is heading to is very bleak....

We may say destiny is up to me design.. but what if our future is already written somewhere. Otherwise, how did the Naadi reading can tell one's future from family to career???

What did the reaper say in the last wrapping sentence in the Book Thief?

"Humans haunt me."

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Well, oh well, why didn't I read the Dead Poets Society book sooner?

I should have borrowed that movie when I had the chance in college. It's a very good material. No wonder my friends were raving about it.

It makes you think of life and education on the whole. I finished reading it at 8 am today and it left me pondering in the train carriage.

The lesson in the story still applies today: Shouldn't education make us think? There are already experts in this world highlighting that our current education is very outdated. It no longer accommodate current generation of mindset. Knowing this and yet we are not doing anything to change the system. Why oh why?

Do we still need slave thinkers now? And why? When will parents release their insecurity amongst kids that they have to score in their exams to be the society's creme de la creme? Why are we still pursuing something so superficial? Is it important?

I remember how my mother screamed at me when I was not paying attention to studies when I was just 5. She said "At this rate, you are going to be a whore" over and over throughout my primary age. Lesson here is never underestimate a young child that he/she doesn't understand your words. Children do especially in this era. Poor mother who put in so much to eradicate the creativity in me. I pity my sister who listens to my parents so well that I find it hard to ascertain which is her true self until today?

When disaster happens in one life, what would you do? In the story, the parents and the school blamed on the teacher for creating a thinker. But the truth is humans are coward. We prefer to lie to ourself so we could continue floating in our comfort zone until we cradle in the earth.

Top schools produced top students. Correct. I think this is better: Top schools produced creme de la creme slaves! There are a bunch of people who are so obsessed with the three ingredients that what drove this world inhumane... do not need thinkers. And if you are one, can it feed you? Sorry mate, we are running out jungles.... Oh I wonder how's the society in The Village doing now... right... they are in a reserve. So they are save, but are we?

With the pace we are on now on humanity, I believe there is going to be a major crash and clash in our world and I don't want to know what and how it will happen.... If the world is gonna be like Startrek and a handsome guy gonna say macho-ly like "I am Khan" I don't mind, but I will be damning myself for I will be too old for that hunk. Ok. Collagen, here I come.

This book to me re-advocates creativity in us. I shall try reading the original version.

Blame Him!
Not me
for her broken heart...

Hey, there's a poet in me! Actually, I love reading poem when I was back in primary. I wonder why... but I was drawn to it and I usually won in poetry recital in school. But for once I have never written one!

And so... I will try writing my own poem. But wait, I shall try reading poems first...

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A friend of mine has been victimised by the Yolanda typhoon. She lost her mother to the event and now recuperating in a nearby city.

My friends and I were happy and thankful that she survived. We all have collectively donated money to assist in rebuilding her life.

I only found out about her disappearance when my friend expressed his concern one night. And the next day many friends posted picture of her with the usual 'have you seen her?'

That night I suddenly tapped into her and saw images of her floating by her house roof. I didn't feel any heart beat from her, and I fear for the worse. I was not very sure to believe my visions, but I sent out my invocations to the universe to save and protect her. She had a 50-50 chance of living, and I could not share this fear with my friends. What good will it do?

And I'm glad she is now alive though now she is grieving for her mother.

I never intended to ask about where was she during the event, but a mutual friend informed me that she washed away, which sent a chill to my spine.

All I could do is to send her distant healing...

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