I never expected to go ballistic in the car with an acquaintance last night.

Seriously. I usually don't go screaming in the car like a possessed female. I was shocked myself. Hell, ya.

Look. It was actually a small matter. My friends and I were at the cinema watching Ocean's 8. My friend who was sitting beside me kept talking to me in between of the movie which I was actually not really fine because I prefer silence but there was one moment I think he was too noisy so I just hushed him.

And the cold shoulder began.

While on the way to drop an acquaintance home, I was told off his rules of watching movie. I think it was more of his rules which I need to obey if I ever watch movie with him again. His style is to discuss while watching the movie if not don't watch with him. He also stressed that was what friends do while watching movies. If I don't want to talk, then I should just sit somewhere in the cinema except beside him that night. Well, I think I remembered that correctly.

Well, I could detect the cold shoulder right after the movie ended because he was only talking to the other friend and totally ignoring me. In the car, he was talking to that friend only while ignoring me.

What was running in my head at that whole time? Should I really not hush him at that time? What was the right thing to do? Let him go on and I should reply him accordingly. I don't know. Hushing was just a natural thing I did. It was intuitive.

I actually held back my tears and humiliation when he told me off in the car. At that moment, I really wanted him to drop me so I could go home with public transportation but I continue to stay in the car because it was midnight and I don't think I could get Uber.

After we dropped off the friend, I think he kept on talking and I was... you know what this guy was droning about his movie rules and never hold back and going on full straightforward mode why am I being so kind in holding my tears. So ok tears dripping gently and I still held my tongue. Because we all know sometimes once we lash out our tongues we could never go back because there are some words are not meant to be said no matter what. I thought that is some rule that everyone knew? Sometimes it is not our entirely fault per say we still break it down diplomatically ... but last night was so raw in the tone ... in the words like there will be something happen to me if same shit happened for the second time.

And then suddenly I went ballistic...

Things get ugly? Didn't know. Never knew what that means. Just because he said no one messes with him? And so he is trying to flex his ego muscle? So what does this mean? A nice guy that still has emotions, right? I am bias? Who is not?

So I said things I don't like about him. And then he said it was me who started off first. Right. I just touched his shoulders so yea maybe I signaled he can do the same to me but I didn't mean you can 'touch' me more than that. He didn't touch my sensitive places to be fair but fast forward ... a girl who wears short skirt didn't invite to get rape right? Ok. Something like that.

I went screaming that I was not given a chance to apologise and he assumed I was not going to hence that talk. Again, he kept explaining if I had apologised the minute the movie ended he shall be alright. I did actually thought of salvaging the situation from deteriorating after dropping off the friend. I want to do it privately.

Oh, I can't because it's not part of his standard operational regulations, hence I was told off.

He did mentioned we don't know each other well enough so should not that to be taken into consideration.

I believed he felt much better after throwing out what he didn't like about me but didn't calculate my reaction. Right. Sounds like the guy I dated who said mean mean words and then I dumped him in 3 days. Haha.

He said he thought I would be able to handle those criticism because I was mature, I was experience. But you forgot I was a human with emotions just like you.

I screamed and cried, loud, in the car. He never thought I would react like that. He never thought. I thought that was convenient. This is how the world works? Just say whatever their want without thinking of the consequences or not deep enough?

Why did I even react that way? Because I was tired of being nice as in holding my tongue from slashing while they just do exactly that in my face as though we are talking casually like how delicious this food is. And I don't like to be talked in that tone again. Now I understand how my mum feels whenever we talk to her like that. It was very condescending. Ok. I got it.

So what happened in the end? I am still hurt from all this aftermath and yet I don't expect everyone to be empathetic and understanding, and better, to handle a person in pain. I don't just because I know how (but still learning to improve). We need to be a good listener to others and also when we are speaking.

Wait. I didn't answer my own question. That friend? Again. Although I told him to be a good listener, he was still saying patronising words unintentionally.

Conclusion. At the mean time, no more movies or yumcha (having coffee together) with anyone at the moment. I need my moment of peace and time.

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Wow. We made history and I was one of the contributor.

Nothing is more important than saving the country.

Everyone I know here was telling others that 9 May is the day for all Malaysians to come out to vote. The reason for taking leave? Yea, write that to save the country.

That's what we were telling others.

My friends laughed which irritated me. No one laughs at other's mission. If they don't want to save our country, then don't complain of all those misconducts and also the higher standard of living. I have been generous in saving all these people who don't understand the power of voting.

Why can't we have hope?

Voting is useless? Right. What do you do when you have an abusive partner? Do you let him/her to beat you up or you voice out? You somewhat voice out right? So why do you even voice out? Voting is just like you voicing out. The same. Maybe after you voice out, the partner decides to change? Who knows but hardly. Otherwise you will change partner right? Yea, you will need to tell that you are dumping it right? The same. Voting is like telling the government that we want to break up with you.

Why people can't see the power of vote? It's nauseating when people say proudly that they don't vote. Oh, I do respect people's belief but don't glean that on me here because the people I have met usually impose their belief on me and I am just being nice for not voicing out. Oh no worries, recently, I just cut two people from my life.

We are so excited to see the squirrels who squander the nation coffers to be roasted under the sun. Ahh.. finally the ordinary citizens of Malaysia finally get to sunbathe in the sun freely....

But still we have lots to do to repair.

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Geez. I spent a few minutes angrily at the FB messenger thanks to a person.

I don't know this person at all except knowing he shares similar network as me and worse he is from my office area. He is a PhD student and I have asked my colleague who knows him and I got to know he is quite OK. Anyways, he was the one who said hi to me first and I thought it was harmless to make a new friend since he is from the same place as me. No harm, right? Saw me sometimes on campus and just wave hi over FB sounds ok right?

It wasn't until this morning. He asked if I were attached. So I replied how's that related to you? He asked me to answer first. So I replied twice why you should know. He replied 'suspicious.' I flared up. What's so suspicious for not replying that question of yours when it's not your business to begin with? He then replied because he then whether can consider me or not.

Hold on.

When the hell our conversation is a playground for some lovers wannabe? I kept our conversation professionally though I can see through the earlier conversation that we had will be leading to something else. I gave the benefit of doubt alright but hey... it's pretty tiring to keep that in mind all the time right? So I just let it go and decided to let this flow wherever it wants to be.

I was wrong. I should just halt the conversation the moment he asked so what do you do at work.

You consider me. Have you even asked me if I were considering you either? Or even like you? What a Permanent Head Damage person. That's our local joke for people pursuing PhD.

I was just being nice. My friend has also once told me before that I am very friendly and it's easy to be approached, hence people tend to get some fucking weird idea.

Sigh. I have decided. I won't approve juniors or seniors or whoever I see they are from the same network dots for adding me on FB, which I already seldom do so. So now it's conversation time.

UGH.

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I have been looking up at tutorial for snapseed to edit my photos. I recently caught the Instagram bug and trying to improve my photography creativity.

Why not? YOLO!

Here's a tutorial I am gonna try!

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I like listening to this song due to its upbeat rhythm but I actually have not listened to it for years after I get to know it. Because listening to it reminds me of a person very badly. I am not allergic to him but it brought up painful emotions. After I managed to dissolve our relationship, I was able to listen back and regained my forgotten joy.

This song really makes me wanna sing along! Hope you all enjoy this song too! It's the Philippines Tourism song for 2011.

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I actually wrote a pretty long entry and then I accidentally delete it. Oh fantastic renaye.

I will just summarise instead.

I was looking forward to meeting a friend in an event but no-show up left me kinda disappointed. My guts already told me I should not even attend the event given I was overwhelmed with my medical report and mum's medical condition that I spent a lot of uber trips just so I can attend.

It would be a lie to say I didn't regret for attending the event. My presence was not even needed. Well on the positive side, my presence would be great to show support to the organiser and co-organiser since I was the connector for these two parties. By all means, I should be there.

But if you have undergone the panic feeling when a medical doctor telling you "you need medication now' after receiving your report you would understand how I was feeling throughout the event. My brain was spacing and all I wanted was to get some relief for my condition.

I didn't know it has escalated to so something serious.

Beyond this worry, I cannot help myself thinking why I was so stupid for thinking this friend would even show up for this event?

Well, this person and many more have stopped interacting with me in any forms on social media. At the same time, these very people are still interacting, actively, be it like or respond to the posts of our mutual friends.

Why do I bother so much? Why do I feel so hurt when these friends stopped communicating with me?

Why can't I stop hurting? Why do I still bother? People don't see me anymore as friends other than some trash that is only useful whenever they need. I have lots of resources in the form of connections.

Why do I even bother to help? Why do I even bother to be in a clique that I don't even feel belong? Why do I feel that I am working so hard just to be part of something?

I got to move on! I got to release this so I won't feel stress from such matter!

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