Books I have completed reading since January 2016:
1. The magician's land - Lev Grossman
2. The Rest Falls Away - Colleen Gleason
3. Wither - Lauren Destefano
4. Fever - Lauren Destefano
5. Sever - Lauren Destefano
6. High Stakes - Dick Francis
7. Kau kata dadaku adalah sebuah sajak - Finn Anuar
Friends and Enemies
Akatsuki: Nightmares & Dreamscapes
-beats in my head-
Chika-Chin's Anime Mania!
empty white space
In My World
My Blah blah Bulogu
My Little World
Sdovelly~ c'est la vie
Serene's Silent Secrets
Shuffle and Repear
Tolanic's Travel Blog
Friday, November 20, 2009
What does independent mean to you?
It means I do everything on my own; with my brain, fingers and even toes. But it doesn't exclude of not asking help. If you think my definition of independent is too selfish.
It struck me yesterday that my mother dislike my independency. We were at our usual coconut water stall getting our coconute supply. And the seller had a usual visitor who likes to rape his ears about his woes on his family like why does my student son keep asking me for money? Ridiculous. That's because the son is not working yet!!
And so .. that woe-woe guy commented to my mum "How nice to have daughters. Can talk like sisters..." My mum shot back "Yea right. This daughter (referring to me) is not nice to talk to. You ask her things she tell you to shut up. This girl is too independent. My other daughter is much better to talk to."
My reaction? Nothing. Not stun. Just plain nothing. Because I know all along that she doesn't really like me.
The woeful guy and the seller replied "Isn't it good to have an independent daughter. You can have less worries."
My mother sneered. She replied "Yea right. Too independent is not good."
I think I really felt like replying " *BEEP* OFF." No wonder I got scolded for not letting her take my blazer to the laundry.
The reason I want to curse is I have been scolded for all my life ever since I was born that I was good for nothing and she has to work her ass off to take care of the family. And in return... she got nothing... Because of all this scolding, I was dying to be independent ever since I was back in primary school. And now I could say I'm happy to live independently in the way I want. I hate to be scolded for something it is/was not my fault. It's synonym to cursing my existence in this world. You wanted kids. And here I am. So shut up and deal with it.
And I hated bitchy aunties and girlfriends telling me "Guys don't like girls to be so independent." So *BEEP* Off. I won't die if I don't have a husband or a boyfriend. I will die if I don't have money.
I never knew being independent could hurt someone. It's not I don't want to be a "burden" to other people but it's just I ought to take care of myself? And you can't blame me when I grew up in an environment that forced me to grow up.
So for my mother ... sorry I can't help her. I can't change who I am to suit her personality and thinking. And I won't change or degrade myself just because I'm not 'align' with society's norm. I will only improve to be better. Screw you.
So do you like yourself to be independent? Or you just want to be everyone's post-it-note sticker board?
Roaring no Jutsu!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I had a fantabulous weekend!! Am still alive but not feeling well because I stuffed myself too much crap and I was having stomach discomfort... and even had food poisoning! I thought I had fully recovered but I was wrong because I now feel like vomitting whatever my mum has cooked. Nausea~ Could be my mother's too rich nutrition food. But the truth is I cannot take in lots of brown or red rice. They make me wanna puke.
Last Saturday, my ex-collegemate took me to a charity concert to support her conductor friend while me to support my company's affiliate. The concert was good but the singer was just so-so. Many of the audience thought she could have sang better songs because the first song she sang was New York New York, a broadway song. And my friend thought the organiser should get better singer since she can't hit many high notes!!! And I saw my boss walking across me... HAHA. I sms-ed him.. Guess what was his reply? His reply: Are you stalking me? My reply was: Nope. You are not in my stalking list. HAHAHA. And I was alone in the train from the concert location to my home. And I was almost ... got stranded because there was no taxi at the taxi stand. But I got home in one piece...
Sunday ... I won a pack of Uno cards in a Scrabble Challenge game in Starbucks. I'm looking forward to play in the local scrabble challenge. I want my ranking. Damn those players who said they don't want to play with me just coz I got no ranking.
And yesterday and today ... I attended a conference on bioethics. Nice!!
Tomorrow ... will be having a date!!!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I finally received my confirmation letter a few days ago. It was indeed a relief after waited for 8 months just to see this day. I have gone through the wordings and some are pretty vague which I will definitely discuss with my boss and the manager.
Yesterday, I did a grave mistake. I think. A colleague of mine from another department came over to my office yesterday and we chatted about my appointment letter. I let her read about the benefits, and I accidentally gave her the copy which stated my salary. And she commented my salary as low. It somehow ticked me silently. And I really felt regretted [very much] for not seeing which copy to let her read.
I seriously felt my salary is not low for a staff who works 10 days in the office in a month. And what I will be getting is the half amount of the salary of a full time, which is high. And this colleague complained it is low. She suggested to me to negotiate for a higher pay.
Who doesn't want a higher pay? But to negotiate for a higher price ... I must also know my skills and experiences very well. And I know myself well. I have worked 2 years in a political think tank where most of the time I spent my time sleeping, and then I jumped into this new place with not much of work experience and skills other than the hunger to develop and progress myself.
The earning I'm getting from my new job is the same amount I earned a month in my previous job. I'm tired to explain to people about this. It's sickening and I don't owe you all an explanation. All I want is to be happy for me and support me. That is all I'm asking.
I explained this to my colleague but she doesn't seem to get it. She is able to negotiate for a higher pay because she has 10 years of work experience and I don't. But getting a 45% pay rise is not good for me? I'm content for the moment ... because I'm now exploring new areas.
I want to earn unlimited amount of money every month, though it is very tiring for me. I have to look for other jobs to bring in extra income on top of my pay. My colleague shared with me that it is a waste of money and time to travel somewhere else to work part time. I agree but what is the point of putting your 100% soul and mind energy into your full time job when you are just paid the same amount every month. Your next door colleague works less than you and yet still get the same pay as you. The only comfort the four walls offer is the financial security whether you die in the office or not, you will still get your pay and medical allowances. But I'm still getting these benefits from my new job. Not good?
All I wanted is to explore new areas to maximise my potential and also income. All I wanted is to have of both worlds - working inside and outside of the office. I don't want to spend my whole life doing paper work and not recognizing the other talents I have. My other colleague has once commented that I'm abnormal for not following the society norm - working full time. But what is there to comment about me when you are not happy to work within the four walls, and the only thing that drags you to these walls is the money you needed, not the joy of work?
I have found an office job that I enjoy very much, but still I believe in myself for having other talents. I'm unearthing them. We have been living according to society norms. Don't you ask yourself if the society norms are beneficial to us or not? Then don't you think it is time to ask what you want in your life?
I believe I will learn more things and get to know more people outside from my office. I'm the destiny designer. Just please be happy for me and supportive of me.
It's a squirrel it's a rat it's a cicak!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Damn it. The maintenance department made fun of me this morning. The staff has been telling tales of me not being capable of differentiating a rat and a lizard.
It all begins in the morning around 8 am. I was sitting alone in the office as usual and starting to warm up to finish my work, and then I had an unpredictable incident happened in my office. I heard an extreme loud noise in my room: a rat poo-ing in my room. Believe me I know how it poos because my ex-colleague was grateful enough to demo the sound of a rat pooing. And thanks to her I was able to identify the mysterious sound this morning. It was so loud like I put it max on my speaker. Hearing it sent me off to a panic state. And then I heard some scratching sound.
I was thankful coincidentally I was chatting with a colleague from another department: maintenace. She immediately referred me to call the manager and I did with the opening:
"Good morning I was referred by bla and I believe my room is invaded by a rat."
He laughed. Oh well, according to the department, it IS impossible to have such pest in the building. And I thought it IS impossible because there was no hole for it to squeeze. Unless it could squeeze throuh a less than 0.5cm gap. Oh well, the maintenance people came ... and was quite reluctant to investigate because it IS impossible for a rat to penetrate the wall. So the guy moved the cabinets aways HOPING to see a rat, but it turned out to be lizard. The guy laughed. And reported to the boss that it was a lizard. No rat in sight.
My friend who was on the office messenger was laughing while reporting to me that people in her department were making fun of me "... there's a squirrel in her office...". And I thought it was plain stupid to laugh at me. What is the big deal of having pest in the office? It is NORMAL. I explained to this colleague that it is normal to rats in buildings so why the hell are you all laughing at me? That IS because they have never heard how rat makes noise. I find this STUPID. I felt like I was thrown back into primary school when I tried telling the class that Ais Kacang (shaved ice) is served with ice cream. Everyone in class said I was HALLUCINATING.
Like Penelope Cruz said in the Gothika movie "How can I trust someone who thinks I'm crazy?"
My colleague was still laughing at my 'folliness' till I got so pissed off that I told her to tell her colleagues "that they forgot to add that there are GHOSTS in my room... not only those damn squirrels. Tell them they are a fortunate bunch to enter a room that is often visited by GHOSTS." My colleague stopped laughing after reading the word GHOSTS.
Because she knows this is true. But she doesn't really want to tell me more about it. She simply replied "No ghost stories." I don't have either except seeing a spirit standing beside my student and some shadows running across my table.
Speaking of which, I wonder has anyone else in my office spotted this supernatural beings before?
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I just had some discussion with a person that works for an international agency about sustainability. The conclusion is things are not great at all about the world's environment state. It is bad.
It's time to realise my dream of saving the world....
Why are you not itchy?
Friday, November 6, 2009
My mother is a clean freak. And that says a lot of things about my growing up. I guess I don't need to go in depth about it eh?
There is one thing I never understand. More of I cannot understand. How can some family not clean their floor for over a month? I have friends telling me that their mother only mops the floor once or twice a month. I cannot believe my ears because did they not notice their feet are black? My mother mops the floor every week. It has to be every week if not my family's feet get itchy. My feet has been itching since yesterday but today's worse because the itchiness climbed to my ankle level. And my mother just didn't mop the floor over 10 days. Are my feet that pampered or it's just an indication that the floor is really damn dirty due to the dust?
If the floor is dirty and how come some people cannot detect? That is why I'm reluctant to enter people's house unless I'm wearing socks. That is because I have a sensitive cleanliness detector on my feet. It's a tradition for my family to wash our feet before entering our own house because of the dust and stickiness we got by walking outside of the house. Don't you all feel that too?
Do you all also apply soap to your feet after applying to your body parts? It's like I'm asking you all whether you all brush your hair comb with soap. I remember friends laughing at me for being 'stupid' for washing my hair comb with a brush and soap. They told me my method is so 'ma fan' (troublesome in Cantonese) [or stupid?] and their method is the easiest: comb the wet hair with the comb under the shower. But can't you see the comb is black?? Try brushing the comb with soap and rinse it under the running tap water and can't you see the water is black in colour?
I just spent some midnight time to sterilise my room floor even though my mum is going to mop the floor tomorrow but my feet can't wait. They have been itching all night. And there is no way for me to scratch it while I'm sleeping. And now the itch stopped. Thank god.
I'm finally able to do my report in peace. Good night.
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